Better Off Written

This will be a collection of my poetry, its been a while since I've written, so please bare with me.

[magicaluniverseofcognition]

Seeing Reflections

I shan't voice my arcane thoughts

Not the ardent ones, nor the obstinate ones.

In fact all I shall voice is the opinion

of a "soft" girl.

I won't share my fears

Nor the thoughts that clutch my heart.

You may question if you know me, or someone I wish to be.

Right now I search for my voice

To take a stance in the light and not whisper in the dark.

I must respect the words voiced by others.

I have discovered that no combination of the alphabet could possibly portray this war inside me

Struggling with who I WANT to be

And who you would like me to be.

Do tell, is it easier to lie to yourself?

Or beat yourself down.

Is it easier to beat another down

than to wrestle with the ruins of your heart.

I'll do my best not to judge, to keep on the mask.

You shall not see the trembling girl who was left by many,

but still holds out her heart to those who could do it yet again.

You will see a struggling girl, who wants to make a change

Whether in one or many

The girl who sees the work of the redeemer

Splashed throughout the world

The girl who'd rather hide the thoughts

Bury herself, numb her insides and merely become a reflection.

You won't see her anymore

You might see it differently now

I struggle with who I want to be

I want to help, even if its not deserved

I want to love, even if you decide they are unworthy.

I want you to realize its not in our hands to determine the value of another.

For we all sin.

We all deserve nothing.

-W.R.

[magicaluniverseofcognition]

I'm caught between 

What remains behind and what lies ahead

And the present

How great my future would be if I held on

Despite the pain it causes

Drowning in sorrow in hopes I stay afloat 

How great the now would be if I didn't

The happy days I'd achieve

I wouldn't struggle in this raging river I've come to know as my emotions

I'd hurt two great and amazing people

Both the reason I've done nothing

I chide myself nightly, tell myself it's all wrong.

I'd tear my heart out from the inside, all for what?

In the hopes to save it!? 

Those tears that spill out creating a stream of pain

The ache that settled in long ago

The thoughts I cannot stand to bear

The choices are always there.

-W.R.

[magicaluniverseofcognition]

They say time heals all,

Or is the brokenness becoming natural?

I see loved ones fall deep into the pits of despair

I swear I won't follow them there

I travel along, losing grips on rights & wrongs

Repeatedly overwhelmed by emotions

Often so, the distractions transform into bittersweet addiction

My lies fall out, careful with praise

I tell myself I'm trying to help

Each night, as a distraction ebbs, the guilt rushes over me

Scrubbing me raw, seeking flaws

The heartbreak sets in

I can no longer distinguish my actions from prior moral beliefs

All too familiar with the throbbing constant of numbed emotions

I find myself repeating conversations with friends; of depression; of morbid thoughts

I plead; burying myself in despair

I swore I wouldn't follow them there

-W.R.

[magicaluniverseofcognition]

Once upon a time

I was but a child

Dreaming of dragons, and knights.

Wishing I would grow up faster, I was quickly reviled.

***

Once upon a time

I was but 10 years of age.

The other kids

Couldn't help but mock, while I frolicked across the stage.

***

Once upon a time

I was merely 12 years old

Crying for the father who broke my heart

Stringing my heart across the page, not easily consoled.

***

Once upon a time

I was in eighth grade

Seeking love from boys who spat fiery words in return

They dug their words into my soul, not easily pervade

***

Once upon a time

I was called a slut

The words tore me open, showed me something profound.

They struck me to my core, wrenched my gut.

***

Once upon a time

I stopped hanging out with my "friends"

Those who provided me with slander

The ones that didn't stand up for me, the friendship that had to end.

***

Once upon a time

I began to believe that true love was a myth

I stopped really caring

I accepted the imminent ending of my blithe.

***

Once upon a time

I met new friends

Who cared, who listened

Who helped me through hard times, who didn't have to pretend.

***

Once upon a time

I met you

I realized that not everyone is cruel; seeking your fall.

I realized that I didn't have things to fear with you by my side; something ever true.

