Yesterday, I went to the flee market. Had fun. Got my bong. And Richard bought this “herbal incense” called Mr. Nice Guy. Back at my house, we had a little time alone so we smoked some of it. I had two little hits and ended up feeling pretty good. It felt like a normal weed high. Richard took two pretty big hits and told me that he felt weird. Didn’t like it. He told me he was “drowsy” and “weird” but didn’t explain in what way. GOD, I wish he had. He ended up giving me the stuff for free.
Around midnight, everyone was asleep and I decided “why the hell not” and smoked in my closet. I knew I had to be careful with the stuff cause smoking too much could be bad, but I figured if I felt shitty, I’d just go to bed. I took 4-5 hits from my little bowl. I thought that wouldn’t be TOO bad. I never ever expected what happened.
I tripped.
Hardcore.
BADLY.
No words can accurately describe how I felt, but it was dreadful. I couldn’t feel my legs. I could barely feel anything against my skin. And my emotions were confused as well. It was like I was reborn. I couldn’t remember language properly. I had to remember words and their meanings. As I sunk deeper and deeper into the trip, it kept screaming in my head, “YOU’RE TRIPPING! LIKE ON ACID!” And even though some part of me knew what that meant and that I need to calm down, I couldn’t. I moved around in bed, trying to get myself to feel something. I sipped at my little amount of water because my mouth was extremely dry, and it felt so strange to me because my physical sensitivity was so low. I was afraid, but I even got up out of bed for a minute and wandered around my room trying to recall how I was supposed to feel. My room looked familiar to me, but, even more-so, it was foreign. I couldn’t explain to myself how being a real, living, breathing human being was supposed to me. “Real life” didn’t exist. Back in bed, it occurred to me that I was absolutely and utterly INSANE. I twitched around, rolling back and forth, trying to become human again but all I could think was that this is what being schizophrenic is; this is what its like to be mentally insane. I honestly thought I was stuck like that forever. I tried to “talk” myself into normalcy and convince myself that this was all just a bad trip, but I was so far lost it was very difficult. I thought I was gonna have to go to my dad and tell him everything. (Thank goodness I didn’t.) Finally, I laid still for a minute or two and whispered out loud to myself, “I’m not crazy. I’m not crazy,” over and over. In a way, it pulled me out of the deepest trenches of hell. Now I was only partially submerged.
At this point, I still couldn’t feel very well. My legs were still numb to me, I tried to touch myself to feel something, and I couldn’t tell if I was hot or cold. Somehow, I decided to text Richard. I knew he’d be upset, but something inside me KNEW I had to text him. I did and he seemed worried but tried to get me to relax. In between texts, I laid and I thunk about the people I know. I tried to think about Richard. I could pull his face up, but I couldn’t actually remember what it was like to be touched, kissed, or what “love” was supposed to be. I knew I supposedly loved him, but I didn’t know what that meant.
While this was still confusing to me, the memory flashes had stopped. When those were going on, I would pull up a memory about someone or something and every time I did, it was this big, scary accomplishment. It was like I had amnesia and I got a cookie each time I remembered something. I got scared though because I was thinking I’d have to retrieve EVERY SINGLE memory from my past before I was normal again. However, by the time I was texting, I wasn’t primarily focused on that anymore.
When I’d been texting Richard, before I even told him exactly how I felt, he said to me that when he was feeling “weird”, it was like he didn’t know if life was real or something. GOD DAMN I WISH HE WOULD HAVE TOLD ME THAT. Because I wasn’t expecting ANYTHING like that. That’s probably why my trip was so bad. That stuff, as far as I know, is NOT supposed to make someone trip. It’s supposed to just be like very intense and potent marijuana. I looked at review last night before bed AND this morning and I’ve seen NOTHING about people tripping. I mean, the amount that I smoked is the amount that usually gives me a DECENT high from weed. I can’t imagine if I had NO idea the stuff would be so strong and I’d smoked an entire bowl from my bigger bowl. I literally think I would have had to go to the hospital. I mean, even last night from what I smoked I thought I might have to be committed. I thought I would never do drugs ever ever again. However, I realize now that that is silly. I’ll still smoke normal weed, but I don’t know if I have the guts to try shrooms or acid. And if I did, I’d have to be with someone I trust with my life.
I probably ended up falling asleep around 1:45 a.m. I next awoke at 6:30, feeling WIDE awake, but completely normal. I was so relieved. Now that I was back to normal though, it almost felt like the whole thing never happened. Even now, as I re-tell the tale, I can’t COMPLETELY recall the exact feelings; only that it was the single scariest night of my life.
theartofmadeline
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