sunshines and rain

mattie, never matilda. thirty year old. noncommittal, serious. insincere, too genuine. just one big contradiction. bipolar as hell.

[mattiegranger]

glcrias‌:

the middle finger, though normally a gesture that wouldn’t have any kind of effect on her, hurt more than she had to admit coming from her ex, especially when she could read her so well. though mattie had always been good at keeping her emotions under control she when wanted to, they’d almost been married. there had been a chunk of gloria’s life that she’d dedicated to learning the woman inside and out. of course she could read her like a book – and she was hurt. “you look a lot less happy to see me than i had been imagining in my head,” she muttered under her breath, her sense of bravado beginning to dip. mattie did know how to strip her down to nothing – in both the fun way, and the not-so fun way. and that was always the scary part, wasn’t it?

“you’re right. no reason to put nate and gracie’s generosity to waste.” the names felt like sandpaper on her tongue, and she tried to swallow it away, but it only served to make her nauseous. they were always good to her, even in times when their faith in her wasn’t very high. she supposed they’d been right all along, though, and that was what stung most. “you’ll have to show me pictures,” she said, quieter this time, and though she tried to force an edge to her voice – the cameras would not see her crying, nor would they see her apologizing. of that much she was certain – there was no fire behind her words. she could feel the sorrow beginning to well in her stomach, that same feeling she’d had almost every day for the first three months after she’d skipped town on mattie. the same feeling she’d begun drinking so heavily to avoid. her fingers twitched involuntarily, wishing they were wrapped around a stiff one at the moment, though she knew it was for the best that she was doing this meeting sober. mattie was too smart and would call her out if she wasn’t. “so.” the word was painful, the way it hung in the air. “how have you been?” it was the wrong question to be asking at the wrong moment in time, every cell of her being was telling her so. but how else were they supposed to move past this?

hearing her parents’ names coming from those lips stung in such an unexpected way. her parents hadn't always been keen on gloria. it wasn't that they didn't like her necessarily. they thought she was nice-- and she made mattie happy. rarely did that matter in her family, but it had and it was something they took into account. it was the fact that they knew she'd never be able to properly support her. not the way they wanted her to nor would she be able to give her the lavish life they'd envisioned for all three of their children. sure, mattie was the one that always got ignored for being too boring essentially. not making enough noise. at the end of the day, it didn't matter because she was still their daughter. but they did quite like gloria, too. just not enough. “yeah i'll get right on that... i'm sure you can find them on social media somewhere,” she replied curtly, playing with her fingers suddenly. a lot of things hurt then-- before-- all the time. but at the moment, there was little sadder than the fact that gloria should have been in the pictures with her. she should have taken some of her own. they should have been there together. mattie had wanted to walk away. it would have been the best decision she'd made in a long time, but she couldn't. not yet. there was something that still had her tethered to gloria. it was completely inexplicable. the mere thought made her stomach churn, though, she didn't move. the question caused her face to scrunch up. from anyone else, it would have seemed perfectly normal. but how does one go from knowing even the darkest of secrets-- to exactly how to make her body quiver to this? “gloria... i-i can't do this...” she pointed back and forth between them. her voice was shakier than she'd have liked. it was vulnerable in her confession. “it might be easy for you to just fuck off and pretend nothing ever happened. but i can't...” her head shook a little as the question fell from her lips, “how's it so easy for you?”

[mattiegranger]

bitterhush‌:

                        in order to catch up with all the times she had isolated herself by spending day and night on her laptop, alone in her room at home in both france and england, she had made the bold decision to blend herself in among other people. women, to be exact. all who were watching a beer pong match going on at the beach, some kind of new years celebration anais had caught upon from the woman next to her. with a red cup between her fingers, pushed into her hand about ten minutes ago by an extroverted contestant that passed her by and included her into watching the fun little event that was going on. taking a sip from the mixed drink, she watched the round come to an intense end where both women only had one cup left. like a child she dangled her legs, enjoying the pop songs that came from the boombox that belonged to one of the women. distracted by the ocean in the background for a minute or so, she got caught up into the veronicas for a little while. until the cheering erupted by one of the women winning the contest and she had a tiny jumpscare. not entirely sure if this was her scene, she felt an awkward feeling roaring in the pit of her stomach, followed by a hand that closed around her arm by the victor of the beer pong. ‘you, by the boombox, you’re next! janey, you pick!’ the words came out slurred, but anais was aware enough that two new contestants were picked out now and she was one of them. ‘’i … excuse me, sorry, i’m — i don’t usually, this is not..’’

