How Insta is mentally abusing me today

The many "inspirational" posts instagram gives me on a daily basis to remind me I fxxked up.

[satiemoon-blog]

Boogiepop Phantom.

[silent-insanities]

You pulled me in so deep, I never realized I was lost.

[matriix-uk]

I'm still lost, only now it's without you.

[matriix-uk]

I dreamed about you.

You haven't been in my dreams for a long time but last night, there you were. Playful and joking like before.

The butterflies, the heart flutters, all hit me. I could feel my face flush as you spoke to me.

Your hands, gentle but firm, pulling me in to hug me. Your voice, warm and buttery, telling me you missed me.

Sharing jokes with others in the room, acting like nothing had changed, nothing had happened other than a close, close friendship.

Then you kissed me. I could feel your lips, the warmth of your mouth. I felt the need, the longing, the slight weight of your body against mine, the rhythm of your breath.

And then I woke. All that's left is that longing, in me. An emptiness. For once though, no sadness. Just blankness.

[silent-insanities]

I can feel that ache in my chest again.

[matriix-uk]

I don't know why, but today has been a hard day. Why does it seem like emotions snowball outside of what's in your head/heart? Like, not from me, I've managed to not let it spill out but it's like the energy around me is bad juju. Everyone else seems to be bristly and unhappy. Is that from me or just coincidence? It makes my shitty feelings seem valid, like of course I'm unhappy, look around.

[matriix-uk]

Raquel Vasquez Gilliland (@raquelvasquezgilliland_poet) on Threads

‼️thirst thread incoming🥵 A long time ago, I told a man I wanted to hear his reactions when I sent him thirst traps. So that’s what he did

I miss this. These voice notes would bring my heart up into my throat so hard I could taste it. Butterflies before I opened them, flustered after. I miss this.

[matriix-uk]

The breath caught in my throat as I sat and waited. I was nervous. What if you changed your mind?!

*knock knock* The butterflies shot up in my stomach. Would you laugh at me? Turn me down? *thudthudthud* My heart pounded as I took the few steps to the hotel room door.

There you were. "Shit!" You gasped, eyes wide, as you took a step back. I guess you thought I was joking when I said I'd open the door in my underwear. Maybe you thought I'd change my mind. Did we have the same doubts?

You stepped forward and took me in your arms, kissing me soft but passionately as you closed the door behind you. A moment of bashfulness hit me when you pulled away to compose yourself and put down the items in your hand. I sat on the bed to give you time to make sure this was really what you wanted. I hoped beyond hope you'd join me.

Dropping to your knees, you pulled me towards you and kissed me again. Gently pushing me back onto the bed you slid off my underwear and settled your face between my legs. You did what you'd promised and I felt worshipped, some ethereal goddess being held by strong hands and kissed by soft lips.

We explored eachother completely. I sat atop you and stared intensely into your eyes like a ravenous animal focused on its prey. You told me I was beautiful. You took charge and I couldn't speak but for "four words". We held eachother and talked about our regrets and our wants.

I still remember stroking your face and laughing with you. I remember the lump in my throat as though I could cry at any minute because in this moment I was happy. In ecstasy. Vulnerable but safe. Melting into you as I lay my head on your chest.

If only we could have stayed like that.

[matriix-uk]

Yessss, the Internet hates me again. I've been trying to be positive. I'm crying again though. Sadness, guilt, I'm not sure which.

[matriix-uk]

To the one that got away, again.

You'll never understand how much I wanted you, how much you meant to me, how deep my feelings went. I'll never understand how easily you walked away, how it all felt so real but obviously was not.

I wish I could speak to you one last time, I wish you had the strength to answer me honestly, I wish I could look into your eyes and separate the truth from the lies.

I try to push it all aside, I try to forget you and move on, I try not to think about you, or us, what was, or what could have been.

But there you are, still in the corners of my mind. There you are, lurking in the dark and quiet moments. There you are thumping in my heart.

I think of you when I don't want to, when I don't expect it. I think of you and I'm confused: I'm happy I knew you, in all the ways I did, I'm happy we were friends, I'm happy for the time we had but I am sad; I'm sad you're no longer there, I'm sad we can't share jokes and triumphs, I'm sad you let me go so easily. I think of you and my heart feels full, full with love and full with pain.

I cherish our memories. I resent our memories. I love you. I hate you. I was a goddess. I am nobody.

Time hasn't healed anything yet. I thought it had, I thought I'd won. Thoughts showed me who was boss though, when I thought I was safe. Ironic, you made me feel safe.

I wonder if one day our paths will cross again. I wonder if you will open back up to possibility. I wonder if I will always feel this way about you.

For now I cry. I cry for the hearts we broke. I cry for my own broken heart. I cry for what briefly was. I cry for what could have been. I cry for you.

One day these tears will dry but who will help me wipe them away, stand up, clean my face and keep going?

[ur-daily-inspiration]

[matriix-uk]

[3l1zathoughts]

[matriix-uk]

Ha! How appropriate.

[matriix-uk]

Always dealing. Had got into a much better mental space and focussed on my real priorities but now my brain wants to play me highlight reels.

[matriix-uk]

Damn, I'm tired. Spent the weekend ignoring life but insta is constant. 🤣

[remanence-of-love]

[keytomind]

🖤🖤☝🏼

[matriix-uk]

Just some pain while I sit in the hairdresser's chair.

[matriix-uk]

Insta really likes to start my week with misery. How is there enough for a daily post?!

[matriix-uk]

Today is for lifting heavy things until I don't want to cry anymore.