Maleah Harrison

Trynna be like Rupi Kaur, just a lot more long winded.

[tonightweredrinkingfromthebong]

screenshots dont do this justice

[broitsablog]

*inhuman clicking*

[frostychica]

the millennial steve irwin

[maleahharrison]

Love is fair

You should say “I love you” only because you love that person. Not because “you’re scared to lose them” in that instance your fear becomes manipulation. And have a sit down with yourself and ask if you REALLY love that person, would you want to manipulate them?

“I love you” is tossed around like a black sock with bleach stains. It is one of the purest and honest things you can say to someone, unless it is not honest. Love is such a simple thing really but we make it difficult on ourselves and the other person if we don’t know how to.

Take it from a girl who LOVES so much, but I held back saying I love you unless I mean it. It is a STRONG word, and it has power over everyone’s emotions, if not used correctly, such a beautiful thing can be more damaging than miraculous like god created it to be.

Now don’t think I’m telling you that you cannot love more than one person because you can, and more than likely will. But know the difference between love and lust. Lust isn’t always sexual, it can just be infatuation with that person aswell.

Just like your momma told

You, (at least mine did) You’ll know love when you see it, and it can be scary, because it’s such a good thing you want to hold onto and it can make you do silly things. But love is NOT, I repeat NOT an excuse or card you can pull for your own idiotic behavior.

Love is also not something you can use against them. “If you love me....you’ll do this” that, is manipulation. Love is something God have us as a GIFT, not a gift card.

Love is meeting half way, love is not doing everything to please that person. It is a two way street you choose to take every day. Love is consideration, love is fair.

It is honestly sad to me that the MOST beautiful thing God has given us is used to torment and hurt each other. It is supposed to be joyful and genuine. Not a tool. The only instance love would be used as a “tool” is SELF love to fix YOURSELF.

I think the only time love is not fair is when it’s just not meant to be. You choose to be fair or you choose not be. Love is easy, it’s only hard when the person you love doesn’t return the favor.

[maleahharrison]

I’m so grateful there’s still mature relationships out there, where we can talk through things that bother us with open ears and hearts instead of being immature and childish by ignoring or procrastinating the others feelings.

Now I’m sure someone in my past is going to read this, and think “wow, hypocrite.”

But really, I’ve had a lot of one sided relationships in my life. Not “boyfriend girlfriend” relationships, but friendships, too.

I’ve had situations where I express my feelings are hurt and I want to fix the problem and it was ignored or tormented with, or held against me. And I honestly think that is one of the most cheap shots you can shoot. By taking someone’s vulnerability they shared with you and using it as black mail. That is all too common for my comfort. I know that because it had happened to me constantly. I learned that just having a small circle I was better off. Now that sounds “sad” or “pitiful” to some, that I choose to have only a handful of friends. But in reality, I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life because I have 6 friends. And 4 I regularly hang out with. I learned to stop calling acquaintances, “friends” and started calling them what they are.

Acquaintances.

Now I have handful friends that I’ll happily call every now and then and would stay on the phone for hours catching up, and I know with all my heart they are my friends. Sometimes the ones you’re all too close with are the ones that will stab you in the back. You never think that, no, my best friend would never!

It happens people.

Trust me.

Take it from a junior in high school who doesn’t even go to high school! (Homeschooled)

Anyway what I started this out with is I’m grateful.

This year 2018, I prayed that I’d obtain relationships worth keeping. Because I had worn of velcro relationships too much.

And I got what I asked for exactly.

I had lost people I never thought I’d lose, I was about that, let me tell you. Because I put my heart and soul into everything I love. I’m not a half empty, or half full girl. I’m a full cup girl.

At one point last year I had toxic relationships that literally lead me to be physically sick. I had headaches and stomach aches and puked at least once every few to 4 days.

I was reminded of it everyday and they made sure of it. I’d tell my mom about the things going on and she looked at me and said “I can barley even stand to hear about these things, how are you taking it like you are?”

I sighed and said “they’re my best friends?”

With a question mark.

And then I realized that was the only excuse I had to give them. I was comfortable, I had been friends with these people for a long time.

Time doesn’t measure the love someone has for you.

