There's always been a sort of stigma around turning 30, especially in our society, for obvious reasons. So many specific statuses are expected to be reached, whether marital, financial, or societal, in order to define one's success. "A life well lived". It's all about what you would've gained by that point, but what they don't tell you enough is how much you shed.
To begin with, I was never in a rush to grow up. Not in fear of growing old, per se. But I just never understood why anyone would want to rush the now which is already so fleeting. The happiness is felt now, the sadness is felt now, the living is happening now! Pace yourself, Mai, for someday you'll be clawing at the remnants of days refusing to last.
I'm more humble than to claim I've stumbled upon some great wisdom billions before me hadn't already reached. But I revisited my memories and discovered some nuggets from my experiences and revelations that I wish someone could have bestowed upon me on my rocky road to 30. So here’s a letter I want to send to myself in the past…
Finally leaving our 20s is a blessing! Yes, my body aches in places I never thought could, and the sun goes down and I can't think of something cozier than snuggling up on a couch with my cup of coffee and a good movie, and I miss the days I felt immortal and like the streets had a magic binding me from going home. Just like Cinderella, you feel as if the clock would tick 12 and the fairytale would wear off, right?
Our parents did try to warn us a lot about the turbulent 20s and we didn't necessarily think they were lying, but we assumed they came from a time completely irrelevant to our then-current reality. "They couldn't possibly understand", we said. The things I can confirm from their imparted wisdom are these two…
First, the best friends we'll most likely ever make are the ones we met in school or college. The bonds we’ll have created just by being these two clumsy earthlings in each other's lives trying to figure out what kind of persons we want to be is priceless. It means we’ll have been in some of our rawest and purest versions of ourselves together, before we decided to try out an emo phase or a partying phase, or whatever we thought we needed to do to fit in or find ourselves.
Second, we'll realize we wasted so much thought and effort trying to reinvent ourselves from year to year out of regular bouts of identity crises just to impress others or feel less like an alien. Honey, we're all aliens in our 20s. And it's true that everyone's too busy recalling that one stupid joke they wish they hadn't said earlier today to even focus on that famous song only we didn't know. We're all stuck in our internal trivial battles and we aren't even full human beings to have earned the spot to judge anyone, let alone ourselves.
Now on to some things I wish they had given us a head's up about…"Bad influence" friends aren't only those our mom warned us about in school, they exist everywhere, even well into our young adult years. We can so easily start to become like the handful of people we spend most of our time with, and that can either drown our potential or morph us into something we can't be proud of. And God forbid you aren't proud of yourself in your 20s! You don't need to be adding any more insecurities, really.
So I now know to keep people whose life values I share or at least can understand or respect. You gotta meet on the same grounds somehow because you'll now have little energy to give anyway.
Marie Kondo, the Japanese organizing consultant, keeps advising to retain only belongings that "spark joy". I've learned this applies to people too, even places and activities, but let's elaborate on the people part.
Energy does deplete, and so does the capacity to trust, open up, and even love. We'll regret reaching the finish line of our 20s feeling too spent, wondering if we have anything left to give. Surprise – we weren't invincible after all!
So prepare yourself to find out that friends will become few and far between. They may not grow in numbers, but if you've got your head screwed on right - AKA have put in efforts to better understand who you are and what you need - I can promise you that they will grow in quality. It will get lonelier when we start becoming selective of the kinds of people we keep around, but we'll feel there's a lot less "noise". And that calm will be a blessing at times we're too busy becoming more responsible and accountable for ourselves and our loved ones.
To touch up further on the topic of invincibility, I cannot stress this enough: you're a feeble human being in your 20s. Stop pretending to be so strong, 'cause that one person (or two…or three) will come along, and do great damage to our foundation. It'll become increasingly harder to find a big enough treasure trunk in our mind to tuck and lock away that baggage, trust me.
Okay, let's talk about some perks - where that "invincible" power you thought you had seems to truly come to fruition. Your power is you. You’ll realize you can dream things and work towards their realization, all on your own, believe it or not. Without mommy or daddy's help.
And this piece of advice needs to be stripped of any descriptions or superlatives: Patience. Patience. Patience. You heard me.
And all those things we learned - time to unlearn them! Yep, we can learn all the wrong things too. Education isn't always positive.
Finally, we'll experience this nearing 30, after spending some time with those born a decade or two after us, I guarantee you won't be able to knock off that endearing and grateful smile off our face at some point when you realize how far we’ve gone, how many lives it feels like we’ve lived, and how many stories we’re surprised we have, stories that can fill a trilogy of books. And guess what, we're only just getting started.
-Mai E.
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