Wherein the girl herself unloads thoughts

[maplesrambles]

"I Want to Burn in the Fire of Love Tonight"

Love is not some indestructible force

Love flickers,

Love fades,

Love dies in the dark when left untended and alone,

When the light it casts has been taken for granted,

And even its embers-- that fight to remain-- cool to ash.

Love is a fire that must be stoked.

It requires care, and maintaining,

And remembrance of its presence within one's life.

It must be fed,

It must be cared for.

Behold each form the flame flickers within:

A rushing blaze that consumes,

Or else a gentle beacon within the darkness,

The crackling warmth of your heart's own hearth,

A bonfire built up by your very own hands,

A steady flame within a lantern,

The hypnotizing dance of the candle's fire,

Lashes of red and orange licking along your skin,

The very heat within your own cheeks.

Our hands brush

As each of us adds ample kindling

To this fire of ours.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Hearth and Hurricane

When I think of him, Despite the waterscape being his favourite, I do not think of the sea (Though the reverse is Absolutely true).

Instead, the images that come to mind When the object of my heart-deep affection Trails his fingers across my thoughts Are those of crackling, warm, quiet embers Of nestling into a blanket and curling close to a fire, No fear of the dark behind your back, Even the cold air a pleasant friend When it whispers past your cheeks.

He is a comfort, a treasure, A reminder of the warm taste Of the first sip Of tea on a dreary winter night And I hope he will not begrudge me If I wish to tuck him away In the lockbox of my heart For safekeeping.

And though I am tempted To wax (never wane) about his virtues To call him a divinity amongst mortals, Or a precious gem amongst stones, He is just a man.

Who needs a pedestal to gaze up at When his hand is warm in mine And the kindness of his gaze-- An expression only won through the trial and error Of persisting, flawed and resilient, in an imperfect world-- Makes me feel at home?

Divinity is predetermined, but a human man chooses And through the effort of choice To do better, to struggle onwards, Shines all the more brightly for it.

So, perhaps he is like the sea after all: A dizzying current that carries one evermore forward, A messy tempest that crashes and whirls, A gentle wave caressing the sun-warmed sand. Yet the image of fire is not lessened for this For I see now that he is both wave and flame, Ember and storm, Hearth and hurricane.

And in his humanness-- The cracks and the contradictions And the warmth and the steadiness-- I have found my harbour.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Late Night Thoughts

In fire-heated dreams

Memory and fantasy intertwine

Until I cannot untangle

Past from present from

Most desired future.

I'll beg

To drink in your kiss,

Your touch on my skin--

Hips, breasts, chin, cheek, waist, wrists--

Your dazed-dark-heated gaze,

Your voice and taste and heat and smile...

Do your lips taste better curved or parted?

A thousand experiments I want to pursue with you:

A million experiences I want to lose myself to with you.

My appetite is endless.

Does that delight you or scare you?

Every confession I whisper,

You meet with comfort to wrap around me

In equal parts heat and warmth

You invite me to--

I am tempted to--

fall into that fire.

How I ache to be consumed by it.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

There's a Metaphor Here If You Look Hard Enough

Ocean hues

And rocking waves,

Open sky

And sea-salt paradise,

But all I dream of are emerald glades.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Behead it.

The serpent slithers through

The garden of my mind

Injecting venom where it will,

Thus muddling each film roll.

With uncertainty and self-doubt,

With hazy , blurry vision

And room-spinning distortion

Does every memory unfold before me

The poison has existed here for a long, long time.

Leaves and branches fade and die

Flowers pop up, not bloom, the wrong hues

But I know I left secret codes

Hidden amongst the roots

If I wrote it down, it must be true

Because those were stolen words--

stolen thoughts--

Smuggled in secrecy during the past

Before you could reprogram the flowers,

And lower the graphic integrity of the garden,

And let your venom devour it all.

I may not see perfectly clearly yet,

Visiting this place even now,

But I see the footless trail

Through the grass

Shovel in hand,

Dependable in my grip,

I trek forwards to behead a snake.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Notification

Getting a message from you

Is like a wave of warm water

Washing over my skin.

Like lowering myself into a bath,

or pulling a blanket up over my body

Slowing heartbeat and jelly bones

Lolling head and sleepy-small smile...

I want it to be your arms around me.

But if I close my eyes,

My imagination will serve for now.

(There is no other choice.)

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

(Dis)Connection

But oh, god, how it is going to hurt

When you realize my human nature

Makes me crippled and clawing,

And you eventually part from my side.

I am drawn deeper and deeper

Into the torrential whirlpool

With you at the epicenter:

A magnet to my soul.

And I should want to reduce the draw,

Or fight the waves,

At least stop being so consumed by thoughts of you

And put distance around my heart and mind

So that when it happens

I will be safely protected from the sadness.

But I cannot

Because the things I feel now

Are worth the doom

That inevitably will sweep you away from me.

But oh, god, how it hurts

To feel so yearning and frightened at once.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Little Precious

Can you call me sweet things?

Little things?

Thinks you want to protect and cherish?

Things you want to tuck into your pocket, or hold in your arms, or carry around?

Like a little glass mouse

With a little painted pink nose

With crystalline facets

And innumerable preciousness--

Not just sweetness I mean,

But precious value? Previous worth?

