Delta Quadrant Security Defect

Please use the secure chat line provided in your applicant starting package for questions regarding your internet provision.

[mainframemastermind]

MM: Oh yes, criticise the troll keeping a whole network running while you spin your obnoxious tunediscs up in the decompression zone.

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[disastrousbroadcaster]

You sigh, giving the bridge of your sniffnode a rub before the wind goggles thwack into place.

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[mainframemastermind]

MM: I TOLD you

MM: She hates me. Platonically. I hope.

MM: We’re hatefriends.

MM: You dont pap hatefriends DB.

MM: ... wait, more what?

DB: Oh so NOW he’s mentAlly cApAble of noticing things outside his lAser-tArgetted pAnic bubble.

DB: I’ll see yA on the flipside bro, got shit to be tAkin cAre of while you figure out which wAy’s outtA your Ass.

- DB is an offline troll! –

MM: ... what?

[mainframemastermind]

Once Pirika left, you sulked your way to the computing block and locked yourself inside. You can’t help the dread gnawing at you. It’ll only be a matter of time until one of you snaps and the cycle starts again. They’ve only gotten more and more recent, and Pirika’s recently increased proximity has helped none.

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[disastrousbroadcaster]

Aaaand there he goes. Would be a lot more entertaining if you weren’t already tapping your nubs impatiently.

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[mainframemastermind]

MM: Oh yes, criticise the troll keeping a whole network running while you spin your obnoxious tunediscs up in the decompression zone.

DB: A~ Dude hAs Anyone ever ActuAlly tried to, you know, hAck us?

MM: THE FACT THAT IT COULD EVEN BE A POSSIBILITY SHOULD CONCERN YOU GREATLY

DB: A~ Uh huh. Right. And just the other night you were singin prAises for your Ashensis And her totAlly not-spAzztAstic crAniAl region.

DB: A~ Did I imAgine thAt or Are we tAlking About Another crAsh queen entirely?

MM: I don’t even fucking know ok???

MM: If I don’t keep an eye on the green catastrophe she thinks she’s an engine and tries to ping manufacturing or worse, thinks she’s a completely normal troll with no necessity for these silly things called precautions

MM: And if I try to deal with her asinine irresponsibility on her own terms then everything else in the universe has to be put on fucking hold because Troll Pirika Alburz is quite likely the least emotionally self-aware creature on the face of the planet

MM: WHENEVER I TRY TO MANAGE ONE THE OTHER GOES ALL TO PIECES

MM: ffffffuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck this

[mainframemastermind]

Once Pirika left, you sulked your way to the computing block and locked yourself inside. You can’t help the dread gnawing at you. It’ll only be a matter of time until one of you snaps and the cycle starts again. They’ve only gotten more and more recent, and Pirika’s recently increased proximity has helped none.

Some rescuer you are. Some friend you are. All you can do nowadays is drive her nuts and find everything she does aggravating. But she IS aggravating, goddamnit. She’s tactless and purposefully obnoxious and constantly undermining your security measures whether she means to or not. And when she doesn’t mean to, she terrifies you.

This whole thing terrifies you. You’re glad she’s gone more like her old self, but you don’t know when she’s going to snap back to her programming like a cursed rubber band. All it’ll take is her letting go. But letting her be herself, the best bet you have for that not happening, means lowering the guards you have in place for when it does. If that happens, and the network doesn’t detect the signature change that accompanies her programmed transmissions before she reaches the fleet... you’re done for. And so is anyone that’s had contact with her. You don’t want to bring this up to her, you really don’t, but what will happen to the trolls you can’t hide in a worst case scenario?

You can’t just drop the reins and hope for the best. That’s suicidal, that’s insane, that’s-

Oh. Your palmhusk is pinging from your modus. For a moment you wonder what metaphorically (or literally) went ablaze while you were out, before seeing the trollian handle.

- disastrousBroadcaster [DB] started trolling mainframeMastermind [MM] –

DB: A~ While I’m sure A congrAtulAtions is in order for the confirmAtion of your Ashen vows

DB: A~ And I would normAlly be obliged to let a couple get their serendipitous hAtefriend on

DB: A~ It’d be nice if you could pull A moment from your ego-AssuAging routine to pAy Attention to the guy up in the tower with the scope And bitchin tunes.

DB: A~ Who At the moment is wondering if he should bAil to Troll MAui And sAy fuck it to plAying ukelele numero dos to the emotionAlly constipAted douchecAnoe in A utilikilt.

- disastrousBroadcaster [DB] is an idle troll  –

- disastrousBroadcaster [DB] is online -

DB: A~ Like whAt the hell is even going on with you mAn.

DB: A~ First you stArt texting me ludicrously smAshed nonsense then you flip me the metAphoricAl bird of  literal immAture neeners then you pull A Troll Houdini for hAlf A night.

DB: A~ MeAnwhile I got peepers on the line for A nAsty bunch of motherfuckers whose ideA of mAnners is rollin heAds A’ whoever they inconvenience.

- disastrousBroadcaster [DB] is an idle troll  –

- disastrousBroadcaster [DB] is online -

DB: A~ ... >=I Bro this is unlike you in A multitude of wAys.

