Married To The Mob - Blog

Mob Living

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Hey Bitches! Check out the new Mob music playlist. Listen to some fire shit for ya busy work week every Monday.

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Out Here - Take 2

A series in which we talk to only the most official bitches who are on their grind and bout their shit.

Step Your Game Up: Emily Oberg, Complex News Anchor & Editorial Producer 

We’re back! Now that everyone has gotten all of the Halloween drinking and partying out of their system, it’s back to the daily grind and hustle that New York ever so makes us love and hate. Though that New York grit and moxie is no stranger to our next top notch chic, Emily Oberg. Hypebeasts, streetwear chieftains, and brand resellers will dip and dodge every obstacle when it comes to getting in line for a new Supreme drop, and granted Emily will be there with her Complex posse to broadcast all the hype. Giving one title to the multi-threat simply isn’t enough to justly convey her craft to the public, for her artistry is an endless list of checkpoints on every creative’s scroll of aspirations and know-how goals. Complex news anchor, editorial producer, stylist, and brand designer are just a few titles on Emily’s belt. Drafted into the streetwear world at a young age, Emily is one of the few females out here making a supremacy of her work in a male dominated field. While in the midst of managing her own line that embodies Vogue poise and tomboy aesthetics called Sporty & Rich, Emily is adding endless amounts of savor and gusto to the brand’s magazine and defying the notions that print is no longer of popularity.  When she’s not putting fans up on game of what’s thriving in the fashion scene and DJ’ing the occasional nightclub set, Emily has her own series of workout videos which I’m sure we could all use in today’s fast food catered society. Even with a full agenda, Emily had some time to spare to let us know what it takes to be a woman of tact and paramount in the fashion world, and how she hoists the sporty and rich lifestyle.

  Smart Talk

1.Did you have doubts when it came to starting such a creative career? Such as influence from parents, friends, etc.

I definitely did. I had no prior experience in what I am doing, asides from my interest in things like streetwear, fashion, sneakers and music. I was always such an avid fan of the areas I work in now, looking back, I really have my 14-year-old self's dream job. But, with no experience and not much schooling, I was reluctant. I remember getting the email from Complex, then a call, then another call a week later, offering me the job and asking me to move out here. When I first told my parents, they were like "That sounds crazy I don't think you should do that right now." But how could I not? It was my dream to work in this field and to move to New York, I'm so lucky for the ways things happened. I was also living with my then-boyfriend at the time, so that was something that was holding me back too. We were together for a minute, so it was hard to just get up and go. But at the end of the day, you have to do what's best for you and sometimes that requires being cut throat. I wasn't malicious about it in any way, but I was just kind of like, I have to do this for me, because if I don't, I'll regret it for the rest of my life. He was very supportive of the whole thing, I'm thankful for that.

2. Would you rather have a life with or without social networks? Why?

Obviously social media is now one of my jobs and it's how I make a good portion of my income, so I need it. But, there are plenty of times when I wish I could cut myself off from Instagram, Twitter etc. They are such toxic tools in this day and age, they prohibit us from engaging with people, they weaken relationships because everything you do is out there for the world to see, and they're just negative feeds of things that make us feel bad about ourselves. At the same time, I use them all for research for different projects, and I have been able to connect with some very talented, inspiring people through the means of social media. It's really a double-edged sword situation. 

3. Ever had an instance of another person blatantly copying your craft? Do you believe in confrontation when it happens?

I did have Forever 21 rip of my sweatshirts. I called them out on social media, and my followers shit on them, still to this day. It's wack, they know they're wack. But what can you do? At the end of the day, they are a monstrous brand with a team of lawyers and big money, and my brand is just me. It's fine though, it doesn't hurt my business. But I did speak out, because I felt I had to protect my brand and my ideas, they are sacred.

4. Did you have a mentor or certain someone you looked up to when starting your career?

People are gonna think I'm saying this because this is an interview for MTTM, but I really looked up to Leah. She was one of, if not the first woman in streetwear. Her story, how she got here, what she went through, what she's created for herself and for other women in this business, it's really something special. And her attitude, there's just no one else like her. I checked the original MTTM blog DAILY, I was probably 14 when they were updating regularly. I was OBSESSED. Everyday after I would get home from school I'd check it, so I was also obsessed with Tabatha and her writing and posts. I've probably read every single article she ever wrote for MTTM, her style of writing is my absolute favorite. And she always wrote about topics that I could relate to and that were just so real and honest. I definitely got a lot of my advice from her posts, and she always made me feel better about myself, as a young teenage girl, you really need that.

It's funny, when I moved to NYC Frank 151 had asked me to do a photo shoot with her and DKNY, and I was like "is this real?" I followed her since I was 14 and now I'm working with her? It was surreal. Her and Leah are real legends.

“I try to have a rule, and it's to only ever compete with yourself.”

5. Do you ever let competition get to you mentally? Is being competitive a good trait to have when making a career out of your talent?

I try to have a rule, and it's to only ever compete with yourself. If you try to compete with anyone who isn't you, you'll NEVER be satisfied, because you will never be them. Everyone does what they do differently; everyone has their own timeline. Things will happen in your life when they are supposed to, and you have to trust that. I think it's important to continually outdo yourself and step your game up with each new venture and project. If what you do tomorrow isn't better than what you did today, then you aren't progressing.

6. Are there any other side hustles you’d like to pursue in the future?

My dream job is to curate soundtracks for films and TV. It's such a niche world to get into though, so I'd be surprised if I ever get the chance. I'd also like to get more involved in charity and volunteering. I'm passionate about animals and their well being so I definitely want to help where I can. 

7. What’s the number one trait you should embody when starting your own business as a women in the creative industry?

I would say be nice. There are so many people in this field that are cutthroat and shady, or just plain rude. You will never get anywhere if you're a mean person, especially when it's toward people you don't even know. I truly believe that people will always remember how you make them feel, so why not be nice? Obviously, don't let people walk all over you, but be a kind person, and the rest will follow. Besides, you never go who you're going to meet and how you might need them to help you someday.

8. Do you censor yourself when it comes to what you decide put on social media? (Snapchat, Twitter, Instagram)  

Definitely. I take a lot less "risky" pictures than I used to. It's just not necessary and people are creeps, especially my followers. Not that there's anything wrong with showing some skin, but personally I believe that your body is private and special, and it doesn't need to be shared with the world. I don't need the validation of being half naked on Instagram and getting a ton of likes, but I also respect girls like Em Rata who post half naked selfies, it's just whatever you feel comfortable with!

9. Do you ever let backlash or negative feedback from fans get to you? How do you handle it?

I think we all get backlash (me and the other Complex Faces), because we're so out there and we're on camera at least 3 times a day. So people know who we are, and they're gonna wanna shit on us. Most of the time, you know they're just some Internet trolls and have no lives, but some days when you see negative things about you constantly, it gets to you and you'll get down on yourself. You just have to be strong enough to let it go and shake it off, at the end of the day, it's not gonna kill you.

