hi Arabelle. First off, thank you. I hope this isn't weird to divulge or an overstepping of boundaries, but so many things about you, your work have kept me alive and wanting to radiate. You inspire life. (tw: assault, abuse) Can I ask you about fear? I want to take myself out on a date but am scared of running into a man who sexually assaulted/gaslighted me. He's Asian, I'm Asian, there aren't many of us where we are. Heavy heart, and I'm too gay for this, anyway. Where might you put the fear?
I suppose now is a good time to mention this piece I recently did for ELLE on finally/eventually bumping in to the person who abused me after years of being afraid. I don’t think I ever promo’d it on social media because I didn’t know they pub’d it until recently. You might find it relevant.Â
Being afraid of possible ghosts is so exhausting. I completely understand it, I have been there too, but it’s not enough to live. Don’t let it dictate you. He doesn’t own your mutual space. I’d just sit next to that fear? I do think most days, after awhile, it can leave you. I won’t say it gets better, that’s trite and inaccurate for a lot of people. Some days are worse than others. But after awhile, it is there less and less, becomes less and less important, because of the space of who you are, where you are now, and how far you have come from that point in your life. And you don’t notice it, is the best part. I know it seems like so much, so heavy, and so constant, but you can put that weight down very slowly doing little things. Fear can actually move you to try new things, too, it’s an energy just like anger or love. Maybe you can find a way to use it to stretch yourself into new and fulfilling circumstances. And your body regenerates over time in very miniscule ways: you can take solace in the fact in many ways your body has become unfamiliar to that person who hurt you. That helps, I think. It’s why I get tattoos and such - I like to become unfamiliar, prove new points to myself.
You might be afraid that you will suddenly become the person you were when you were in that situation. But you won’t be, you know. Fundamentally something changed within you and you’re not that person anymore or you’d still be there. You’ve got some freedom - it’s time to work on finding some peace.Â
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