Being black and Aromantic is an experience. When I came out through social media my family felt the need to drill me with questions about my past romantic relationships and why now all a sudden, I’d chosen to go by Aro. I remember talks of bandwagons, even though I can count the number of aro-spec black people I’ve met on one hand with like three fingers. In church when my oldest sister led the prayer, she alluded to how younger kids had so many demons they had to fight, and I instantly knew what she meant. Subsequently, my being Aro had become a thing to pray off and use as a talking point in Sunday school rather than being discussed on a deeper and serious level with just myself. But when we did speak about it the conversations felt like an interrogation. It always felt like black culture couldn’t align much with Aromanticism, especially cause growing up I was taught that marriage was the end goal and that’s what I should want but I don’t think marriage was in my plans. I would dream of having dogs and living alone in a big house instead of having a romantic partner.
For me being Aro and black is an interesting intersection because romance is very much portrayed in black narratives in both good and bad ways, but it’s never talked about in the capacity to which I experience alloromanticism. Alloromanticism is never ‘the decline of romantic attraction’ or ‘the strong romantic attraction to people only when I know them just as well as I know myself’. With my demiromantic identity people don’t understand the difference it has from regular attraction . My attraction is fluid so in the case of when I feel more Demi I’m glued to one person and one person only for a really long time. Attraction like that is what I wish was shown on TV and not just packaged as someone who's got an obsession and needs to get over someone. They could be Demiromantic. A thing I love about being Aro-spec is how comfortable it feels. Like I don’t feel this overwhelming need to perform. If my partner knows I’m on the Aro-spec they know it’s best not to try to force romantic gestures or even be offended by my lack of attraction at times.
...
How come black women just can’t experience attraction a bit differently from how everyone says we should. So many black and brown men and women probably have to repress the way they feel and run the risk of being the bad guy because no one would understand or want to navigate the ways in which they experience Aromanticism. They bottle it up and when things go wrong probably find it easier to just blame themselves for not being enough or their partner when really, they just have to look into themselves and their orientation. I think black women could feel more assertive in themselves if they realized that they can be Aromantic and not pushed into this box where they have to play a role they don’t want to play. Black women deserve to explore romantic orientations as well as sexual ones and have a deep dive into how they feel. And that should be respected.
To black Aromantic people I say keep pushing the odds, keep daring to form a new mold for black kids to come because we’re drowned in content and media that tells us we’re overly sexualized and romanticized and that can change with us. Our families and friends may not understand, the world may not even understand, but as long as you get who you are that’s honestly all that matters. As a collective we can help each other learn and grow, we can push each other in our advocacy and know it’s not a competition. All our efforts should be us trying to get Aromanticism to be taken as seriously as any other orientation.
Being Aroflux and Black by Kimberly Butler (@/TheAsexualGoddess) on AUREA (2021)
Warning I'm just rambling into the void...welcome to my page lol. I want to start writing here on tumblr- because although i still do like Substack i feel like i can be informal here and make less sense lol. I want to start documenting my life a lillll online again, but in the slight void safety of my tumblr LOL.
Enjoy!
Hm. Well this has been a new identity found through therapy. Things have officially started making sense 😭.
The jokes lowkey write themselves because why'd my therapist suggest it with 7 days left in pride month LOLLLLL GOODBYEEEJEJWKWKKW.
I had never really brought up dating in therapy (mostly because i never have dated anyone, but I've been out on a few dates...nothing really got me to stick around though) but after talking the other day about how i limit myself in daily life or place rules and regulations on my own life, she asked me just as an example on if i had any around dating and well.... 😭
i always thought my way of attraction and pursual was just me being extremely picky, ridiculous high standards, not being interested (the whole it'll come eventually! Waiting for the right person! It'll happen whenever! Vibe)...etc. come to find out...bestie there's a term for needing extreme emotional connection first with someone 😭. I came across the term Demisexual when i was like 12 or 13, and i remember be like "hmm that sounds like me!!" But then just moving on.
13 years later this is my first time hearing someone else know of the term that isn't chronically online like i am and it shook me to my core can't lie.
It honestly feels like i can take a deep breath now. Dating has been extremely shaky for me because i have never just been attracted to or seen someone as attractive off rip- i always needed to be friends first (which im learning adults??? Don't really do???) and i always thought something was wrong with me or i was just "slow" to the game. People want to move a mile a minute and it's a hugeeeeee stop sign for me altogether. I don't even feel attracted to someone until i know them for awhile and have never really been the type to feel attracted to the physical. I have like zero "specifications" or ideas of what my type is besides....a man...and him being Black. That's all i got LMAOOO.
Yet the few crushes I've had throughout my life were always people I'd known for 3-5, and once 10+ years first. We had classes together since elementary school...or we had classes together every year of high school. I didn't like anyone in college....mostly because it was too hard to always see the same people. (Went to a university of 30,000 lmao) i got really comfy seeing and talking to him all the time and thus the attraction jumped out. Mind you i just thought like oh it just takes me a second but girl 6 years? Plssssss 😭.
All this rambling to say...i feel good about (potentially???? Surely???) being demi. It feels really nice to know there are other people who think like i do- cause i had no clue there were levels. If you ask me if im asexual id probably say.....no.....? LMAOOOSJAJWJ but the fact that its a shaky no is kinda a tell. I know sexuality isn't a one size fits all have to fit into this label moment, so im not going to start yelling from the rooftops or anything, but...hearing my therapist basically validate after 3 years of seeing her something i haven't thought about since i was 12 was wild. I always wondered why i never really partook in the dating or sexual topic conversations with friends or "ooo girl he's so fine!" And I'd look and just be like... "sure!" (I just thought we didn't really have the same tastes- which, valid, but then looking into my minds eye and realizing NO one has been attractive or gotten my attention that way....ever...? Oh! Hehe haha!)
I forgot to mention when i started talking to a friend and telling her my therapist was talking about sexuality with me she goes "oh did you realize you were demisexual?" WITHOUT ME MENTIONING IT I-
Wow.
Therapy is worth it. And i love my amazing and supportive friends 😭.
Kinda random for one of my first ever posts- but I’ve missed yelling into the void of tumblr and haven’t in so long so I’m so excited to be back. I originally was a part of the art community, but after the rise of AI and the crazy censoring of many of my favorite artists, I took a step back from tumblr. Howeverrrrrrrrr
I’ve missed the blog aspect. Substack was too many people trying entirely too hard constantly i had to GOOOO!
Back to the main focus of this post though- I moved out of my first big girl apartment today and it’s such a bittersweet moment. While i feel like i will miss living on my own, I’m honestly so excited to be living with such a close friend and excited for the new journey. My first apartment got me through so much and helped me learn myself especially after a hectic home and college experience. I’ve already did my lil sappy physical journal entry and took as many last photos as i could, so now all that’s left to do is enjoy our new apartment.
bingewatching will never come close to bingereading. there is nothing like blocking out the entire Earth for ten hours to read a book in one sitting no food no water no shower no bra and emerging at the end with no idea what time it is or where you are, a dried-up prune that's sensitive to light and loud noises because you've been in your room in the dark reading by the glow of a single LED. it's like coming back after a three-month vacation in another dimension and now you have to go downstairs and make dinner. absolutely transcendental
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