she tried, absolutely failing at forming the right words. god, what was in this drink? putting the red cup down on the ping pong table, she stared at the other woman who had been picked out to battle against her. ‘’i’ve never done this before … i don’t think i can do this.’’ puppy eyes gazed lost at the brunette, hoping she’d help her out of this.

@mattiegranger​

                        mattie didn't particularly want to be on the beach around these festivities. it seemed so college-- and she was far beyond that. honestly, outside of her last year-- she hadn't let loose much. it went without saying that she enjoyed drinking as much as the next person; however, it never exceeded that. she liked to stay in control of things. she thrived on having it. mattie couldn't exactly see how that was possible with the producers wanting to get things going. she could see their angle a mile away when they chose her and the blonde. of course, they wouldn't just choose two random people from the crowd because that'd be far too anticlimactic for their liking. at least she was camera ready in her bikini. still, she went with it as though she was shocked and annoyed. she gave everyone an eyeroll that spoke volumes. mostly it told everyone to 'fuck off'. well everyone except her castmate. she'd seen her around a lot admittedly. it was impossible to not, but she'd never crossed that threshold and actually talked to her. granted, she was never very good at talking. 

wordlessly, she made her way to the center of all the commotion. she gave the other a cheeky smirk. she'd played a bit during her 'wilder' days. the few of them of course. the expression was swept off her face the second she gave those damn eyes. mattie was a sucker for them; although, they had other fish to fry. most of which came in the form of 'ratings' for the network. “it's okay, i can help you a little...” she gently nudged her before taking the ball in her hand. she threw it up and down a couple of times, gaining momentum. “it's all in the wrist...” she instructed, flicking her own before tossing it across the table with such precision, it landed in one of her cups. “that's a freebie, now let me see what you got blondie after this one.” giving her wink, mattie maneuvered through the small crowd to the opposing side. she practically inhaled the beer before returning the ball. this time it landed in one of the other girl’s instead. 

[c-isnenegro]

[mattiegranger]

@glcrias

[buffysummers]

Alicia Vikander photographed by Carter Smith (2018)

[mattiegranger]

ofsolara‌:

      she laughed at the other’s awkwardness, thinking it rather quirky. then put herself together and shrugged. “really. swear on my life. i do love stargazing but i never did it with one of those.” solara said in all honesty, as she leaned to have a look through the telescope’s lenses.  “wow— this is…. so beautiful. can i see more?” 

        mattie was still shocked about the fact that the other was into this. she knew only a select few would be. though seeing that solara was genuine-- that only made it better. “uh, yeah, of course,” she smiled, adjusting the telescope. “if you look over there-- you can see gemini...” realizing what she said, she hummed. “you’re not a gemini, are you?” 

[mattiegranger]

deafwlwgirl‌:

giulia’s  eyes  bulged  in  surprise .  this  was  NOT  supposed  to  happen .  her  gaze  focused  on  a  SINGULAR   point  on  the  elevator  wall .  think  good  thoughts .  think  GOOD  thoughts .  think  good  thoughts .  malamute .  her  orange  tabby .  the  love  of  her  life .  she  turned  her  head  toward  the  other .  stared  at  them  with  a  deer  in  highlights  expression .  she  rolled  her  hand  into  a  fist  and  rubbed  circles  on  her  chest . “ sorry,  “ she  signed .  patted  herself  on  the  chest .  put  the ‘ d ’ letter  on  her  ear .  she  hoped  they  would  get  the  message .

well shit. on top of everything else, she was stuck there with a woman she could barely communicate with which was unfortunate. mattie didn’t know the first thing about sign language. was she supposed to talk louder? could her castmate even hear her? honestly, mattie couldn’t help but feel like her thoughts made her seem like an asshole, but at least, they possessed some sense of genuineness. she wasn’t exactly sure what guilia had signed, but she gave her a smile no less. “you good over there,” she asked, her voice rising. 

