Chloe Rose

Roses are beautiful, yet are armed with prickles for protection. Here is my journey of slowly stripping my stems of my prickles—emotionally, physically, and mentally.

[meandmybrokenself]

Fun thoughts: growth is realizing your thought process has been reframed from a previous “oh god, I’m turning into my mother” to “hmm interesting I share a lot of my mothers positive qualities” 👍🏻

[tylerknott]

[hplyrikz]

Clear your mind here

[observando]

[hplyrikz]

Clear your mind here

[meandmybrokenself]

Body shaming.

I was always so close to so many who were body shamed. I tried to console and be supportive, but often I was confronted with responses similar to “You don’t understand. You’re thin and blonde and beautiful,” or “You’d never understand; you’re privileged.” No, I’ve never known what it feels like to have a little extra weight... No, I’ve never been above the considered-to-be-healthy BMI...

Does that mean I love my body? No.

Does that mean I’ve never been bullied? No.

Does that mean I don’t have crippling anxiety over one or more of my physical aspects? No.

I understood the feelings of shame. I understood the feelings of disapproval. I understood the feelings of hatred for a unaccepting and judgmental society. I understood how a lot of that anger and hatred was often projected towards self body image. I understood, yet I was constantly told I didn’t.

I began to believe that I didn’t understand. I began to believe that all of my struggles were lesser than others’. I developed a warped sense of shame for believing myself to understand others’ pain. I learned not to be ashamed of my body, but that shame never left me... that shame settled deep into the core of my being. It crept into other aspects of my life and rotted away my self esteem. 

I stopped talking about my issues—my disappointments, my failures, my hurt feelings. I shoved them down because they were “lesser.” I got used to not having a voice. I got used to not trusting my inner voice. I learned how to go against my intuition of what love was and I turned it into some conditional idea... “My mom could never love someone imperfect,” slowly morphed to “I could never deserve love; I’m imperfect,” —my most crippling mental falacy. If I’m imperfect, I not only don’t deserve external love, but I feel as though I don’t deserve any self love. My anxiety runs rampant and I begin the sickening spiral of self-loathing and self-annihilation.

I am imperfect. I have flaws. I have shortcomings.

I am also smart, determined, caring. I’ve become more patient, more accepting, more loving.

Now how to extend this treatment to myself...?

[meandmybrokenself]

Running

Half of my life has been spent running... running from friends I felt unworthy of, running from jobs where I didn’t seem to fit, running from people who have made me feel uncomfortable.

I project my own fears onto others and convince myself that I’m better off without the person... without the judgment they project, without the disapproval.

I avoid those who make me feel weird—not special, but weird. I have some interesting quarks that I’ve always been ashamed of... My sense of humor generally seems to shock others into reacting; a quick burst of surprised laughter. My inability to form full sentences because my mind moves at lightening speed compared to my snail of a mouth. Among others.

I’ve come to realize that I project my fear-based accusations onto others—I believe their minds mirror my anxious inner monologue. In reality, this is almost never the case. And, if it is, so what? If I spend all of my time avoiding people and situations that have made me uncomfortable, how will I measure my growth?

I simply cannot just remove myself from the painful world around me. I must face my discomfort. I must face my fears and irrational thought patterns.

[plaztic]

[meandmybrokenself]

Its in the build up

I’m putting the pressure on my relationships.

Even growing up as a young child, I would rehearse how scenarios and conversations could go and how I would react to them. I approached this with positivity and projected a calm I didn’t feel over the possible situations I was imagining.

This is what has changed.

My anxiety controls me because I project it over imagined scenarios in my head. I focus on fear and how difficult it is to begin the task, conversation, etc. ...rather than focus on the positivity that would come from reaching out to a friend...rather than focus on the sense of accomplishment and peace to come after the chores are done... I have unknowingly shifted my focus from positive and immersed to shifty and withdrawn. Can you guess how my life has changed as a result?

[psych2go]

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[extramadness]

[psych2go]

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Read the full article here

[anxietyproblem]

[meandmybrokenself]

It’s okay to feel lonely.

What’s not okay is to isolate yourself from those who make you feel less alone. What’s keeping me from reaching out? What’s keeping me from trusting? A lot of betrayal by those closest to me. Toxic relationship after toxic relationship. The need to appear perfect and composed. The need to feel in control. The knowledge that my need to control other people and situations stems from my inability to control my anxiety and depression. The shame that my negative, irrational thoughts often overpower a mind I once viewed as strong, intelligent, worthy.