DB: A~ If she didn’t finAlly try to mAke you into A plAid sAtellite you got some splAinin to do.

DB: A~ If she did, you probAbly deserved it And Also you owe me the 50 cAegArs bAck.

- disastrousBroadcaster [DB] is an idle troll  –

- disastrousBroadcaster [DB] is online -

DB: A~ FUCK IT I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR INDIGO STEAKS AL CARBON

Well. Looks like literally is, in fact, the case.

MM: DB where are you right now

DB: A~ The Asshole speAks! =O

DB: A~ I’m getting reAdy to hAul Ass Across the wAstes in deep winter unlike SOMEBODY >>>=I

MM: Still at your hive then

DB: A~ Yes, sAdly, becAuse I wAs wAiting for the guy who’s usuAlly Around to cAll the shots.

DB: A~ Joke’s on me for thinking he’d mAnAge his personAl AffAirs with some sort of competence.

You are not falling into this trap. He’ll try to get you to spill your guts then make these awkward overtures at teaching you how to deal with people. What the hell could an uncultured pre-fleet ruffian with delusions of notoriety teach you about proper social interactions?  For now, though, you need to get caught up enough to start calculating, and DB is your best bet.

MM: Who spotted the indigoes

DB: A~ You would know if you bothered to keep up with the forum you mAde for just such An occAsion As freewheelin’ mArAuders infiltrAting the sAfe zone.

MM: Ushahn, I promise I will make a thorough and thoughtful apology for the state of my attentiveness later, but I am currently at the end of my braided hanging device. Please be more cooperative right now.

DB: A~ Well, since you Asked All nice-like.

DB: A~  If you wAnt the word of your righteous eye in the sky here, for which you should be wAy more grAteful, some poor chick sAw 'em rAidin’ her neighbour’s hive. This wAs wAy out in the boonies near Sparkrock, so they were probAbly tAiling your much congrAtulAted hAtefriend And got lost. And more A’ thAt to ‘em.

MM: Oh god. Is anyone hurt? What are the coordinates? We need to lock down the area ASAP.

MM: Wait, was it one of the other net clients?

Your spongeclots are ringing and it feels like someone just stuck hardlines up your spine. Any composure you’d kept through this last ordeal melts into a gooey mess as your thinkpan does a frighteningly accurate impression of a microwaved cluckbeast marshmallow.

MM: [oh fuck]

MM: [Oh-fuck>>what-if:they-crack(a-network-account)]

DB: A~ Woah, chill, the confrontAtion wAs totally bogus but the unfortunAte sis got out fine.

DB: A~ WouldA been worse if our indicreepoids weren’t just blowin’ off steAm.

MM: [I-will=!chill>>you-boisterous-fuckwagon>>our-communications-could-be(compromised)]

MM: [fuck++]

MM: [fuck-do=!go(anywhere)>>theyll-know(youre-coming)]

MM: [wait]

MM: [fuck(fuck{fuck++});]

MM: [just-go(somewhere)>>but-do=!tell(anyone-where:it-is)]

[mainframemastermind]

Quite abruptly you are rolled out of your comfortable sleeping position and onto the floor. You may not have daymares as bad as the rest of your huemates, but that does not make you a cheery riser. Luckily for Pirika, you are far too tangled in a wad of snuggleplanes to give her the mauling your lizardbrain wants to.

By the time you’ve fully come-to and extracted yourself, Pirika’s laughter has died down to snorting every time you stumble over. You spare her an unamused glare and notice she’s still on your husktop. Aside from your irritation, this utterly baffles you. You don’t have any games installed on it and she better not be loading things from the net. If she has a computer running in her brain, why would she even need a husktop? You would kill to have that kind of processing power at your command without a dexterity barrier. Then again, she probably doesn’t even know what to do with it.

Why is she on your specialized husktop, then?

You choke down the urge to snatch it back that rattles through your pan, letting it out through a long, pointed stretch. When you look back up she’s popping it in her modus, settling her head on her hands with a strange grin. This doesn’t bode well. 

[grossularkeilhaue]

“When’s the last time we did something stupid together?”

The surprise on his face would be hilarious if it didn’t also make you a bit sad.

“Dunno. ‘Fore fleet assigment, I guess.”

“Bluh to that. C’mon, we can start up the hivecraft server, build some ridiculous booby-trapped fortress for all the network nooblords to get lost in.”

He sighs; you don’t let your disappointment show. You are determined. “As fun as that sounds, I’m already behind on the next security patch, the crawlers have been getting too frequent around the portal nodes and if they-“

“Goddamnit Frohar will the network ever be SAFE? No, it’s not, you’re going to be bumping bulges black with Imperial techies for the rest of your fucking life. That’s why we have backup plans stuffed up to our spongeclots. Shit is always going to happen whether you plan for it or not, so just sit back and relax once and a while. Hivecraft, League of Lesions, Laughsassin’s Creed, Planetary Annihilation, anything. You name it, I’m game.”

For all his caterwauling about how your relationship has changed, you hope he can pull his horns from his ass long enough to see the olive branch waving under his sniffnub. You’re sick of the drama too. 

[mainframemastermind]

You faceplant into your hands, trying to rub away the returning headache.

