Somebody asked me via private message for my opinion about “the biggest misconceptions about D/s and what people should know before getting into a dynamic”. I think maybe others can benefit from my answer to this question too, so I give it publicly in this post…
1) D/s can never ever fix existing relationship problems. If you have a vanilla relationship that you want to transfer into a D/s Dynamic, don’t think for a second that D/s will make things better or easier. The opposite would be the case. You can’t build a D/s Dynamic on a shaky foundation. - This seems to be a common misconception for people in a vanilla relationship who want to start with D/s, that it would fix problems. No, it won’t.
2) There seems to be a general misconception about what D/s even is in the first place. Vanilla and D/s are presented like two completely different things, opposites even, but that’s not really the case and shows a lack of understanding of the fundamentals: Every relationship has a power dynamic! In every relationship, no matter if romantic, platonic, professional or whatever, you have one person a little bit more in charge of one matter than the other. Eg in romantic relationships women have usually the dominant role when it comes to home decoration, the partner with the higher income has often the last word about financial decisions, men are usually in charge of fixing things etc (I know, these are clichés, but more often than not they’re true, and it’s just random examples anyway). And also generally you normally have one partner who “has the pants on” in a relationship. This has nothing to do with D/s in a narrower sense, it’s just inherent to relationships, that’s how they work. A power dynamic is nothing that you artificially introduce or add to a relationship, it’s already there, always. Most people are just not aware of that.
In a “D/s Dynamic” you bring this characteristic to the surface and decide consciously who has how much power in which field, and establish some sort of hierarchy. And then you explicitly live by it. In my opinion you have the same hierarchies in many vanilla relationships too, people just don’t know about it consciously, and that causes friction and tension. So in the end D/s is not something out of the ordinary, it’s simply reflecting and consciously deciding about the power distribution in your relationship.
Often you have a kink aspect in D/s relationships too, but for itself D/s has nothing to do with kink. Kink is just a certain kind of sexuality.
3) See all the misconceptions about “slaves” [link]. Of course all of this applies to all subs, not only to those who identify as slaves.
4) In not many other contexts you have such a strong desire to label people and things as in D/s. Masters, littles, S&M, and so on… Everything gets put into a box, and many people become insecure when they compare themselves to others in the same box, to the point where they start doubting if they’re even really a “true [label]”. I tell you a “secret” now about relationships, I tell you the core of what makes a relationship happy: To have another person, with whom you can be completely yourself, drop all masks, and they love you for exactly this, for who you really are. This is the core of a happy relationship, and it’s the reason why labels are irrelevant. Other subs, slaves, littles, Doms, Masters, Daddies are different than you, do things differently, like different things? That doesn’t make you less of a [label], it just makes you you, and that’s what it’s all about. As long as you are yourself, you are happy, your partner is happy with who you are (=you’re compatible) and you don’t hurt others by being yourself, you’re absolutely a “true [label]” if that means anything to you. And if it doesn’t, even better.
5) It is normal that you have phases in your relationship or Dynamic, during which things work better or worse, you’re more or less frustrated, kinky, balanced, whatever. Relationships are not static, they grow and evolve and change, in cycles, with recurring patterns, or gradually forever. That’s fine, that’s a good thing in general. Of course it can happen that things move into the wrong direction, then you have to talk about it and reverse this motion, but in general it’s perfectly normal that not everything stays the same forever.
Btw this can apply to the parameters of the relationship itself too, eg to limits or preferences. It’s okay if they change over time and it is okay, even required in that case, to re-negotiate the parameters with your partner. Yes, you’re absolutely “allowed” to do that as a sub!
6) Everybody says that communication would be the most important thing to make D/s work. But that’s only one side of the coin. You can communicate as much as you want if you communicate about the wrong things or don’t even know what you should communicate. Self reflection is the other side, that’s just as important. Negative changes that happen slowly enough are difficult to recognize if you don’t make a constant conscious effort to be self aware. I recommend to everybody in D/s to keep a diary! Either a common diary in which you both write, or each a private one, that’s also okay, just to be forced to listen to yourself and pay attention to what’s going on in your head and heart. When you have to write about yourself, you have to be self aware, and so you will notice problems much earlier.
