Hello Baby

I am newly pregnant and expecting my first wee lil' baby! This blog will be dedicated to my journey towards motherhood and a way for me to transform myself into the type of mom I want to be. This is me dedicating myself to my child, this is me learning, this is me saying "Hello baby!"

[marshmallow-song]

New Mom 101 - Co-Sleeping

So, this is my first pregnancy that I will be carrying to term. With it being my first child I have a lot of choices to make and things to consider that have never crossed my mind before.

I have no idea what I am doing!

Growing up I always knew that I wanted kids, there was never a question in my mind and you always have a vague idea of how you want to raise your children. Your ideas ebb and flow throughout the years and seeing as having a child had never before been an immediate concern I never thought about these things in particular detail. Well, now having a kid is an immediate concern and I do need to think bout these things in detail.

I still have a lot to think on, things to learn, discover what my options will be. There are as many parenting styles out there as there are stars in the sky it seems and just learning about them seems daunting let alone picking and choosing pieces to suit my personality!

I know that decisions I may make now could very well change as I have yet to formally meet this little baby growing inside me, but I believe that before the baby is born I will have at least a philosophical guideline laid out as to how I will want to raise my baby. Things may change, but for now I suppose the best I can do is educate myself on my options and go from there.

So I think the first “big” decision I’ve made is that I will be co-sleeping with my baby. More specifically, I plan on bed-sharing. I don’t even know if I have ever really heard of co-sleeping/bed-sharing before and if I have it has only been a passing notion in my brain. It is not something I had ever considered or even thought I would do before I became pregnant. I don’t know how it came to be on my radar or a thought in my head, but something clicked and all I could think was that I wanted to have my baby in bed with me.

The idea just felt absolutely right and natural. To my mind and my heart it just made perfect sense to have the baby spend the nights with me. I plan on breastfeeding (to my mind - why wouldn’t I plan on that?) and it just makes sense from a practical perspective and a bonding perspective to snuggle my baby all through the night. I have no partner with whom I need to share or consider space with, so the decision is all mine.

I had one friend who seemed vehemently against this, even though the reasoning didn’t really make sense for me. So I decided to look into it further. Now, let me be clear - when it comes to health and safety I 100% will NOT be getting the information I will use to make my decisions from blogs or op-eds. I see too much of this with people who are anti-vax and I absolutely refuse to be that person. Which, if we’re being fair, it’s hard to find peer-reviewed research on Google.

Finally I discovered Dr James McKenna and his website http://cosleeping.nd.edu/ . What I love about this is he is not advocating for bed-sharing (though he believes it can be very beneficial), he’s not trying to sell you anything - he’s trying to educate people on how to bed-share safely. The “do’s and don’t’s” should bed-sharing be your choice. His research (that he has been working on for 20 years) is there for all to see with citations made clear and open.

There’s no need for me to get into his research here as his website is easy and clean with more information than I could possibly fit in this post. So if you happen to be interested in co-sleeping/bed-sharing I would highly recommend you take a look at his website - the FAQ section in particular is very informative.

[marshmallow-song]

New Mommy 101 - All the Things They Don’t Tell Ya

So, this is my first pregnancy that I will be carrying to term. This whole experience is very new to me and when I found out I was pregnant and subsequently decided to keep the baby, I was struck with,  “I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I AM DOING OR WHAT TO EXPECT!”

Well, so far, this has been my experience: I have had a pretty damn easy pregnancy. Like. So. Freaking. Easy. And I consider myself so lucky. I have been pregnant before and I did choose to have an abortion. So I am basing my luck with this pregnancy very much off of how terrible that one was for me. I could barely walk myself five feet to the kitchen to grab myself an apple without having to sit down and take a break for about  five minutes before I could make my way back to the living room. I was so beyond weak and winded all the time. I was constantly out of breath and light headed, I couldn’t handle smells and all and threw up constantly. I felt like death. I was so scared to get pregnant again for fear of having to feel that horribly. I don’t know if I have ever felt physically worse in my life than I did then.

So yes, I know from first hand experience how insanely lucky I am that this pregnancy has been a breeze! In my first trimester I would get winded with stairs, but otherwise felt okay. I dry heaved a few times and I think I threw up only twice, and I was extra sleepy. At least 8-10 hour sleeps at night with a 3-4 hour nap during the day (which did NOT affect my 8-10 hour sleep through the night). Once I hit my second trimester it was like I wasn’t even pregnant anymore! My energy levels are totally normal and even at 19 weeks I’m not showing (unless I point it out and make it very obvious for others - I see a small change in myself but only because I am intimately aware of my own body).