Street Talk

1. Has anyone ever succeeded when they “slid” in the DM’s? Funniest thing you’ve ever read in your DM’s?

I've had some people slide through who I've either dated or became great friends with. I've had some funny stuff pop up in my DMs, mostly just on Instagram. I'm kind of immature so to me, everything is funny. It's always the best when dudes send multiple messages begging for you to follow them or respond, and then get butt hurt and turn on you. It'll be like 5 messages saying "I love you Emily pls marry me" and then after no response, "Fuck you you fucking bitch." I get a kick out of those, and then I block them. 

2. How early in the relationship do you start sending a guy nudes?

Honestly I'm not really a nudes kind of girl, I'm so paranoid with pictures leaking through iCloud or whatever, so I am super careful of what I put on my phone. 

3. First thought that comes to mind when you see a guy you’re attracted to?

"What shoes is he wearing?"

4. Do you believe in posting whom you’re dating on social media?

This one is tricky. In the past, I've never once posted a photo with a boyfriend; I just didn't feel the need to. And it's hard when you're semi-public or whatever and there's a few people out there who know who you are, you don't want them in your business and I feel like when you are public with your relationship, it opens the door for drama and for rumors. But of course there are times when you wanna show your partner off to the world because you're proud of them. Maybe one day I will but for now, I'll lay low.

By Brittany McGregor

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OUT HERE – TAKE 1

SUP BITCHES!

Here at MOB we are constantly gaining inspiration from only the most official women who are driven to stay focused on their grind, whatever that may be; women who put themselves first and plant their careers on the highest pedestal. With numerous women climbing their way up the ladder and dominating the scene, daily, the team is celebrating them for what they’re worth and recognizing their endeavors. Our newest venture, Out Here, will be an introductory series into the lives and minds of the new school of upcoming artists, DJ’s, brand owners, and other feminine creative who are really out here monopolizing and laying down the law.

Stay In Your Lane: Brianni Taylor, Event Producer

Dominating the art scene with her innovative and coveted exhibits, event producer Brianni Taylor is curating your favorite albums into an abundance of carefully crafted artistic pieces. With today’s constantly evolving music scene, you’ll find many things that are emulating and embodying your favorite artist. Whether it be concert tour merch, new clothing lines, or a new shoe drop, die hard fans are willing to get their hands on anything that reminds them of their favorite. Leave it to Brianni to select the most talented of artists who make your favorite album come to life through a plethora of inspired oil paintings, decadent food options, and interactive merriment. Taylor previously held a Kanye West inspired Life of Pablo art exhibit back in May, which conceived undeniable praise and recognition from her fans and generated onlookers to want more from the visionary.  Last week, she held a Drake inspired Views art exhibit and luckily I was there to witness the ingenuity myself.  We were given the chance to interview Taylor through a series of questions and get to know her views on how she prevails as a curating sovereign.

Smart Talk

1.Did you have doubts when it came to starting such a creative career? Such as influence from parents, friends, etc. 

A: Yes, I had huge doubts, but surprisingly they came from myself. My family and friends support me so much… it's kind of too good to be true. They actually believe in me, which in turn makes me believe in myself.

2. Would you rather have a life with or without social networks? Why?

A: Social media REALLY changed me into somewhat of an extrovert. I'm now learning how to fake being an extrovert at least. I've met so many people from social media who have helped me, guided me, taught me... I would not be where I am today without it. I even met some of my closest friends through social media. We had mutual friends but we spoke so much via social media & became close.

3. Ever had an instance of another person blatantly copying your craft? Do you believe in confrontation when it happens?

A: I've had SEVERAL instances where I put an event together and I see people try to emulate the theme or event title. In one case, I said something to the coordinator because EVERYONE who knew me, thought that was my event. I wasn't so nice about it although I should've been nicer. The more recent cases I just laugh at and move forward. If I had confrontation with everyone who copied me, I'd just have too many issues.

4. Did you have a mentor or certain someone you looked up to when starting your career?

A: Honestly, no. There are a lot of people I look to for inspiration or motivation or guidance but there is no one person who inspired me to curate events. I just wanted to provide quality events, events that I myself would want to go to.

5. Do you ever let competition get to you mentally? Is being competitive a good trait to have when making a career out of your talent?

A: I truly don't see my peers or other event coordinators as competition. Everyone who I know that coordinates events doesn’t do what I do. I think everyone has their own lane, and I don't think we've ever crossed paths. I do think I set a certain bar and I would want anyone who is in competition with me to reach their highest potential. I admire anyone who curates events because it's not easy… but I'm also not going to give kudos to people who have ‘themed’ events when said event is nothing of the sort. I just think people need to do better if they want to compete with others (not just myself).

Being competitive is 10% of what matters when it comes to this field. The primary things that matter are hard work, creativity, originality, strong work ethic and great connections with people.

6. Are there any other side hustles you’d like to pursue in the future?

A: I really want to master event production, there's so much I don't know! In the future I want to really delve into marketing and branding. I'm also into fashion so I'm working on some things with a friend so that we can have several businesses open for ourselves.

7. What’s the number one trait you should embody when starting your own business as a women in the creative industry?

A: Being coachable. Some people think that it's their way or no way, and do not know how to be receptive to feedback. I thrive off of feedback negative or positive. I think I'm good at receiving people's criticism and fueling that to make myself and my events better. I also know when to toss people's opinions and critiques to the side. All commentary isn't good commentary and people should learn to filter out what doesn't need to be heard and pay attention to what does.

8. Do you censor yourself when it comes to what you decide put on social media? (snapchat, twitter, instagram)

A: Absolutely not, especially not on Twitter. I have somewhat made a name for myself by being a shit talker. I say whatever is on my mind at the moment and it can be a gift or a curse, but I don't want to change that at all.

9. Do you ever let backlash or negative feedback from fans get to you? How do you handle it?

A: I haven’t had any backlash yet, thank god. I do however take any negative comments and try to expound on that. If I ever saw someone making a negative response towards anything creative I've done, I’ve spoken to them personally and asked what could I have done better. I want to always grow and learn by not making the same mistakes twice. I also have to realize I can't please everyone and that is my biggest flaw, trying to accommodate everyone.

Street Talk

1. Has anyone ever succeeded when they “slid” in the DM’s? Funniest thing you’ve ever read in your DM’s?

A: I mean, most guys DM me trying to act like they're trying to conduct business, but once I realize they're not I just block them lmaoo. I had 1 guy send me a photo of myself & said I looked as hot as 718,555,5555 degrees but it was literally his phone # lmao. I hated it

2. How early in the relationship do you start sending a guy nudes?

A: there's no time frame for sending nudes. If I'm comfortable with you then I'll send them the next day! If I don't like you enough I'll never send it.

3. First thought that comes to mind when you see a guy you’re attracted to?

A: Truly, honestly... I think about his smile first... does he have good teeth or not, and then I think about if he's a fuckboy or not. If 1 of the answers are not good answers, then I just lose interest in that moment.