“Look, I really want to. Nothing would make me happier than to be able to drop everything and frag jerkwads in Battlefiend for a while. But if something happened and I’d been goofing off instead of trying to do something to belay it – I can’t live with that kind of mistake. I don’t think any of us could, because the wrong ‘techie’ finds some juicy little nugget and suddenly we have a drone sweep marching down the valley.”

It’s already bad enough you freaked out and got yourself drunk out of your gourd. You probably put yourself back nights, who knows what you fucked up while trying to convince yourself you were doing fine.

“... Maybe later. When things have calmed down a bit.”

She shoots you a parting incredulous look before rolling out of the pile and making for the door.

“Sure, lemme know whenever that miracle happens.”

You’re back at step one. Nothing gained, still drifting apart and you don’t know what to do without compromising everything you’ve worked for. 

[grossularkeilhaue]

You have your lists and plans and contingencies and formulas and you are bored to tears. You haven’t done this much sterile calculation since you were scrabbling for your pre-assignment training top 10 spot during final evaluations. You were hatched to be outside, doing things, making things, finding things, even occasionally exploding things. Real Things. Not compiling abstract concepts on outdated, piteously limited software. Ugh. You might pass out here and now but then Frohar might glom onto you again and you would rather not wake up to that.

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[mainframemastermind]

Quite abruptly you are rolled out of your comfortable sleeping position and onto the floor. You may not have daymares as bad as the rest of your huemates, but that does not make you a cheery riser. Luckily for Pirika, you are far too tangled in a wad of snuggleplanes to give her the mauling your lizardbrain wants to.

By the time you’ve fully come-to and extracted yourself, Pirika’s laughter has died down to snorting every time you stumble over. You spare her an unamused glare and notice she’s still on your husktop. Aside from your irritation, this utterly baffles you. You don’t have any games installed on it and she better not be loading things from the net. If she has a computer running in her brain, why would she even need a husktop? You would kill to have that kind of processing power at your command without a dexterity barrier. Then again, she probably doesn’t even know what to do with it.

Why is she on your specialized husktop, then?

You choke down the urge to snatch it back that rattles through your pan, letting it out through a long, pointed stretch. When you look back up she’s popping it in her modus, settling her head on her hands with a strange grin. This doesn’t bode well. 

[mainframemastermind]

Pirika is fiddling with your husktop. You try really hard not to be bothered, but. She practically hijacked it. By all rights she should just leave it alone, right? Uggghhh, you know what, forget it, you so do not care right now. Instead, you ooze over to her side of the pile and plop against her shoulder to get a look at what she’s up to. Which is… what even is that?

“Enjoy your snoozles?”

“Gnuh.”

“Yeeeah. Don’t worry, we’ll get some caffeinated bean juice in you soon.” She sympathetically pats the top of your head, which is even more sleep-mussed than usual. It feels like a jackhammer.

She’s being oddly relaxed about your invasion of her personal space. On top of a pile, no less. Wait. Wait that’s wrong. Your memory paging is all wonky, you can’t pull up the last few hours for the life of you. Is this going to turn into some weird masochistic daymare?

“P’rika?” Oh wow, sound is pain. She makes a noise of acknowledgement. “Are we pale now?”

[grossularkeilhaue]

You slowly look towards him, which is quite the awkward angle. Your brows furrow. What? The gears in your thinkpan start turning. Oh it would be sooo easy to get back at him now, but you think the aftermath of his little emotional bloodletting would not be the best time to fuck with him. Damn. Instead, being the magnanimous saint you are, you let him off with a noogie.

“You kinda just made me barf a little, thanks.”

[mainframemastermind]

Oh thank the saints. You heave out a sigh and submit to the noogies. Briefly. You bap her paw away from further disturbing your poor rattling nug. You should probably go back to what you were doing and sleep this one off. There’s nothing important on your plate that needs to be dealt with immediately, and not even coffee sounds like a refreshment at this point.

But first, there’s something you absolutely need to do.

Pirika shoos away your attempts to reclaim your husktop. "You have like, 5 in your sylladex, assbutt." She makes to bite the next hand that approaches and you sulk back over to your side of the pile, briefly powering on one of your palmhusks. 

- mainframeMastermind [MM] started trolling disastrousBroadcaster [DB] –

MM: Don’t even think I don’t remember

MM: Not dead, not broken up, not pale

MM: You owe me 50 caegars

- mainframeMastermind [MM] is now offline –

DB: A~ ... dAmmit.

[mainframemastermind]

Pirika is fiddling with your husktop. You try really hard not to be bothered, but. She practically hijacked it. By all rights she should just leave it alone, right? Uggghhh, you know what, forget it, you so do not care right now. Instead, you ooze over to her side of the pile and plop against her shoulder to get a look at what she’s up to. Which is... what even is that?

“Enjoy your snoozles?”

“Gnuh.”

“Yeeeah. Don’t worry, we’ll get some caffeinated bean juice in you soon.” She sympathetically pats the top of your head, which is even more sleep-mussed than usual. It feels like a jackhammer.