Some of the things I have noticed though - which I never, ever considered to be a part of pregnancy, include:

-Gas: it can feel like my stomach is a balloon just FILLING TO BREAKING with air. It is incredibly uncomfortable when it happens. All I want to do is burp, burp, burp but the gas just sits there, hating me.

-Numbness: never in my life have I had pins and needles so often. My forearms fall asleep all the time if they are bent for any sort of length of time. My legs fall asleep if I keep them at an angle (angles I am normally able to keep them at). Even my vagina falls asleep on me on a regular basis if I’m sitting on a hard surface (THIS IS THE WORST!!!! Just. No thank you).

-Itchiness: My tummy has not been that bad as of yet, though I do catch myself scratching from time to time (don’t do that! It will increase your odds of stretch marks - how? I have no idea, but that’s what I’ve been told). My boobs get the worst of it. They are constantly itchy and my nipples even more so (I know - fun visual - but it needs to be said). It is just super uncomfortable and you look like a weirdo if you scratch your bewbs in public. Like, it’s just weird. This pregnancy side effect bugs me the most as it is the most constant.

One thing that I have really enjoyed so far, however, is feeling my baby move. For some reason I only ever equated baby moving with giant belly so it totally surprised me when I felt baby kicking at around 17 weeks. At first I thought it was just a muscle twitch in my stomach, then it dawned on me that I have NEVER had a muscle twitch in my stomach and that it must be baby!

It is by far my most favorite thing that has happened so far. Feeling baby is what really helped me connect tot he idea of being pregnant, it has been what has helped me connect with my baby. Every movement my baby makes melts my heart more and more. I just cannot get enough. Each passing day makes me happier and happier, more and more excited.

I love this baby.

[marshmallow-song]

Open Letter to My Baby

Hello baby! I just really want you to know how much I love you. Your conception threw my life into disarray (even more than it had already been - your mama has a hard time getting settled). I didn't know how I was going to handle life. Becoming pregnant accidentally while being transient and single is not something I had ever planned for, so I felt at a loss. I wanted to be excited, but I was so worried about how I would support you and how I would be able to raise you on my own, that I had no emotional space left to feel excited. Not only that, but since the pregnancy has been so easy (you sweet, lovely child you!) that it has almost become an abstract concept that I couldn't relate to - despite knowinf that I was, in fact, pregnant. But now we're a few months in and life has been settling into place. I'm working and mom and dad live around the corner and I have amazing friends and family to support me. Even though you turned my life upside down, you have given me a sense of direction and purpose that I don't believe I have ever had before. My real excitement began to kick in when I felt you move for the first time in my 17th week. This is when pregnancy stopped being an abstract idea and became real to me. I had seen you at 10 weeks and heard your heartbeat at 13 weeks and both were huge, emotional moments for me - but they were a singukar point in time. Feeling you move was and continues to be a regular event. I feel you all the time and with each kick and flutter I love you even more. There is nothing in this world right now that makes me happier than knowing you're here with me. To think that only weeks ago I was afraid, that you were an abstract concept I couldn't fully understand baffles my mind. To compare me of that time with me now, feeling this love for you that is truly indescribable, it is something I almost can't even comprehend. I know, as a parent you are supposed to love your child, amd I always knew I would love my future children, but I could never have prepared for this. It makes me cry. This emotion, this love, this joy, this excitement is almost too much. I know now, in this very moment, that I will never be in need of anything more than you. You are my purpose, you are my light and my soul, you are my happiness. Words will always be inadequate. Saying "I love you" will never be enough. I promise you, my little baby, I promise you my life. I promise you my love. I promise to be kind, I promise to be fair and just, I promise to always be a better me - for you. Baby, I love you so much. I love you. Forever, I will love you. <3

[marshmallow-song]

[marshmallow-song]

The Judgmental Mommy

So I’m just going to stream of consciousness this post a little bit. 

There is a general perception that mothers are incredibly judgmental of other mothers. I am not sure if this will be my experience. The only people who know I am pregnant so far are my friends and family and I do not really expect a tonne of judgement coming my way from those people. I am, however, a little nervous about when my pregnancy becomes obvious to outsiders.