4. Do you believe in posting whom you’re dating on social media?

A: I think posting who you're dating leaves so much room for people to be in your business. As soon as you do not post them, people being to speculate and really get a little too nosy, asking unwanted questions and so forth. I don't judge people who do it, I've just never been the type. I think it will also take a certain type of man to bring that side out of me.

Peep some shots from Taylor’s last curation, the Drake inspired “Views” art exhibit

By Brittany McGregor

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BITCHES WHO MOB

In honor of this fall’s highly coveted and controversial ‘Supreme Bitch’ tees & crews, here are some of our favorite bitches who have rocked MOB to the fullest.

Wait till you see what we’ve got up next...

www.mttmnyc.com 

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IMPROPER ETIQUETTE WITH LEAH & LAURA STYLEZ

If you haven’t heard or have just been living under a rock, MOB’S very own creator & CEO Leah McSweeney has joined forces with Hot 97′s Laura Stylez to bring us ‘Improper Etiquette’. Stylez & McSweeney discuss love, relationships, sex, porn, politics and subway etiquette, as well as what it means to be a woman in both the music and fashion industries. Special guests have already ranged from Orange Is the New Black’s Dascha Polanco, MTV’s Chanel WestCoast, and Hot 97′s own Peter Rosenberg.  You can listen now on SoundCloud or SUBSCRIBE on iTunes for the free. Link below.

bit.ly/2cVGx36

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WE’RE BACK

HI BITCHES!

PARDON OUR DISAPPEARANCE.

We are officially back on Tumblr, here to give you the scoop on our newest designs for the fall. The collection includes tees, hoodies, caps, and jackets. This past week we released a fall staple: the ‘Good Luck Bitches’ Coaches Jacket is now available in both pink and black on www.mttmnyc.com for 75$.

GET IT GET IT

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NIRE DELVES INTO MUSICAL INFLUENCES & HER DEBUT ALBUM RADIKA

When it comes to Married to the Mob OG’s, few ladies have credentials like our long-time boo Erin Cooney AKA Nire does. An original ‘M.O.B.’ and one of Leah’s BFFs since literal grade-school days, she’s been a face and voice for the brand throughout the entire journey. And it’s that very voice that’s driven her so far in her own musical career, constantly traveling to DJ events, releasing collaborative mixes, and now finally releasing her much-anticipated debut album, Radika.

I caught up with the Queens-bred beauty to talk influences, female empowerment, and what future projects she’s about to churn out…

For me personally, it’s like I’ve been able to watch the evolution of your music and style over the last 10 years, and it’s honestly been amazing getting to observe that growth. Tell us about the inspiration and process that led up to creating Radika, your first official album.

Aww thank you so much sis, I've loved watching you grow over the years and coming into your own! 

It was a natural progression because I was working a lot with friends who were artists and happened to be women and I thought it would be awesome to do an all-women album. There are amazing women producers out there and the numbers are increasing, but the gap is still very big, therefore most women vocalists don't have a choice but to work with men in the studio, which isn't an inherently negative thing, but I want to expand options and create different kinds of opportunities for women and everyone.  

Real quick, how would you describe your musical style to a stranger on the street in just a sentence?

Least favorite, but necessary question! I think it's especially hard for me because I can't do one genre, I pull from so many different places and my music reflects a lot of my journey at the time it's created. Let's say…experimental, bass-infused local and world electronic, hip-hop at times, punk spirit… 

What does the term Radika actually mean or signify?

Radika is a place that embodies being radical in self-realization and love and encourages taking all the risks to do so. I love that radical means at the same time to connect to the root of something and by doing so you can intensely branch out.  

Though this is your first official album, you’ve definitely been sitting on a mountain of fire tracks, mixes, and other projects from the last decade or so. I imagine that graduating to a full-on album is sort of like a writer taking that first leap from essays and journalism to writing an actual book. How does that transition of creating an album differ from anything else you’ve done? I imagine it’s a lot more daunting.

Yes, it's a huge undertaking and it required a lot of growth from me as an artist and person. The learning curve was so steep, I know future albums will be at least a little bit easier to make! I really enjoy working within a larger framework conceptually, I think more than single songs, I like context—it tells more of a story.

Your first single and video off Radika “Commie Mommie” features Maluca and your bestie (slash partner in crime!) Nani Castle, and I love how the video (directed by Lil Government and Lil Internet) has an almost Destiny’s-Child-meets-Charlie’s-Angels-from-the-five-boroughs type of feel, at least visually. Ultimate modern girl anthem! What was the inspiration behind the song itself? And what was the overall directorial vibe for the video?

Thank you! Nani, Maluca, and her cousin were in a group together called Commie Mommie years ago and the song gets its name from that. Nani's parent were very active politically and that has been a big part of her life; she says, "As the daughter of an exile and political activist, I feel a certain responsibility to make music that inspires progressive movement, my verse is inspired by my mother who is a fierce believer is justice and equality." Maluca describes "Commie Mommie" as "An inclusive platform for women to express their anger, activism, humor, and femininity. Any woman can be a Commie Mommie!" Lil Government expands on the theme of the song by saying "Strong women are faced with the double-edge sword of their allure inspiring fear in those who are drawn to them."  

“Commie Mommie” is a celebration of a powerful, diverse feminine community embodying a critique of the hypocritical, societal expectations of women. We're pushed in so many different directions; be hot but don't own or enjoy your own sexuality too much. Appear "strong" but don't threaten my power and don't be a bitch or a diva. The video has some tongue in cheek under tones addressing these ideas. I believe our purpose and journey here is to find, cultivate, and celebrate our unique, individual, authentic voice and to not "stay in your lane." I think there are people who are dedicated to making the world a better place in every generation, they build on what the previous generation created and offer their contribution to the future generation to take it and build on it further.

Do you have plans to drop any other videos off Radika? If so give us the exclusive sneak! ;)

I art directed the video for "Hopscotch" with Dominique Dawson who also directed the video; it features Nani Castle and Nini Rey. We also made a video for one of the instrumentals, "Teknok," that's a surreal day in the life of a woman living in nature and explores ideas of shedding, transcendence, and solitude/oneness.

I know it’s like picking between a favorite child, but—any song in particular off the album that you especially adore?

Yeah that's super tough! I think I will have to go with an instrumental since I can't choose between the songs with vocals, so that would be “Aikrose.” I made it in one of my favorite places, Topanga Canyon, and it's one of the more spiritual songs on the album. A friend recently said to me that it felt to her like a journey and a guide in one, which was such a sweet compliment, I hope it inspires others to feel the same way too!  

Who/what would be your dream collaboration moving forward? And who’s musically inspiring you at the moment?

Hmm dream collab? So many, but off top: Bjork and (impossible, but) Nina Simone! I work with people I like on a personal level—for me it's everything—like what kind of art are you making if you're only operating from a shallow consciousness? 