She’s being oddly relaxed about your invasion of her personal space. On top of a pile, no less. Wait. Wait that’s wrong. Your memory paging is all wonky, you can’t pull up the last few hours for the life of you. Is this going to turn into some weird masochistic daymare?

“P’rika?” Oh wow, sound is pain. She makes a noise of acknowledgement. “Are we pale now?”

[disastrousbroadcaster]

-disastrousBroadcaster DB started trolling mainframeMastermind MM –

DB: A~ Ayooooo!

DB: A~ UpdAte: LocAtion still not determined for remAining highbloods. 

DB: A~ SeArch And destroy, y/y? >=D

MM: [make-it(quick-and-quiet)][and-avoid-putting-out(any-friends-for:the-rest-of-the-sweep)]

MM: [how-is-(the-reclamation-operation-going)]

DB: A~ Bluuuuuh. It took forever to find enough psi’s who weren’t AfrAid to touch it. It’s sAlty And frosty As All hell, All the equipment is Already wAterlogged And corroding. You still wAnt their commlink?

MM: [I’ll-see(if-I-can:clean-it-up)][Could-still-be(useful)]

DB: A~ WhAtever you sAy broski. How’s psi-chick? She looked A little shell-shocked to be cruisin’ the countercurrents. Got my doubts About your friends dude. =\

MM: [I-think-you-may-have(scarred-her-for:life)]

DB: A~ HAHAHAHAHA oh mAn I’m sorry. I cAn’t help it if messing with newbies is redic levels of lulz. XD

MM: [your-lulz-initiated(a-nervous-breakdown)»and-nearly-had-her(break-up-with:me)]

MM: [try-to(tone-it:down-in-the-future)][and-maybe-give(the-impression-that:you-aren’t-a-psychopathic-renegade-academy-bomber)]

DB: A~ … Oh. Shit. =(

DB: A~ Look, bro, I get it, but mAybe you need to think About whether she’s reAdy to join the Active front? If she flips her shit when someone doesn’t fit in the eyeseebox thAt gives me dAngerchills All over.

DB: A~ I gottA think About my fAns and she’s been wAcky from dAy zero from whAt I heAr.

MM: [\:<C]

DB: A~ Not thAt I blAme her but uh. YeAh. =T

MM: [your-concerns-have-been(considered)and(overruled)]

MM: [being-a-coadmin-does-not-give(you-carte-blanche-to:insult-my-auspictice)]

DB: A~ Hey dude it’s nothing personAl ok? I’m sure she’s A fine troll n’ All, she even helped thAt orAnge chick outtA the heAt bAck in port, but you gottA consider her constitutions.

MM: [orange-chick]

DB: A~ YeAh the one with the fuzzy jAcket n’ bitchin’ horns. Didn’t reAlly recognize her though. They went ridin’ off together in the millirover, she didn’t hop by your plAce? =S

MM: [no][this-is(all-news-to-me)]

DB: A~ …

MM: […]

DB: A~ … Huh. ThAt’s weird. And psi-chick didn’t tell you?

- mainfraimeMastermind [MM] is an idle troll –

DB: A~ Yoooo not cool just bAilin’ on me bro >=(

DB: A~ Yooo

DB: A~ Frohar

DB: A~ Frobro

DB: A~ Frobro Bedude

- mainfraimeMastermind [MM] is online! –

MM: [sorry»had-to-get(another-bottle-open)]

DB: A~ I will never get your hAbits dude. =S

DB: A~ How does thAt even work? 

MM: [it’s(a-scientifically-proven-concept)»you-can-write(much-better-code-when:a-specific-level-of-drunk»than-sober)]

DB: A~ Oh reAlly?

MM: [you-need-to-finely-calibrate(the-process-for:it-to-work»however)]

MM: [look-up(the-Balmer-Peak)]

DB: A~ Ok now I know you’re shitting me. =P

DB: A~ So whAt’s reAlly going on?

MM: [I-would-rahter-not-talk(about-it)]

DB: A~ WhAtever floAts your yAcht, dude. 

DB: A~ Just sAyin’ you been looking under the weAther As of lAte, And I think I know why. =I

MM: [just-mind(your-own-business)»ok]

DB: A~ Fine, fine. Just don’t come crying to me when she finAlly blows up on your Ass. 

- mainframeMastermind [MM] stopped trolling disastrousBroadcaster [DB] - 

DB: A~ Whoops. I guess I must be more psychic thAn I thought. 

[mainframemastermind]

You really hate that guy sometimes. Him and his stupid pseudo-empath weirdness. You would have written him off as a lunatic as well if he hadn't saved you when you were both a lot younger. Age seems to have only heightened his hunger for mischief. And getting into your business, apparently. 

Ugh. Screw him. You are fine and you are going to sort out this mess tomorrow when the both of you have calmed down. Things will go back to normal and you will rub his sniffnub in it. 

You think this as you crack another bottle and throw your calibrations to the wind. 

[mainframemastermind]

[holy-shit]

[I-think(she's-flirting)]

[mainframemastermind]

He doesn’t seem to have grasped the meaning of your warning. Just as well, most trolls still planet-bound don’t get schoolfeeds on the inner workings of the Imperial Communications Network.