Because now, these relationships I’ve got in my life now, they’re so fresh, and they have better intentions on keeping and loving me more than the people who were in my life for YEARS.

Now, those relationships I speak of weren’t all bad. I had lots of brightness in them, we taught each other things about one another that most people didn’t know.

I made good memories with those people and I don’t take it for granted.

But what over powered all that was how things were ending at a downward spiral.

One day I became so sick, (literal) I couldn’t stand up off the couch, and my mom knows I don’t complain unless I’m serious about something. I’ve never seen her run back and forth to bring me things so fast before. She prayed over me with tears streaming down both our faces. She hated seeing me that way. I, hated seeing me that way.

Especially since that control was in the hands of someone else.

At one point we went outside to do a thing called “grounding” where you place your hands and feet on grass, the natural texture is something to increase healing.

My mom brought a blanket and wrapped it around me while I sat on the ground, she sat with me and wrapped her arms around me. I cried so hard I had never cried like that before.

I remember my mom asking me “are you hurt?”

And I shook my head no, she said “yeah you are, just not physically.”

After I chose to cut those people out of my life, which was one of the hardest decisions I had ever made, I gave them no real reasoning why I had left. I kind of just left. They hated and I’m sure still hate me for that.

I had given them several warnings that I would but they called my bluff every single time.

A short month later I had found myself in the happiest state I had ever been in. I found the most genuine loving people. Who do nothing but care and love for me.

My mom saw me skipping in my house one day and said “I’m happy to see you doing that again”

I almost broke down when she said that, she doesn’t know that. I felt awful knowing that I let someone control my happiness so much that I, the happiest girl you’ll meet, didn’t skip and sing around my house anymore. I wanted to apologize to my mom that that side of her daughter was taken away.

It’s rare now that I let people in my life that I’m not 100% sure about.

Just a few months ago I didn’t care who came in or left it.

Now I’ve truly got something to hold onto.

“Above all else, guard your heart. for everything flows from it. {Proverbs 4:23}

March 28th, 2018

9:57 PM

[maleahharrison]

I think it’s silly how things i used to loath are now my favorite 

I used to hate the sound of a keyboard clicking and now it’s my job and my motivation 

I used to think yellow was an ugly color, now i see it in people, when i see someone giving an act of kindness i imagine yellow for some reason, not necessarily because yellow is stereotyped as the happiest color but more or less because i just love the color in and of itself. (i sound like such a fairy in this paragraph)

this one will shock you, i used to hate painting. i never liked how anything i painted would turn out. i had given up the idea of it for a long time. now, I'm running out of space on my wall I’ll eventually have to take down the mirror hanging there. 

i thought i would love the same shows forever and ever and they've become boring to me now. (don't most shows after the 6th or 7th season and they run out of things to do?)

this will also become a huge shocker to anyone i have taken to get food. a year ago, i didn't like chick-fil-a, at all. now i cry every Sunday. 

don’t get me started on how many bands I've worn out in my life time, i still sing a song that barely anyone knows thats been one of my favorites for years. that is one that has always stuck with me. if you're here from my Instagram, welcome! scroll down to almost the very bottom of my profile you'll see a black screen video of me singing, that is the song. no it is not the Sam Smith song, keep scrolling. 

i have changed so much as a person in the past few years. it’s the reason my mom won't let me get a tattoo, even though it would have meaning it would be completely different to me in a year or so. i like constant change, moving forward. 

what i’m saying is change, is real. you more than likely won't be friends with all the people you are with your whole life. you probably won't marry the person you're with. you may, that may--be your change. you more than likely won't love the same bands at the age 40. your tattoo you got years ago may have no meaning to you now, but remember that it did at one point, and why it did. 

remember the old things and decisions you don't like looking back on, it’s what carried you to be the person reading this today. remember what things meant to you 3 years ago, why that certain verse of that certain song drove you to tears, remember because in 3 years you'll look back at what you're doing right now, in this moment. 

December 5th, 2017

12:11 AM 

[maleahharrison]

Better yourself

Something I've tried to tell all of my friends when they can't find someone who suits them is

Look at yourself

Would you want to date you?

If not then you need to do something. Would you fall in love with you? This isn't necessarily a self love post but more of a fixing yourself for better.

