This is a bit of a goofy one but-
Are you familiar with the game Trees Hate You? It's a rage game where you have to avoid trees beating the shit out of you lol
Could you write something where Robert, the master ragebaiter he is, gets Flambae, who canonically has beef with trees, to play this game
And Flambae nearly leaves to actually set a tree on fire in the process
Robert had been vibrating with barely contained excitement since lunch.
It all started during a conversation with Golem, who told him about a game he’d played recently — “You’d love this one. It’s insane. It’s gonna piss you off.”
He even showed Robert a short teaser: a tiny pixelated character getting violently hurled across the screen by what looked like a completely ordinary pine tree. Robert watched the clip closely, his eyes widening more with each second, until the realization hit him with radiant clarity:
Flambae needs to play this.
Robert spent the rest of the day just waiting for the perfect moment.
After dinner, he lingered nearby, listening carefully to the sounds coming from the kitchen. The second Flambae finished with the dishes, Robert called out:
“Babe?” he said loudly enough for Flambae to hear him from the kitchen.
“Yeah?” Flambae called back from the other room.
Robert leaned back slightly in his swivel chair, facing the hallway that led to their makeshift office, wearing a mischievous grin he tried — and failed — to hide when he heard footsteps approaching.
“What?” Flambae asked, resting his shoulder against the doorframe and looking at Robert.
“Come in,” Robert said, a little too excited as he stood up and turned the chair toward Flambae. “Sit.”
Flambae glanced at the chair and raised an eyebrow. “Should I be worried?”
Robert didn’t answer. He simply dragged the chair closer. Flambae huffed but walked over and sat down anyway.
Robert’s smile widened, then he quickly tried to contain it as he climbed into Flambae’s lap.
The game was already open and running. Robert had made sure of that, so Flambae wouldn’t even get a chance to read the title.
When Flambae looked at the screen and saw a tiny character standing beside what looked like a picnic blanket, he assumed it was one of those silly, cozy games Robert liked to play. It looked peaceful. Harmless.
“I’m not your personal chair so you can get comfy playing your stupid little games, bitch,” Flambae muttered, pretending to be annoyed as he adjusted Robert in his lap, one hand settling at his boyfriend’s waist.
Robert shook his head and gestured toward the keyboard with his chin. “You’re playing this one. I’m just watching.”
Flambae hesitated. He looked at the screen again. Then at Robert. Then back at the screen.
With a resigned sigh, he pulled the keyboard closer and pressed the keys to move the pixel character.
“Looks peaceful,” Flambae observed.
There was an obvious stone path to follow, so Flambae guided the character along it — until a tree suddenly swung its canopy down and smacked his character flat.
“What?” Flambae whispered.
On his lap, Robert was shaking with silent laughter, his grin already stretching from ear to ear.
“It’s just a tree. Try again,” Robert encouraged.
Flambae grumbled and restarted, only for his character to die in the exact same spot, taken out by the same tree.
“What the fuck is wrong with that stupid tree, Bob?” Flambae asked, turning to look at him.
Robert reached up and gently rubbed the back of Flambae’s neck. “Try dodging it and keep going.”
Reluctantly, Flambae did.
He restarted and avoided the murderous tree this time. Success. He was still alive.
The character climbed stairs, turned right, then forward along another stone path, when another innocent-looking tree pulled out a gun and shot him.
“What the hell?!” Flambae shouted at the screen.
Robert burst out laughing.
Flambae let out a dry, disbelieving laugh and tried to shove Robert off his lap. “I’m not playing this. This is stupid.”
“No, no, no,” Robert insisted, tightening his hold and refusing to move. “Keep going. I wanna see you finish it.”
Flambae stayed seated, but refused to hit restart.
So Robert restarted it for him. “I’ll help.”
Flambae accepted, mostly because he was apparently trapped by his own boyfriend.
Robert did help… sometimes. Mostly, though, he laughed while Flambae’s character got brutally murdered by trees over and over again.
Flambae grew increasingly irritated, but he was hooked now. Determined. Those smug, bark-covered bastards were not going to win. They weren’t better than him.
“Watch out for tha–” Robert tried to warn between fits of laughter that made his stomach ache.
“I SEE THE TREE, ROBERT!” Flambae snapped, shifting in the chair like it would somehow help. “Stupid fucking tree!”
A pine tree fell from the sky and crushed his character into the ground.
Flambae let out a high, outraged yell. “THIS IS RIDICULOUS!”
Robert lost it. He wasn’t even pretending to be polite anymore. His laughter was loud, breathless, and almost tearful.
“Baby, you gotta dodge–” Robert tried again once he recovered enough to speak.
The game’s music remained serenely peaceful in the background while branches repeatedly slammed the tiny character into the dirt. Canopies crushed him alive. A ball of leaves launched him across the screen. Trees sprouted from underground just to kill him. Roots tripped him mid-run.
“I’M GONNA BURN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THESE FUCKERS!”
Flambae’s posture stiffened beneath Robert. His shoulders locked tight with tension. His jaw clenched. Every three steps, another bark-covered ambush slammed into him. Another violent collision of wood and pixel flesh.
Near the end, after painstakingly collecting a coin — with Robert’s help — Flambae inserted it into an arcade machine inside the game. Now he was playing a game within the game, desperately dodging the trees chasing him.
He got killed in the arcade.
And outside it.
“That’s it! I’m out!” Flambae slammed his hands down on the desk. “I’m burning every tree and sapling I see in this city!”
Robert leaned in and kissed Flambae’s temple. “Come on, you’re at the last checkpoint.”
“No.” Flambae crossed his arms. “Those trees hate me.”
Robert’s eyes nearly sparkled at that. He laughed again, quieter this time, and let go of Flambae’s hair to pull the keyboard toward himself.
“Fine, fine. I’ll finish it,” Robert said, still deeply satisfied from all the laughter Flambae had given him.
Then, like it was the easiest thing in the world, Robert finished the game in two minutes.
And then he replayed it in challenge mode. He beat it in eight.
“So a truck driving tree still kills you at the end?” Flambae mocked, arms still crossed, watching Robert beat the final boss. “Is there an angel tree too? This game is bullshit.”
Flambae remained deeply offended. His hatred of trees had been reignited with renewed intensity.
His rivalry with large plants had never felt so personal.
And the moment Robert wasn’t looking, Flambae fully intended to delete that game from the computer.
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