[cut]

[askcrossfirehurricane]

When you start giggling, Jethro scoots around to read over your shoulder, and instead of laughing he says “Dude, no way,” and tries to grab the handheld. You swat at his face, and get a palmful of psi-pinpricks, and both of you endure a moment of chastised silence before he explains.

"That’s one of Sigmah’s patients. That globularKeelhaul chick. Let me talk to her."

"No," you say firmly. "You can either keep your distance and just give me advice, or you can be fully on board with this, but you don’t get to just jump in and meddle." At the word ‘meddle’ he looks guilty, and you chuckle. "You’re an ashen slut, Jethro, face it."

"Hopin’ your matesprit’ll make a honest troll outta me," he laughs ruefully. "Okay, it’s your show, I’ll keep my fronds off it."

BB: wow, talk about a small world. one of us recognizes GK via NE. the details are none of my business, but that’s good enough for me.

BB: i don’t want to create a network and gather my allies. i want to seed a method of creating small networks whereby allies can find each other. many small nodes, any of which could drop out without destroying the whole.

BB: we’re just a small clade with someone we want to protect. someone like GK. we can’t do it alone and neither can you. but there are a lot of us out there in situations like this.

BB: this is just a start. i’ll be using a running-key cipher based on my poems, at least for a while; feel free to mention that to a few careful people. you can also use any other encoding method you like. the black box isn’t a light source, but a medium for light to pass through.

BB: i have to go now. please tell GK i’m glad my words gave them courage, and that they remind me of the person i’m doing this to protect.

- blackBox [BB] ceased trolling mainframeMastermind [MM] -

[mainframemastermind]

That is a very different set of bleep-bloops from the one you were expecting. You look up to see new messages. You read these messages very thoroughly, and are quite flummoxed. By gods you are probably the luckiest troll on Alternia. You hear the long-lost cackle of Being Better Than You coming from your computing block.

No. Not you. Pirika did this. You would have kept the obfuscation going and driven off your lead. Her jumping in is what saved you. You remember this is what it was like before ascension. Alone, the two of you were either paralyzed or careless. Together, you could actually manage being fairly competent.

You can’t bring yourself to be angry or even frustrated. To be honest, you missed hearing that crazy laugh. Pirika’s finally back. 

[mainframemastermind]

This… is probably the most obtuse greeting you’ve ever read. And you’ve written some pretty obtuse greetings. Still, they’ve followed the trail you left them and now you have an open door. They wouldn’t have been able to locate your username if they didn’t have the Trollian patch. Hopefully soon you can expand your circle of trust. For now, it’s time to go fishing without the dynamite. The first dance with online contacts is always awkward roundabout inferences and you have to settle in for a patient standoff.

MM: Nice to hear from you.

MM: I’m not actually a literary specialist, to be honest. I’m more appreciative of the methodology.

MM: Unfortunately, you can’t do the same thing over and over. Wherever patterns emerge, they’ll detect it.

MM: I know because I’ve done it before. It’s just a matter of time. So make sure you’re really playing it safe.

If there’s anything you want to gain from this exchange, it’s knowing you’ve given someone a better chance. You don’t mind giving up that information freely if they seek it, you just want to make sure it’s going into the right hands.

[askcrossfirehurricane]

The disposable handheld chimes, and you read the response with guarded approval. They didn’t take your cryptic message as a cue to talk like a kid FLARPing cloak-and-dagger, and you realize that’s what you wanted to find out. Might as well drop the posturing now, since they’re being straightforward. As for the expert-to-novice tone, well, maybe they are an expert, and you’re definitely new at this despite all your education and research.

BB: there’s no such thing as truly safe, so i’m prioritizing flexibility.

BB: my research suggests that venting frustration through the arts is disregarded to a certain extent. if that turns out not to be the case this time… well, everything is data, isn’t it?

BB: it’s a great way to make friends, though. :D

BB: we’re weak in isolation, but gathering too closely invites retaliation. i believe there’s a third option.

[mainframemastermind]

He doesn’t seem to have grasped the meaning of your warning. Just as well, most trolls still planet-bound don’t get schoolfeeds on the inner workings of the Imperial Communications Network.

MM: You want to create a network, then? Find your allies and connect them together. A task far easier planned than done covertly.

MM: And unfortunately you have the disadvantage of being behind enemy lines.

-grossularKeilhaue [GK] has joined the conversation –

GK: I knew it

MM: GK get the fuck off my commline.

GK: Nö. I töld yöṳ I wânted tö tâlk tö them.

MM: I can relay your questions if it’s that important.

GK: Öh my göd jṳst shṳt ṳp ând let me speâk för myself för önce.

MM: Goddamnit GK this is a security breach don’t make me kick you off the net.

GK: yöṳ cân dö the âwkwârd dânce öf the l337 h4ck3r BFFsies lâter I cân’t wâit för yöṳ tö dö the 9124-stâge frönd-shâke thât yöṳ pṳlled when we first met ök

GK: Löök I

GK: Thânk yöṳ.

GK: Thânk yöṳ BB whöever the fṳck yöṳ âre câṳse för â while there I wâs pretty sṳre I wâs göing tö die pöintlessly.

