We all have things weād rather keep inside, like lost hopes and dreams, fears of the unknown, childhood trauma and insecurities. I have found over a trial of a year, that these things are usually what we need to come out in order to coexists within thyself. It can be a struggle to overcome these thoughts and overwhelming emotions, but it is vital for your self confidence and ability to feel peace of mind. Though I know this concept now, before college I had no clue that my past childhood trauma was an underlying reason of my self destructive behaviors to come my first year of freedom.
Growing up for me looked a lot different from my peers. I can recall a time in fourth grade when a group of my friends conversed about how one would be redecorating their room that weekend. I heard a variety of different color patterns and new bed frames she had been thinking aboutā. I obviously weighed in on my opinion, but took a lot for me to process what I had heard..
I grew up with a mom and dad who were caught up in a dangerous lifestyle. My dad ultimately had no real options after being in and out of jail since the age of 18. My mom had a decent job and sustained us for a while, but eventually lost it when I was about 5, and my little brother Aaron was 4. It began a downward spiral for my family structure. My mom and dad were eager and turned to selling drugs for survival. At the time of my conversation, I had been living in motel rooms for the past 3 years. It was my norm. Within my norm, I saw a lot of tragedy at a young age. Poverty, drug and alcohol abuse, gang violence, abusive relationships, and prostitution are a small list of things I saw by then. I was not able to comprehend the idea of having your OWN room, and the ability to decorate it as you please, but that was Skylarās norm. I was stripped from my innocence and throughout the years showed a lot of signs of childhood depression but I never knew, and my mom never saw it.
I was placed into foster care 2 separate times by high school and was living with my nana. She took us in, when my mom was in recovery. My dad was not able to keep us because he lived off of his social security checks and knew it was not sustainable to raise two preteens. Living with our nana gave us a new norm, a sense of a family with structure. I was always able to utilize school as a positive relief to my difficult life. Throughout my time at my grandmaās, I found myself extremely depressed. I use to cut myself when I would be too overwhelmed with my emotions, this lead to suicidal thoughts and attempts. Thankfully, I was unsuccessful, but the pain and agony I endured within myself was detrimental. Due to the neglect of my emotional well being, while I was young left me a wreck as I grew up. My family didnāt catch onto my harmful behavior and I never talked about how I felt with anyone. I was damaged and felt like I could never be whole again. My depression continued throughout high school, but I wasnāt as self destructive like previous years. I strived for greatness throughout high school. I had a close knit friend group. I had found a home in school and excelled academically, which helped fill my emptiness. I had one goal: Go to a college as far away from home as possible...
There is this saying,āwork hard party harder,ā and it was my motto freshman year of college. Being exposed to the new college life was a thrilling experience for me. I was amused with the raging frat parties and new experiences the dorm life brought. I got through fall and winter quarter successfully,but by spring I was exhausted. I would go back home to southern California to visit my sick dad who had poor heart health. I became extremely homesick and just wanted to be in southern California. Partying became a huge distraction for me. Gradually, I found myself neglecting my school work, and not caring about why I decided to move 400+ miles away from home, for my EDUCATION. My priorities were lost in all of the hype and stress of college life. I failed to realized at the time I was using the party scene as a coping method from my childhood trauma and new life. This carefree mindset lead me down a destructive path. Losing focus of my goals and not caring brought a lot of problems in the end. I ended up being dismissed from my dream school, after putting in tons of Ā hard work and dedication to get there. I was disgruntled by the upsetting event, but knew Iād have to persevere. Ā Through this intense learning process, I found that being goal oriented with a positive and determined mindset about life, you can vanquish anything. You must push yourself to your limits and pursue to overcome all obstacles, to be gifted with a brighter future.
As I headed back to Oxnard, CA for summer after freshman year, I left school and all of my stress in Davis. I embraced the stress-free feeling, and saw it became the most destructive summer yet. I will be honest, summer 2016 exaggerated the toxic behavior I had already accumulated from being away at college. I constantly partied Ā and was being mischievous. I remember receiving a call from a lady named Maisha, Ā warning me that I would be on Academic Probation for the upcoming fall quarter due to my poor performance during spring. I was extremely worried after hanging up and was eager to change my career goal.