[mattiegranger]

xsincerelydia‌:

                                 the giggle the air received from the other woman defeated lydia’s quiet embarrassment she was suffocating herself within. it was what it was; a messy spill, and a woman being nothing but a hot mess in the morning. a rush of heat brought a shade of pink to the surface of her skin.  “  i am cursed, clearly not on a bright, shiny side of the universe. ”  calm, with notes of humor. her voice was dry like an barrel aged wine, but her eyes… they were soft, kind.  broke up any tight coats that may make you think she was anything BUT gentle. - and she was.  a hand, with rings rounded on multiple fingers, waved in the air.  “  please, laugh away … if that’s what your morning needs. ”  endearing. that was the first.  “ i’d like to blame my environmental change on my clumsy acts… but i wasn’t kidding when i said this is habitual…. seems i was destined to wear coffee as an accessory… instead of consuming… maybe you all have it wrong, and need to start wearing your beverages… though… i’d go for a beverage hat isn’t...scalding hot. ” 

                                there was something about this woman. besides the fact that every word that came out of her mouth was amusing in the way that had a person saying 'awe'. something intriguing out of the gate. she admittedly was pleasantly charmed, to say the least. “i thought my morning just needed a run and caffeine, but this is a lot more interesting,” mattie chuckled, running a finger through damp waves. the humidity did wonders for her complexion but not so much to her hair. that was always a mess. she had curls that she didn't even know existed until she'd spent abundant time on the island. “hey, i'm not sure many people could make the whole brown splotchy thing work for them. it's got an artistic appeal to it... not that I actually know jack shit about art.” immediately, realizing that they were downplaying the fact that she had coffee spilled all over her-- mattie reeled in the teasing. “wait, are you alright? like... with all of that?” as if it wasn't obvious what she was talking about, her hand circled around the front of her own chest. “it'd be really weird to offer you my sweaty shirt right now, wouldn't it?”

[mattiegranger]

sunpaintedsea‌:

                   saint hated elevators at the best of times. the dim, enclosed space reminded them of the weeks spent in police interrogation rooms, repeating the same thing over and over again until they ran out of words altogether. the identical walls would close in on them, more and more each time, until they just couldn’t stand it anymore. they could already feel the ants crawling beneath their skin as soon as the door closed, but it was fine. they could handle it. the first jolt shook them to their core, a flutter of anxiety sparking inside them. the second jolt almost fully stopped their heart, but it would only get worse when the elevator stopped completely. they cast a frantic glance over at their riding companion, who was taking a seat and opening a bottle of something strong enough to make saint feel like they were back home in ireland. they forced themself to be calm. don’t freak out on the poor woman, she obviously wasn’t enjoying this either. 

                 “nerves? u-um, ye-yeah, thanks.” they muttered, taking the offering with a pale, totally-not-shaking hand. in true spirit of their irish nature, they took a long swig with barely a flinch, although it felt like lead in their stomach. they murmured a small thanks and reached for their phone, slightly alarmed by the lack of service.

             mattie wasn't always the most observant person of the bunch. in fact, on the contrary-- she was often not; however, there were flukes where she was right on the money. this situation might have fit the bill precisely. she was almost certain they wouldn't have been at ease on an elevator any other day of the week either. though this only worsened their predicament and for that, mattie would remain as calm as possible. it was easy to fake it until she made it. too easy in fact, but that was just the norm for her. “don't mention it,” she shrugged, lips curling into a minute grin. it was meant to be soothing. at least, she hoped it was, granted being stuck on an elevator didn't really appease anyone's nerves. some of which were quite visible watching the other's hand. she clearly had her work cut out for her. “what part of uh... of ireland is that i hear? i spent a few summers in belfast growing up... ”

              it wasn't like her to divulge too much information, especially to someone who was virtually a stranger, but she couldn't see the harm. “grandpa’s family is irish.. ma’s is... well, i’m not sure, but i don’t think there.” an awkward laugh came out as she brushed the back of her neck. she then took another sip before offering some liquor courage to them again. 

