hdg really do be dangerous sometimes because I Admit that there's like.
a part of me that can't ever be "fixed" by "taking breaks" because like. fundamentally, it doesn't want a "break". it's not just "burnt out" at this point.
it wants permission to just permanently give up and go back to being a coddled child forever.
it wants Mommy to tell it "wow, you tried so hard, but it's okay to give up and never have to have big hard responsibilities ever again. it's cute that you're pathetic and needy and will never grow up.", even knowing that this means surrendering agency, because like. frankly, the ability to wield what society defines as 'agency' has never felt particularly 'real' or 'satisfying' to it anyway.
it's always just felt like performing what everyone calls 'agency', but really just means 'doing whatever you're supposed to want, and whatever 'looks right', while being constantly uncomfortable and worn out the entire time, even while supposedly being 'true to yourself' or doing things 'for yourself', because even these things are being done according to certain external expectations of what's palatable, and what that's supposed to acceptably mean'.
So like, the irony is that normal life has actually been way worse about choice being a total illusion than people criticize the affini for.
Because even if you want to rebel and do things 'your way', and supposedly 'take control' of your life, there are certain unofficial 'good' ways you're 'supposed' to do that, which still involve suppositions that often just feel ableist and exhausting and still reinforce this overarching idea that the solution is always to "try harder" and "cope better" and to still ultimately be playing along and "keeping up" in a myriad of thankless, soul-eating ways.
And there's a certain part of me that's like, whenever people go "but not everyone wants to just give up and be like a child or a pet, that's why the affini are bad!", I just think
"Yeah, but basically everything else is always about and always catered to people like you".
Practically everything else basically worships a certain idea of agency, where it constantly chases this idea that if you Just Try Hard Enough things Work Out, to the point that even when media tries to be like "you need to relax and recover" there's STILL a certain "way" this is supposed to look, there's STILL a certain "protocol" for how to be a Successful Rester, and you're always STILL supposed to go back to The Grind, or Else you're stupid and lazy and useless.
Opting out is never ever actually an option, you're always supposed to just adjust or adapt or find some kind of "compromise", you're always supposed to just find some New Acceptable and Palatable Way to Keep Going and Keep Trying, and you always have to suck it up and act grateful by the end, no matter how miserable this process actually is.
tangentwithtanner
jbbartram-illu
dailybridgerton
blakekathryn
titsay
kaledo-art
