A Man Trapped in a Woman's Voice

For as long as I can remember, people have always confused me for a girl. I don't have a particularly feminine voice or look, but it just keeps happening. Most people don't believe me when I tell them that it happens quite often. This blog seeks to serve as a means of sharing these happenings and perhaps they will seem more funny than sad.

[manwithaladyvoice]

#318

Me: Healing ____ ______ Center, this is Matt. How may I help you?

Man: Whuu.. uh.. what’s the name of this facility?

Me: Healing ___ _____ Center.  How may I help you?

Man: Uhhh thanks, ma’am.  Bye.

[manwithaladyvoice]

#317

This one is a little old by now.

Me: Good Afternoon, _____________ Hospital,  how can I help you? Man: Yes, ma'am, can you transfer me to the nurse's station. Me: Absolutely.

[manwithaladyvoice]

#316

This girl perfected the apathetic voice of today’s youth, and I hate her guts.

Me: So you want to make that appointment for 10:00?

Her: Uh, yeah (as if that was such a dumb thing to ask)

Me: Ok, at that time, I have Craig available. Have you been here before?

Her: Uh, yeah (as if that was such a dumb thing to ask)

Me: Ok, what’s your first name?

Her: Orit.

Me: And your last name?

Her: __________ (acting as if that was such a dumb thing to ask)

Me: Ok, so you’re all set for your appointment.

Her: Thanks, ma’am (bored)

[manwithaladyvoice]

#315

You know those companies trying to sell you google ad space or whatever? I get about 2-3 calls about them a day.  I lost patience when this happened.

Me: How may I help you?

Woman: Hi, may I please speak with the owner.

Me: He isn’t here today, what can I do for you?

Woman: Well, the reason for my call today, ma’am, is did you know with just a little help to your google profile account blah blah blah...

Me: I’m sorry, but he isn’t going to be interested in that, bye.

[manwithaladyvoice]

#314

Idiot.

Me: That therapist doesn't have anything available until 3:00. Do you want to come at that time? Edward: So I can come at 3? Me: Yes, do you want me to schedule that? Edward: Yes ma'am.  

[manwithaladyvoice]

#313

Sometimes people rub you wrong right off the bat with their tone or their voice.  This guy did just that.  He was being really condescending, sarcastic, and rude.  I wanted to be done with him asap.Me: I've got your chart right here. Are you still at xxx-xxx-xxxx? Ryan: Yes, ma'am. Me: (This is when I skipped all pleasantries, excitement at his patrongage) We will see you at 11:45. Ryan: Ok, great.

[manwithaladyvoice]

#312

Me: What time would you like to come in for the appointment: morning, afternoon, or evening? Guy: In the evening, ma'am. 

[manwithaladyvoice]

#311

This woman was a telemarketer, and even though I could not decipher most of what she was saying, she still managed to audibly assault me (which is an appropriate theme for this post, eh??)

Lady: I'm calling from adakjvalsldkjf adfjalskjdf kadkjf and kaslk dklkj, ma'am.  Can I speak with the person who does auditing and fad dfdkalj kj?

Me: We don’t have anyone in our office who does that.

And just in case you didn’t get enough:

[manwithaladyvoice]

#310 Hello, California

After spending some time moving, settling in, finding a job, and getting used to a new climate, the adventures started again.  I do think this will happen less frequently.  Maybe it helps that less people call from the busy streets of NYC or maybe the phone is just a better quality, but you can’t keep a good woman down.

Me: Hello, may I please speak with Al Al: This is Al. Me: Hi Al, this is Matt from Healing _____, I was just calling to confirm your appointment for tomorrow at 3:00. Al: Oh yeah, is this Joan? (We don't have a Joan on staff) Me: No, this is Matt. Will we see you tomorrow? Al: I'll see you at 3

[manwithaladyvoice]

#309

Some people are so frazzled that they can’t seem to commit to anything.

After changing around her appointment three times, I got irritated with this woman.  I had other patients I needed to tend to, so I finally said this...

Me: So you would like to keep the Friday appointment.

Woman: Yes, ma'am.  Uhhh, Thursday. No, Friday. 

Since I hated her, I thought this might cheer us all up.

