[mama-tboy]

i dunno what to do with this blog now that im medicated lmao

[mama-tboy]

its fuckin nuts how after you um like fully develop a brain you just start to like

realize stuff

[mama-tboy]

im so tired but i have to get this out before sleep. ive pretty much moved forward from a lot of fucked things that some people put me through at a time where every single thing was changing for me at once. i still have dark moments of grief but atp im extremely pleased to be planning for the future ill be sharing with my loved ones.

im not ruminating, meltdowns have gone from like 5-10 a month to maybe once, and i have a good grasp on my boundaries. and i really really love and trust the people around me. i dont think i ever knew the feeling of people directly striving to understand me until now. i like the friction that does exist, because i know it will lead to deeper appreciation between us.

im not afraid of the people around me distorting reality, rather creating a collaborative one. and im not afraid of being myself or speaking up. i know its literally bare minimum, but its just so relieving to be treated like an individual and accepting myself as one.

and when I think about the past, i choose to be compassionate, to myself and everyone else. it's easier to do with some, we were young. but even otherwise, i forgive them. because i now know how much was self-defense mechanisms like projection, but mainly because forgiving is what i want to do. i know what it's like to be stuck suffering, to just let things happen to you and identify with victimhood, and im consciously choosing not to be that way anymore. I wish that for them as well.

[mama-tboy]

its fuckin nuts how after you um like fully develop a brain you just start to like

realize stuff

[mama-tboy]

i hate this about myself, but i do ReSeArCh people who hurt me. like maybe if i go through their fb page once every couple of months it'll eventually stop hurting.

it hurts less and less every time, and obviously its the time doing the healing, but i dunno. maybe its helping me humanize them rather than turning them into an object of my trauma.

maybe what really keeps this habit alive is the thought that they've tucked me away into some untouchable, shameful part of their brain. maybe i just want them to acknowledge me as as much of a human as they are.

[daeho388]

would have been interesting if Amanda paid for lux, turned her creativity up to max and then created art to sell, she becomes really proud of the pieces she's made but then gets sued for stealing other people's/riverminds IP

[mama-tboy]

exciting. one episode in and im already seething.

idk what everyone else's take on ep1 is but i cant get over how little say wifey had in every single thing that happened. she wasnt just a victim of this evil predatory pay-to-live company, she was a victim of her own husband.

i guess she was given the choice to take a break from her prescribed suffering, but even then, was it her choice? her husband bought not only the upgrade, but the card too. secretly, against her wishes, against their livelihood, and then hand-fed it to her, only for him to realize he couldn't force their life back to normal-- back to happy. he was just masking her pain.

the only time she truly had a choice the entire episode was when she was finally allowed to die. she stayed alive long enough for him to adjust to a different life. for him to realize it wasn't going to get better. they suffered and mourned their life together, which is devastatingly beautiful to a degree. i just can't imagine doing that to someone i love, with such little research or consideration put behind the decision.

i wasnt longing for his comeuppance by any means, he was also taken advantage of by this company. it was horrific from both perspectives. i just struggled to empathize with him to the same extent for forgoing his wife's autonomy at every turn he could.

i see this ep as an analysis on bodily autonomy, though not only under capitalism, but in the average co-dependent family unit.

[mama-tboy]

fuck fuck fuck i dont even know where to start. im shaking so hard i cant think straight. fuck

ive been avoiding watching baby reindeer bc i know its heavy. i didnt realize how heav.y i just finished ep4 and i have to do something otherwise i might i dunno. throw up?

i didnt know it was this bad. i thought i was ok. i didnt consider that i was so deeply affected but oh my god its like every emotion possible rushed into me all at once. i wanted to hurt myself. i wanted to hurt them. i want so badly to hurt them. i cant believe they live so close to me again i could find them and hurt them worse than they hurt me. ive thought about it before but now i REALLY WANT TO HURT THEM.

how are they allowed to exist so freely after what they did? how do i let everyone know what they did? i dont even care if people think im crazy i just want them to stop.

[mama-tboy]

ok. my partner helped me calm down. its so fucked, i feel like i re-process these things every other week, and yet... maybe im not even processing, im just unnecessarily reliving and rehashing and rewounding without any real release.

[mama-tboy]

fuck fuck fuck i dont even know where to start. im shaking so hard i cant think straight. fuck

ive been avoiding watching baby reindeer bc i know its heavy. i didnt realize how heav.y i just finished ep4 and i have to do something otherwise i might i dunno. throw up?

i didnt know it was this bad. i thought i was ok. i didnt consider that i was so deeply affected but oh my god its like every emotion possible rushed into me all at once. i wanted to hurt myself. i wanted to hurt them. i want so badly to hurt them. i cant believe they live so close to me again i could find them and hurt them worse than they hurt me. ive thought about it before but now i REALLY WANT TO HURT THEM.

how are they allowed to exist so freely after what they did? how do i let everyone know what they did? i dont even care if people think im crazy i just want them to stop.

[mama-tboy]

I hope this isn’t upsetting or a trauma dump but I wanted to let you know that you’re not alone and there are a lot of us who live in a grey area when it comes to trauma and abuse.

