The Diary of A Desperate Schoolgirl
ₓ˚. ୭ ◦˚.୭ ˚○◦˚ Magpi's Intro ˚◦○˚ ୧.˚◦ ୧ .˚ₓ
❧ name: Magpi/Em
➺ pronouns: any is fine! idrc.
❧ age: 17
➺ fun fact: I used to have a thing for all things creative, though thats died down as school got tough.
I'm making this blog as a way to hold some accountability over my studies. Unfortuantly, as surely many out there have experienced - I'm a classic case of :
"I used to do quite well in school! What happened to me?"
In primary (K-6), I was always a crappy student. In my memory, I often got C's, though now my parents tell me I got a few B's and A's too - but their word cannot be completely trusted. I remember the dread of reports coming back in their A4 yellow envelopes, and how I never wanted to open them because my parents, my family, my extended family even, thought grades were god. And to that line of successful, responsible thrivers of high stress, letting anybody besides intermediate relatives even have an inkling that you were supposedly stupid would mean that they would be less inclined to waste time lending you a helping hand in the future. I suppose, they had no reason to believe otherwise - all values are borne from foul truths somewhere, somehow.
Then, when I reached highschool (Yr7-12), I had the luck to manage making it into a decently academically-prestigious school, filled wih those who all shared in some degree the same sentiment.
The ugly duckling surrounded by swans all it's life had no doubt in its mind that it had the capability to fly.
This is not simply that case where the monkey, fish and bird were examined on how fast they could scale a tree. It is in human nature to wish to excel - a person who has never wanted to better themselves is firstly:
not a happy person
and secondly:
To not want better of yourself is a person with no dream, and a person who says they have no dream is a liar.
And what is this dream? Where did it come from, and how did it form? Surely such intangible impressions are sprung from fragments of what you have seen, heard, of those around you?
The monkey, the fish and the bird do not value climbing the same way as the animal that came respectively before them - but surely they too seek to excel in what matters to them, like the carp to the marlin, the monkey to the ape?
Anyways, in my classic case, maybe I'm meant for something different, something not academic. But I want to be...! "Find what you're meant for" doesn't take into account what I want to be made for. It's not common, but what happens when I put passion into something, and find out that I'm still not enough?
And anyways, even if I'm meant for something else, discovering that can come later, after this year, after my final exams, and during this time, I will continue to hold on to the belief that grades are god until I actually somehow manifest an academic comeback.
In high school, it was revealed to me that my primary school had some messed up way of marking and grading, and those poor scores finally shot up to where I wanted them to be. Where I wanted to be.
And maybe, thats where I got cocky.
Of course, theres a certain pride that comes with passing an exam with flying colours when everybody knows you hadn't been paying attention in class, or studied majorly for. It was my defining trait for a few years, how did I forget all my efforts from primary school? It was an evil sort of pride, one that brought me to the state I am now. Sure, I'm still passing, but from high 90-somethings to straight up 50% is not a good look. In fact, it's something that brings out that sickly cold in my gut, and maybe a sense of sea sickness despite sitting on my bed, on land.
... hubris. That was my hubris, what am I, a character in a play? Why am I going through hamartia??? Someone tell whoever's writing my life story to put the pen down and stop being a wannabe Aristotle, it's lame, and it's not fun.
So, I now see where I went majorly wrong. And of course, I wouldn't spend my time lamenting. And I recognise that I need to actually lock in hard, and theres still a chance for me. As much as school sucks, learning is fun, and honestly, in proper adult life, not many people have time to purely dedicate hours to master new crafts and knowledge.
But here's the problem. I'm so used to doing absolutely nothing, that I keep procrastinating, and probably a bunch more mental blocks keeping me from picking up my pen to study. It kinda physically hurts to switch from doomscrolling to focusing - which is also a warning of sorts, I guess. Doomscrolling actually kills your brain, I swear. My dopamine receptors are utterly fucked. I visited Instagram reels and Youtube shorts maybe a total of 7 times while writing this? It's insane.
I don't actually have any clue on how to run a study blog, so maybe I'm just going to put my to do list's and progress checks here, and maybe some sappy motivational quotes. Anything to keep me going.