There are a plethora of exciting producers worldwide right now; it's an exciting time for music and electronic music. I love a lot of NY artists right now like Ynfynyt Scroll, Cuyo, Serpentwithfeet, Bunny Michael (who's on my album); I love Mitski's Bury Me at Makeout Creek EP too, she's bringing the raw, bad-assness back into rock. I'd love to work with Junglepussy and Princess Nokia as well! 

Now that Radika is completed, what’s your next project? I know you’ve always got some fun creative endeavors under your belt! Planning for album number two yet?

I'm really excited to work on an instrumental EP as my second released project. I'm working on my live production show and collaborating more with other producers and fellow artists. I love working across disciplines with visual artists and with dance/movement as well. Community and collaboration is one of the most important things to me and is really important when you’re an artist because creating things requires a certain amount of solitude.

I've been working with Serpentwithfeet who I adore as an artist and person; he's making some really exciting art you should check out! I was also just in Europe working on Gnucci's new album which is sounding amazing and has pop appeal in the best way possible. I just got to act in her upcoming video "Ulitmate Syndrome" while we were in Kosovo for a show—she made the song with Tami Tamaki and it explores being your own 10, friendship, lovership (just made that up), and gender.

I have an unnamed group with Nani Castle but we're halfway through our EP, hopefully the name will present itself by the time the project is finished! Other than that, I’m always looking for ways to expand my skills, learning more, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, exploring, and staying inspired!

(For more on Nire and to give Radika a listen, click here!)

[marriedtothemobnyc]

END OF SUMMER DILLZ ~

Well ladies, I know my written contributions here have been completely lacking these last few months, but since today is kind of like the last day of Summer, I figured it would only be right to leave you with something. MON-DILLZ! Now BRB while I make a charcuterie plate using the above gentleman’s butt cheeks.

[marriedtothemobnyc]

MARRIED TO THE MOB FALL 15 STARRING THE CLERMONT TWINS!

Just in time for back-to-school detention, our Fall 15 fire is here at last! Starring the jaw-dropping Clermont Twins and shot by the big homie Sais TV, this collection definitely doesn’t disappoint. Because two baddies are better than one…

    SHOP THE FULL RANGE NOW AT MTTMNYC.COM!

           PEEP THE FULL LOOKBOOK HERE!

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Don’t Start None Won’t Be None - Leaf Drops New Video for “Drama”

By now most of you are surely familiar with Leaf's beautiful exterior—with those deep doe-eyes and perfectly pouty lips popping up on all your social feeds—but it's only once you hear the sound behind the face that you realize what a force to be reckoned with she truly is. Raised in New York but currently living out in Los Angeles, you may remember her from her 2013 remix to "Sugar Mama" which featured fellow NYer Action Bronson—but there's much more stacking up in her repertoire than just remixes. An undeniable phenom, she not only writes and produces her own music, but also directs and edits her own music videos, and designs her own MBM clothing line—all at just 19-years old. Feel like you're slacking yet? Yeah, us too—now go watch her amazing new video for "Drama" featuring the sickest girl-gang, all decked out in MTTM.

And don't worry boo's—that Bad Mother Fucker dress from Fall 15 is dropping very soon! Stay tuned...

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MONDILLZ - JULY EDITION!

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INSIDE THE WOLFPACK WITH DIRECTOR CRYSTAL MOSELLE

It seems strange to think that anybody growing up in the Lower East Side would have a sheltered life—quite contrarily, New York City childhoods are generally abundant with overexposure. We learn to take the subway by ourselves to go to school, make frequent bodega runs for after-class candies, and by the time we can read most of us are already well accustomed to the local demographics; unfazed by corner crackheads and other neighborhood characters.

But in a true stranger-than-fiction scenario, “sheltered” doesn't even begin to describe the reality of the Angulo children’s lives, a veritable tribe of seven who spent almost their entire youth locked away in a project apartment at the edge of the Williamsburg Bridge. The Wolfpack, directed by the amazingly talented Crystal Moselle, is the documentary that tells their heart-wrenchingly unique story, and since it’s official release last week the buzz and impact has been tremendous.

Crystal was sweet enough to invite us to a screening several weeks ago, and from the moment the film began I was immediately sucked in, fists clutched together in nervous anticipation as the bizarre tale unfolded. I was going to attempt and break down the inner workings of the plot for you guys, but there are so many indescribable twists and turns—it’s truly the kind of thing you have to see with your own eyes to believe. Not to mention, it’s just as visually arresting and mesmerizing as it is emotionally, laden with eerie TV-lit family shots, comically on-point movie reenactments, and plenty of unbelievable home movie footage. And while the overall reality of their childhood could be considered tragic, and I wanted to cry for them at some points, I ultimately left feeling incredibly drawn to and inspired by “the boys”—almost envious, even. Their character, their morals, their sensibilities, their interests, their tastes…everything was so pure and authentic, there’s no way you could ever replicate it.

I haven’t stopped visualizing them since the screening; a few days ago I found myself thinking, They’re kind of like the male versions of The Virgin Suicides—a clan of beautiful sibling dreamers, at the mercy of “overprotective” parents, who live vicariously through music or film. Luckily for our protagonists though, they managed to escape the darkness into what now seem to be very promising and fulfilling young adult lives.

Dying to know more about the project—from initially discovering the boys to forming that bond of trust between subject and filmmaker—I sat down with the brilliant Crystal to get the full rundown…

 Let’s start from the top. When and how did you discover the Angulo brothers?

I was walking down 1st Avenue and these boys ran past me—long hair, all wearing black and sunglasses. One boy ran past me and caught me eye, and then another one ran past and another one and another one, and my instincts took over and I ran after them. We met up at a cross-walk, and the first thing I asked was “Are you guys all brothers?” and they said yes and it blew my mind. I then asked them where they were from, and they said Delancey Street, and I was like, “What?! What are you talking about, I’ve never seen you around here.” The thing that touched me was one of them asked, “What do you do for a living?” And I replied, “I’m a filmmaker,” and he said, “Oh, we’re interested in getting into the business of filmmaking,” so that was how it all started.

 We became friends…it was just a friendship—I had no idea what their background or upbringing was, I was just more inspired by who they were and their personalities and their openness to life, which is so much different than all these jaded fuckers we come across every day [laughs].

 At what point did you realize that there was a deeper story there that you could make a film about?

I actually started filming them right away, because we were looking at cameras and I just did little interviews with them; I was like I’m just gonna make a doc on these kids and I’m not sure what’s gonna happen. We thought we could show them making a short film or doing their reenactments, focusing more on their craft, but as I got to know them more I realized there was a totally more in-depth story to tell.

 Is that generally how you try to operate as a filmmaker—just stumbling across something intriguing to you? Or are you actively seeking stories out that are as unique as theirs?

I don't actively seek stuff out; it usually just comes to me. Like I’m writing a narrative feature now—everything usually comes from something in real life. I’m just interested in really fascinating characters and fascinating stories.

 Just for my personal curiosity, around what age range were the boys when you first began filming?

When I first met them it was 11 to 19.

  I remember years ago, maybe almost a decade, you’d come over to film me for a Vice project having to do with teenagers. Would you say you’re most drawn to documenting adolescents? Why?

