&. i realized i had taken to a new habit ( bad , good ? how am i to be certain when everything i'd done 'til now was markedly destructive ). i peeled off the ripe-rotten rind from the scant joys in my life , plucking off halves and quarters from the fleshy core , handing them to the few people i loved. to them i said , " keep these safe. keep them ready. be prepared to feed them to me when i forget what i need to live. " confused they were , of course ; had i not done my work ? had i not found my way ? was the effort not enough ?
no. and it never will be.
their faith in me is humbling , but misguided. for i am desperate , hungry , and a miserable mangy mongrel pulled to the last tethers of their rope. i lean towards their hands , holding those morsels of joy , gagging and choking on the snare of my own apathetic bile , and still ... still i cannot stomach the taste. still i would rather starve than accept that i am hollowed-out and self-neglected of something human and necessary ( what ? more than simply happiness - what ? - more than the comfort of someone's presence - what ? ).
" i don't need to be reminded of anything , least of all life , " the words come , founded on a conviction that digs the grave i was born in.
" i just need to be let alone. "
not if ; when 1. || january 2026.