***

Once upon a time

I realized that life isn't always dragons and knights

Nor dungeons and demons

And that sometimes your soul ignites.

-W.R.

[magicaluniverseofcognition]

And I was calm

The moment you breathed into my ear

The moment your lips met mine

I knew we would be forever intertwined

I knew.

I knew love can last for a lifetime.

I knew love is you.

I knew I could never need anything else.

I knew that I had never been so right before.

The moment your eyes locked with mine, 

The moment your warbled notes reached my ears, 

they danced for a few moments.

They reminded me what life was all about.

What living really was.

They proved to me that sometimes boys do love sad girls.

They proved to me that this battleground wasn't just mine anymore.

You came and you slid your hand into mine, refusing to budge.

Eyes straight forward. 

You told me you weren't leaving.

But you feared I would.

When I fall, I fall hard.

I fall fast.

Once I warm up, I'm like a fire.

All consuming.

Ever present.

But whats wonderful about a fire.

Is that its not always a treacherous forest fire, consuming everything in its path. Destructive. Tearing everyone else down.

Its not that its always a small flame, ignited from your lighter.

Sometimes its a bonfire on a cold night, where reunited friends giggle.

Where not just their bodies are warmed but their souls.

I just want to inform you.

I just want to be,

your flame.

I should inform you that sometimes, I am a forest fire.

I leap and spit, and consume everything until I've reached the end of the world, and I can't consume any more.

Sometimes, I'm a soft flame, providing a flickering light.

Sometimes, I'm a bonfire. I hope to warm your soul. I hope to reunite you  with your feelings, I hope to make you giggle and blush. I want to hold you here, whispering to you everything that comes into my mind.

Knowing you won't seek anything, but knowledge on me.

Knowing you want to hold me just as much.

-W.R.

[magicaluniverseofcognition]

I've heard said that your first heartbreak is the one that causes your whole world to fall apart. Split down the middle. 

The heartbreak that is inescapable, persistent. 

The agony I experience to know that my first heartbreak was one I had no choice in, one I choose to ignore. 

I've wrestled with this issue all my life.

I wrestled with a demon, considering it to be less of a monster than it was, I even gave it a disguise. I labeled it docile, when it was anything but. Oh, how it schemed. 

Honestly, its a war I loved to store in a box underneath my bed, this way I could forget.

And as it collected dust I began to think maybe, just maybe, everything was alright. Unfortunately, one day, it was discovered; ultimately uncovered.

Its time for me to face you, dad. You don't really deserve to be called that. I don't understand how anyone could ever walk out on a child. And it wasn't simply me, you were NOT a first time offender on this issue.

I'm wondering if you knew how often I thought about you, it was rather often. Mom was frank with me. She didn't talk about you though. I wasn't aware the extent of her pain as she had to watch me suffer over and over again. 

I pushed the subject of you so often. I wanted to know everything. I wanted to know who my hero was. The one person I wanted to save me from my nightmares, the only one person. 

While, at this time, I was aware that you didn't want to be with us. I'm pretty sure my mom never told me the whole truth. She allowed me to believe you were a firefighter, among many other things.

When, in truth, you were a coward. Still are, unfortunately so. 

I just feel I should let you know the extent of the pain that your actions inflicted upon me. They still disturb me today, so obsessive they are. 

Only, they know how to hide. These demons, they're careful. Meticulous, patient. 

I find it hard to trust people, to commit to relationships. Whether it be friendships, or a romantic relationship. I numbed my emotions. I hated my sisters for quite a long time. I pushed so many people away, and I still do. I'm afraid of being vulnerable, because you were never there for me, and I find it hard to expect other people to be when my own father wasn't.

I felt like I was never going to be loved the way I sought to be, wholly and unbelievably me. I ended up in destructive friendships, and they tore me down. 

I suppose I can't blame you for everything.

Its my issue to deal with, I just want you to know I still seek your approval, much to my disgust. 

I was afraid of anyone who might actually care for me, and want you to know I'm done with it. 

-W.R.