I don't exactly agree with someone saying they want to "grow" with another person, at our teenage years. Sure, you can, you can do that. If that's what's best for the both of you.

I have the tendency to love too much, especially if someone asks me to. I've been trying to teach myself that it's better to constantly fix yourself, and your actions, than to put up with and help fix someone else's; while you're still working on your own.

I don't want to be a mother to the person I'm with, I want to be a girlfriend.

I may sound like an uh-supportive girlfriend and I'm far from that, what I'm saying is his happiness should not be my responsibility at this age. Yes, it can be something I hope to bring into his life, but it is not my job.

If you like women with a "perfect" (to your standards) body, then work to make yours the same.

If you want someone who is kind, caring, respectful, loyal, be that first.

Be. Your. Standards.

Or don't have any at all.

If you have so much to bring to the table and you're still single, now just is your time to be single.

Relationships aren't just the cute captions and pictures you see, it's more than that. It mainly depends on the two people, but most of the time it's work.

I'm gonna add in a how I met your mother reference in here.

All you hear is how hard love is, that's all I see when I scroll through Twitter.

And Marshall, my favorite character, cleared the air on that subject, and said

"being a couple is hard. Committing, making sacrifices is hard, but with the right person, it's easy. Looking at that girl, knowing she's all you'll really want out of life, that should be the easiest thing in the world, if it's not like that, then she's not the one"

I know you, you'll try and convince yourself that the writers of how I met your mother wrote that especially about your significant other. But if they're not the one, you know deeepppppop down, that isn't the truth. All things happen in their time.

December 3rd, 2017

10:37 PM

[maleahharrison]

Things my driving instructor said to me

"Atta kid" about 30 times

(When I said I liked his Alice and chains shirt) "you like this band??? You're cooler than all the kids here"

(Upon me telling him I paid for anything my brother had to pay for gas to drive me to before I had my license) "Wow that's very considerate, most sisters aren't like you, more girls should be like you"

"YES MY DAUGHTER IS BEAUTIFUL ISN'T SHE?"

"Did you girls know that Katy Perry came out with a new song this week? So did Brittany spears!!" *plays us the songs* He was a 43 year old man

"Yeah, that's my house. please don't egg or TP my house for your senior prank, it's unoriginal, protect my house please"

One of the girls in my group had never driven before, he didn't know that and started her out on a narrow bridge. Me and the other girl who BARLEY knew each other were legit holding hands thinking we were gonna die "Pull over. Maleah, you drive." I drove most of her hours.

"I love tiny pizza, EAT THE REST OF YOUR TINY BACON PIZZA, GET FUEL FOR DRIVING"

"You get a personal pizza and a refillable drink for only 6 dollars?? What a deal!"

"DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT wear sandals the day you take your test YOU WILL FAIL, it's a fashion fail as is"

"Here's your green card, Maleah stop laughing."

"Can I call you sister since that's your nickname, I don't wanna butcher your real name"

"You weren't paying attention? Well neither was I we gotta figure this out together"

When I had told him I finished 10 chapters while everyone was on 4 he said "you're either cheating or have too much time on your hands to actually want to do the work"

"You finished your work early AGAIN? Yes, you can have your phone just be discreet"

"That same squirrel was in that tree when we passed it last doesn't he have better things to do?"

"Hey let's go surprise my wife at work, she's a counselor if you need one."

I whispered "might"

He said "for elementary"

"You play guitar AND banjo? Heck of a thing."

"I know hip lingo, I know how you kids are, moving and grooving with the whip and nae nae"

I had told my other driving instructor that my brother and I thought he had nice calves and he bought my meal

"You've been dealing Doritos?"

We had driven to Durant, and he wanted to stop at South Eastern campus. There was a gate open to the football field, he looked at me and the other girls and said "if we see campus police I don't know you and i have the keys" and we did cartwheels on the 40 yard line.

