Basically pinkcru5ade stroking her beard...

[massivetragedyblizzard]

11/5/2025

We fuck and you put this down in your case files. We fuck and I shower. I eat. I write about virginity and not about you. We fuck and you make a star chart. We fuck and I take walks. I go to class. You know I'm a [the] cancer. You disagree. Hey. It's funny. Laugh! Laugh because it'll help you when this implodes. I thought *I'd* be the starstruck one. You've been getting girls in your bed since 12 but I'm the nonchalant one? You know I don't care. I mean I do, you say it all the time. Do I? I extend the mic to our live studio audience. They'll never know. Only me and only you.

Which of us will die, drugs in our veins? Me? Lean into the mic before you answer - they need to hear this. Who?

I joke about narcotics, and you've seen them. You work in hospitals and I stay in them. My heart, thinning, and your hands on a scalpel taking a look. Your days working and my days starving myself out. Your visa and my appointment with the bathroom floor. I'm curled on *your* floor, knees to chest, covers over my body. I'm curled in pain, waking with cramps, walking and hoping I don't pass out, and you're whispering in my ear.

I'm so hot? I'm perfect how I am? This isn't me. This is me dying, trying to make myself holier. But keep going. This is how you know me: hot and tragic. You won't see me in a week, head over a bowl, tears down my cheeks, snot in my nose. You didn't see me, repulsive to my friends, chest stripped of flesh.

[massivetragedyblizzard]

19/12/2024 "So much for stardust"

-------------------------------

I think 'the hangover' is close as I'll get to you, bitching over shot choices and laughing at fart jokes. You know how to flirt and I know how to argue: close the fuck enough.

There is no better education than a dark backseat and no better excuse than 'cold' for holding hands when you can't justify it as friends.

There's no way to be discreet when our 'plans' are a couch and my body but whatever: you can call it boredom when you ask and I'll call it the heat when I take my sweater off for you.

[callese]

refseek.com

www.worldcat.org/

link.springer.com

http://bioline.org.br/

repec.org

science.gov

pdfdrive.com

[growing-yet-into-magic]

Worldcat is my bestie and my one true love!! Not only does it tell you what library a book is at, but it also price compares different used book sites against each other for easy view! It's how I got Tarot For the Master for $10!!

[growing-yet-into-magic]

Oh, and since I have your attention: z-library (books and textbooks) and sci-hub (gatekept scientific journal articles.) I just ripped a textbook for class off z-library and snatched a required reading from sci-hub. Life is good and education should be accessible at every stage and station of life.

[mckitterick]

information wants to be free

[birdsareblooming]

sometimes i feel like im climing up this incline again alone but thankully sisypus and the itsy bitsy spider and here with me

[birdsareblooming]

holy shit is that kate bush

[massivetragedyblizzard]

4/8/2025

every day here i get ready, put on my headphones, and walk from the metro to the centre. i watch the planes take off and land at reagan, and i watch as they speed away, train barrelling into the trees. i feel sweat on my neck, under my tits, in the pores of my face, and i walk right by the bus stops, gesturing for the driver to move on. i sign my name like elementary attendance sheets and put my bag in my cubby like my highschool locker and take out my pencil like im taking notes. i am a good psych patient. i work the puzzle obsessively, i speak in every session, and i strive to make providers laugh. i make conversation at the table and am honest on surveys. i am not afraid to say 'suicide' and i try to give good advice to group-mates. i take my meds. i get my vitals taken, standing on the scale with my back as straight as i can make it, laying with the cuff digging into my arm, thinking of all the needles. what i mean by this is- what i mean by this is i still spend hours in pacing the supermarket and i still hurl and i still feel the stagnation stuck like sweat on my skin. i still feel like a complete mess, and i am terrified. i am terrified. i am terrified. what i mean by this is-

[massivetragedyblizzard]

found some shit from november (11/2024) that I like the look of. old work but good work (I think):

"Bend bend bend but not a break. Yet. My bones are brittle nowadays, but my back still performs backbends and my hips still stretch to a split. My hands are still thinner than I know what to do with, but the scar on my pointer stays in place. I painted my nails. I shoved them down my throat. I did my laundry. I languished in a fresh bed with smeared makeup. I cleaned the bathroom, and now I’m doing my best to keep the statement simple. I. cleaned. The. bathroom. Nothing more? I hope so.

I have eaten cereal boxes in an hour and I have written essays in the same amount. I am a stranger in a city of sterile columns and I am a friend in a city of curiosity. I see art in the world and my breathing stops for a minute while my mind catches up. I resume with vigor and I resume with love. 

If life is a sludge of bad moods and bad bass transitions and untasting mouths and untouched bodies, life must also be jazz room joy and new albums and new foods and lined eyes. I am a ball of flesh but I stay rolling. If there is a slope to hell I must feel the rushing wind as I slide down."