Yes, absolutely. I think partly because I literally never grew up from age 13—I dress the same, I probably act the same [laughs]. I’m very drawn to this transformation stage and growing up and coming into your own and figuring out who you are. That’s one of my favorite themes.

 Back to the brothers—it was evident from the film that even though they were totally cut off from society and reluctant to get personal with outsiders (even a therapist) they felt extremely comfortable with you. Talk a bit about how important that relationship between the filmmaker and subject is—how do you gain their trust and get so close?

There were never any plans, it just happened. We had something in common—we all loved movies and we loved to converse about films and learn together. They taught me a lot as well; they’re like little walking cinephiles. You have to have a synergy between you otherwise it wont work, because you’re gonna be spending a lot of time with the person [laughs]. There has to be something there and they have to trust your intentions—I really wanted them to know that my intentions were pure and that I just really wanted to follow their story because it was so interesting.

And as much as getting close is imperative, I would imagine that you’ve also gotta learn to disconnect yourself in some ways. As an outsider, there were certain scenes (like with the parents) that were so painful to watch—did the intensity of their situation ever start to weigh on you?

Oh yeah, during filming it was emotional. I was very close to them, so I think I was connected to them in a way that I might have broken some “documentary rules,” which I’m fine with [laughs], but we had this friendship that was very tight. It weighs on you a lot—it took over my entire life for quite some time.

 Judging from all the outside shots, like the Holiday Inn and billboard on Delancey Street, it seemed like all of this was filmed relatively recently—how long did the entire process take from start to finish?

Five years ago I started filming and I filmed for four and a half years.

 And how much of that time was actually spent with them; were you hanging out with them every day?

No, not every day—it depends what was happening. They’d be like “Oh we’re going to the beach today” so I’d follow them to the beach, or else they’d be like “We’re making this reenactment thing” and I’d stay with them for a few days as they did that. It was always different.

  As much as the circumstances of their youth were fucked up, I also found myself thinking that had it not been for all that, they wouldn't have turned out to be the incredibly intelligent, interesting, and unique men of substance that they became—which becomes especially evident towards the end. How personally fulfilling was it following them on that journey to freedom? Like going to Coney or their first movie theatre experience.

Oh God, it was so fulfilling. I just loved seeing them experience these things for the first time. I’m so happy with them discovering what they wanna do, and it actually happened already—they’re making their own films now and getting commissioned by people to do stuff; it’s amazing.

So you guys have remained close? I would imagine your subjects become like family after an experience like that.

Oh yeah, I was just with Mukunda at Vice—he’s doing a film with Vice right now.

 Now that you’ve finished this masterpiece, what’s next for you film-wise? Have you plotted out your next endeavor or subject matter?

I’m working on a narrative but I’m not gonna talk about it yet [laughs]; but it has themes of isolation and it’s referenced from this little town that I used to go to when I was younger…

 _______________________________________________________________________

[marriedtothemobnyc]

NAVIGATING “DTR” OR DEFINING THE RELATIONSHIP

Happy Monday babies! I’m very pleased to announce that I’m actually typing this thang up live and direct from the MOB office today—gonna be over here two days a week moving forward to help out with web stuff and keep from going completely stir crazy. This might sound insane to some of you who wish for nothing more than to sit and marinate on the couch all day like I’ve been doing, but even the smelly morning commute felt exhilarating. And even though the NYC subway system can be a complete nightmare, it’s also a great place to just zone out and get lost in those consecutive patterns of passing white tile and tunnel lighting.

 For today’s post, I looked into IG suggestions from a few weeks ago and decided on a subject we’ve all dealt with at some point or another—navigating DTR or “defining the relationship.” I’ve actually sort of covered this before in my High Standards For Affection article, but only in brief, so today we’re going full-dissection. For starters, no matter how sexually matured or “progressive” you think you are, DTR is absolutely inevitable in all relationships. Even the most mutually casual of fuck buddies hit that point eventually, though they’d probably deny it. And not all DTR is emotionally-driven or a sign of neediness—sometimes you just wanna know if they’re fucking anybody else so that you can fuck other people too and not feel bad about it. Anyway, let’s take it from the top!

Even though now my man and I are totally in love and moving towards the fourth year of our very blissful relationship, there was definitely a time when DTR hovered over us like a dark cloud. Well, over me anyway—I’m pretty sure (like most men) that he had absolutely no idea what was going on. The thing is that I had accidentally put myself in a bit of a bad spot; it wasn’t like we both met and just instantly fell into something. We’d already known one another for a few years, each in our own respective relationships, but I’d had my sights set on him for a while. Almost as soon as my ex and I broke up, I was plotting how to get into this dude’s pants. But without fully realizing it, I’d put the ball in his court. My thirst and nervousness around him was totally obvious, and even if that can be endearing, making yourself look so weak or vulnerable at the start of relationship is never a good idea.

 (Side note: Though this is a pretty melancholy mentality, I truly believe that there’s always one person in the relationship who’s a bit more emotionally invested or in love than the other—in this case, that’d be me. But it’s nothing to be sad over—just the delicate balance of human chemistry.)

 Naturally I tried to play all the games though; I tried not to text first, or call, and whenever we hung out I always kept the vibe and conversation super light and casual. I just really didn't want to scare him off, and as sad as this sounds, I was constantly trying to condition my mind into thinking, “This is just sex and hanging out. This will never be a relationship”—not because that’s how I actually felt, but because I knew it was most realistic. I figured the more I jammed that thought into my brain, the easier it would be to deal with emotionally when the inevitable separation came. It only made things worse though, because I couldn’t stay away from him, and I couldn’t suppress the feeling that I was starting to love him, but in the same breath I’d convinced myself I wasn’t worthy anyway. Eventually though, it started to weigh on me. Half of me believed I wasn’t good enough, while the other was disgusted that someone of my superb caliber could ever think such stupid shit. One day I’d wake up crying, sobbing into a pillow that he’d never love me, while the next I’d wake up angry, cursing him for not being shit or claiming the prize in front of him (moi). Ultimately though, my insecurities and lack of communication were to blame—not his obliviousness.

 Then one day I decided I’d had enough; I was sick of all the wondering and mental computation. We’d probably been hanging out and hooking up for around six months, and even though the relationship was exclusive in my mind, I knew he wasn’t quite there yet. But I figured, fuck this, you can have sex with me and sleep in my bed and get blow jobs, and I can’t even ask you what we “are” for fear of making you too uncomfortable? I mean, when you look at it like that, you can really see how ridiculous it is. And it kills me that the majority of us women have such a submissive mindset in that regard—always afraid of waking that delicate, sleeping dragon. We’d rather just hurt internally than cause a disruption, and it’s totally unhealthy.