I canāt lie, my interest in food science was never a passion. It sounded cool at first and I took a food chemistry class in highschool that sparked my enthusiasm initially. I didnāt know what I really wanted from this career, but went with it anyway. Reflecting on my freshman year experiences, I realized I was not good at hard sciences. They were extremely difficult in college compared to high school, and knew if I wanted to stay at University of California, Davis, I would need to make changes. Ā I knew Iāve always wanted to help others, growing up. As I searched for a new major, I was certain I would stay in the Agriculture industry, giving my previous background. Iāve loved the kitchen since i was a young child, baking and watching my father cook on occasions sparked my earliest interests in food. Moving into high school, I joined the Culinary Arts Academy, where I evolved my basic knowledge to professional skills. I was even able to win a baking competition and was on the front page of the local newspaper. I brainstormed ideas of what could be a new possibility and stumbled upon International Agricultural Development (IAD). I fell in love with the core concepts of the major and was eager to explore more, once I returned in the fall.
I moved into my first apartment at the end of summer and also started a new job at the beginning of fall quarter at the Student Community Center as an Event Staff. This was the first time I was expected to pay rent, my car and other bills on my own. It was a huge adjustment from having a job in highschool than in college. I had to manage a full course load plus work under the pressures of my fall quarter contract. I was stressed out, but I had faithfully left the destructive party scene after returning fall quarter. My mind and focus was on working, then school. I needed to get hours in order to stay in my apartment. Money is scarce and my family is not in the position to help me financially. They help when they can, but I canāt rely on them for much. I was drained from school and working constantly. I had started working out as a new stress reliever, replacing Ā my ridiculous partying habits. I found to love the gym and the feeling it gave me. I have always been overweight since I was a child, so working out helped me gain confidence in myself. As my self esteem rose, I found myself becoming more motivativated and feeling better mentally. My new regimen of working out and eating better was working! I started losing weight and could see the beginning of a new me. I was doing my best in school, but was still struggling with coursework. It felt like I had a huge weight on my shoulder, and didnāt have time to breathe. It came to end of fall quarter and I knew at the end I had lost all momentum. I gave my ābestā work, though now I believe I could have done better. I received my grades one by one over winter break and was disappointed. I had missed my contract agreement of a 2.0 GPA by -.03, and received a 1.97.I was uncertain about my future at Davis at that point, but tried to stay optimistic going into winter quarter.
I was anxious once I received an email saying I needed to meet with a dean about my contract. I was terrified at that point, but knew I couldnāt avoid the situation. I set up my appointment and hoped for the best. I went into Mrak Hall hopeful, but prepared for the worst. I didnāt know being dismissed would feel much worse than what I had initially prepared myself for. Hearing I was dismissed from dean Brad Hurton, was a heart aching experience Iāll never forget. That exact moment broke me, but also gave me the opportunity to build a new sense of self.
I was more than devastated after the meeting. I could barely talk without bursting into tears, my head was spinning and I felt like my life was over. I was mad at the world, and was certain Iād be heading home. At the time, I was full of rage and said I would never return to Davis. I called my best friend since 6th grade to confide in her. She brought me comfort and said she would support any decision I made. I appreciated her words, but still felt lost. I then called my dad. I struggled to even get the words out of my mouth, I did not want to disappoint him. He could hardly understand me, but knew something was wrong. I was able to get the words out after crying for a few minutes on the phone to him. He ensured me that I would be okay, and wasnāt upset at me. He did not agree with my desire to go home after being dismissed. He suggested that I stay in Davis, and do what I had to in order to eventually graduate from UCD. He always pushed me to do better than yesterday and made me feel confident in my abilities. Ā I didnāt agree with him at the time, but kept it in mind. The next day or two I was severely depressed. I couldnāt bare to get out of bed or even talk to others. I felt extremely disappointed in myself and didnāt have a plan B. I knew being moppy and depressed would only escalate my current situation, so I found the strength within to make a plan for myself. Talking with Brad, he mentioned steps I would need to take to return, so I followed up with these plans. I went to meet with the IAD advisor, and set up arrangements to attend Woodland Community College (WCC).