I’m nervous for a few reasons. First off - I have no tolerance for strangers coming up and thinking it’s okay to touch me without asking. I have have friends who have dealt with this and others who didn't come across that behavior much while pregnant - but let me tell you I have no problem telling a little old lady to f*** off if she touches me without asking if it is okay. I would very much prefer to not get angry and upset while pregnant. I want to stay happy and positive so I am hoping I do not get much of this.

Beyond the uninvited feeling up of my body, I am a little nervous that other people will be very judgmental. Again, I do not know if this will be my experience and I have a feeling, much like feminism, new moms get a bad rap. I am really hoping that despite the inevitable difference in opinions on parenting, that I will have awesome, positive experiences with other parents and be able to learn and grow from each other.

I know I have very strong opinions on many issues, so this isn’t just about other moms being judgmental of me - it’s about me being able to disconnect from my opinion enough to accept that others will choose to deal with parenting differently than I will and that sometimes that is okay.

[marshmallow-song]

I Take Care of the Needs of My Child and Make Sure They’re Always Happy

I think this is probably the most obvious job a mother has while raising a child. This seed has many variables and will overlap with many (if not all) of my other seeds and there is no possible way I could do everything the “right way” all the time. In many ways I believe I am all ready well on my way to taking care of the needs of my child and doing what I can do to make them happy.

For one, I am actively keeping this blog (and a journal - written to my unborn child as both a keepsake for them and a memory for me) as a means to connect with my baby and to continuously self-reflect. I want to be the type of my every child deserves.

I know that I cannot possible plan for every happenstance and will need to be able to adapt to each situation as it comes, as well as my child’s personality and moods. What I can do is work on improving my life and myself; I can work on ensuring that my behavior and moods are consistent and positive.

I will continue to self-reflect and go through both my personal and mommy seed lists. To better myself is to be better as a person and a mother.

I am also in the process of upgrading some courses so I can apply to go to school to for Diagnostic Medical Sonography (ie: ultrasound technician). I need to be able to provide as a single mother and in order to do that I need to set myself up in a good career. This is one of the single best ways I can help take care of my baby’s needs and help keep them happy.

Of course, keeping my baby’s needs met and keeping them happy is not mutually exclusive with spoiling them - though I do have a seed dedicated to this issue. My goal as a mother is to provide my child with the opportunity to be a stable, positive, happy person and the only way to truly be able to do that is to help them help themselves.

[marshmallow-song]

The Thinker. Maybe baby will grow up to be a scientist? At very least a science enthusiast I hope! Had an AMAZING time see you yesterday baby!

[marshmallow-song]

I Always Pay Attention to What My Child Says and Give a Thoughtful Response

This seed strikes me as particularly important. I think that it can become all to easy to drown out your child or become too entrenched in your own thoughts and feelings and forget that your child is a person too - a mini human with thoughts and feelings no less important than your own. The ability to be able to listen to your child is not one that comes easily.

To be able to discern the meanings behind my baby’s actions is something that I know will be incredibly important for our communication. If my child is acting up, what is the reason for it? What are they trying to tell me that I’m not seeing at face value? Regardless of whether or not I know the reason behind the misbehavior, it is unlikely that frustrated words and/or energies will help solve the issue. Rather than scold my child would it not be better to show them love?

The quintissential example of this situation happened while I was visiting with a good friend if mine. Her toddler was having what appeared to be the biggest meltdown of her little life. Both my friend and I were stunned and felt at a loss - there didn’t seem to be any consoling the little one, no way to calm her down. She just wasn’t having any of it. She screamed and screamed and in my helplessness I felt my frustration growing.

That is when, despite how chaotic all three of us felt, my friend's demeanor changed. Almost instantly she went from flabbergasted and frantic to calm, empathetic. She slowed right down, went to her baby and just held her close. The shift in energy in her child was almost instant. The screaming downgraded to sniffles and in no time she was returning her mother’s embrace, entirely relaxed.

Not only was this a beautiful moment, but it was one that struck me as powerful and poignant.

How many parents would have seen anything but a misbehaving child? How many would have let their frustrations transform them into a cold disciplinarian?

What I witnessed that day was not a mother  reacting to the actions of her child - but a mother listening to what her child was unable to communicate through words. This will forever be a fierce example of what listening to your child and responding thoughtfully truly means.