[mattiegranger]

wildhcrses‌:

Minding her own business for once, she was tired and just wanted to write some in her room, get some downtime before getting back to the group, she was in the elevator. Silent. Which was something that didn’t happen often, well unless she was writing. When she felt the elevator shake, once, twice and then it fell quiet entirely. “Merde!” she cussed out loud. That was when the other started to talk, “I am definitely in need of this right now.” She said, taking the bottle with a small smile. “Merci beaucoup.” She took a big swig from the bottle, liked the burning sensation in her throat and sighed while giving the bottle back to the other. “Just our luck.”

Mattie's teeth gripped her bottom lip, trying to not laugh or smile. Hearing the other swearing in another language was somehow comparable to music to her ears. Maybe, it was just easier to focus on that rather than their impending doom. Apparently, she was in the right place, wrong time? But at least, she was of some use. “Je t'en prie,” she replied, hoping that was right. She hadn't taken French she was in high school and that was getting further into the rearview mirror as time went on. With a half-smirk, she took the bottle back and inevitably sipped from it. Despite the burn, it was smoother than she expected. It was better than the cheap shit she got back home by a mile. “If this is luck, remind me to never be around you during a lightning storm.” Forcing out a laugh at her own pathetic joke, she passed back the liquor to Chloe. “You think they'll notice? Or even care? This is probably just something they can use for the show, huh?”

[mattiegranger]

sagetcrres‌:

After a day of exploring the resort and familiarizing herself with some of the other women, Sage’s plan had been to spend the rest of the evening in her room either reading or writing. The elevator jerking made her step back and hold onto the railing that wrapped around the walls, gripping onto it tightly when it did it a second time. She remained still when the elevator stopped moving, starting to panic slightly, was she actually stuck in an elevator? The movement of the person next to her made Sage jump, what just happened had her on edge and she had completely forgotten that the other was even there. “You seem oddly calm. How are you so calm?” She questioned, “do you have any idea what we’re suppose to do?” Shooting off another question while she looked at the elevator buttons. 

“eh, there's no point in letting myself get all bent out of shape,” mattie shrugged, feeling a little squeamish internally. though, that was something she wouldn't let the other see. of course, if she began to freak out-- it would be a really big domino effect and nobody needed that. during her time as a bouncer, she was meant to deescalate situations and that's what she was now doing. plus, this was oddly relieving in its own way as it left her a moment to be parted from the small camera crew. “you can press the call button if you want. you can press all the buttons too... but honestly, we just wait? i'm sure whoever is monitoring this thing has already been alerted...” pressing her arm against the handrail, she took another swig of her drink. “you sure you don't want any of this? might help with the nerves thing you got going on...”

[isiyamor]

[mattiegranger]

glcrias‌:

it wasn’t that gloria hadn’t ever expected to see mattie again - okay, maybe it was - but the shock of catching sight of the ghost of christmas past wasn’t very easy to shake off. still, her body did what it did best. it absorbed the shock and though her head was still reeling, her features had already shifted into a bright, easy smile, like nothing had happened at all. “do i not get a hug, then?” she questioned facetiously, though, really, she wondered if she wouldn’t combust with the brunette’s arms around her. if she tried, she could still remember exactly how they would feel. but she won’t, so she doesn’t. gloria could feel a slow heat begin to rise to her cheeks as she watched mattie’s face only grow harder and harder, and though this is almost exactly what gloria had imagined when she thought about their first meeting again - after what, a year? - she still wasn’t ready for the whirlwind of emotions that had begun to wreck her body and mind, indignation taking the driver’s seat. “well it’s not like i can just get a plane ticket home. i’m here, same as you,” she told the brunette, hoping that the hurt wasn’t flashing behind her eyes just as it was flashing in her head. “so order a drink, babe. this is what you wanted, right? a long holiday?”

