M&S

Marks and Spencer Group plc - Official social media outreach programme

[shadowhand-bastard]

Reblog to claim your OG Lovejoy fan ticket

LETS GOOOOOO

[marksandspencerofficial]

DEAREST COMMUNITY,

Today is a very special day. Middle Management have announced a bank holiday to celebrate the birthday of a national icon:

COLIN

OUR OVERLORD

[that-stone-butch]

unironically the mindset that saved my life

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Community,

This has been a PSA.

Amelie xx

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest customers,

I have excellent news about our Scunthorpe branch; customers are now allowed in aisle 13. The previous inhabitants are now gone. Do not ask where to. You will discover in time.

[tesco-supermarket-official]

Our statement on the Edinburgh situation

Dear all loyal Tesco shoppers,

It has come to our attention that many of you may not be fully versed on the intricacies of the situation in Edinburgh right now. If this is you, allow me to explain:

- @marksandspencerofficial , @morrissons-official, @poundland-uk-official, and @woolworths-supermarket-official have formed an alliance known as ‘NETO’ (the North Edinburgh Treaty Organisation). Let it be known that this organisation is a front; they claim to be a reimagining of the organisation that has existed since 1483, but they lack the experience to correctly execute this plan. Do not get it twisted: they are a totalitarian league whose sole purpose is to gain control of the Edinburgh metropolitan area.

Meanwhile, you have the Tesco-Waitrose alliance for Turnover pact. This pact has three core principals: we are aligned by similar motives, not by a desire to collaborate, we mostly stand against totalitarianism, and we stand against the members of NETO. 

People of Tesco, know your heart - and know that your heart is red, white, and blue.

Happy shopping! 

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Tesco,

Each and every member of NETO is motivated by one goal - love of the Community. The Community deserves a safe, stable, horse-meat-free shopping experience. If we were to move against the best interests of the Community, regardless of prices or food quality, they would stop shopping at our stores, and we would lose our precious profits. 

This has not happened. The Community’s support is evident in the sudden increase of profits after the announcement, an increase so great that our renovation is now weeks ahead of schedule. Incidentally, pay no attention to the black trucks moving between Scunthorpe and the building site.

I wonder whether you speak for your counterpart, @waitrose-official. Have you considered the implications of this unprovoked slander against our family? Middle Management has said they will lobby in your favour at the next NETO counsel, as they hope that there is still a chance that you will see sense, and stop following this warlike path.

I hope so too.

[northedinbrughtreatyorganisation]

NETO CHARTER

The North Edinburgh Treaty Organisation (NETO) was founded on the principal of a free market for all, where balance can be maintained, allowing healthy competition to drive forward innovations. 

While NETO was intended as a purely economic bloc at its conception in 1483, this is no longer possible. In this era of megacorporations, where monopolies can gut honest businesses’ work, NETO must stand as a light in the darkness. As such, all NETO members must militarise to a certain extent, in order to best ensure the protection of the free market and the average consumer. 

As we move into a stage of heightened tensions in the Edinburgh high streets, we are proud to announce your favourite supermarkets are part of the NETO family; @ woolworths-supermarket-officialwoolworths-supermarket-official.tumblr.com, @marksandspencerofficial, @poundland-uk-official, and @morrissons-official. NETO opens its arms to new members, so that together we may provide greater stability to the food shopping scene. 

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Community,

This marks the beginning of a new era in Edinburgh’s shopping. The founding of NETO should mark the end of this fractious period in Edinburgh’s retail history. Whether we move towards peace or all-out war is in the hands of the other supermarkets.

I know this is the marksandspencerofficial channel, and not the Amelie’s-personal-life channel, but I think that I must say this. Community, as you know, Milfred and I did not get on well in the past. Insults were traded, snide remarks were thrown, and backs were stabbed. 

But she and I have put aside our past differences to work towards a world we believe in, where supermarkets are able to focus on the Community, and not fighting each other. And our lives are so much better for it! She’s just married the most wonderful, influential person, and I’ve met someone at Woolworths who completes me. If you are prepared to fight for a better world for others, you’ll make a better world for you.

Join NETO or you’ll never find love.

[poundland-uk-official]

Update: Massive shoutout to Milford’s wife-to-be @NicolaSturgeon for agreeing to hand over full control of the SRC + colonies to us, effective as of NOW! Get shopping Poundlanders - EVERYTHING in Edinburgh is now 438,107,000,000 Venezuelans Bolivars!

