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I finally had a moment to sit and do a little vipassana mediation and that is the closest I get to God and I missed this.

It's been years seriously y'all...

Paleo turkey burgers topped with guac, bacon, and Paleo spicy mayo! I had mine with sides of carrot and kimchi.

#paleo #Paleo food #paleoblr

#mental health

“I am strong, and worthy.”

This morning’s Kimchi egg and veggie scramble :) Off Paleo for lunch and dinner, using up some bread and pasta I have left because that gotten free shit is expensive and I can’t just throw food away on my budget.

✔️ did my yoga tho 😘

I had a really great therapy session Monday evening. They called me to come take over a cancelled spot since it was a three weeks gap before I’d see her again. We talked about the heavy anxiety again, discussed how I over clean and internalize all nitpicking about my home from my parents coming over. Talked about the negative language I really to myself in. I don’t say good things to myself.

We did a little exercise where I held out my strong arm and tried not to let it go down while she pushed on it. It didn’t move much. Then, she had me say “I am weak and unworthy” ten times. I felt a downward pull in my body as I said the words, and an instinctual response thinking “that’s not true”. I then held my arm out and tried to resist her pushing but it went down. Next she had me say “I am strong and worthy” 20 times. I put my arm out, she pushed hard but my arm stayed up. We talked about how in some explanation of physics that is beyond her when we use positive affirmation, we get stronger. She encourages me to start to rewrite the way I speak about myself to myself. I’m working on it. Today I kept trying to remind myself that I am strong and worthy. I try to remind myself I am a good mom. Or that I am creative and don’t need to trash what I’m doing because someone else was being a smart ass.

What the heck, maybe if I start saying “I am 120lbs” it’ll happen! 😂

#mental health #paleo

Dear internet,

Cauliflower is neither rice nor pizza crust. Cauliflower is the worst vegetable. There are a million other ways to get my vitamin C. Stop the madness.

Thanks 😘

#cauliflower #cauliflower rice #cauliflower pizza crust

Cabbage, carrot, mushroom, spring onion, pancetta stir fried in ghee. Marjoram to season. Topped with a fried egg that stuck to the pan 😐 oh well.

I've opted to go back on Paleo. It works, it works rather quickly for me, it has less rules than most, and the do eats are a bigger list than the do not eat, and I don't have to track. Just a lot of cooking. For the record the, Paleo is a stupidly inaccurate name.

#paleo

Food stuff

I have another week of summer vacation before I return to work, then I don't have students until August 20.

The area I teach in is what you call a food dessert: there are few real grocery stores, and the restaurants that are nearby are fast food. There's a couple taquerias but they take too long for me to go on my usual lunch break. So, I keep a mini fridge with a freezer compartment in my kiln room. There's a counter and sink so it kind of becomes my personal mini kitchen. I have a microwave in there too.

If I do not pack food or bring in some groceries, I'm stuck getting little Cesar's or Burger King for lunch. Frankly there was a lot of that last spring... I think that's what triggered the gallbladder attacks and I had a lot of inflammation and ibs type symptoms.

I think this week I am going to make a bunch of whole food meals to freeze and take with me so I'm ahead on my lunches. During the school year it's hard to get my kids ready for daycare, myself ready for work, and have time to do a healthy breakfast and pack lunch. I typically eat breakfast and lunch at the school.

I'm still on the fence about diets. I need to lose weight but I already found earlier this summer it was triggering a lot of stress. This is why I'm leaving towards just focusing on whole food rather than processed food. I need less rules, less to think about, or I'll overthink it to death.

More like an hour actually, I forgot to end the walk because we came across my new neighbors across the street and were chatting.

Stage 1: “I want to walk with Mommy!!” Walking through neighborhood holding my 3 year old’s hand. It's painful how show this went. Stage 2: “I want my wagon 😭” ok we walk back to get the damn wagon. Stage 3: able to go normal speed but dragging the boy in his wagon. walk up to the park, intended to go to the fire station but there were kids so I took a rest while he played for 15 minutes with other kids. My boy is very extroverted. Stage 4: finally walking home. Meet neighbors. Weed garden and water the patch of grass that’s getting browned by the sun.

If I could just shake off fear of imperfections and failure for like 5 seconds...

wilwheaton

“Facebook’s degenerate corporate culture and, specifically, its uses of data which may be technically legal (or were) but can’t withstand public scrutiny are at the heart of its business model.”

— Today’s Facebook Stock Drop Is Only the Beginning

mamaredpanda-blog

I left Facebook, full deletion, back in late June and I have no regrets. Not even as an artist needing networking. Insta and Ello is fine. I know insta is part of Facebook but I don't get as overwhelmed by the people on it like I did on Facebook.

#delete facebook

Unraveling things

Progress with my psychiatrist: I suffer from a lot of anxiety and it mostly manifests through severe perfectionism and I can't follow through on projects when they stop doing exactly as I planned.

#mental health

Body dismorphia thoughts

*clicks ad for Adore Me thinking it might be nice to have nice matching underwear* *sees perfect models in nice lingerie*

"I should lose weight first, it'd be a waste to buy nice things now."

#mental health

Lentil soup in instant pot. Came out very nice! The butter chicken the other night was wonky getting made, it boiled in saute rather than coming to pressure because some chicken burnt to the bottom of the pan but on a good note it cleaned up really easily! The cookbook for butter chicken was weird, so now I’m working my way through an Indian cookbook because it’s a lot of meatless healthy meals. Not going vegetarian just trying to eat healthier because I’m a southern girl and everything I know how to really cook is like fried, carbs, cheesy, comfort food. 🤷

I’m starting to get rid of the soreness from that night I did the running. Surgery recovery is a ho making me slow down. 😑

Instant pot butter chicken. Contains little butter 🤷

22 years of diet experience.

I've been on one diet or another since I was 12 and had very little variation in my size over the years. I wish I hadn't done that. I wish I spent less time worrying about my size and other people's opinion and more time appreciating my other virtues, my friends, focus on my interests. I think I'd have been a lot happier.

madamethursday

When people get terrified or outraged at the idea of “glorifying obesity”, I always wonder what it is they’re afraid is going to happen.

Do they think that all the sudden people who were thin are going rush out to pack on the pounds, or that across the country school kids will be fixated on fat and compete amongst each other to see who can become the fattest, that it’ll show up on the 6 o’ clock news as the latest alarming trend in our nation’s youth?

I mean, do they think that if people see pictures of fat folks looking nice and smiling and being happy and not hating their bodies that everyone who was about to eat a salad is gonna toss it out in favor a cheeseburger (even the vegans!) and cancel their gym memberships?

Are they scared that a $20 billion dollar weight gain industry is gonna crop up and magazines are going to talk about “packing on those last fifteen pounds before summer”. Do they think suddenly there’s gonna be a flood of ads saying, “Gain belly fat using this one weird old tip” on people’s computer screens?

Do these people think positively presented fat bodies are so powerful and persuasive that it will convince thin people to utterly abandon thinness and dedicate themselves to getting as big as they can?

Or are they upset that people who were already fat will go around continuing to be fat without being punished for existing. Perhaps what they fear is that if we “glorify” obesity, that fat hate will make less and less sense to the world in general and that eventually, weight will become a neutral property. Thinness won’t be so valued that it can sustain industries, nor held as the perfect way to have a body but be seen as one among many valid body types.

Maybe, even worse, all this glorification will lead to the idea that all bodies are valid and that bodies are never anything to be ashamed of or shame someone for.

peachysuggest

you are important and special and loved even when your mind tells you you’re not

mamaredpanda-blog

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