I have been learning so much about God. There’s so much to put in words but I will try my very best to phrase everything in a way that is understandable. The first thing is about my decision to stay pure until marriage. I had a lot of mixed feelings about it as you can imagine. We live in a world that glorifies ‘One Night Stands’ and even has a set time until you can have it. That is, the popular ’90 day rule’. It’s a world that finds it almost “off putting” to be a virgin because people want more “experience” they call it. But is it really? The only thing I can see people being experienced in … is mastering the practice of breaking your own heart and damaging your own soul. I have seen and met countless women who are broken and in desperate need of the Lord’s grace to get on with their lives because of the attachments that giving your soul to the wrong person can cause. I’ve heard it countless times. “Come on! You’re a virgin?! Really? You have no idea what you’re missing”. Maybe. Or it’s the “ You need to test drive the car before you buy it! Everybody knows that!!”. Maybe its just me, but none of these things have ever been a point of reference in my life. Especially from the many examples I have seen.
I wont lie. I almost gave into these thoughts. It began to linger in my mind that maybe I really am missing out. That’s been one of my biggest fears. In life actually. I always dread the thought that I am behind or unexposed. Now i’m realizing that, to keep away isn’t always a bad thing. In fact, the more I started reading God’s word the more I began to feel I was doing right by Him. AT the end of the day that is who I am really trying to impress. I’m a 22 year old virgin and plan to stay this way until God sends someone to me in which HE has ordained to pursue me. Each day I feel less and less guilty about my decision. I even have many dreams about it. WARNING! These are explicit but I feel they are necessary in helping you to see how the Lord has been working in me.
I had this dream when I was about 17 years old. I was walking home and I happened to pass by a man who wouldn’t stop looking at me. He just looked like he was dying to touch me. Upon noticing this, I felt uneasy and began walking really fast to get away from him. I could hear his footsteps pacing faster towards me. I noticed immediately and ran as fast as I could. When I looked back , he was not the man I had just seen. He had become so ugly and thin with blood all over his body. He looked like an animal gone savage about to devour the very last source of food in its path. I was afraid but managed to get myself behind a gate and locked it shut.
I woke up and immediately prayed to God to explain to me what that was. And how I could remember it so vividly. I got on my knees and started reading Daniel(one of my favorite books). I asked the Lord for meaning. It wasn’t long before it started to make sense and the Holy Spirit showed me. When I walked past the man and saw him the first time, I was looking at him in his human form. Later, God opened my spiritual eyes and when I looked at him again it was his soul I was looking at. I was shown that his aggressive nature in following me and acting that way is exactly what Lust looks like. It eats at you and eats until it consumes you and leads to further sin. (Matthew 5:28). In John 8:34, Jesus answered them,“Truly, truly, I say to you, everyone who commits sin is a slave to sin.
The second dream was quite different. I was in my old home sitting down and a woman came and was teaching me how to use the bible. She told me to get ready for war. That the path I have chosen to take is not an easy one but with the Lord by my side I will not fail. Just like Jesus did. He persevered through hate and ridicule and yet, He is the greatest Hero of all time! She asked me to read a verse of my choice. I picked Philipians 4:13, “I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me”, I said. “Can you? Do you really believe that?”.
“Yes.I do”. I snapped. “Well, what if I told you that you cant?, what if I told you that he wasn’t the son of God or that he isn’t messiah”. She replied. “Listen, He is and I believe it okay? Nothing is going to change that!!”. I shouted.
She smiled after I said that and told me. “The same way you are passionate about that is the exact same way you need to approach the Truth. The word of God is your shield. It will protect you. You must believe it and absorb it into every single part of your being. Be passionate about it. Pray without ceasing and USE THIS BOOK. It is the secret to life itself.”