GK: Höpefṳlly I cân die för sömething thât’s âctṳâlly impörtânt nöw.

- grossularKeilhaue [GK] has disconnected –

MM: .... Uh. That was my auspictice. Sorry.

- grossularKeilhaue [GK] has joined the conversation –

MM: Oh my god.

GK: I ÂM THE NETWÖRK FEÂR ME

MM: GK GET OFF MY HUSKTOP RIGHT NOW DONT MAKE ME COME UP THERE

- grossularKeilhaue [GK] has sent file booyah.pdf –

- grossularKeilhaue [GK] has disconnected –

This is it. Barely five minutes in and all of your credibility just went down the drain. You cover your face in shame and await the bloop-bleep that signals blackBox’s departure. You don’t even bother looking at whatever asinine file Pirika sent over. Whatever it is, it’s large and will take forever to download on this line. 

[mainframemastermind]

[cut]

[askcrossfirehurricane]

You and Jethro have moved your strategy session to a less steamy locale: the large dining room you once used to host Reenactment Society team meetings. You never eat there, but it makes a decent conference room, and if all goes well you’ll be bringing the whole extended clade in on this venture soon.

While Jethro has made it clear he won’t assist in violent rebellion in any way, nor give you access to Sufferist resources, he approves of your initial stage: creating multiple reasonably-secure communication channels for isolated trolls and clades to reach out to each other.

"You’re right, bro," he said, "ain’t no such thing as a really secure channel. Best you can do is ‘probably’. So you keep ‘em scattered and flexible, is what you do. You don’t wanna build one mega-secure underground. You want a squillion lil’ ones that are pretty robust and can drop out without ruining the whole pie."

To that end, he helped you modify your initial plan — a single network to which you play gatekeeper via your data analysis and gut feeling — and build a sort of mobile hub site where trolls can use their own protocols. Multiple secret conversations at once, and the hub merely a transparent medium through which they pass.

"Is this how the Sufferists do it?" you asked him.

"Some of ‘em," he grinned. "Don’t ask who."

"Wasn’t going to. Now, distributing access to this hub — it’s going to spread by word of mouth, but getting it out there in the first place…?"

"Aright, I’m gonna tell you a big secret, but this is a for-real secret, not a tell-your-clade-when-they’re-ready secret, you dig?" He waits for your solemn nod, then goes on, "You know them fluffy lil’ romcoms I write? You know how there ain’t nothing in ‘em the Imperial Censorasers don’t like?"

"Yes…?"

"You know how Helmsmen are allowed approved fiction to keep ‘em docile? Shallow shit like, say, romcoms?"

"Yes?"

"You know how a book code works?"

Your mouth dropped open. You did not begrudge him his smug grin at all, that time.

Now, with dawn long past and the long table littered with notes and computing devices and congealed coffee cups, you check on the discussions your poetry sparked. Predictably, the throwaway accounts you posted it from have recieved several private messages. After deleting the hate spam, the wide-eyed kiddie rebellion, the literary criticism (although you do read that carefully; every artist appreciates feedback), and the vague, well-meaning warnings, one message remains.

It has a certain vague-warning flavor, but it differs from the others in that the sender seems to understand the poetry is just the visible part of a larger plan. And unlike the other “I want in on this” messages, this one was sent securely, and offers a different channel for contact.

You show it to Jethro, and the two of you spend a quiet half hour looking into the sender through your various resources. The account looks clean, and so does the node they gave you the key to. It appears to be a low-traffic bottleneck; no one is going to be playing superhacker on that line without sending up a forest of red flags just from bandwidth consumption.

"Yep," Jethro says at last. "I like it."

"Do I chat with them first, or give them Black Box access right away and see what happens, do you think."

"Up to you, bro. You gotta trust someone sometime. Jump the gun and you could lose Black Box, but it ain’t coming back on you ‘less you do sumpin stupid."

You nod. You download their Trollian upgrade to a clean handheld — keeping a few cheap devices around with disabled GPS and no identifying data is just basic tradecraft — and send a message.

- blackBox [BB] began trolling mainframeMastermind [MM] -

BB: open-hand fistkind deflects power. an open hand can ask for help or offer it. reaching out is dangerous, but aren’t we all used to danger by now? us poetry fans should stick together.

When you show it to Jethro, he snorts. “The hell you gonna learn about the guy talking like that? You tryna play Inscrutable Ancient Master or what?”

"I don’t know, I just feel like this is the way to start."

He rolls his eyes. “You do it your way an’ I’ll do it mine, I guess.”

You go back to work on your hub site while you wait for a reply. All the freely available random number generators format their output weirdly. You’re going to have to write your own, and programming is not your forté.

[mainframemastermind]

This... is probably the most obtuse greeting you’ve ever read. And you’ve written some pretty obtuse greetings. Still, they’ve followed the trail you left them and now you have an open door. They wouldn’t have been able to locate your username if they didn’t have the Trollian patch. Hopefully soon you can expand your circle of trust. For now, it’s time to go fishing without the dynamite. The first dance with online contacts is always awkward roundabout inferences and you have to settle in for a patient standoff.

MM: Nice to hear from you.

MM: I’m not actually a literary specialist, to be honest. I’m more appreciative of the methodology.