 I’d made a few attempts to bring it up to him before I actually did it; I just kept pussying out. Back then he’d come over late, we’d watch TV, sleep together, and then he’d be out the door the next morning—I kept debating whether I should bring up DTR before we had sex or after, in pillow-talk mode. I knew that regardless, the conversation would probably be pretty painful and awkward, and that discussing it beforehand would most likely ruin any sexual mood (and let’s be honest, the sex was my favorite part back then so I definitely didn’t wanna fuck that up). Then again, if he told me something hurtful right after having sex, I might feel even more cheap and used. And that’s another thing most men don't realize about this treacherous process for us; while they’re just getting their rocks off, they have no idea how emotionally torn apart we get. They don’t know that we can feel degraded or like whores when we’re unsure of what the relationship means to them, because to them casual sex usually evokes the complete opposite reaction.

 As it turns out, the DTR conversation was one we ended up discussing quite a few times before it actually led somewhere or got defined. If I remember correctly the first time I brought it up was post-sex, when we were just chilling in my bed. I’d spent the prior few hours trying to muster up the courage and internally practicing my casual approach. There’s no casual way to bring it up though—no matter how you formulate the question, alarm bells are gonna go off in dudes head. Even the classic “Sooo…I was wondering…” can send a man running for the hills. They know what’s coming next. Very rarely in the history of the universe has a woman finished that sentence with, “Sooo…I was wondering…can I suck your dick for 45 minutes?” Nah, more often than not what follows is something along the lines of, “We’ve been messing around for months now, and I’m not trying to make things weird, but I’m just curious—what are we right now?” I tried to be a bit smoother, but I think I ended up coming off aggressive instead. Of course I can’t recall what I said word for word, but in a vague nutshell—“Are we just fucking or…?”

 While my delivery certainly wasn’t perfect, his response (though expected) was a lot more distressing, at least in my opinion. “We’re chilling.” Now to me, that right there is the perfect example and side-by-side comparison of how drastically different men and women really are. What had been months and months of riding through an emotional amusement park, dealing with insecurity, and questioning self-worth for me, had simply been summarized as “just chilling” for him. And even though in retrospect his response was completely insensitive, it was only way after that I realized there was no malicious intent or disrespect meant by it—for men, sometimes these things are really just that black & white.

 At first, I didn’t take it well. I tried to shrug it off like a big girl and play the whole, “That’s cool, it’s not like I want anything serious either” card. That was a lie though. And furthermore, I felt my concerns were not only emotionally justifiable, but especially significant in terms of being healthy and safe. While I could deal with putting the whole DTR discussion on the backburner, the one thing I couldn’t look the other way about was our sexual exclusivity. When we started dating, I made a very conscious effort to not ask those tricky questions we’re so tempted to ask as women—How many chicks have you fucked? Why did you and your ex break up? Are you seeing anyone else right now? Not only do those things complicate everything (especially for jealous, overly-emotional women like me who can’t handle it) but dudes will lie to you about that shit every. single. time. so there’s really no point in prying into it. Unless you’re sleeping with a saint or very late bloomer, no dude is ever going to honestly tell you how many women he’s slept with off the bat. But that’s fine because women do the exact same shit.

 So while I didn’t ask those questions (and still never have), I refused to shrink down below my own moral standards and just be that girl who turned a blind eye/ear. It’s so hard to get that kind of clarity in the moment—when you’re so fucking overcome with lust and good dick and late-night giggles that you’re willing to be a weaker version of yourself just out of fear of losing them. But after several DTR and “sexual exclusivity” conversations, I finally got that clarity. Asking him was like pulling teeth—he’d immediately get all tense and uncomfortable and say something like, “Oh man…” followed by a deep sigh. I was sick of feeling like a fool, and most of all, I was sick of feeling like I wasn’t good enough for him to want to claim me as his.

 It actually took quite a toll on me, even for just a brief period of time. He was in la-la­ land, clueless to all of it, but once again, what men don’t realize in these situations is that for women, everything is a domino effect. Him not wanting me to be his girlfriend made me feel like I wasn’t the kind of girl he wanted to be seen with. Subconsciously, everything began to butterfly—I was so stressed I couldn't eat, but then part of me thought, “This is perfect. Maybe now you’ll be thin enough for him.” And slowly but surely those sick thoughts would infiltrate my brain, laying evil little eggs all over the place. At that point, he had made a few weak attempts to assure me that I was his only squeeze, but it just wasn’t enough.

 In classic male fashion, it was only once I decided to really fall back that he snapped out of his idiotic haze. I tried to be as distant as possible, which broke my heart, but icing the shit out of his seemed like my last option. It was also the most effective—and don’t ever forget that. We females might cling on for dear life when we’re in something, but men will always be the ones to come remorsefully crawling back. Unless you did the wronging, that is.

 We'd been on a daily texting basis, but for a few days I forced myself to focus only on me and not reach out—so painful but so necessary. He would hit me up and I would try my best to shrug him off or seem busy, and after a few nights of that, I remember him asking me to a nice dinner. It seems crazy to think that everything could have changed so quickly, but somehow it was kind of just history after that. Because while I might attribute his slacking to obliviousness or male oversight, I can’t discredit the kids intelligence—he’d been playing coy, and I think once he saw me pull back, he realized it was time to stop fucking around. People will get away with what you let them—another gem to never forget.

 Looking back on how we got to that place now, I think the reason the process had been so difficult was because deep down I knew we were supposed to be together, and it killed me that he couldn't see it with the same lucidity. Or rather, I knew he could see it, he just kept sweeping it under the rug. Hanging out in public, or even watching TV on my couch, we acted so normal—platonic even—but then once we were in girly-hued solace of my bedroom, the real chemistry between us manifested itself. The way he’d touch me…those soft little rubs of the neck, or the way he’d hold my body against his while he slept, or those profoundly silent looks shared between us, muted but speaking bounds—I knew all that shit couldn't just be in my head. And even when I tried to relay it to my girlfriends, some would shake their heads at my assumed naiveté, but I knew he felt it too. I just don’t think he knew exactly what he was feeling, and as a generality, I think it always takes a bit harder for men to get there, especially when they’re 25.

 So there you have it ladies, straight from personal experience—DTR is a fucking bitch, but then again, it some ways it’s the most exciting part of a relationship. I’m one of those freaks who would rather be fatally depressed with an emotional dagger in my heart than to feel nothing, so DTR is one of those treacherously delicious situations that I believe makes you feel alive. To conclude though, the lesson to take away from this is to NOT be afraid of the DTR conversation. Yes it’s uncomfortable, yes it’s awkward—what’s more awkward is getting an STD, or realizing you’ve been fucking a total piece of shit who can’t even give you the respect of communication. Oh, and when in doubt—ice him out.

 P.S. Shout out to my boyfriend for being man enough to handle all this—I’m a fuckin’ handful.

