Maru

Welcome to my mind. I write poetry and pieces for myself. I also draw, instagram: @maruendz

[maruendz]

This poor body of mine which I've shown nothing but neglect.

In an imperfect world why must I have to be perfect?

Why should I care?

All their words, but not one is fair.

Those words shouldn't matter.

They're all just fools who know nothing but to play "follow the leader".

I refuse to be a part of that pack,

Their unrealistic standards are enough to make a girl's heart crack.

Why must you care for the "desirable" features I lack?

Why judge my unique features?

Is it because you're a crowd of jealous leachers?

Having nothing better to do other than to bring me down,

You can't cause these beautiful lips of mine to frown.

I don't need your useless validation,

I am a beautiful woman of man's creation.

I am human,

Bound to the strings of this imperfect world of man.

[maruendz]

This picture of my side profile made me fall in love with it holy shit

[maruendz]

I went outside, don't know why but I stumbled upon something beautiful, something magnificent which I'd long forgotten my dear love for, the stars. The stars are back, illuminating the dark sky. Every dot, far off in the distance but an admirable sight to see. It reminded me of the summer nights where I'd lay on the ground for long minutes to hours, music playing in the background, watching them. I couldn't make out the constellations, but they reminded me how small everything really is. How my existence is so little, almost nothing to this universe, and my problems even less. My worries would drift off, knowing that I'm this small human in a world of limitless beauty. I would think to myself, "why should I spend my time worrying over these troubles in my life which come and go, along with those that have lasted as well?" Worthless. They're all worthless. The life I own is priceless but the troubles I choose to carry along with it have no worth. In the grand scheme of things, I'm going to die, you're going to die, we're all going to die. Whether or not you choose to realize it, it's the truth of it all. I'd rather die bearing no restrictions, knowing I allowed myself to exist freely, free from this cage. Such simple things, stars, and such immense thoughts formed because of them. I'd like to go stargazing again, even if there isn't anyone besides me, maybe someone far off is doing the same, or not.

Maybe one day it won't be just me.

I saw the dipper btw :)

[maruendz]

I just came back from running in the snow. I originally went out because I thought it was pretty but in my mind I thought that it would be far too cold to stay out and that it would only be a quick moment. But no, I don't know what came over me but once I saw the trees, how beautiful the world had looked covered in endless snow. I ran. I ran as fast as I could into the wilderness, into the trees. And then, thats when I had truly felt free again. The forest was covered in fresh snow, not a foreign footstep in sight, only mine. I felt so alone, but in the best way possible. I was in a place of no judgment. No one could see me or even know of my existence. It was just her and I. The first gasp of air I took, it soon felt like a sigh. A sigh of all my troubles vanishing. I felt so happy. I was so happy. It all was so beautiful, I could cry of happiness, I will. The same emotion overtook again, and I ran once again. Through the woods, through the snow. The snowflakes hitting my face, such delicate things, unique to themselves. I felt like a snowflake. I was my true self, no one could replicate my being. No one but I was able to experience this moment. I fell in love with myself, again. Her laughs of freedom while running, they were so pure, she was genuinely happy! She had no fear within her, confident in the fact that she was alone. But soon as a human, she snapped out of her distant mind and felt the chill of winter. It was now time to return home. She bid her farewell to the nature that brought her this joy and took one last glance at the gray sky, then shut the door.

[maruendz]

She was happy.

Happy to be out in the sun

Happy to be confident

Happy to dream

Happy to escape

Happy to be alive

Happy to be proud of herself

But why is she no longer happy?

Why does she deserve a "sorry?"

She loved mornings but, now barely manages to wake

is this a result of her mistake?

The mistake of disregard

The mistake of not trying

The mistake of stopping

The mistake of giving up

The mistake of relapsing.

But is it really her fault?

Crying till all she could taste was salt.

Betrayed by the life she worked so hard to sustain,

Now it brings nothing but pain.

Why remaining happy so complex?

Would she have tried if she knew the effects?

What she did:

She'd sigh,

She'd deny,

She'd lie,

She'd cry,

She'd ask, why?

What she should've done:

Try.

She began to question who was really in control,

Was it herself or something but her soul?

Falling once again into insanity,

Where did it go? Her sense in vanity.

Gone without a trace,

Her confidence is nothing to embrace

A beautiful lie I should say,

Maybe she should run away.

I mean, it all could be done with a knife,

Yknow, a trip to the afterlife.