MM: Unfortunately, you can’t do the same thing over and over. Wherever patterns emerge, they’ll detect it.

MM: I know because I’ve done it before. It’s just a matter of time. So make sure you're really playing it safe.

If there's anything you want to gain from this exchange, it's knowing you've given someone a better chance. You don't mind giving up that information freely if they seek it, you just want to make sure it's going into the right hands.

[mainframemastermind]

Locating the source hardware does not look like it’s going to be an option, not in the timeframe you have. You’re a signal analyst, not a magician. They’ve likely used a variety of encryption methods across several different proxy routes to evade the scanning algorithms so well. It might not even be just one troll. Their posts and the resulting activity lit up your watchlist monitors but any attempts to trace it were lost in the VPN firehose. Of course that means the Empire can’t detect them either. They already have the know-how, now it’s just a question of whether they’re looking for contributors.

You briefly consider what you have to offer and what you’re looking for in return. You have the hi-jacked communications satellite with off-world contacts, but that’s too risky to play up front. You have the private network centered in the polar region that lets you communicate outside of Imperial awareness, but unless they have a hardline connection to one of the portal nodes it’ll have to go through Imperial territory anyways. There’s always your custom trollian plug-in and streamlined data crawlers as a goodwill gesture. With the fleet of dormant servers you’ve bred and your main computing block, you also have crunchpower rivaled only by the Imperial Network Operators.

You hope this person is as devout as they sound. It’s certainly not something you can pass up. A loyalist sniffing around for someone to take the bait and give up info wouldn’t be posting on such a large scale that would get them outed as well, would they? Script kiddies looking to impress don’t go poking around in activities that could accidentally label them a traitor. An advantage of living in such a paranoid society. There’s no 100% guarantee, but you don’t live on guarantees, just faith.

You compose your initial message with as much tact as you can muster.

Hello. You’ve raised quite an interesting discussion, and it looks like you want the whole planet in on it. That might be a bit risky if you plan on continuing in the same mien. They’ll start knowing what to look for, and they have much more power behind them than you think.

Make of that what you will. If you’d like any assistance, feel free to contact mainframeMastermind.

788.209.34.6:45113

key: QmV0YVBob3MyLjcxMU5ldHdvcmtMb2dpbg==@gl7Vk2*9x0a@QWRtaXNzaW9uIExldmVsIE9uZQ==

You give them the address to connect to one of the low-security nodes you use for outgoing traffic and the authentication key to open the port. This one in particular scans incoming packets for interference or anything that looks remotely like an executable. Slow, good for only text and small files with an embarrassingly high latency you’ve been working on, but they’ll be able to download the trollian upgrade and contact you from there. Once you’ve established a rapport then maybe you might hand them the metaphorical keys to the city.

You could send the message to every instance of the poster you’ve been able to pull up as a display of bravado but you’re not looking to engage in a bulge-waving contest. Especially if this is not a solo act like you suspect. No, you sort the instances by timeframe and send the message off to the account of the very first post. You invoke the symbol of the sacred flame for good measure. Godspeed. 

[mainframemastermind]

- insideInformation [II] began trolling mainframeMastermind [MM] –

[II]: /*Haiil, friiend! :) */

[II]: /* Augh, could you drop that nonsense for a while? You know it gives me a terrible headache. :( */

[MM]: Sorry. Forgot you have ~special eyes~.

[II]: /* Hush you. */

[II]: /*Anyways, it was boriing as always, unfortunately. Same old standstiil about spectrum obliigatiions and ciiviic duty and hiistoriical precedence bluh bluh bluh.*/

[MM]: Maybe you could let them know that sitting on their asses isn’t the correct response to realizing you’ve fucked up.

[II]: /* Ha! II’d liike to see you take that stand. But, that iis not why II’m here. II’ve notiiced you’ve been buiilding quiite a cliientelle. II understand you’re not on stipend anymore; a troll has to subsiist. But friiend, you are goiing to get notiiced. You don’t just hiide thiis kiind of traffiic from the planetary network moniitors. */

[MM]: I’ve taken that into consideration. It doesn’t bother me.

[II]: /*... oh. II see. */

[II]: /* Thiis wiil certaiinly get iinterestiing then, won’t iit? :) */

[MM]: Quite possibly.

[II]: /*Then best of luck, friiend! II’ll tell Fiisnah to say hello to your ghost. */

[MM]: let them know to stock the Vault.

[II]: /* Are you planniing on causiing that much of a ruckus? :P */

[MM]: No. But someone is. Like DB says, you don’t ride the waves without catching the drift.

[II]: /* There have been restless generatiions before. There wiill be more! But restless does not a new order make. Try not to confuse the chaos of young desiires wiith the wiill of Mazdaa, or your anger for riighteousness.  */

[MM]: If you think I’m so misguided, why aren’t you reporting me to the elders?