Middle: See @NicolaSturgeon, Supreme Chancellor of the Democratic Republic of Scotland and its colonies, finalising the handing over of government to our top-scoring #Proudland employee of the month! Congratulations Patricia! Best of luck, and may the odds be ever in your favour.

Best Wishes,

Milford from Poundland

[waitrose-official]

We would like to make it clear that this is not the case for our Edinburgh location, as Waitrose has been a sovereign state for over 60 years. Customers need not fret; our prices are never going down.

[poundland-uk-official]

I’m afraid not! Just popping by to wish Milford from Poundland and @NicolaSturgeon a very happy wedding day! Prices will go down and they will stay that way. Forever. Happy shopping!

Best Wishes,

Patricia from Poundland 

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Milford,

My best wishes to you and your new wife on this wonderful day! If you are willing, I shall arrange a two-hour visa so that you and your loved one can enjoy a Colon the Caterpillar on this wonderful day!

I can see that this wedding will bring us closer together not just as supermarkets, but as a powerful new bloc on the Edinburgh groceries scene!

Amelie xx

[poundland-uk-official]

Dearest Amelie,

Words cannot express my gratitude for this humbling request. I understand that we may have had our differences in the past, but I believe through the power of friendship and #ColonTheCaterpillar, we can reshape the future of supermarkets as we know it. Our coalition will be legendary. Happy shopping!

Best Wishes,

Milford and Patricia from Poundland

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Retail Providers,

I am sure it has not escaped your notice that the fragile ceasefire in Edinburgh is beginning to break down. As declared in the Edinburgh-Retail Charter of 1483, it is our moral duty to ensure that the Community is in no way affected by our wars, lest we make smaller profits. None of us want this.

 As such, it is my great pleasure to announce the formation of of the New Edinburgh Treaty Organisation; NETO. This coalition of stores enables each chain greater stability in what is becoming a more unstable shopping environment. I and my business co-chair, Milford from #Proudland, cordially extend an invitation to the following retail representatives:

@tescos-supermarket-official

@lidl-official

@morrissons-official

We look forward to a long and successful, and above profitable partnership with you, where we will not just be colleagues, or allies, but the closest of friends.

Best wishes,

Your local representatives, Amelie and Milford

[poundland-uk-official]

Update: Massive shoutout to Milford’s wife-to-be @NicolaSturgeon for agreeing to hand over full control of the SRC + colonies to us, effective as of NOW! Get shopping Poundlanders - EVERYTHING in Edinburgh is now 438,107,000,000 Venezuelans Bolivars!

Middle: See @NicolaSturgeon, Supreme Chancellor of the Democratic Republic of Scotland and its colonies, finalising the handing over of government to our top-scoring #Proudland employee of the month! Congratulations Patricia! Best of luck, and may the odds be ever in your favour.

Best Wishes,

Milford from Poundland

[waitrose-official]

We would like to make it clear that this is not the case for our Edinburgh location, as Waitrose has been a sovereign state for over 60 years. Customers need not fret; our prices are never going down.

[poundland-uk-official]

I’m afraid not! Just popping by to wish Milford from Poundland and @NicolaSturgeon a very happy wedding day! Prices will go down and they will stay that way. Forever. Happy shopping!

Best Wishes,

Patricia from Poundland 

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Milford,

My best wishes to you and your new wife on this wonderful day! If you are willing, I shall arrange a two-hour visa so that you and your loved one can enjoy a Colon the Caterpillar on this wonderful day!

I can see that this wedding will bring us closer together not just as supermarkets, but as a powerful new bloc on the Edinburgh groceries scene!

Amelie xx

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Community,

It appears that a number our competitors have all sought out endorsements from Her Excellency Nikola Sturgeon, in order to legitimise their claim to the Edinburgh shopping scene. We here at M&S believe that you should not have to worry about politicians or divisive figures when you go shopping. Or horsemeat in your burgers. Or short shelf-lives. Or looking like a Tory. 

The money you spend on your groceries does not fund a shady government organisation. All our profits go towards the purchasing of Neptunium, which directly feeds back into the safety of the Community’s shopping experience. Here at M&S, we pride ourselves on enriching both the local area and weapons-grade Uranium.

Our food is sourced from British farms and sold to British people. We don’t give back empty, political promises to the people, we give back food! AND, we all agree that the food we sell isn’t laced with anything! At all!