How do I learn how to feel intelligent when my mind believes any negative irrational thought in those circumstances? How do I learn to feel strong when my mind is constantly focused on my weaknesses? How do I learn to feel worthy when every voice in my head is taunting my lack of substance?

I’ve found myself in an unhealthy pattern of avoiding responsibilities that could possibly trigger an anxiety attack. I’ve found myself in the unhealthy, hermitty pattern of avoiding all social interaction for fear of losing my shit in public. It’s happened so often. Some little trigger goes unnoticed by my friend, husband, family member, classmate, newly met acquaintance... Next thing they know I’m screaming at them or I’ve gone completely absent, mentally or physically.

One thing I know—this isn’t working for me. Avoiding responsibilities and activities that make me feel happy and accomplished is also hiding me away from beautiful opportunities. New friends, new places, new insights, new experiences...I’ve been missing out on it all.

Is protecting myself really worth the loss I’m experiencing? Is it worth the stunted growth and confusion others express when they learn I’m not “all put together?” Their confusion often brings shame. I hate the difference in the way they look at me...the way they treat me.

I’ve had work friends tell me I don’t have anxiety, it’s just stress.

I’ve had significant others command me to stop being so negative and demeaning...to stop being an attention whore.

I’ve had a parent call me a failure...tell me I’ll be a homeless dropout on the street because I was late to school 3 times in a b a d week.

I’ve had best friends completely walk out of my life because I’m “too angry.”

I’ve had a sister tell me to “get raped out here” when I wasn’t composed enough to leave with her when she was ready to go.

But...

I’m letting these things generally said out of anger or ignorance dictate the way I feel about myself.

The work friend didn’t know any better, he saw my perfect life... He didn’t know I moved so often I kept a bag of things in my car. He didn’t know I had been passed from parent to parent when neither could handle me. He didn’t know that my sister walked out of my life because I asked her to come sit with me the night I had orders from the EMTs to check our mom’s vital signs every 3 hours after she sent her boyfriend at the time a suicidal goodbye message...when I was 17. He didn’t know that my mom’s boyfriend broke up with her in a text and kicked her out of his house by throwing all of her belongings on the front porch...because he didn’t want to be around me. Some people can only meet you as deeply as they’ve met themselves. Unfortunately, it seems that I’ve been surrounding myself with surface level people—people who haven’t or have chosen not to truly connect with themselves.

This is what needs to change. If you read this whole rant, thank you. You know more about my thoughts and trauma than most of the people in my life. I’m fighting the urge to apologize. I can’t continue to feel guilty and ashamed because of my anxiety. It is possible to be rational about being irrational. Time to master this skill.

[meandmybrokenself]

Fell back on my journaling and self-processing/healing. This time I didn’t fall as far back...time to pick it up again.

[meandmybrokenself]

Rant

So my husband has to stop smoking weed for a new job he got. They test and there’s no way around it. He stopped smoking a few days ago and he’s been a royal bitch since—focusing on negativity, avoiding me, refusing to have a full conversation.... This sucks. I’m tired of being the punching bag at the end of a bad day. I’m tired of coming after checking the phone or doing the dishes or putting away laundry. I’ve been brushed past in the house countless times, multiple questions of mine have gone ignored and unanswered, I just haven’t had a partner. He’s been stuck in his negative head and I don’t see any end to it. He went to sleep banging and throwing things because he was pissed. He woke up today sighing and complaining. As someone whose primary love language is quality time, this is leaving me feeling incredibly empty—almost to the point of abandonment. Trying to keep my mind positive when surrounded by negativity has been challenging, especially when I’m battling my own depression and anxiety. I’m struggling but my mantra is “tomorrow will be better”.

Tomorrow will be better.

[meandmybrokenself]

I feel cold on the inside... empty and very very cold

[meandmybrokenself]

Back to procrastinating. I’ve been sitting in the same spot for over an hour. Why do we hold onto the same old negative patterns? They don’t provide us with comfort or warmth or a sense of accomplishment—quite the opposite, really. It’s hard separating habit from mindfully chosen action. I haven’t been thinking about continuing to sit here...I haven’t been wanting to continue to sit here...yet here I am.

Mindfulness: What do I want? To be productive. How can I achieve this? By accomplishing something this morning. What do I need to accomplish? A few tasks I’ve set out for myself over the past week. Plan? ....

I find it easier to detail my thoughts and plans on paper rather than keeping it all jumbled up in my head. It’s easier to stay organized, easier to remember, and easier to then put said plan into action. Here goes step one...

[meandmybrokenself]

Feeling myself