7) There is a difference between punishment, maintenance discipline and fun, and it’s super important to be aware of it. (a) Punishments only occur as the consequence of an infraction and have to be proportional in type and intensity to the severity of the infraction. A Dom should never have fun punishing his sub - if he does, he doesn’t understand the meaning of a punishment. (b) Maintenance discipline is usually scheduled and has the purpose to remind both partners of the power hierarchy by making it directly, physically perceivable. It’s a difference to know that someone has power and to actually feel it physically. It can also be used for the benefit of the sub only, as a sort of “release” of negative emotions. © And aside from a and b you can of course do whatever you want just for the sake of having fun. — If a Dom doesn’t understand this distinction, you have all kinds of problems potentially coming up, like setting the sub up for failure/subs intentionally disobeying in order to actively trigger a punishment, or Doms using punishments to vent anger, or a fading of the Dynamic when maintenance would be needed but isn’t done, or boredom if the Dom isn’t aware that he can just do something “just because he wants to” (for fun), within the negotiated framework of course, or if sub isn’t aware that she can just ask for a spanking too, and so on…
8) Doms don’t have to play strong and infalible all the time, it doesn’t diminish their “domliness” not to hide the fact that they’re human beings. Quite the opposite. It will only deepen the sub’s trust when a Dom is capable to own his mistakes, it will deepen the connection if the Dom can cry on his sub’s shoulder when he is sad, it will strengthen the bond when both work on problems together as a Team instead of having the Dom pretending that he can do everything alone all the time. @Doms if you have a sub who can’t submit to you anymore because she has seen you weak, she doesn’t understand what D/s is and she will never be yours fully. You are allowed and encouraged and required to show your sub all of you, your super manly alpha domliness as well as your tears and fears and doubts. Let your sub serve you not only by sucking your dick but also by being there for you and support you when you’re having a hard time. This will only make her trust you and submit to you even more. Except you’re a whiney little pussy crying about everything every day (okay, I’m exaggerating a bit here, but you know what I mean), in this case you can’t be a Dom because you couldn’t take responsible for another human being, but the normal landscape of emotions that everybody has within them is perfectly normal to show to your partner.
10) You can’t dominate mental health issues. Get professional help if you have any. You can be supportive and you can care, and this can absolutely make all the difference, but you can’t cure mental illnesses by D/s, or love, alone.
11) Consent is mandatory. For everything, all the time.
12) To involve a third party in your Dynamic will most likely cause problems and will never ever fix any problems that you might already have. Only do that if you have a 100% stable, solid, healthy, happy relationship on rock solid foundation of trust and love, and if you’re both 100% certain that this is exactly what you both want. And then pick someone that you’re both 100% comfortable with, do not have only one side pick someone and the other just has to live with the pick. In this matter there can’t be any inequality of power, but both sides must have equal say in everything.
13) Love is not enough to make a relationship work. Compatibility is everything!!
14) Real life obligations always have priority before kink. Otherwise a relationship won’t last long.
15) I often read something like “Am I allowed, as a sub, to….?” - and in 99% of all cases the answer is “Yes, of course you are!” - Am I allowed to declare x a limit? Am I allowed to want/ask my Dom to do y? Am I allowed to feel z? Yes, yes and yes. As a sub you have the same basic rights as every other girlfriend/boyfriend or wife/husband. All your wants, needs, feelings, desires, preferences, limits are valid. You are always allowed to declare everything a limit. You can always respectfully ask your Dom to fulfill whatever Want or desire you might have (but don’t react bratty if he says no, that’s his right to do, if it’s not about a need of yours). You are always allowed to express your feelings and opinions and questions. You’re an individual, nobody even needs to allow you to be one or could forbid you to be one!
Just off the top of my head. There’s certainly much more that I didn’t think of right now spontaneously. Feel free to make additions @everybody.
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