When watching an 80's drivers ed video with absolutely awful acting, the main character who would magically show up on roller blades and would present the things that the driver had done wrong, we were all laughing "Guys take it seriously I know he's wearing tight pants and roller blades but please listen to what he's saying so we can all go home"

And lastly this man that had been teaching us how to drive safely drives out of the school parking lot at about 40 miles per hour

[maleahharrison]

Writers have super powers

If you don't believe me, you're wrong. Or you just aren't a visual reader. If you only see words in front of you, I apologize. You're missing out. I think writers have super powers because I can sit in my bed reading and be in Amsterdam all at once, with stringed city lights and long lived bodies of water stretching for miles and miles, couples on boats kissing each others wine stained lips. I could be sitting by my window while snow falls reading of summer and all of its rays and vitamins it provides, so maybe, just for an hour or so, I feel warm again. The vibrating heat waves you can see from a distance while you drive, sunglasses and sunscreen is the true love of your life for the 4 months of heat. 7 Am mornings reading about late nights, crickets, darkness and roaring bonfires. The smell. Music in the air and distance laughter to harmonize with it. Whispers and eyes meeting, something to do with when the sun goes down, it's like the sun is our baby sitter and the moment it rests we are allowed to be wild children. It will be 102 degrees outside, I read of Christmas, I can smell cinnamon and feel the texture of glitter splattered ornaments the character made when they were young, and their mother refused to throw out. I feel the radiation of a microwave from the Raman noodles a college student makes for their thanksgiving dinner. I can see what a character is wearing and the number of freckles on their cheeks by a few minutes of work put in by the author, that will serve an eternity of images in others minds. I can feel what they feel, love, hate, depression, pure joy, second hand embarrassment, you can't close your eyes or look away like you can while watching movies, you have to be a part. A part of something you have no control of, you're just there to visit. Maybe that's why all dreams I have are never first person. It's always third. Watching other people live their lives, arguments and kindness unfold in front of me. If you don't think that's magic, then I don't know what is.

-Maleah harrison

November 10th, 2017

12:12 PM

[maleahharrison]

Change

i’m laying here, pajamas, fresh out of a shower, on my bed eating Halloween candy. and i have a bursted taste bud, i get them sometimes and they’re the biggest pain in the bud. okay now puns aside, i randomly thought about the fact that taste buds change every 7 years. 

the way you taste things changes, it’s a sense altered. 

you crave things you’ve never craved and forget about certain things you used to adore. 

skin replaces itself every 6 weeks 

this is aimed at you, 17 year old boy pulling your hair out worried about what college you’ll go to. 

and you, the teenage girl with a pregnancy test labeling positive. 

you, the college student who thinks you have to have your life figured out at the age of 19

you, the girl buried into her comforter listening to sad love songs after finding out you’ve been cheated on

you, the single mother who takes extra shifts during the holidays for your kids so they can have a normal Christmas 

you may hate my silly analogies i come up with while eating candy on Halloween, but you do know it’s the truth that change is a very real thing. you know that change can be good and you refuse to believe that it could ever happen to you. i want to knock you upside the head, you don’t believe that good things can happen to you because you’re too young? too old? confused? stressed? not smart enough? scared? depressed? 

the fact that you don’t believe that good things can happen to you is shutting the door of opportunities. 

change, is scary, i agree. but the aftermath is anything but that.

[maleahharrison]

"Don't let no boy ruin your pumpkin patch"

I was driving with my dad today, my brother and his girlfriend had gone on a little surprise date I asked where they ended up going and my dad said "pumpkin patch" I then become extremely bitter because I have done nothing fun that you do in fall besides paint a pumpkin, and knowing me I want to do every activity I can during any holiday. He said "well, Maleah think about this, you don't have a jerk to ruin pumpkin patches for you" I ask him to explain what he meant, he said "I promise you you'll find someone you deserve and that's good to you, but just think about for now there's no jerk to ruin your pumpkin patch memories" He knows the female brain better than I thought he did. I no longer enjoy certain things I used to because I experienced them with someone who later dismissed my life. I don't enjoy certain songs because they remind me of past people. Certain foods don't taste as good because I introduced someone to them. I guess that is the truth, that sometimes you waste good memories on people who don't deserve that space in your head. He said "you just gotta go through a few jerks to get a good one okay?" I said "gone through a few, hoping to get a good one soon" Then I added "they're only lessons dad." He looked at me as if he wanted me to explain. "They're only here to show me what I don't want" He smiled and said "you're exactly right" I'm deciding not to rush, and just let things happen. I'm not gonna let no boy ruin my pumpkin patch memories. October 28th, 2017 -Maleah Harrison