[marriedtothemobnyc]

GIRL TALK: MERCURY RETROGRADING & LEARNING TO LOVE YOUR BODY

Hi lovelies! I know I’ve been posting a day late for the last couple of weeks, and we’ll be back to our usual Wednesday posts by next week, but I am happy to say that I’m in a much happier writing mood than I was for my last two entries. This mercury retrograding shit, man—it’s nothing to be scoffed at. Pretty much everyone I know is going through some sort of depression or chaotic pattern right now, and as much as I normally don’t play into astrological theories, this is one of those things I legitimately believe in, like the moon affecting your menstrual cycle. But while some people look at it like impending doom, I feel like it’s kind of a relief; a reassurance that you’re not actually insane, and that the powers of the universe are simply playing tricks on your mind. In fact, it seems a great majority of our problems are like menacing mental mirages; evil demons dancing around the dark oases of your brain. Like my insecurities—most of those get created out of thin air. So are they really even there?

Speaking of insecurities, I’m on a detox this week! Well, since yesterday. Nothing fancy or specific—can’t afford the $15 juices—but just trying to stay off the carbs and sweets, AKA my life. I don’t like to get into it these days, but you long-time readers know about my old body and food issues. You guys know how far I’ve come—some of you are probably just as shocked as I am. I mean, I wasn’t ever massively overweight, but I was certainly bigger than a happy body should be, and the weight issue dominoed into all other physical aspects of my life. My face looked too round and childish, and my curves hadn’t properly developed, and the kind of clothes I liked didn’t fit right, so I was always cloaked in dense oversized hoodies and the same black pants. Ugh, just the thought of being outside in the summer during those times (sweating, uncomfortable, always trying to adjust my goddamn jeans because they didn't fit right) makes me cringe. But the physical transformation is only the tip of the iceberg—it’s the mental transformation that happens at the same time that’s truly beautiful. The discovery of confidence. It’s one of the greatest things I’ve gained in the last couple of years. On some #TransformationThursday shit! That’s why I love showing off my body now, and I make absolutely no excuses for it—I used to hate this body, like full-blown loathed it. I remember grabbing my fat rolls and trying to rip them off. I remember looking at myself naked and being so upset about what I saw that I’d trash my room and go cry into a bag of cookies. I remember feeling so disgusted with who I’d become that I mentally manipulated myself, the self-proclaimed gourmande, into becoming anorexic. But that shit is all behind me now. So now it’s time to adore myself, and shower myself with kisses in the mirror, and squeeze my titties lovingly in the shower, and slap my own ass every time I walk past its juicy reflection.

 Of course, I still have bad days. In fact, right now I’m not where I’m at physically at all. I look at photos of me, svelte as fuck when I first started dating my boyfriend, just the right amount of rib showing, and I miss that. But I don’t get hung up on those things the way I used to. I haven’t stepped on a scale in months. I know my triggers, so I blissfully ignore them. It’s not about numbers right now anyway, it’s about a feeling. Honestly, I think all women have a bit of body dysmorphia in them. Some days I wake up feeling bloated, and all I see is fat, cellulite, stretch marks, and jiggle. Other days I wake up feeling like, wow, I am a woman. Look how fucking hot I am from this angle. *turns* Look how fucking hot I am from this angle! On the bad days, I just have to remind myself that a good day is around the corner. Or I just decide to take action, like I did yesterday, and force myself to focus on squats, or eating better, or whatever it may be. It's amazing the difference even one day can make, and it’s also amazing how empowering it feels when you realize that the changes you want to make, can be made. You just have to truly push yourself.

 Ugly duckling syndrome does have subconsciously long-lasting remnants though. Back to the mention of body dysmorphic tendencies, even once you’ve outgrown your young, awkward stages in life, you tend to keep some of the mentality you had during that time whether you realize it or not. Some days I see 2015 Tabatha in the mirror, other times it’s like an optical illusion with high-school me hovering over the façade. Or another example—if you follow me on Instagram, most of you have probably seen the tastefully risqué shoot I did with this awesome photographer Sais a few weeks ago. It was my first time being shot by a man, and my first time being that exposed, period, but I felt like I was in the right mental space to do it. The whole time I was posing though, I kept envisioning what the photos he was taking looked like from his angle, or would end up looking like once developed. I imagined looking bloated and very hot in the face, with flushed cheeks and sweaty strands of hair stuck to my forehead. I saw me at 15, big, brace-clad grin spread out under big red cheeks. But the photos came out amazing, and I look womanly and sensual and alluring—just how I’d like to think I look most of the time. And so I think that was actually a very important and positive moment for me: exposing myself, as emotionally reluctant as I was, and actually loving the result. This might sound silly, and I know some of you might not share my views on female nudity and sharing that publicly, but if you’re feeling shitty about yourself, or lacking that confidence, take some sexy photos of yourself. Or have a friend or your significant take them. It’s a tiny exercise that even if only shared with yourself can instantly lift your spirits. Like when you and someone have a naughty secret, and you find yourself continuously thinking about it throughout the day, smiling coyly to yourself.

 I’d never dare act like I’m a role model or someone to look up to, necessarily, but I can say with all confidence that I know what it’s like to be at an awkward, terrible stage in your life, and to feel you’ll always be stuck there and that you can’t become the person you want to be, mentally or physically, but I promise that you get past it. Teenage me would have been feeling 24-year-old me so hard, and that alone brings the biggest smile to my face. Be your own muse…

[marriedtothemobnyc]

RANTING & RAVING AKA MENTAL AERATION

Well guys, I'm feeling utterly clueless in terms of post inspiration today—try as I might to focus, my abundance of split-ends keeps winning the battle. Even after putting a little callout on Instagram and getting some great suggestions, I can't seem to make my mind latch onto anything. Not having a full-time job has really put my head in the clouds, even though you'd think all this free-time would be creatively beneficial. Instead I fuss with my hair and ignore the growing heaps of lace and fishnet strewn about my room—like a slutty hoarder. It could also be the transitioning seasons, or the moon cycles, or the OG, or my increased summer libido, causing me to pounce on my man every chance I get. Whatever it is, it’s completely hindering my writing abilities. And as much as I could try and force myself to write about something, any time I do that I feel like it comes out sounding all contrived, and I’m constantly having to go back and alter a sentence or choose a better word. I like when the words just flow out and I’m barely able to keep up with them, like having a young pit at the end of a long leash.

I thought about doing a classic Ins & Outs post since I haven’t done one of those in forever, but I find myself wanting to be less and less judgmental as I get older. Even with something as silly and small as an outfit or annoying trend; I’d rather just look the other way than criticize now sometimes. Partially because it doesn't really matter, partially because I occasionally get perspective on myself, realize I’m completely imperfect and do things just as corny, and so then making fun of someone’s stupid Pharrell hat feels hypocritical. Not to say that I don’t do it anymore—just weeding it out little by little. But, for the sake of adding meat to this entry, I suppose I could air out a few grievances…

 Like the ‘normcore’ trend which has so ravenously taken over the Internet. When did chicks dressing like middle-aged White dads become the new thing? It went from Kimye camel coats with Stan Smith’s to now every other Tumblr girl having a pair of Air LD’s (New Balances) and the floppy, (presumably pink), worn-down baseball cap to match. Or there’s the other side of Internet girl culture, where everything is Clueless-feather-pen-meets-Generation-Girl-Barbie-meets-Teen-Nick-meets-Daddy-fetish shit. Like all you bitches want first-gen Tamagotchi’s so bad. It’s crazy because even though I’m only 24, these things do make me feel old. I’m like that annoying bitch I hated back in grade school who would tell me, “You’ll understand when you’re older.”