mattie immediately scoffed. a hug? there were a lot of things that she wanted to do the insanely gorgeous woman. even then, with all the fury that ran through her, that stood true. some were what most deem problematic and others-- well they were equally so, but much hotter. though, mattie wasn't about to waver and give her ex an inch. the same one that had walked out and trampled all over her heart. she'd never really given much thought into why people said such metaphoric bullshit but she got it once said things happened to her. the worst part of it all was that at the end of the day, she honestly worried. she still wanted to know that gloria was alright, but that seemed a non-issue then. she was more than fine. immaturely, she turned her hand upright to reveal her middle finger. “how's that for a hug?” why were they doing this to her? it was a game-- a sport-- try to get the most drama for their money. all the while, she was pained to her. pained for their pleasure. what kind of masochist did that make her? “running is more your style anyhow, huh?” mattie, on the other hand, had a taken a liking to running since their unexpected breakup. it was easier to take the pavement and block out thoughts of-- well gloria. and other things in her life. “a holiday? hm? that's what you wanted?” her tone was a bit more jagged. it was obvious that she wasn't talking about the present anymore. “you know that's the last damn thing I ever wanted...” again she scoffed, managed to reel back a little. “i did go on that honeymoon of ours. no point in wasting my parents' money. greece is beautiful in winter, too. who would have thought so?”

[mattiegranger]

xsincerelydia‌:

                             “ CONGRATS. ”  a dry expression due to her own lack of surprise.  “ you have witnessed the daily morning spill of my coffee. ”  lydia may have been embarrassed by such clumsy actions but … this was ….HABITUAL. unfortunately.  - patting her hand against the fabric of her shirt, she’d be reluctant to change… there was no hurry … she’d most likely spill again. “ you’d be shocked at the ratio of coffee that actually is consumed compared to what gets tossed on me….or on the floor …”  now the corners of her mouth were breaking into an almost pathetic grin. this purely was the woman in natural form, fully accepted of her flaws. here she was 2020, unapologetic for herself. 

mattie had just gotten back from one of her early morning runs on the beach. there was something insane about even the possibility but it was somehow now part of her routine. next was coffee which she was in dire need of; however, she pleasantly distracted when she spotted the other brunette. she was rather stunning-- honestly. even with an added blotch of coffee on her shirt. mattie couldn't help herself as a laugh sounded. “jeez, who do you have to piss off that badly to...” she giggled, in an almost uncharacteristically. “i’m sorry. i promise i'm not laughing/laughing at you... it's just endearing.” immediately, she cringed at the word she'd chosen to use. more than that, the earnestness with it. why the hell did she find it cute? “not the whole people being dicks and tossing coffee on you part, the rest though.”

[turningleafposts]

Alicia Vikander, Tomb Raider, 2018

[mattiegranger]

glcrias‌:

perhaps it had only been a couple days, but gloria had been spending her vacation right. between the several on-site bars and the cute little club next door, every morning, afternoon, and evening were used to their fullest potential, especially with all of the gorgeous tourists running around, namely the ones on her very own show. her new routine had turned into this - drink, dance, meet, sex, drink, sleep, rinse, and repeat. and maybe it was predictable of her - her loved ones back home were probably shaking their heads and rolling their eyes, because what else was their precious gloria going to spend her free time doing? but this was her time and place to shine; she wasn’t going to waste it.

like most of her mornings, gloria had spent the earlier parts of it sleeping in for much longer than necessary, and the later bits making sure everything on her looked perfect, just in cast she caught herself in a close-up. now, as the clock ticked closer to noon, she’d flounced down to the main bar and had been spending the past five minutes trying to flag barry, the weekday morning tender - she’d learned most of the bartenders names and basic schedules by now, with continual pestering - down. he had busied himself cleaning glasses and preparing for the afternoon rush and was, though smiling at her jokes and taking the bait, really just ignoring her. she felt a presence approaching her from behind. she leaned over, and without taking her eyes off of barry who looked like he was just finishing up and getting ready to take her order, she loudly whispered, “i think he’s trying to starve me out.” it was only then that she looked over at the woman, and only then that she caught sight of the girl’s features. 