Just to mark the end of an era, this last one happened September 24, 2014.  It would be the last recorded incident before I left this job and moved to Los Angeles.  There’s still other encounters I’ve never shared so I’ll update with those stories.

[manwithaladyvoice]

#308

In New York, you often come across patients who speak English as a second language.  Spanish seems to be the second most prominent language in the city, and that often times means patients will use words that I wouldn’t or worse, that I’m not really comfortable hearing.  Much like people having aversions to words like “moist,” “secrete,” or “slurp,” I have a dislike for when people use “mami“ and “papi”.  I recognize that it’s a cultural difference and a term of endearment.  I still don’t like it. 

Usually when someone calls me one of those, it’s a Hispanic man who thinks I’m a lady and is just trying to be charming or make my day better (weird and it does not).  But this particular time, it was a lady from another physician’s office calling our remote location.  One of my co-workers was too busy (lazy) to help, so i got on the phone to tell her how to get ahold of our office. Here’s what was said.

Me: The telephone number to reach that office is 212-***-****.

Woman: from Doctor's Office: Thank you very much, mami.

[manwithaladyvoice]

#306, 307  Dummy and I have a Misunderstanding

Me: How may I help you?

Woman: Yes, ma'am.  I want to see when my appointment is.

Me: What's your name?

Woman: ______ Cooper.

Me: (I look for appointment and can't find it). Miss Cooper, what is your date of birth?

Woman: (Miss Cooper mumbles what sounds like a month and day).

Me: I'm sorry, did you say FORTY seven?

Woman: Yes, ma'am.

Apparently there are those out there born in the 40th month of every year.  Perhaps she is British and she is doing it backwards from how we do it in America.  But that would make her born on the 40th day of said month soooooo that can’t be right.  Obviously, she was just telling me how old she is, but that’s not as easy to look up as say a phone number or birth date. 

[manwithaladyvoice]

#305

An old man called the office to make an appointment, for which I scheduled that same day.  Here was our exchange.

Me: We will see  you in one hour.

Enthusiastic Old Man: Thank you very much, LADY!

[manwithaladyvoice]

My blog turned 3 today.

[manwithaladyvoice]

#303, 304

Most of the time, I try to be as helpful and detailed as I can. It makes my job easier, it makes your life easier, and the chances of you being a jerk are narrowed.  Some people are just too stupid to live though. 

After 5 years on the job, I’ve picked up on a lot of things I hear the doctor say about people’s conditions.  The #1 surgery in America happens to be Carpal Tunnel Repair, and we do probably 5-10 of them a week. Let’s not pretend there isn’t a wealth of easily google-able info about this online....

Man: Good morning, ma'am.

Me: Hello, how may I help you?

(The gentleman then proceeds to tell me about his carpal tunnel syndrome, I try to explain what I know about cause, symptoms, treatment, surgery, recovery, etc.)

Man: I have no point of reference, ma'am. I don't know what is happening to me.

I make an appointment for the patient, knowingly having wasted several minutes of my life on a moron.

[manwithaladyvoice]

#302

This is the type of friendly/annoying person that calls the office all the time.  A+ for kindness, C- for listening.  This lady had an outrageously thick southern accent. (p.s. anytime someone pauses a movie or takes a picture where the subject is half-blinking, I will laugh at it.)

Woman: Who handles all your medical records?

Me: Our medical records department is out for vacation this week, but if you would like to fax a request, we can try and take care of that for you.

Woman: Ok, I have your face number as XXX-XXX-XXXX, is that correct ma'am?

Me: Yes, you can send that to that number.

Woman: Thank you very much; what is your name?

Me: My name is Matthew.

Woman: Ok, Matthew

[manwithaladyvoice]

#300, 301

July was a milestone of sorts, finally hitting in the 300 club.  Another one of our regulars who I spoke to on a bi-weekly basis and have met in person 4 dozen times over 5 years.

Me: How may I help you?

Samuel: Yes, thank you ma'am.  I got a call from this office about something. My name is Samuel ___________.

Me: Yes, we have an appointment for you tomorrow at 9:15 am.  We were just calling to confirm that appointment.

Samuel: Yes, I will be there. Thank you, ma'am.