There will be times before my child is capable of language where I will need to discearn the underlying cause of my baby’s actions and where I will need to be capable of responding in a thoughtful and positive way. Eventually, we will be able to communicate with words and I hope that I will be able to follow the example of honest, kind, and compassionate discussion that my own parents have set throughout my lifetime.

Baby, I promise you I will do my best to make you feel heard.

I love you baby!

[marshmallow-song]

I Love and Respect my Child as Much as I Love and Respect Myself

Item #1 on my Mommy Seed List! This seed is one that could very easily turn negative rather than positive if I am not careful. The outcome of this seed all depends on my ability to love and respect myself to a high enough degree that it will be a benefit to you baby, rather than a disadvantage.

Everyone has, at one time or another, been on the receiving end of the adage "you can't love others unless you first love yourself". This is very much relevant when it comes to this seed and how capable I will be of giving you love. If I am unable to love and respect myself how could I possibly provide you with the love and respect you deserve?

I must first be able to guantee that I am able to care for myself. Caring for myself will manifest in a multitude of ways. First and foremost I need to continue my self-reflection and being a more positive, fulfilled version of myself. I will do this by continuing my other journal/blog project where I work through my personal Seed List. I will continue to work through and past my negative experiences and characteristics - as a mom with less emotional baggage and negativity will have more time and energy (of the positive variety) to spend on her child - namely you!

I also need to focus on being a more healthy, active person. While I do love my indoor and lazy day activities, I feel recharged by nature. I live in the most gorgeous place on Earth with the ocean, forest, and mountains right outside my door. It takes nothing to step outside and take advantage of my good fortune. Not only that, but I have amazing friends and family who are always more than happy to join in on an adventure.

Yoga is another way I can help maintain this goal of being active and healthy for you. Not only is it a great workout and stretch, but it is relaxing and meditative as well. I am trying tondo my best to reduce my worry, stress, and anxiety and I cannot think of a better way to do that than yoga.

Other ways I will practice creating a better me in order to love you better is to work towards finishing my education. After bills this should be my top priority.

Being a better version of me is the very best way for me to be able to love you to the fullest.

I love you baby!

[marshmallow-song]

[marshmallow-song]

March 7, 2015

Hello baby! So while this journal is meant to document my journey through pregnancy with you, I also want to use it as a way to communicate with you and for us to connect. I will use this as a tool for me to discover and affirm the type of mother I want to be.

This means that amongst my entries of doctors visits, how I feel physically and emotionally - there will also be entries where I discuss affirmations on my "Mommy Seed List". These affirmations or "Seeds" will all be in regards to how I want to parent and what I will need to do to achieve them for you.

I want to be the best mom I can be and that starts now.

~Mommy Seed List~

-I love and respect my child as I love and respect myself

-I always pay attention and listen to my what my child says and will always give them a thoughtful response

-I take care of the needs of my child and see that they are always happy

-I understand that my child is an individual and I will give them space to express their individuality

-I will not force my child to conform to gender norms and will love and respect them regardless of gender or sexuality

-I will teach my child to respect people of differing cultures, gender identity, ethnicity, and sexuality

-I will teach my child to think critically and to question authority - this includes me

-I take an active interest in my childs studies and help guide them whenever possible

-I strive for my child to be well rounded and will encourage their talents and interests

-I will strive to see the world through my child's eyes and appreciate it anew with them

-I will encourage my child to be curious and help them maintain their joy and wonder of our world

-I tell my child I love them daily as well as always proving so via my actions

-I will always be honest with my child

- I will never make my child feel judged

-I will create an open amd loving environment that will encourage (but not force) my child to want to confide in me

-I will always maintain a sex positive attitude and use proper, scientific terms and facts when discussing the body and sex education, as well as making sure they know where to find the information themselves should they be uncomfortable discussing sex with me

-I will never hit my child as a form of discipline

-I will always do my best to maintain a calm demeanor when upset

-I will not be afraid or too proud to apologize to my child

-My child is my equal in value, though not life experience and I will treat them as such

-My child's thoughts and feelings carry weight and value and I will respect them

-I will not over indulge my child

This is by no means an exhaustive list - but for now a great place to start! One by one I will go through these and explore how I plan to make each seed a reality for you!

I love you baby!