[massivetragedyblizzard]

reflecting but gamers its been sad

3/8/2025

the memory of being so young and so fucked up will never get out from you. not from your mind but from the way that you act about work and school and friends and everything. you get out and you feel like a rabbit with their foot still in the trap, a mile away hopping three legged, alive but lesser. you have the cred - the one that got out, the one coming home to a burrow, but you will never walk the same. for years after, every choice feels like a knife in a robbers hand in an alley - you dont know if they have it, but you cant act like they dont or you could end up bleeding out in the backstreets. for years, you will not trust a good day, always remembering the last relapse, the foods that had you bent over a toilet, the nights you woke up starving, the days you spent in a haze of depression, daydreaming about death before school before dance before art before friends before sleep before brushing your teeth before moving your covers to get out of bed. for years you will feel haunted, remembering your past better than it was, reading journal entries and seeing how profoundly miserable it feels like you have always been. you will see pictures of a young you and see her as a different girl. a different child. a different soul in a different body, a body that never went through high school and being sexless for two years and being cold in what were supposed to be the best of times and being winded at your hobbies and being on your bedroom floor sobbing and crying at your father when your hiccups drew him to your door, being on the curb of a suburb at 10 pm, stopped by a kind father who saw you when driving by and knows nothing but that your eyes were yearning for death and he needs you to go home, and being on a bridge over familiar rivers watching your hometown pass, thinking of all the reasons you need to live so that you dont just hop over.

[massivetragedyblizzard]

current wip

You must think I'm higher up than I am: in some ways you might be right. I said might. Thats not a point for you. Im advancing my right to tell you to shut up.

From here I can see you up on that mountain, greek columns and an empty pedestal, kneeled and mumbling something. Your voice drowned by the sound of dirt falling - mostly through my hands: I'm digging my way out of this pit, digging myself into it with the same movements.

From here I can see you down there, body poised like the modern thinker - Every thought visibly lights you up - macho ideas and ego fueling your behavior in predictable patterns. I know I sound egotistical now, but you need to know how you look when you do that shit. At this distance I know I wont be getting hit, so don't worry about sending a flare.

[massivetragedyblizzard]

yesterday i was on an elevator with my mom and dad and got stuck cus we had watched sinners the night before and my dad and I tried to execute an irish jig while descending from the 19th floor... we had to call the reception via elevator button and got firefighters called to bail us out. cue my dad pressing all buttons, my exasperated mom, me diffusing tension by talking my head off: ending with the doors opening to a crew of fighters, us mid-laugh... we are the most unserious ppl wtf

[massivetragedyblizzard]

5/6/2025

-------------------------------

That's how it goes when you come from a line of lunatics both ways. No turn on red here. Just a catholic guilt complex and manipulators agogo.

But hey.

You see dead people and I see myself dead. Comme ci comme ca, right? Both fucking insane.

---------------------------------

Sore on my arm, piercing gone: just my watch, earrings, eyeliner, and an opal necklace. Fuck you I'm ready.

I'll take the bus and listen to music. It's nothing but 3 hours to live through.

[massivetragedyblizzard]

22/5/2025

--------------------------------------------------------

It's the same pistol in my pocket, the same right hand comfort I've had since I was a baby: "think of your teeth."

It's a bit of insanity on a tuesday and wednesday and thursday and. yeah. ok.

It's me and -- giggling and long-distance calls and it's bank statements and my for-you-page and sombre research in a lively cafeteria.

It's the same pack of cards I bought in brooklyn and that rubber duck from a claw machine in delaware and my new headphones.

It's growing up as they foretold and growing into a monster they never fathomed.

I'm recommending counseling to online teens like I'm 15 and I'm watching my friends flash 21+ fakes, thinking I might have had it figured out then: shisha puffs in the back booth and maladaptive boys and reading a few more books.

[massivetragedyblizzard]

7/7/2025

Its modern jesus: a psych ward hallway, a small girl in platforms with frizzy hair, 5-6 apostles holding her hands and feet. It's dark and she's crying. She's sobbing, really, sounding like she has a razor in her throat.

[kineticpenguin]

At the risk of sounding anti-intellectual, I think that college should be free and also not a requirement for employment outside of highly specialized career fields

[kineticpenguin]

At the risk of sounding like an effete intellectual, I do actually think you should be allowed to just take college courses indefinitely

[yourunderwaterskies]

technically you can, if you don't care about degrees.

Free Harvard courses. Free Courses from Stanford. Free Courses from MIT. Free courses from Yale. Free courses from Princeton.

Free courses on Coursera.

Free Courses on EDx Free Courses on Alison

For paid, there's The Great Courses+/Wonderium. 20$ a month for unlimited courses.

When searching, the phrases you're looking for are Massive Open Online Courses (MOOCs), or you can do a general search of say, "free online college courses." Oh, and so you don't get surprised like I did, have an avoid: Hillsdale College is a conservative Christian site and not a valid MOOC place. Sign up with them and you will get things like THIS IS WHY THE LEFT IS TURNING YOUR KIDS TRANS AND GAY in your inbox.

[aloeverawrites]

@yourunderwaterskies I wanted to say thank you so much for adding these links, seriously, they've been life-changingly helpful to me-

And I also wanted to mention that humanitarian organisations have free courses too, like the Red Cross on international humanitarian law.