 Oh yeah, and my other huge peeve right now—what’s up with everyone calling people MOM on the Internet?! I feel like it all started with Gaga or Lana Del Rey or some shit, but it’s one of those things along with ‘fleek’ that I just can’t stand. Someone commented that under one of my photos on IG, and I know it’s out of love so no shade, but I was honestly tempted to delete it. I get that under a flick of Madonna, or Grace Coddington, or your mother, but some of you are just throwing that shit out there too willy nilly. And I’m way too young and fly to be your mom.

 Also—and you know I’m all for honoring the female form as a means of expression—but all these IG “photographers” doing streetwear shoots and getting women to sit their bare asses on subway platforms are OD. Licking some Jordan soles in a thong fashioned from Supreme laces does not a model make you.

 Anyway, there goes my attempt and not sounding judgmental—hopefully this rant/mental aeration will help me focus on a topic that’s actually meaningful next week. It’s tough finding a good balance on here sometimes too, because as much as I want to divulge the real juicy shit going on in my life, and all those very intriguing thoughts that spend their days eating away at my mind, it’s just much too personal. Sometimes I feel like I’m just blowing up my own spot, or my boyfriend’s, or whomever’s, and that’s tricky because to me really good writing always has to be totally honest. Alright, well, there’s my bullshit for this week. Now off to eat a quarter Xan and learn to shoot better 3’s in 2K14.

[marriedtothemobnyc]

"SHE" ART EVENT IN NYC

The “She” two day charity art event is a group exhibition founded and organized by Sormeh Saei. The group work features paintings and photography by female and male artists based in NY, Rwanda, Philadelphia, Brazil and LA. The show honors women worldwide benefitting from the non-profit charity organization Women for Women International that has helped over 400,000 women worldwide escape a life of sexual violence, isolation, crisis and gender inequality. If you’re in the area this weekend, definitely swing by and check it out.

Click here to RSVP and donate.

199 Lafayette, New York NY 10012 Saturday, May 16th 6-11pm - Sunday, May 17th 1-8pm

Featuring Artists: Painters: Innocent Nkurunziza, Jay West, Knowledge Bennet, One 9, Panmela Castro, Quiana Parks, Rachid Killmani, Sheena Robinson, Sormeh Saei & Sue Tsai. Photographers: Akira Ruiz, Alana Kaloshi, Liv Hoffman, Nema Etebar, Sash, Sammy Glucksman & Pat Holbin.

[marriedtothemobnyc]

COUPLES THERAPY - WHEN BOREDOM LEADS TO BICKERING

Ciao my darlings! I just (reluctantly) got back from a mind-blowing mini-vaca to Venice, Italy, where pieces of my heart will forever lay scattered amongst the bridges and cobblestone and four-hour-long-lunch-tables—that said, I am super happy to be back. Not only to my Coco and my man and my apartment and my good ol’ stanky New York, but to you guys too. And though this week’s post actually has nothing to do with Venice, it was inspired by some behaviors I found myself displaying in the midst of missing my boyfriend. Bored and lonely after dinner in my room one night—and stewing in the frantic thought-pool caused by too much Chardonnay—I picked a fight with him over some menial detail. Something along the lines of he wasn't giving me enough attention, or at least not fast enough, and instead of rationalizing or taking a deep breath, I launched into a tirade of angry texts, bringing all sorts of unnecessary issues into the equation. WHY? If you’ve never done this at some point in your relationship, I applaud you, but then you’re also probably lying or a cyborg. Picking fights with boyfriends can happen for all sorts of reasons, from justifiable misdoings, to lack of communication, to just being plain bored (which is super bitchy but in my opinion most common of all). So being that I felt residual silliness for days after, I thought this would be the perfect topic to attempt to break down for this week’s dissection—and hopefully it’ll save a few innocent boyfriends from being wrongly lashed out on in the future. Just a few though, they’re still all guilty somehow.

We’re all emotional volcanoes in some regard; some of us are dormant and just glide over all the bullshit (like my boyfriend, who’s a Taurus), some of us are constantly simmering, with little spurts of temper shooting out every so often, and then some are constantly erupting, for better or worse. I’d say I fall delicately between the latter and the middle, occasionally very rational and mature in thought, then totally unpredictable and inconsolable in the blink of an eye. That’s why it’s so important for opposites to attract and balance out those deficits. If I were with someone equally as quick-tempered and fragile, every day would be tears and tension. It’s like the ebb and flow of a tide complimenting one another.

 But while some fights get picked out of boredom or a need to bring some spice to a dulling situation, others are like signs or red flags to be heeded, especially if the underlying cause of the fight is recurring. If you’re always getting into it over the same thing (sex, money, jealousy, insecurity, etc.), then it’s probably time to hone in a little bit deeper on that one thing and see what can be done to fix it. One of the harshest realities, however—and it’s something I’ve even had to learn to deal with myself—is when you tap into the root of that problem only to discover there’s no solution. Or that the only solution is to accept it and move on, which is extremely difficult for me to do. In the case of most repetitive arguments, until you can learn to deal with a factor that can’t be changed, it’s generally the demise of the relationship. If you’re biggest problem is money, for example, and you can never see eye to eye on it, you eventually either become blind to it or just disband altogether. But having to look the other way is never a good solution regardless.

 And though too much bickering can be corrosive to love, eating away at it over time, it can also become like a filter of sorts, skimming the toxins off the top now and again to keep the water fresh. Aside from bringing to light unknown concerns, arguments can give you perspective; uncertainty and suspense—like that little pang of horror you feel the instant you realize you might have taken it too far or pushed too hard. You feel all your pride shoved up to the top of your throat, and you say something threatening you totally don't mean at all, but that just sounds powerful in the moment, like, “Well then maybe we shouldn't be together anymore.” And as soon as those cold words leave your lips, and you see their stoic reaction, you wanna inhale them back in and just shush everything and apologize and make it right. That’s why it’s always been so hard for me to have the strong last word—I always negate it with sorrow and empathy immediately after. Women like me will kick a man out, then hold onto his leg and get dragged out with him as he leaves.

 Most of this goes back to that piece I wrote a few weeks back on overthinking, and that’s why I got so mad at myself for flipping out on my man over dumb shit while I was in Italy. There I was on this beautiful island, in this chic hotel, where I should have been having total me time and ordering room service and being lavish, and instead that overthinking got me into a negative space I should never have even treaded into. So in conclusion, I’d say the point is to really think about the “issues” at hand when you’re about to lash out emotionally—is this something you actually need to sit down and have a discussion about, or is it just unnecessary craziness triggered by a selfish need for more attention? And if you can’t find a happy medium, it’s good to find a man who likes em crazy like I did.