I’ve always felt guilty for crying, to the point that when I can’t help but do so, I just can’t emote. I go completely blank. That’s a result of my family belittling me. My aunt and cousins would come up with nicknames and jokes around the fact that I cried. Literally just a regular human reaction. And because this wasn’t a big explosive dramatic event, I didn’t realize how much that affected me until well into adulthood. It’s taken years of my adulthood to break down how my family scarred me.

I’m not telling you this to ask for sympathy, but to give you a little outsider insight on how much the people we grow up around mold our brains. Your family did that to you, and it’s ok to be angry, to mourn a life without their cruelty. The fact that you recognize it is an extremely important step in undoing their damage.

Anyway, thanks for reading. Please know that you are loved and heard. 💝

wauw my first anon.... thank you sm for your kind words :') my family is really really similar, my cousins were basically my siblings except our home lives were completely separate, and the shit they experienced at home was brought back to me and my sister. they were my first bullies. being the youngest i always had this weird expectation to be the "normal" one or the "ok" one. none of us were ever ok tho. so yeah i was always expected to just grin & bear it.

im just thankful i had my grandma to tell me it was ok to cry. if it werent for her i think i wouldve exploded atp. i hope you find some form of release in your life lovely anon<3

[mama-tboy]

just watched this video

thinkin a lot about when i cut off my dad. i was 12 and my parent's were in the middle of getting divorced. theres a lot of shame that comes along with that.

what fucked me up was that it was entirely directed at my mom, who had just found out she was being cheated on. IM the one who found out and told her. yet everyone on my dad's side didnt even consider mine or my sisters perspectives. they just said "well, it takes two to build a good relationship." they knew him as the baby brother, of course they werent going to vilify him. but the way they treated my mom obviously directly impacted our relationship with them.

and like, i get their criticism to a point. when i think about it, i dont think i would have cut my dad off so early in my life if my mom hadnt used me as a venting outlet from a young age. thats followed me my whole life. someone i love doesnt like a person? person is dead to me. and its not like i want my dad in my life. i genuinely dont think hes a good person. he wasnt a good parent before i cut him off. but if i had a chance to give HIM a chance, would it have made a difference?

ive always felt so old. when people talk about parentified children, children of neglect, just victims of disfunctional families in general, i have no idea where i fit in. i just know theres something im missing.

[mama-tboy]

as ive been watching these first three episodes i cant get over the closeness i feel to Natalia. i mean literally. i was 13 when she was adopted, just half a year older than Jacob Barnett, and lived TWENTY MINUTES from them. everything just feels so familiar, like of course this all happened in central Indy.

i have known many individuals like Kristine and Michael Barnett, and i think people would be surprised at how common situations like Natalia's are. disabled people are regularly taken advantage of, almost entirely due to the systems that have been set in place.

i think that's what kills me the most, is that Kristine's mindset is like, by american design. individualism + shitty education + fickle trust in unreliable, predatory bureaucratic systems + evangelicalism (+ so much more its hard to even break down where everything went wrong). she, and therefore anyone even slightly less privileged, are set up for failure.

[mama-tboy]

surprise, the true crime dramatization is over-occupied with The Hook rather than presenting the victim's perspective!!

[mama-tboy]

like.. i get it. theyre setting up this dichotomy of perspectives with these unreliable narrators, making them at least a little empathetic. we're two eps in already tho, can we just get to the part where this actress portraying a disabled, traumatized 7yr old doesnt have to act like a demon from hell?

[mama-tboy]

surprise, the true crime dramatization is over-occupied with The Hook rather than presenting the victim's perspective!!

[mama-tboy]

before my roommate assaulted me, when things were progressiviley getting worse and i was preparing to leave, i vented to a mutual friend. i told them that if they were going to stay in their life, that's their prerogative and i dont expect people to just cut them off. because everyone needs support.

i felt this way even after. the only thing that changed was that i had to prioritize who i let into my life, and i had hoped people would take the side of, yknow, anti-violence. yet many people believed this outright abusive person over me. most didnt even attempt to get my side, they just took the lies and ran. one in particular messaged my best friend, who was the one to pull my roommate off of me, telling him he was delusional for choosing me.

those people didnt care about what happened, though. really what they cared about, i found, was that they now had what they felt was a substantial reason to dislike me. something other than their unexplained feelings of discomfort around me, an autistic person. whatever insecurities arose just by being in my presence, they could now say "i knew it".

[mama-tboy]

speaking of my abuser & victim blaming

one time they just kinda said to the ceiling "it's hard being the smartest person in the room"

i was the only other person in the room

and honestly im gonna give that to them bc the fact that i didnt leave right then is pretty fuckin stupid

[mama-tboy]

i dunno if its the autism or what but i spent a LOT of my life being hypersexual (thinking that was the only thing i could provide anyone) until like last year when i totally flipped and started to feel no interest whatsoever. genuinely unnerving feeling.

[mama-tboy]

im not sure who to follow yet on this new blog so ive just been scrollint thru my for you and hey. why am i already getting ocd content how did they clock me so fast