I enrolled at WCC for the spring semester to fulfil my requirements of my contract to return to UCD. I was still very upset about the ordeal but knew I had to push myself to get through this rough time. I adapted new study habits at WCC and grew to enjoy school again. I adopted the library as a new second home. I spent times between and before classes there, studying or doing homework. I also became more organized by setting self deadlines, utilizing a planner religiously and extracting all distractions (ie: my phone) during classes. These strategies helped me become more focused and through with my studies. My confidence in the classroom grew as I soared through class work and was at the top of the majority of my classes. It was rewarding and pleasing to see myself accel again. I knew I could use my new study skills at Davis to ensure Iād never be in the same situation again. At the end of Spring semester I received a 3.8 GPA. I was ecstatic and proud of my accomplishments! I was eager to return to UCD and practice all of my new skills and lifestyle choices.
During the summer, I found out due to my financial state, I would not be starting in the fall. I decided to take on an additional job to save for my debt. I worked from June-December constantly. I hardly took breaks from my jobs and stayed in Davis, even though it was summer time. I felt good at this point in time. I had overcome one of the hardest struggles Iāve ever had to face away from home. I did exceptionally well during my academic leave from UCD at WCC, and was confident Iād return with vengeance. Physically, I had never felt better about myself. I had lost about 50 lbs and saw a new and improved self. My physical transformation correlated with my mental progression. I have become stronger, empowered and diligent, not only academically but also with myself.
As I thought Iād been clear from another tragedy in 2017, Ā I was wrong. I found out after working all day, on November 17, that my dad had passed away from heart failure. I was in disbelief and a reck after hearing the news. Like mentioned earlier, I had been dealing with my dads poor health for some years by now and it was unclear how long he had. Some days he would be feeling like a new man, and others heād wind up in the hospital for days. It was a bumpy road, and my dad knew this. He had āthe talkā with me a few months prior to his death. It wasnāt about the birds and the beeās, but what I should expect when heās gone. It was a difficult conversation to have with someone I wanted to stay around forever. His supportive words then, help me to this day to cope with my loss of him. He clearly stated he wanted me to get back into University of California, Davis and graduate. He encouraged me that I could get through anything if I set my mind to it. Hes reassured my strength and admirable leadership skills that can take me as far as I allow myself. At the time, I didnāt take these words to heart, but now everyday they recollect in my mind. I miss him like crazy and only want to make him proud. I was never able to tell him I was starting school at UCD again, but hope heās watching me from above.
As I anticipated the start of Winter quarter, I was still trying to cope with my dadās death and embrace for my even more hectic life. I currently am taking 16 units, with 3 part time jobs. I still work at the SCC on campus. I have stayed persistent and was promoted to Student Manager recently, deliver pizza for Cenarioās and began my newest job at KFC as a crew member in January. My life right now is intense, I hardly sleep and am always busy with work or school. Though my life is hectic, I have been utilizing my adopted skill sets. Theyāve improved my time management skills, study skills and have helped me cope with my dadās death. Staying active at the gym has relieved a lot of stress Iāve been feeling. I continue to stay on top of my schedule and priorities to keep a peace of mind and Ā not get behind, which adds more stress and anxiety on me. Working three jobs and taking 16 units on the quarter system is a lot on my plate, but iām managing well. Comparing myself from then to now, I would have never been able to feel this confident with this busy of a schedule. I commend myself for my strength and diligence in 2018. I know if I continue on this new and improved pathway of life, I will succeed.
Analyzing a year ago to now, I am a new and improved woman. My newest motto to live by is āhard work pays off,ā I can say that 2017 was a year that completely broke me down. In the midst of my breakdown, I found it in me to recover in the process. Being in a financial hole, kicked out of school and having the death of my dad throughout a span of a year was crazy, and I am still dealing with the after effects. I felt like the bad news would never end, but kept a positive outlook and continued to stay focused on my goals. Staying organized while utilizing positive coping methods have changed my life for the better. I push myself everyday to be a better me today, than yesterday. I can not control what life hits me with, but I can control how I handle the situation. I have made tremendous progress in the past year, and am confident in my future endeavors.