“oh. it’s you.”

@mattiegranger * / / !

mattie arguably drank a lot as of late. some might even say too much; however, in her mind it was never enough. for the last year, she'd been numbing whatever ill feelings she felt. because honestly, they were a waste. occasionally, she'd take a pretty girl home. hell, she wasn't picky if a guy just showered and smelled good-- him too. sometimes both, together. but of course, whatever bed fellows she had never landed there in a state of sobriety. it was just easier. though, this wasn't-- everything about this. mattie hadn't been remotely accustomed to being under constant scrutiny. she went from being an ignored child growing up to cameras giving her next to no privacy. fortunately, as far as she knew, the cameras seemed to have gotten their fill of her. she led a very predictable and mundane lifestyle. one that after a while became uninteresting. it had to right? she stood there at the bar sipping on her drink reeking of nonchalance. the music was a little too loud for her liking. there was an air of desperation lingering around her. most would go home with someone that night-- but the next morning they'd just wake to silence and their own reflection in the mirror. the cycle of loneliness would repeat itself. truthfully, at that exact moment, mattie wished that was the case for her. she wanted nothing more to be alone when she heard that voice again. she froze. fuck. fuck. fuck. she'd recognize it anywhere-- in any circumstance. the good, the bad. the very good. mattie knew it all. her head fell back and a disbelieving laugh was expelled.

“yeah, me. surprise,” she scoffed, fist flinching at her side. she was angry. sad. angry. mostly that's what she felt. not in the violent sort of way, but damn did it hurt all the same. internally, of course. fucking gloria. god, she would have given her the whole world if she’d asked. she would have done anything for her and now, she couldn’t even look at her. “what the fuck are you doing here, glo?” before her ex-fiancee had the chance to answer, she held her hand up in the air. “you know what actually, i don’t give a fuck why you are. i just need you to not be...” 

[mattiegranger]

mattie was on her way to her room. with a bottle of rum and a pack of smokes for later, she was set for the evening. she had no intention of being around anyone as the numbers ticked away and each floor became one closer to her own. though, the elevator seemed to have other plans for her. the immediate jar was nothing that alarmed her but the second one well-- she admittedly felt some panic in the pit of her stomach. and then it stopped entirely. despite feeling somewhat anxious, she sat down on the carpet. she knew people would get to them when they did. haphazardly, she twisted the lid and took a big swig of some really strong alcohol. “oh, wow,” she quipped, shaking her head. “that’s good shit. you want some? might take the nerves away...” 

[mattiegranger]

sleepoverbabes‌:

“you know,” rhiannon began, from her spot at the beachside bar. she took a swift move to dump out the drink to the sand, “you’d think these bartenders would know what they were doing here.” shaking her head, she looked around for anyone watching and grabbed the bottles of gin and vermouth as well as the shaker. looking to the woman next to her, rhi scoffed. “ i mean, these are my first drinks since getting off probation. they gotta be done right. you want a martini?” 

“you’d think with how much they make in tips,” mattie agreed, drawing her bottom lip between her teeth. there was something about the blonde that was daunting. it was almost instinctively so. however, she didn’t have to wait for the reasoning to be revealed. her mouth fell agape at the mention of ‘probation’. sure, she’d been around her fair share of criminal sorts-- but not in a more personal manner. it was just a part of her job. “uh, sure... why the hell not? especially if it’s better than the stuff here.” if only, she could leave it at that but she couldn’t. “so were you like in prison or something?”