My eyes feel as if they were glued shut. I try opening them slowly, but the lids feel like sandpaper against my eyeballs. My head throbbed, a numbing pain at the temples. I try to move my hand to rub at my eyes, but arms feel as heavy a log. How long have I been sleeping?
Eyes still shut, I can sense the lights are blinding. Was it from a lamp or sunlight? I donāt know, but my room was never this bright. Where am I?
My mouth is parched. Even licking my lips feels like a whole lot of effort. I try to make a sound, but only manage a croak. Help.
Why canāt I move? What happened to me?
I could feel my heart beating fast against my chest, a lump forming in my throat. The throbbing pain in my head turns from numb to sharp. Like a rod pressing against the points of my temples.
I canāt see, I canāt move.Ā
I hear myself whimper, trying to call for help, but my voice barely leaves my lips. Instead, I begin to cry, one tear rolls down, then another.Ā
Iām scared, I feel hopeless. Help.
At that moment, I feel hands gently wrap around mine. A murmur, a voice.
āHey,ā it soothes. āHey, itās alright, Iām here,ā it says.
Whoever,Ā I think, managing to move my fingers, trying to hold on. Grateful for a human touch. I try prying my eyes open again and this time they open a crack. My vision is blurry, like a fogged up windshield on a cold early morning. But I can make out the silhouettes in the room. A hospital? Ah yes, the accident. How bad was it?
āIāve called the nurse,ā says the voice. unexpectedly familiar.Ā āSheāll be here in a minute.ā
I stare at the the person seated next to me trying hard to focus my sight. I feel his grasp tighten a bit, a reassuring pressure on my hand. My head still hurt, but my vision was beginning to clear and I slowly began to make out the manās features. I could see his eyes now, his nose, the shape of his mouth.
I blinked. Once. Twice. Pressing my eyelids together just a little harder on the second one.Ā
What is heĀ doing here? Why is he holding me hand?Ā
Confusion blurring my mind and the sharp pain stabbing at my brain, I feel myself drifting. A wave of unconsciousness, a heavy blanket covering my eyes, my body.Ā
I had been unconscious for 13 days.Ā
I was awake now. The pain in my head back to a dull throb, but still there. The doctor (heād introduced himself as Dr. Hwang) and 2 nurses were standing at the foot of my bed. Theyād just finished a check-up and a brief explanation as to why I was here. Now, they were looking at me, waiting for my response to what I had just been told. Jaehyun was still sitting on the chair next to the left of my bed, staring at me. I tried not to notice despite the bugging thought his unexplained presence. I was out quite a while, maybe it was his shift or something. But why him?
I stared back at the doctor and nurses, then down to my hands. 13 days, huh?Ā I felt like I just had a really long nap. In fact, I was still feeling groggy. I need another nap.
āItās normal to feel a little groggy,ā me head snapped up at the voice of the bespectacled doctor. He had a very pleasant face; pleasant looking eyes paired with a pleasant looking smile. Probably in his early forties. āThatās just your body getting used to being awake. It might take a few hours before youāre feeling fully conscious. However, there are some important things weād like to ask you. Will that be okay?ā
āAs I explained earlier, you experienced a traumatic brain injury from the accident. A concussion. Basically, you had hit your head pretty bad on the steering wheel which caused you to fall into a coma. May I ask you, do you remember your name?ā
āAh, yes?ā I looked at him quizzically. He nodded at me to go on.Ā āMy name is Astridā¦.Lee.ā
āVery good,ā he smiled, scribbling something on his notepad.Ā āNow, can you tell me, as much as you can, what is the last thing you remember?ā
My eyebrows furrowed as I tried to recall what happened. I remember driving.Ā But where?
āAh! I think I was driving to my friendsā house. He was celebrating his birthday.ā Yes, Taeil was holding his birthday bash. The sound of the doctor scribbling floated through the air. I was on the way whenā¦
āI thinkā¦.there was, a dog. He came out of nowhe- oh no!ā I gasped, looking up at the doctor.Ā āI didnāt- I didnāt hit it did I?ā I couldnāt remember what happened next. Did I stop? Did I hit it? God, oh god please donāt tell me I hit it?!
I didnāt notice I was digging my nails into my palm until Jaehyun reached out to hold them. I had forgotten he was there.Ā
āItās okay,ā he said.Ā āYou didnāt hit it. Youā¦you crashed into a tree.ā That look. I donāt know what it was but whyĀ was he looking at me like that? What was he doing here again?Ā
I slowly pulled my hand away, back onto my lap. Jaehyun lookedā¦hurt?
āIām sorry,ā I said, turning back to the doctor.Ā āWhere are my parents? Shouldnāt they be here?āĀ
āYour parents are on the way, Mrs Jung,ā said one of the nurses.Ā āThey were here til late night yesterday. They went home to refresh, but theyāre on their way, donāt worry,ā she smiled.
āWhat did you just say?ā I mustāve hit my head really, reallyĀ bad.
āYour parents are on-ā
āNo, no. Before that. What did you call me? I think you got my name wrong.ā
The nurse opened her mouth, then clamped it shut. Something behind her eyes snapped as she realised something. A silence passed as I felt all 4 of their stares on me. Something is off. Whatās going on?
It was the doctor that broke the silence.
āCould you tell us what year it is, Mrs- Miss Lee?ā He had stopped writing, holding his pen up in the air.
ā2017?ā Somethingās definitely up. I could sense Jaehyun tensing up, his legs beginning to tap on the floor
Dr. Hwang hummed, looking back down at his notepad and continued his note taking.Ā āAnd how old are you?
āTwenty-one,ā I could feel the throbbing pain in my head getting sharper. I stared at the doctor.Ā āWhy are you asking me this?ā
He looked back up at me, then pulled a chair from the corner of the room and sat down on my right. He put his notepad down and looked at me with his pleasant eyes, although this time without the presence of his pleasant smile.
āMay I call you Astrid?ā He started.
āAlright, Astrid. When experiencing a traumatic brain injury like yours, it is not a surprise that certain functions of the brain may be altered. And in some cases, there is a possibility of memory loss.ā
I closed my eyes as the pain in my head started pounding, increasing in persistence. I bring my hand up to my head, feeling the bandages wrapped around it.Ā
āBut I- but- but I remember who I am. I canāt possibly have memory loss, right?ā
The doctor looked at me with pity, probably being used to these questions, but still having to bear the burden of breaking the news to patients and family.
āHaving memory loss does not mean you forget everything. Most things about yourself remain intact. But often, it is certain periodsĀ of time that is lost.ā He clasped his hands together and continued, gesturing his head towards Jaehyun on the other side.Ā āDo you recognise this man?ā
I turn slowly to look at Jaehyun. His eyes, I knew what they meant this time. It was a look I had felt so many times before. It was despair, and hope.
āYes,ā I breathed, eyes still locked onto Jaehyun. Him, frozen as well.
āAnd who is he?ā the doctor continued.
āJaehyun. Aā¦..friend,ā But, could you call someone youāve known for so long but at the same time despise, a friend? At that point, Jaehyun tore his gaze away, his eyes instead trailed down to his shaking legs.
āAstrid,ā the doctor called my attention back to his.Ā āWe are now in the year 2021. And Jaehyun here is, your husband.āĀ
I scoffed. What silly joke is this? Him?Ā My husband?
I hated him, and he hated me. This isnāt possible.
The pain in my head was crossing the threshold to unbearable. The doctor continued talking, but all sound was being drowned out.
I had been unconscious for 13 days. But I lost 4 years.
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