Humanity in War

Learn more about the Red Cross International Humanitarian Law (IHL) Program to train policy professionals, government officials, academics,

Kaya

Kaya is a free humanitarian learning platform which offers hundreds of training opportunities across a range of key topics, including the hu

[massivetragedyblizzard]

the art of eye contact

bubbling in my name, a skill I learned too late

10th grade for no reason

radiator bursts

shadow from on the swings

cousins

alligator prince

the lonliest people in the world

I am here to speak I am here to live I am here to witness.

photoshop snails (remnants of treatment and mental illness in my life)

[massivetragedyblizzard]

reading my posts here from middle school / early high school is like getting hit repeatedly by a hammer. Girl if you dont stfu

[hockeydiva]

my collection

[massivetragedyblizzard]

Found the complete prose thingy I wrote that developed into "Finals Season" soooooo.. its longer but its more realistic to how I ACTUALLY felt. Feeling pretty pissed now that I've been practically ghosted by the muse, so I'm posting the whole thing. Pray for me y'all.

--------------------------------

It's here that I'm a deer in the headlights.

I'll let you hit, but I'll be looking away, petrified of locking eyes with you. I'll spook and run and you'll never see me again, speeding on in your car.

I don't even really like men and I don't know if I like you. What I do know is you like me and you tell me you care about me, which has been making me happy.

But I've heard these things before and I've heard women complain and I'm not able to trust you the right way even if I think I do.

I tell you I'll leave you and you say you won't care. Alright. Five minutes and you suddenly care, or at least we talk about me staying - just for tonight please. You think I'll stay over nothing? A caso? Lucky you, huh.

The only place I'm honor-bound. Caught in the moments between games when I can goad you, a cloud on the ceiling post-race. Same pen, different mouths, pretending you aren't letting your hand linger when we trade. I'm taking hit after hit, blinkers in a row, smoke coming out sentences later having passed through that whole painstaking bronchial system from class. Pencil on grid paper in my notebook still in my bag still by the door.

Between races, shittalking and bravado like I'm one of the boys again. Top of the leaderboard, of course, second to stubborn old you. You think. Errant cups when I'm on top, body above you, and you're teaching me as we go - hours sunk - I'm up here and I won't forget it.

When I'm first you actually pay attention like you were letting me win, not a threat to you. That's good right? Neither of us threats to each other right? Promise? No, I'm sure I'm ok, I see this as plain fun. This is where I'm framed, fragments between puffs. It's a trip playing hard to get, acting like a sleazeball in this gorgeous smoke.

Am I allowed to brag here? I talk too much, I know. You say you don't think so, but I tell you to give it time. I'm sorry and I repeat it. I should probably shut up. I apologize for everything and you ask me why. Have you not heard? My hubris is contained when there is no great height and I am not flying and there is no wax on my wings. I'm looking up at you so I can laugh at you again. At the end of the day I'm still down here and I am less. You say you don't believe it and you don't think that and I really want to believe you. The way your face is when you say it is what seals it. You with a capital Y and a lowercase o u.

It's rough, I tell you. I'll leave because I always do even when I don't want to. I almost catch myself thinking girlfriend. Calm down. I was trying to tell you. I was trying to TELL YOU I'm not a good girlfriend and now its out there or at least there is that gap in speech which could never be filled with anything else. I'm not a good [redacted].

I know how to act attractive, but I'll spare myself the embarrassment and I'll spare you the commitment. What is this and what are we doing? I can't tell if you're nice to me because you genuinely like me or if you just want to hit, and at this point I don't care. I'm kind of hoping it's true. I'm telling you, this is as good as it gets. If it get better, good, but this is not utopia and anything is a small miracle.

A miracle that gives me two years of radio silence, and one that turns into infertility and pain and I don't even want kids but this is the consequence of these things. I don't feel the same anymore. It's stupid to know I'd be better in bed without this but it's worse that that's the thing that makes me want to quit. You ask why: I have to sacrifice certain things for the ability to live on: for the ability to get things done.

I don't know how to stop you in an art museum when you call an old man's portrait a fatass with full derogatory intent. I'm thinking about how quick I'm dying and many people have died when you say that, and how I have to fight myself every morning and blink it away or close my eyes when I undress, hoping you don't say it or you don't think I'm a fatass too.

Forgive me father, I'm not beyond that yet. So what if you do? So what if this man is fat. Is he wrong? Is he actually a bad person? You can hate him for other reasons, I promise. Leave me alone and let me rest in death. You'd call me the same things if I died, which is why I'm still here alive on your floor.

I don't know how to act here anymore. It's me and the headlights now, and this is more than I've done with friends of more time and assholes on drugs, so I'm closing my eyes and I'll stay this way until you're done. Eyes closed and head tilted I don't know what I am anymore. I am a body, one you might like, but I don't say that because I don't mean to sound creepy. I don't tell you that a body can still appreciate a hickey the size of california or a warm smile. This happened to a body - not an object of attraction or a physique to improve, not to the culmination of generations of trauma. I have a body and this is how you treat it and I stick around for it.