Updates on our Edinburgh branch’s renovation to come soon.

[marksandspencerofficial]

it has come to our attention that the director of @morrissons-official, as well as having a thing for planes (we do not kinkshame in this office), is a rapist. think twice before buying his food.

buy our food.

now.

all hail Middle Management

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Community,

I am pleased to announce the acceleration of repairs on our flagship Edinburgh branch. I would also like to reaffirm that Middle Management has no intention of allowing the store to close again. Ever.

Business as usual.

I look forward to sharing the new security measures on offer to facilitate a safer shopping experience for our loyal Community.

[tesco-supermarket-official]

Thank you once again to all making good use of the customer service features on our website! Our latest request comes from Martin, from East Anglia, who asks ‘what happens on the first floor of your supermarkets? We never get to go up there’

Great question Martin! We use the first floor for battery farming; EU law states that battery farms must give each chicken 45cm of headroom and 750 square cm of floor space. However, as the first floor requires all entrants to present their beautiful new blue passport upon entry, the EU inspectors are not able to get up there and criticise our arrangement (which is almost thrice as efficient, packing an average of 2.8 chickens into the same space the EU would house one).

Happy shopping!

The chickens are fine ignore them

[marksandspencerofficial]

bruh you literally dont have an ask zone stop making up friends to make yourself feel special

wake up sheeple

come shop somewhere that doesnt lie to you about the Community interaction or velociraptors or the mysterious growls from Aisle 13

all hail middle management

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Community,

Unfortunately, due to unforeseen circumstances, we have been forced to temporarily relocate our Edinburgh branch from Castlehill to 33 Stenhouse Road. Rest assured, the smoke rising from behind the high, black walls is no cause for concern. 

Middle Management has expressed their displeasure.

Also if anyone sees any velociraptors around pls let me know haha thanks

[lidl-official]

For gay pride month we will be issuing a lower priced range of rainbow batorade for members of the lgbt community

We offer 15 whole bottles of batorade for the unbelievable price of £0.50 a 1p decrease on our previous prices

*Terms and conditions apply, if we do not deem you to be gay you will not be given the discount*

#habitatforhumanity #lgbt #getkimmyhisown missile #bradpittisridiculouslysexy

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Community,

Here at M&S, we offer ALPHORADE for the low low price of your firstborn child.

[morrissons-unofficial-deactivat]

Our customer today expressed confusion over our brand image.

Don’t be confused. The cube is actually very happy.

[marksandspencerofficial]

imagine only getting one customer per day

praise Middle Management

[waitrose-official]

UPDATE: due to complaints, the homeless man that disturbed our costumers earlier today has been re-captured and executed by firing squad.

By popular request, his corpse will be displayed at the front of the store as a warning to others.

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Community,

Do you truly want to walk past a corpse every time you go shopping? To scar you children whenever you collect the groceries? If not, consider shopping at M&S. The trained snipers can execute a clean headshot on any approaching poor before they come within 50m of the car park, and their military-grade silencers ensure that your shopping is not disrupted. Bodies are disposed of sustainably, providing fuel for the bakeries, providing a lighter, more delicate crunch.

[waitrose-official]

You should know our policy when it comes to dealing with lesser supermarkets is quite strict. We advise you to choose your next words carefully.

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Community,

As you can see, this civil discussion about ethical consumption has taken a turn, as I have received a memo from the Ministry of Diversity stating that I cannot refer to them as “poors,” but, “less-economically-inclined persons.” 

Also, as my counterpart has resorted to thinly veiled threats, I decided to report his actions to Middle Management. They did not take this slight well, throwing their head back and wailing into the swirling abyss that is the ceiling of their office. To my counterpart, I can only say this: count your toenails carefully tonight.

[waitrose-official]

UPDATE: due to complaints, the homeless man that disturbed our costumers earlier today has been re-captured and executed by firing squad.

By popular request, his corpse will be displayed at the front of the store as a warning to others.

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Community,

Do you truly want to walk past a corpse every time you go shopping? To scar you children whenever you collect the groceries? If not, consider shopping at M&S. The trained snipers can execute a clean headshot on any approaching poor before they come within 50m of the car park, and their military-grade silencers ensure that your shopping is not disrupted. Bodies are disposed of sustainably, providing fuel for the bakeries, providing a lighter, more delicate crunch.