[II]: /* I do not necessarily think you are misguided. I have seen what they do to helmsmen. I know what they’ve done to Pirika. Your anger for your quadrantmate is justified, and I would be a monster to prevent you from keeping her safe. */

[II]: /* But I am in no position to assist you in treason, either. */

[II]: /* The Council’s directive of bringing order to the cosmos is coming to fruition. In order to achieve that, they’ve embraced the methods of Her Imperious Condescension and the Imperial Fleet. */

[II]: /* And just because subversive currents exists, does not mean that they are ordained or destined to succeed. It only means that to empower them will result in terrible bloodshed. */

[II]: /* Therefore to incite rebellion is to follow the path of madness. */

[II]: /* Regardless of what Zarath Ushtra would have had to say on the matter himself. */

[MM]: So you agree with me, but aren’t willing to help? What kind of conviction is that?

[II]: /* I said I wasn’t in a position to. I am still closely monitored. I will be of much more use to you as an insider than an excommunicate heretic. :P */

[II]: /* You seem tense. Accusatory language is not your nature. Maybe you aren’t as at peace with your situation as you say? */

[MM]: I’m fine doing whatever I have to.

[MM]: It’s Pirika. She’s not exactly on board.

[II]: /* Still dragging her along on a dinghy, are you? */

[MM]: I don’t know how else to help her. How to keep her from getting herself killed.

[MM]: Or.

[MM]: Killing herself.

[MM]: You know how terrible a moirail I was.

[II]: /* :) You weren’t THAT terrible. You let me keep you from killing people two whole times! */

[MM]: So supportive, thank you.

[II]: /* Any time. Is she still relapsing? */

[MM]: No. Not as bad as before anyways. She’s lost her temper and had anxiety episodes but she hasn’t tried to call the fleet or tear down my hive. Much.

[II]: /* .... You need to pap that. :I */

[MM]: I value my fronds. As much as she needs a moirail, she doesn’t pity me, and I wouldn’t pity her if the conditioning hadn’t fucked with her thinkpan. That’s a horrible reason to be pale for someone. And if anything she thinks I’m trying to get her killed, yes let’s add conciliatory non-con to that.

[II]: /*  ... You could use a pap or two yourself. :I */

[MM]: Please don’t start that again.

[II]: /* *pap* */

[MM]: Ugh.

[II]: /* I know a few folks who are looking to fill their pale quadrant and wouldn’t mind staying quiet for a brother. */

[MM]: No.

[II]: /* Why not? It’s not like you have much choice. */

[MM]: I’m not setting up blind dates for her. That’s weird.

[II]: /* Picky picky. Well, there’s always helmspotters. :P */

[MM]: I am going to find you and shove fibrous steel matting up your gills. That’s gross.

[II]: /* Whaaaat? It’s one of the sites you’ve been monitoring, isn’t it? */

[MM]: Yes, for useful information, not for

[MM]: Just. Go talk to Fisnah.

[II]: /* :/ Tch, fine. */

-insideInformation [II] stopped trolling mainframeMastermind [MM] -

[mainframemastermind]

[private journal entry 742]

You don’t get it. I’m not doing this because of quadrant obligations, not so you’ll owe me. I’m doing this because it was my fault to begin with. It was my fault that I let you board that ship alone. It was my fault that they were able to find out you were a psionic and put you in for testing. It was my fault that I let you think you’d be ok living as hardware. It was my fault that they were able to coerce you into compliance. It was my fault that Blacek overruled our captain and set you out as bait. It was my fault that Worldeater died, and as much as I hate to think, that part of you went with it.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry that this is the life you have to live now. I’m so sorry for everything I’ve done and failed to do. I thought I was living better than my namesake but that was a horrific self-delusion. I can’t make you understand that. But I can make it right. You don’t have to understand for me to protect you. You don’t even have to like me. Hate me, if you hate to. But for all that you think I’m trying to dance the line between survival and rebellion, you’re wrong.

I don’t intend to dance the line at all. 

[mainframemastermind]

This is one of those days where you really want to post this up on one of those shitty dating websites just on the offchance a miracle occurs and she can actually get herself another decent quadrantmate. There's only so much you can do to keep her swan diving off the deep-end before edging into red territory. You used to be her go-to when her natural inclinations got her in trouble; now everything is tied up in an ugly emotional mess that you don't want to even poke at because it would probably bite your hand off.

Unfortunately the root of her problems is also the reason she will probably never resolve them. Her cover would be blown the instant her scars came into view, and even if her suitor was the most ignorant dunce known to trollkind, they couldn't stay planetside forever. There's a number of anarchist circles you know of where you could pass her info around but that would feel even closer to matchmaking and exponentially more creepy. 

So, instead, you sigh wistfully at your charming rendering and imagine the day when Pirika stops being a clueless shut-in and figures out how to socialize. 

[mainframemastermind]

===> Have A Terrible Excursion

[grossularkeilhaue]

Beep beep beep, backing up.

“Yeah, checked through all the conditions, regulators won’t even help me scoot myself around on captain’s orders. It’s against starfleet general protocol or something.”

Read More

[mainframemastermind]

For a moment you are silenced in awe of the destructive power under your feet, a cataclysm away from oblivion, shielded only by the laws binding the chaos of the universe into order. The next moment, you realize the vector of the pyroclastic flow is you. A serene calm envelops you as you accept that, if you die, it will at least be a more badass way to go than out an airlock.

“Ride. Ride like the wind.”