After teaching me this new perspective, I suddenly felt like I had been reading it the wrong way. , merely making it routine without letting it marinate into my soul. After this, its almost as if someone was showing me around and taking me on a trip. I noticed we were moving and moving. Suddenly I looked outside the window and saw a huge ball of fire. It was something Discovery Channel would show. It looked like the Sun but up close , right outside my window! Suddenly started to feel some heat but not all the way through almost like there was a protective layer around me. A voice told me that this place he was going to show me was a million times hotter than the sun. We kept going down. I could feel our bodies moving and it got darker. The more we went down the darker it became. Until suddenly. A voice told me not to fear… that He was just trying to show me what is there. I found myself in a house and all I could hear was laughter. Loud , arrogant, angry type of laughter. I walked in the place trying to follow the echoes of the laughter until suddenly I saw a throne. It wasn’t the glamourous, beautiful kind of throne. This one was dark and dirty. There were no guards protecting it. Just one chair in the dark and a figure I couldn’t embody sitting on it. I hid in the corner, wondering why I was seeing this. I kept whispering to the voice that guided me there and asked, “Why am I here? I don’t belong here.”
“That’s right”. He said. “You do not belong here. You are my child and It would cause me great pain to see you here. I am trying to show you something. Open your eyes and see.”
I reluctantly looked at the figure. And the louder the laugh got the more afraid I became but I trusted the voice that told me to listen. It wasn’t long before it said.
“All I do is cause Havoc! I cause pain and I love it! I love to destroy families , I find great pleasure in that. And oh the girls…the little girls. They think these men love them! I use them!”
I realized what was happening. The Lord was showing me the enemy and all his motives.
“Confusion, Lust, Sex!!! I use these to capture them! The joy that brings.” It said.
I was afraid and called on God to help me… I woke up and prayed like I always do.
Now I know all this sounds like a lot. I’ve heard it time and time again. My dreams are so vivid but I know God speaks to me through dreams sometimes. It was then that I knew that my decision to pursue purity was not in vain. I always ask myself how? I have been with 10 guys and even through the temptation to have sex I have never given in. I know the answer now. It’s because my decision to pursue purity is not in vain. My desire is rooted from the fact that deep down within the pit of my soul I am more concerned with pleasing God than any guy. That’s the reason it has always been a priority for me.
Of course, I have made a lot of mistakes. Just because I am a virgin does not mean I am all the way “pure”. Ive done things but sex. But in the eyes of God it is still fornication even if its just touching. The touching leads to an orgasm that’s just the same right? I cant stand before God and say that is pure. And the thing is, just with touching I have already experienced so much heartbreak and emptiness. Although it might feel good in the moment, the truth is I don’t want to feel that emptiness again once that “honeymoon phase” of the relationship ends. Some might say , “Well!, at least you didn’t sleep with him.”
But I don’t think that’s the point. The point is I allowed a man who was not ordained by God to touch me intimately. So even though it was not actual sexual intercourse, I allowed him to violate my soul and vice versa. Forget what the world says for a minute. What does God say?
Run from sexual sin! No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. For sexual immorality is a sin against your own body. (1 Corinthians 6:18)
This is so clear to me and I will not fall for what the world says. How far has that taken humanity? During 2010–2014, an estimated 56 million induced abortions occurred each year worldwide. 56 million!!! That is a crazy fact. What im trying to say is although some of the effects of pre-marital sex may not be visible all the time, the spiritual effects are certainly greater. I have chose to stick to Gods word in this journey. I know that it is difficult but I trust in the Lord. I don’t know whether that was hell that I saw in my dream. Whatever it was, I do not want to go there but most importantly. I no longer want to continue hurting myself.
God asked me this question when I would seek for love and attention from guys. He said, “why are you so obsessed with hurting yourself?”. Ever since then , I decided to change my path.
I do desire to be loved and to love in return. I desire to have a happy and healthy relationship. I want that to blossom and grow. I want to experience love and learn how to love the way Jesus loves me. I want to be whole and close to God. Some days I tend to let it occupy my mind more than it should and God has told me that this desire for relationship is not ungodly. In fact it is in our DNA. This message is just to show you what I’ve been working on these past 2 years about my path of relationship and purity. It is difficult and temptations are everywhere but I know that with God I can get through them. I believe and trust in His promises. I am currently a lady in waiting. Truth be told, I just want to start a new… I want to heal from the past heart breaks and insecurities and grow with Jesus. I understand that until I can come to a point to where I am okay with never getting these things… I don’t think the Lord will trust me to be with anyone. I know now that He demands more from me. It’s not about what I want anymore. He knows it anyway. But I think the answer is what I can do for the Lord where I am, how I am …no matter what my life situation maybe.
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