NO, never mention that thought,

Are you really going to give up to something you've already fought?!

Remember what we achieved,

Remember how you felt so relieved.

We can win again,

Just like how we did back then.

Your strength is true,

I believe in you.

[maruendz]

Am I still lying?

I thought I was just trying

To be real.

But is this how I really feel?

Why is it such a big deal?

Your life.

All this strife.

I dont understand it.

I just want to fit,

Is it impossible to be normal?

Do I still have to be formal?

Mother are you listening?

Can I enjoy this life of a "blessing."

Can I just be myself?

My name, ______, who is she?

That happy girl filled with generosity,

Or that girl with thoughts of blasphemy.

Oh please I ask of you, who is this girl named _____.

[maruendz]

For every ten things I do great, I make one mistake.

Why do you only focus on my wrongs, for fucks sake?

All my efforts to be my best for what? For you to go put me to shame?

Do you think before you point the blame?

Can't you tell the difference between wrong and right?

Your words have me considering starting a fight.

You're lucky I have a mind with urges it resists,

Your face is something I loathe to miss.

I'd rather display a smile,

Though, the fury I feel is absolutely vile.

I hate you,

No kidding, I honestly do.

[maruendz]

You must do everything in haste

Making sure none of your time goes to waste

You must no longer eat

Because you know you will retreat.

You must eradicate all stress

Knowing it will cease your mind's depress

You must grasp happiness

Understanding there's no return from darkness

You must always be powerful

Showing no signs of being doubtful

You must remain you

Before the thoughts of them come through.

-

But why do all this?

Is there something that you miss?

A person or a place,

Maybe lost far out in space?

Why not grab a lending hand?

I am aware that is something you cannot stand.

But why not try,

Maybe this time they won't lie.

Maybe they'll be loyal

Without another betrayal

-

No, I refuse.

I won't get caught up and take the blame

It had always ended in shame

I'd rather be on my own

It's far better than my emotions being thrown

I can only trust myself

But why are you questioning me? Go on, worry about yourself.

[maruendz]

Life's been great,

Really.

But sadly a new chapter has begun where I can no longer control my fate.

The world had finally become bright,

My fogged eyes cleared and so I could finally see light.

The joy from seeing all their lovely faces,

Will now be gone without leaving any traces.

Do I really have to go through this again, is there nothing I can do to make it stop?

Do I have to continue this cycle once again, maybe this time until I drop?

Will I ever come to acceptance?

I truly was blessed to be in your presence.

There is nothing more that I can do,

Maybe my prayers of hope will pull through.

Until then I will enjoy every last moment,

Before my mind turns to its inevitable lament.

[maruendz]

Why do I feel so bad

I'm sad.

Why.

I thought this was all over

I thought this was the end.

Why cant it stop

Will all this madness continue until I drop?

No.

I dont want to continue this any longer

Why can't I just be stronger

Why am I so weak

Why am I letting my emotions leak

Why.

Why.

WHY.

Time to cry?

No.

I rather not accept it but I just want to die.

[maruendz]

I'll stay here, forever alone

My name, no longer known

I don't remember who I am

I just do whatever I can

Where am I?

Who am I?

These questions fogging up my mind

As I sit here trying to be kind

I just dont want to lie

Why cant I just die?

I just

Want to disappear

Somewhere far away from here.

A new name a new life

I just want to escape this damned fate.

[maruendz]

Have I really lost my right to sleep?

Why are these thoughts so deep.

A flooded mind with no spark of shine

But why do I still say it's all truly "fine."

I'm not happy but I'm not sad,

This mix of emotion, it just feels all so bad.

My escape to inner peace has been clogged,

Causing my thoughts to become messy and fogged.

What do I really want here?

Is there something that I truly fear?

My lies of joy,

Or the truth of being a toy.

If only i could explain

But I'm sorry its not that simple and plain.

I just want to sleep.

To be far away and run from this reality,

This life is nothing but a tragedy.

[maruendz]

Oh how I love this life filled of sorrow and hate,

I guess it's time to accept my fate.

But I do not wish to further cry,

My soul's not ready to end and die.

If only I could possibly be free,

Thoughts of willing to flee,

From this world and this life.

For this fate of mine to change it's course,

No please do not continue with force.

I suppose the last thing to change my path,

Is to start anew and and this wrath.

[maruendz]

I'm gonna do a poetry dump