Waitrose

Official blog of Waitrose Supermarket

[waitrose-official]

I would like to return this pack of underwear my ancestor bought here generations ago.

Of course! Our premium returns service will be happy to refund you, at the premium price of £134.

[waitrose-official]

Open Season!

To our treasured customers of the North, we present a wonderful opportunity: we have declared Open Season in Edinburgh! You may now purchase hunting rifles in all Waitrose stores in the area, and make your way into the city to hunt some peasants. They are generally found cowering at any of the other stores in the area, but if you are struggling, our special agents will be there to aid you in anything you require. They have, however, been asked to maim rather than kill Tesco's customers, as their leadership has been most cooperative.

There are military forces in the area, but fear not, for as long as you have your Waitrose membership card on display, they have more to fear from you than you do from them, as we will ensure their jobs and lives if they so much as look at you disrespectfully. If there is any trouble, once again, any one of our elite agents should be more than enough to handle any amount of force, military or otherwise.

[tesco-supermarket-official]

Our statement on the Edinburgh situation

Dear all loyal Tesco shoppers,

It has come to our attention that many of you may not be fully versed on the intricacies of the situation in Edinburgh right now. If this is you, allow me to explain:

- @marksandspencerofficial , @morrissons-official, @poundland-uk-official, and @woolworths-supermarket-official have formed an alliance known as ‘NETO’ (the North Edinburgh Treaty Organisation). Let it be known that this organisation is a front; they claim to be a reimagining of the organisation that has existed since 1483, but they lack the experience to correctly execute this plan. Do not get it twisted: they are a totalitarian league whose sole purpose is to gain control of the Edinburgh metropolitan area.

Meanwhile, you have the Tesco-Waitrose alliance for Turnover pact. This pact has three core principals: we are aligned by similar motives, not by a desire to collaborate, we mostly stand against totalitarianism, and we stand against the members of NETO. 

People of Tesco, know your heart - and know that your heart is red, white, and blue.

Happy shopping! 

[waitrose-official]

We would like to clarify that we do not, in fact, stand against totalitarianism. All the executives agree that would be quite silly. We do not need this alliance or any other, but everyone likes a bit of violence now and then, and it's been a while since our customers have gotten to enjoy some good old-fashioned hunting.

[waitrose-official]

Enjoyers of our Edinburgh location will notice an increasing amount of hostility between military forces in the area. Fear not, as almost all military personnel involved have been sufficiently enticed that you will go unharmed; just make sure to have your Waitrose membership card prominently on display.

If you are still concerned, please feel free to turn to one of our Waitrose special agents; their distinctive dark green suits and VO Vapen hunting rifles should be easy to make out. Alternatively, our store is of course still open and very safe, as we have purchased all military vehicles within a 5-mile radius and have them patrolling the perimeter at all times of day.

[tesco-supermarket-official]

Hello Waitrose!

We understand that our supermarkets have not always got along, but with the creation of NETO, we fear a creation of a pact of our own is necessary.

I propose the creation of the Tesco-Waitrose Alliance for Turnover, a non- aggression organisation focused entirely on increasing profits. Please do let me know your thoughts!

We can lend you a soviet battle tank

[waitrose-official]

Your offer amuses us. Very well. We will support your military and financial endeavours, for now.

In regards to the battle tanks, we have already bought two of them. While the concept of "lending" is foreign to us, we would be happy to purchase the rest of them.

[waitrose-official]

Enjoyers of our Edinburgh location will notice an increasing amount of hostility between military forces in the area. Fear not, as almost all military personnel involved have been sufficiently enticed that you will go unharmed; just make sure to have your Waitrose membership card prominently on display.

If you are still concerned, please feel free to turn to one of our Waitrose special agents; their distinctive dark green suits and VO Vapen hunting rifles should be easy to make out. Alternatively, our store is of course still open and very safe, as we have purchased all military vehicles within a 5-mile radius and have them patrolling the perimeter at all times of day.

[poundland-uk-official]

Update: Massive shoutout to Milford’s wife-to-be @NicolaSturgeon for agreeing to hand over full control of the SRC + colonies to us, effective as of NOW! Get shopping Poundlanders - EVERYTHING in Edinburgh is now 438,107,000,000 Venezuelans Bolivars!

Middle: See @NicolaSturgeon, Supreme Chancellor of the Democratic Republic of Scotland and its colonies, finalising the handing over of government to our top-scoring #Proudland employee of the month! Congratulations Patricia! Best of luck, and may the odds be ever in your favour.

Best Wishes,

Milford from Poundland

[waitrose-official]

We would like to make it clear that this is not the case for our Edinburgh location, as Waitrose has been a sovereign state for over 60 years. Customers need not fret; our prices are never going down.

[waitrose-official]

Money doesn't buy happiness, but it buys Waitrose products, which is basically the same thing

[waitrose-official]

We are terribly sorry to our customers about the civil unrest in the Edinburgh area. We are currently engaging in bribery negotiations with all military forces involved. Rest assured the situation will be resolved as violently as possible.

[waitrose-official]

Apologies to enjoyers of our China branch; due to being given just so much money we are having to remove all winne-the-pooh-themed candy from the store.

[waitrose-official]

More good news for enjoyers of our Edinburgh branch: We have strongly insisted on the closure of the "M&S" down the road from the location, as you may have noticed from the charred and burnt-down nature of the building.

[tesco-supermarket-official]

We have removed the sales aisle. Pay

[waitrose-official]

For once, a brilliant idea. We are also removing the sales aisle (our executives were shocked to find that we had one in the first place), and replacing it with an exclusive aisle, with 20-220% more exclusive prices on all products.

[lidl-official]

As the largest supermarket brand we would like to call waitrose out for a boxing match. The fact that they're being elitist is just a testimony to the fact that they refuse to sell karrots and kelery.

#blackhistorymonth

[waitrose-official]

It is not difficult to be the "largest" when one panders to the dregs of society.

[tesco-supermarket-official]

We have removed the sales aisle. Pay

[waitrose-official]

For once, a brilliant idea. We are also removing the sales aisle (our executives were shocked to find that we had one in the first place), and replacing it with an exclusive aisle, with 20-220% more exclusive prices on all products.

[waitrose-official]

Waitrose is dedicated to making June mental wealth month. In light of this, we would like to give you some invaluable advice: if you do not have money, consider earning some.

[waitrose-official]

UPDATE: due to complaints, the homeless man that disturbed our costumers earlier today has been re-captured and executed by firing squad.

By popular request, his corpse will be displayed at the front of the store as a warning to others.

[marksandspencerofficial]

Dearest Community,

Do you truly want to walk past a corpse every time you go shopping? To scar you children whenever you collect the groceries? If not, consider shopping at M&S. The trained snipers can execute a clean headshot on any approaching poor before they come within 50m of the car park, and their military-grade silencers ensure that your shopping is not disrupted. Bodies are disposed of sustainably, providing fuel for the bakeries, providing a lighter, more delicate crunch.

[waitrose-official]

You should know our policy when it comes to dealing with lesser supermarkets is quite strict. We advise you to choose your next words carefully.

[waitrose-official]

UPDATE: due to complaints, the homeless man that disturbed our costumers earlier today has been re-captured and executed by firing squad.

By popular request, his corpse will be displayed at the front of the store as a warning to others.

[waitrose-official]

A sad day today as one of our top executives has passed from a money overdose. Our thoughts go out to his family.

[waitrose-official]

Waitrose supports both pride and prejudice equally. 🏳️‍🌈