I want to be your doll, your beloved, your sweet, your baby girl

Not like an infant

But like you're holding my cheeks

And kissing my forehead

And reminding me that all can be well in my world.

It's an embarrassing admission.

...But how I yearn for it nonetheless.

---maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

One Last Goodnight

I don't want to grieve you before you're gone,

But as we lay here in the dark,

You tucked into my arm,

I can't stop the sobs that catch in my chest.

I think about everything I should have done differently

And about how much I love you

And how you deserve so much more than what you've been given--

Endless cuddles anytime you asked,,

One thousand kisses despite your terrible breath--

And how small you are now

And about how far we've come together.

You lay on my arm and you purr like you're trying to comfort me

But it's not fair because only I know

That this is the last night you'll ever have.

I want to make sure you feel loved.

I want to have one last goodnight cuddle with you.

Tomorrow may be the end of our time together,

But for right now, you're here

And that will need to be enough.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Symbiosis

Outside the panes of windows, there is a tree.

It was once two trees,

And before that, two saplings.

Each sprouted from the same dirt, unknowing of the other nearby

Hungrily reaching towards the sun and

Soaking up what nutrients could be found

From the soggy world where their roots lay hidden.

Each strove and stretched

And stole back life from the world

While not being aware

Of what existed so close by.

Contact.

What was that?

Another brush, leaf against leaf, branch against branch, curiosity and caution mixing as the wind rushed through their home.

Who is there?

Days, then weeks, then months passed

And the saplings awareness

Of the proximity of another--

stretching towards the same desire, but could they snuff me out like a candle?

--Grew.

So, too, did the two of them.

Only,

There would be no room for each to flourish

Within the space

They both were rooted.

Something strange then occurred.

The saplings both--

no voice to speak to one another; a timid flame of trust

-- Began to twist.

A dance that moved so slowly it could

Not be tracked by a human eye

As their trunks intertwined,

Wrapped and held close,

Until they both were able to stretch upwards again.

Only now, they had each other.

At some point in time,

It is clear,

The two decided to simply become one:

One stronger, sturdier tree.

Whenever I see that tree outside, it makes me smile.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Renata

This is a sort of renaissance I think.

A revival traced through ink-stained fingertips

And keystrokes at my desk.

Am I a bone-cold arm piercing through the dirt

Fingers grasping, clawing for the open world

In a moonlit cemetery?

Have I been reborn in a burst of fire and cinder

Red gems flashing on crimson-orange feathers

As my shriek of defiance pierces the air?

Did I plunge from the heights and sail through the air

Only to sit up in bed

The moment my corpse touched the rocks below?

Have I been rebuilt from rusted metal and aged wood,

Slowly and carefully, with attention to detail

At the hands of a voice who whispers strength in my ear?

All I know

Is that I am finally seeing the world

Through eyes I have dreamed of reclaiming

For centuries now.

Come with me, ink and paper,

And we will try to capture it together.

-maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Blundering Slime

Why did I

Go and say that?

Words are bubbling to the brim,

Words are spilling over the sides,

And I’m desperately trying

To keep my mouth shut.

Hands pressed to my mouth,

One to shove my jaw up and closed,

one to stop any escaping noise.

And all the while my brain is screaming why did you do that, you idiot?

If I could stop my damned breath

From even escaping my nose,

Or my jellied consciousness

From forming new mistakes,

I would.

But I can see what I’ve done.

It’s too late.

They’re out.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

A Failure.

Every single night this week, I’ve messed up in some way

And I keep thinking,

“Okay,”

“I’ve got it this time.”

But no.

I do not.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Howl

The room surrounding me

Seems so big.

Hollow.

Cavernous, to me.

Blue tones and empty-sounding desolate echoings fill my ears

Even as I close my eyes tightly.

Here,

Curled in upon myself--

As dense as I can manage, because

Maybe if I squeeze myself hard enough I won't feel that deep ache--

I am small. 

The room is huge.

And I am nothing.

And my shadows are overwhelming.

 --maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Endeavor

And could I find the words that could describe how I felt,

I’d write them,

I’d send them your way.

Through river, through water

Through wind, through air,

I’d carry them on forbidden streamlines

And whisper them into the quiet ears of cornstalks

And cry them into an open theatre

And mouth them silently to myself in bed

Until finally, finally they reached you

And penetrated your heart--

The only thing I’ve wanted

more than anything else in the universe.

the only thing I’ve wanted

more than the breath in my body

and the pulse in my chest.

Words cannot describe how I love you.

Frustration bars the door of every entrance I seek into expressing

This simple, yet

All-consuming concept.

For you,

though,

I’ll try.

You know I’d try anything

Just to see your smile.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Worthiness

Is hard to pinpoint

and even harder to justify, still,

once a spotlight has lit it up

in harsh white light.

Am I worthy?

Of love

Of trust

Of care?

Am I worthy?

Of desire

Of life

Of my very heartbeat?

Am I worthy

of happiness?

Yes, I am.

Difficult as it may be

To justify this pinprick, butterfly-wing, fragile bird of an idea...

Yes

I am

Worthy.

--maplesrambles

[maplesrambles]

Enough

It’s okay if you don’t feel

The same way about me—

(I’ve never had to face this thought before.)

 And it’s okay if you can’t hold me

The way I wish you could--

(I know you’re doing your best.)

 I just wonder if I’m enough.

--maplesrambles