I've been looking for a place to write down my feelings where I can leave it and feel like it's seen but also not seen you know? I have journals but it's still only to me. I don't need replies, just where I hope someone can glimpse at it. Lame and attention seeking I know but it's already making me feel better writing this stuff out.
I'm pretty much getting ready to get my heart broken. Been with someone for a little over a year and known them for almost 2 in November (we met on hinge). Lately anytime we talk about future events, he often adds "if we go", "if we are still together", "let's see what the future holds". Before we use to just by the tickets and be excited. Now I feel like I'm on a trial run to see if I meet his standards in the next few months.
I was at a concert with him (our last planned event except for one more in December) and right before the main act came on, I asked him if he got tickets for a show in December for his fav group. He said yes. I told him I'm excited to see them again. He proceeds to say "maybe if I take you. We'll see" honestly my heart broke. Then the main act started. The first half of the show was me trying to not start bawling. Like how do you react to start? This change just shook me and I can say I wasn't expecting it but I guess I this point I shouldn't be surprised. I feel like the last couple of months he would say things along that line "work hard, treat me well" I can't stand him saying that. As if he hasn't backed out on our plans, not treat me for my birthday.
The biggest issue is that I don't have my license and don't have a car. Yes 28 and I don't have those. I just had other priorities and payments. Now living in oc, it's been hard to be here without one and I do regret not trying to get it sooner. Just hard when I don't have a way to practice or a car to use. I feel like a burden. Besides that though, I try to make it up to him in every other aspect.
I've been stressed out lately on whether or not it's worth the hurt. I try to find the words to explain to him how his words hurt but I already know his answer. He will say it's my fault for taking it that way or if he is wrong. That I'm making excuses. I just feel so confused cause he tells me he appreciate and adores me, but tells me to treat him better ?!?! What about him?! I understand from his past relationship why he is so hesitant to love fully, but so am I. I hold myself back so I don't overwhelm him, but what about my feelings.
I just want someone to love me and tell me I'm worth it. That I'm their priority. I'm just so tired of being pushed aside. I want to feel important to someone. I try and plan so many things and he always just leaves me so disappointed. It's hard cause I can't really be mad like he is trying to makeup time with his family and focus on people that are important to him. I just have to come to terms that I will never be important to him. That this is just a comfy place for him, a pitstop.
Honestly I think he's worried about being committed. That maybe it's too easy. To good to be true. I hope it's that. But a lot of the time the dark thoughts come in, telling me that I'm not someone he wants to end up with. That he can do better than me. That he's ashamed of me. That he's embarrassed of me. Those are the thoughts that hurt. It gets harder and harder to want to plan things. To find the time for us to hangout. I used to try so hard and get left hanging last minute. Sometimes I wonder if I do make things to easy. He's says I'm so nice. I care about him, that's why I try my best for him. Doesn't he see that? Yes I'm nice but to him, for him, I do so much more.
I want him, but I think he just wants me temporarily. I guess now it's just a matter of time where something has to give. I know if I leave, he wouldn't care. Maybe for a lil. But I just feel like he's already distancing himself from me. It's probably why he says "you and who I date after" before it used to come from a place of understanding, now I take it as a sign. There's no more "if".
I just want someone to love me like I love them. I just feel so left in the dust. Why can't I have someone be proud of me and not hide me away? All these fake promises. It's just so irritating because he'll show he cares for me but says things that contradict. Even if I drove, he wouldn't have time for me. He spends his time off resting and visiting family. I haven't met his family and I don't think he will. For what reason?
I'm just so hurt. I been thinking about letting him go. At this point, I don't know why he stays. I just feel like he's been trying to figure out a way to leave. I wish someone would fight for me. I'm tired of trying to fight for people who don't give me the attention I deserve. I don't think he would care at all when I leave. He barely has time for me anyways. Sigh... I don't know what to do.
He probably wants to enjoy a single life that he barely got. I just want him to be happy, with or without me. Honestly, my biggest fear would come true. That I was never good enough.
If you read all of this, Thanks and you kinda crazy.
kaledo-art
romaincrisis
vaporwave
jacobvanloon
turnnoffyourmind
germansingergirl