[babyanimalgifs]

this is the purest thing I’ve ever seen

[maleahharrison]

Vegas

I have avoided talking about this particular subject for a few reasons that may not be good enough to name. Mainly because it's something everyone is talking about. But it's been eating at me. Why would someone ever, ever want to kill innocent people. It absolutely breaks my heart in two. Something I don't think many have thought about is the shooter, and what made him the way he was, what happened to him in his life time to make his heart so incredibly hard. I have a hard time believing he is human, in a way. I have a hard time believing that humans have the capability to contain so much anger and hate. Thousands of people went to that concert with happiness, most left completely scarred, some were not lucky enough to leave those grounds. If I only type in the letter "V" the first thing that pops up in google is "Vegas shooting" that shows that so many are just as confused as I am. And are looking for a purpose in this. I am the person who will always tell you to find purpose in everything. I'm having a lot of trouble finding it in this. I have heard so many times "in God's eyes murder is the same as a white lie" It has become so routine to hear that I never thought deeper into it. How thankful I am to have such a loving God. Who loves us no matter our faults. I sometimes don't know why God loves us the way he does, in such a vast way. but I've learned not to question it. My heart is in Vegas, the families it affected, and the families who no longer are with us.

-Maleah Harrison

October 3rd, 2017

10:44 PM

[maleahharrison]

Challenged

So recently I haven’t been writing many of these lately, for many reasons, and most of those reasons are not good enough to name. I’ve been a little lazy on this side out of pure honesty, I started writing a new book a little less than a month ago and I’ve been working on it non stop. I asked anyone if they would give me suggestions on something to write, someone answered and said “write about something that challenges you.” I thought about it And thought about it And didn’t realize it till just now While I lay in a tightly tucked white sheeted bed here in Hawaii, while it’s 9:12 PM here, and 2:12 AM at home where my friends are all sleeping and I’m watching a luau being picked up from a night of fun. That the thing that challenges me is, These writings. I get bored of them. I feel like they aren’t getting me very far, very few notice them that have actually reached out and spoken to me about them. Mostly close friends give me feedback. Don’t get me wrong I love writing and I’m not trying to get any sort of spot light out of this I feel like I’m shouting and spilling my guts into a mountain where absolutely no one can hear me besides the trees. These writings are solely to help other people and myself aswell. I keep challenging myself to write write write. I have been. Trust me You’ll see Behind closed doors and 2 AM creativity spurs lit by laptop screens These ones that I do publish, here, are barley getting noticed. It challenges me because I am spilling and spilling, love and hatred and every emotion that fuels anyone to write and I feel like everyone has their ears covered.

-Maleah Harrison

September 18, 2017 9:30 PM Hawaii September 19, 2:30 AM Oklahoma

[maleahharrison]

Losing and looking and learning.

Where is the last place you remember finding it? That’s the first question anyone will ask you when you lose something. So, by nature, your first instinct is to look the last place you had it. Losing something doesn’t always mean an object, but I’m sure you already know that, from seeing all these soulfilled dripping poems that make you feel like rain and everything gloomy. I’m trying to convince myself that losing something can be a good thing. I always tell my friends that when you’re 30, with kids and a spouse, and a stable job, none of this will matter. I’m always happy, cheery Maleah. Little cheerleader mom of the group who picks people up when they’re down, saying “YOU CAN DO THIS, THIS FEELING IS JUST FOR NOW, OKAY?” I truly have a hard time following my own advice. Not a day goes by that one of my friends doesn’t ask me “what do I do about this” I stop what I’m doing and try to figure out what I can do to help. When it comes to myself, I just sit in bed. I’m the biggest optimist when it comes to other people, and tend to turn into a pessimist when it’s myself in the rough situation. It may seem that all these writings are to other people. they are, that, too. But they’re mainly to myself. Reminding myself it’s okay to feel a certain way. Back to what I was saying in the first paragraph. When you lose something, the first thought is to look for it the last place you remember having it. But what if the last place you remember having something isn’t a good place? if you remember having your sock in a muddy ditch, would you go looking for it, or would you buy a new pair of socks? Maybe the thing I’m trying to say is that, you can find something again, but try going with a different angle. Currently I’m a 90 degree, hoping for the best.

