salam,

"and when i looked for you, i found you, but you lost me." he/him.

[mashrou7-blog]

goodbye, officially

i didnt know how else to do it, so i think im just going to write everything out in the hopes that i can let go

i have been on tumblr for a good portion of my life, switching accounts mostly because i had not logged on for a while or just changed myself.

this place has been my home since i can remember. there is a painful, nostalgic feeling to this website and its users. and that pain, the memories, are holding me back and anchoring me from being myself. i cannot let go, but i hope that i will someday.

this website shaped me, when i was nothing this website gave me something to be. and thats all i knew, i never grew up because of it and now face extreme identity issues and maturity stunts because i had grown into something that i now am not a part of.

i cut myself off from the only thing keeping me “myself” or what i thought i knew. i do not know who i am, and i feel incredibly empty. there is too much pain, pain with everything that i had once and have now lost. this website, old friends/mutuals, etc. i lost everything and it feels right at times, but i forgot how to grow, i never learned because i was following whatever was on this site since i was probably 10. i am now 15 and completely lost, this website only supported me when i was using it.

now im gone and ive lost everything that i thought i was

i dont know who i am, and truthfully even when i thought i did, i didnt.

if this is growing up, then fuck me because this shit is painful.

i miss my old friends, especially hawke and others, but im trying to leave everything behind, im trying to grow into what i really am. i miss late night conversations and browsing, i miss laughs and all the rest. but looking back everything is so painful now, but i dont know how to let go to the memories. i will never forget, but i want the pain to stop. i need to let what i was shift, to die, to change, to stay in the past. but there is a yearning of familiarity and its burns me. i am alone now but i chose being alone to what i was before. i always loved you all, and throughout my entire process of letting go i have never forgotten any of you. as much as i wish i could, how easy it would be to unchain myself if i could forget, but i never will.

tumblr completely destroyed me, fucked my brain up, and i dont think i will ever recover from what i lost and became. i want this post, my last post, to be the thing that lets me go, lets tumblr go, lets old friends go, lets go people that i will never know again. the temptation to keep this tumblr going, check any responses, etc. is painful as well, everything is painful. but i am hopeful, that one day i can truly be happy, let these memories become my past that is long gone and not a lifestyle that i crave like an addiction. i want to grow, and tumblr never let me do that. 

i was too afraid to form my own opinions, too afraid to question the things that i was fed, but you will all be the people that ruled my early teenage years, were the only thing on my mind. i miss all of you, i always will, but maybe i can let go one day.

i will become myself, i will be myself. this website was the only family i had growing up, the only support. but i am growing now, and im moving on.

goodbye, officially.

[relentless-soul]

[aa-rzi-deactivated20160119]

[merriweatherpostpavilion]

[dazeylo]

I was a romantic and sentimental creature, with a tendency towards solitude.

Isabel Allende, The House of the Spirits  (via africugh)

[cerasiferae-deactivated20160620]

[mashrou7-blog]

white art hoe fashion: rich people acting like they shop at goodwill

[fatubalilghuraba-deactivated201]

لَا تَخَافَآ  ۖ  إِنَّنِى مَعَكُمَآ Don’t fear, I am with you.

Allah ﷻ, Qur’an 20:46 (via nomorethanhome)

[thegreaterjihad]

Remember your akhira in your duas. Yes grades, your future spouse, your family your friends, and your temporary safety, health, and happiness are all incredibly important, but keep in mind that we are living this life only to perish. So don’t forget, ever, to ask for jannah (paradise) in your duas for you and those your love. Because that’s the dua you really want granted.

[ibtasem-deactivated20160330]

I am not yours, I am not even mine, I only belong to Allah.

[koubuchi-deactivated20160616]

The Holy Ka'aba

[socialist-anxiety]

A social construct is “real,” in the sense that it exists as a historical/material/social force, and also “fake,” in the sense that, despite its material impact, it has no logical basis, it’s just something the ruling class contrived to justify fucking the rest of us over.

[sourcefieldmix-deactivated20160]

[mashrou7-blog]

its only friday and i want to die !

[mariagudjohnsen]

[brainstatic]

In Fallout 4, the sound of power generators can cause unhappiness if they’re too close to people. These little ingrates, who would be wallowing in radioactive filth if not for me, are unhappy with the infinite electricity machines I built from raw garbage because of the noise they make. Fuck these little assholes, go die someplace where your precious ears won’t be perturbed by the sound of my miracles. 

[kiranerys-deactivated20211227]

There’s someone out there who every day lives with the secret knowledge that they are the author of My Immortal.