these violent delights have violent ends

a stream of consciousness. d strider, signing in.

[mariokartprince]

i wave goodbye to the end of beginning

act 1 complete

[adicttive]

[theinternetarchive]

cinefantastique magazine vol. 1 no. 3, summer 1971.

[inritus]

Couple playing footsies on a subway, from Life and Love on the New York City Subway, 1946. Photographed by Stanley Kubrick.

[mariokartprince]

i pray i can keep you.

[mariokartprince]

yeah so. you found me and. i

either it’s You or this whole thing’s a sham that doesn’t matter because i love you so. so insanely deeply that i

i just want to cry with joy.

[mariokartprince]

12/27/24

the gears are ticking again.

[mariokartprince]

did i meet you? did i finally find you?

[mariokartprince]

if i break the chain of self...if i discard what i have been, will i ever be?

what builds my sense of self is arbitrary and it hurts. i don't think i want to keep the continuity of my past.

[mariokartprince]

i have this need to see the shape of the world.

it's not....a need for details. those are interesting and fun, but ultimately boring and frivolous to my most intellectualizing, patronizing instincts. i need to learn and understand the patterns of why and how, to get a grasp on the currents that move history and society forward. humans have a nature, and surely that nature produces shared patterns across time and space. surely there are reasons that history rhymes, and surely those reasons can be figured out with enough careful observation.

i.....have to know. i have to, it's a matter of survival, of life and death. i am terrified to remain ignorant, to be unable to get a grasp on what's coming my way. i learn a new piece of the puzzle every day, surely i can get a glimpse of the entirety someday. but...

every day i learn a new puzzle piece. and every day, the bounds of the puzzle grow wider. it is terrifying. what if i never know it all? what i never prepare enough and i don't see a killing blow coming? won't i have earned that?

why am i so prideful to assume there is an end to the puzzle at all.

it hurts, you know. the need.

i feel it in my chest. it's hot and fluttering and burns deep. i will never be able to rest while it burns. i would throw my life and loved ones into the flames to feed it.

i have to stop, it won't work but. i am so so terrified. i want to feel safe and and i've been too afraid to look at why this isn't working, too afraid of needing to drastically reroute my mind. perhaps if i don't look at the failure....it won't be real anymore.

it's still there though. and it still hurts. i don't want to keep hurting.

[mariokartprince]

i am terrified of outside inputs

they are terribly unpredictable

and hurt very badly at random times

i know how my mind will work. i understand the rhythm & flow of my thoughts and they make sense but the outside world doesn’t

i wish i could just live fully in my own head. it would be less anxiety inducing

its nauseating to expose myself and make myself vulnerable by participating in the world

if only i could be an impenetrable fortress. but even fortresses need reinforcements and supply lines to stay afloat. they die without them

i don’t know if i want them.

the lack of want, the depression, it’s a madness that consumes me half the days. i never feel safe or rested anymore and i am suspicious of anything that may make me feel such a way.

it will all disappear when i come to, when the madness ebbs and i am able to perceive the joy of life once again. but until then…..

[mariokartprince]

i feel blinded by the future, by death

this isn't REAL!!! none of it can be real, how can i act like everything is normal and not two steps from falling off a cliff!! this is insanity, we have 6 stable years left and i am wasting them! i am meaningless and everything i do feels worthless and i dont know if this is another bout of psychosis or if i am simply Someone Else but nothing feels right

we're flying into a cliff and i just want to accelerate the plane

[papayajuan2019]

you lament how it hurts to be misunderstood, but do you realize how frightening it will be the moment you are understood. are you ready to not retreat when it happens

[mariokartprince]

when will it be enough

[mariokartprince]

i do not like this unprecedented feeling of….something. anticipation. terror. holding your breath right before the jump.

we’ve never climbed this high before….and never had so far to fall. the state of the world is fucking terrifying, and no one is prepared. i’m so fucking scared.

[mariokartprince]

1/5/24

the gears fell, a while ago.

they lie motionless, discarded.

playing at cycles won’t get me anywhere. circles start where they end. it’s very reassuring trap; you know exactly where you’ll be, no guesswork about it. the final nail, comfort.

i don’t want to be comfortable in a coffin.

i’m going to get out of here. it’s scary and it sucks. but i have to get out of here.

[elegyforadream]