Maleah Harrison

August 22nd, 2017. 2:19 PM

[maleahharrison]

Your last day on earth.

If it was your last day on earth, would you being what you’re doing right now? Stressing over money, over a relationship you aren’t overwhelmingly happy in? What would the first thing you do be? Because if you’d ask me, I’d say I have no idea. My first stereotypical thought would be to sky dive, or climb Mount Everest. First, would come clean with everyone I’ve ever done wrong, and tell every person I love about everything they mean to me. Would you continue to lie, and cheat, take people for granted? If it was your last day on earth would you confess your love to them? Or would you sit on our hands, foot tapping, biting your lip, and let them a walk away? Would you stop continuously putting off that thing you know you’ve always wanted to do, but never had the heart to do it? Would you paint the night sky every color your eye has ever contained, or would you sit in the bed of an old pick up and stare at the stars in awe of everything they’ve seen? Would you pay to have your palms read and watch the palm readers face knowing they are about to tell you that your death date is today, and laugh at the thought of it? Who would you give all your money and belongings to? And why would you give it to that specific person? Would you sky dive, hop on a ferries wheel or a plane, to rid of your anxiety of heights? Would you try the spiciest food on a Chinese food restaurant menu? If it was your last day on earth would you throw yellow paint on a white wall and call yourself Van Gogh? dance on your tip toes on roof tops singing your favorite song at the top of your lungs, voice cracking with a smile spread across your face. Would you be living the life you are living? Or would you continue to live the life everyone expects you to?

Maleah Harrison

August 10th, 2017.

[maleahharrison]

Happiness is not a choice

Every one will tell you your happiness is what you choose it to be. I say bull. Life will knock you down, and pick you up again. We did not choose depression, we did not choose anxiety, we did not choose our family dying, we did not choose where we grew up. We did not choose the color our skin was painted. we did not choose any of those things. So why does it make it any different with happiness? You can't wake up one day and decide "I'm not depressed I'll be happy today" It doesn't work that way. It takes a lot of time. Talking yourself into crawling out of your comforting comforter. Eating more, or less. Sitting outside in the sun for no reason. having a conversation with a stranger. Drinking lots of water. Reading. Being kinder to people who serve you. Taking time to sit down and chill when you've been in a store even if it's been 15 minutes and you're overwhelmed. Walking barefoot everywhere to feel texture. Taking a 30 minute shower. Forcing yourself to talk when your eyes are heavy and your words may be slurred due to little sleep the night before. Counting breaths. Taking ibuprofen when you need it. Dog earing every book you own. You can choose to be optimistic and fight your battles everyday, but happiness, is not a choice as simple as Pinterest inspirational quotes make it out to be. -Maleah Harrison

[maleahharrison]

Cold.

Cold, I'm ready for it. I've grown a little bored of all this heat. I’m not talking about wanting snow, because if you’ve grown up in Oklahoma, you know snow is either ice, or mud slushes. I'm ready for leggings and hoodies, crackling fires and beanies. Halloween, stuffing my face with week old dollar general candy while watching scary movies. Wearing face paint in public without someone looking at me like I've lost my mind. Haunted houses, hay rides. The smell of storage boxes that contain all the holiday decorations, while glitter falls from the fake snow. Warm drinks and mittens, watching the steam rise from my beverage to defrost the tip of my nose. Jumping in orange leaves, and huddling next to friends to keep warm. Wearing long socks and combat boots on top. borrowing other peoples sweaters that reach my knees. Staying in cozy cabins playing card games. The utter certainty that the love of your life could walk in any minute with a scarf around his neck and a coffee in hand like any New York Christmas movie.  The smell of cinnamon and peppermint in every department store. ornaments loosely strung across isles. the warmth of just the idea of christmas, watching the polar express with hot coco in footie pajamas like they did in elementary school. i want to have the happiness of a christmas with the innocence of a 5 year old mind. 

[maleahharrison]

me trying to flirt: so what albums make you cry