My cumbersome fight in having female friends.
I have had a troublesome history of finding friends. I understand that struggle is not uncommon but because of the countless stories I see and hear on the internet and in person. I will not call out any particular names here but I will use the first letter of their name and years of association to distinguish my different failed attempts.
I think that this all started from a young age watching children's shows where the characters have all these close friends and I didn't understand how it was possible. For me, once I get a bad feeling about someone I pull away. I know that is an issue. But my gut instinct has been right about many people.
Let's start with friend number one. I met this girl in elementary. I considered her a best friend. It was M& M together all the time. Our last names started with the same letter so I often was next to her in assigned seatings. We got along well. We liked similar things up until around the fourth grade.
As things became cool and not cool, we drifted apart. I still loved the girly things. I still loved the innocence I was not trying to be like the others and she did. I later found out that many of the things that people had found out about me that were personal came from M. She acted like I could trust her but she was enemy number one when I thought it was someone else.
Someone else who was more open about not liking me and wanting to mess with me. A few years later, talking about in high school I ran into M. She had apologized for everything she had done and claimed she had gone religious and wanted to right her wrongs.
I played dumb and asked what she meant. She said she was genuinely my friend at first and then she wasn't. She got caught up in what other people cared about and followed the mob of shitty people. I knew that when M had crossed me I needed to be more careful about what I shared and what I didn't.
The next lady on the list is Y. I met Y at the tail end of elementary school sooo like 2007. We became close quickly. The summer before high school we had spent just about every day together walking around the neighborhood, eating at McDonald's, painting each other's nails, and talking about how much we were ready to be high schoolers.
I had not been able to be part of the pre-high school seminars that were scheduled and Y made friends during those. The first day of high school, like a switch she acted like she didn't know me anymore. I being a 13-year-old girl at that time was so angry about the "betrayal."
We technically never made up after that. We parted ways. I joined many different groups of people trying to figure out where I belonged. Y liked the drama of high school and made a name for herself. We had a few tifs on rumors but nothing too severe to mention specifically. We just had a fallout.
The next lady, this was junior year of high school sooo like 2010? This girl is S. S was part of a group that I managed to find my way in. S had been more popular and more known than me. And I always felt like her project. S tried to change the way I dressed and carried myself. Again, similar to my other friendships we had lots of time spent together.
We liked going to the mall. We liked talking shit about the high school boys. But something didn't feel right with S. It seemed like more of a pitty friendship with me. Didn't feel earnest. S was my prom date and we were very close at least I thought we were up until after graduation. I do not remember what it was that caused our friendship to end but it did.
As time passed I reflected a lot about how I had changed to make S like me more. I did things I was not comfortable doing. I changed how I acted and it wasn't really me.
Now it is time for big girl, adult me, and the failed friendships that continued. I started working around 2012. I was 18 and got hired at Olive Garden. I was as friendly as I could be during my time there but I didn't make many long-term friendships. I was also in college at this point. Not exactly raking in large crowds of people to hang out with.
Now that I was legally an adult, people wanted to go places and do things that required money. I was making shit at OG and most of the money I was making was to pay for school.
I made a few friends during my time in college but again no relationships like what I have seen in the media. None of these people wanted to hang out all the time. Many of us are busy. Many of us are tired from being busy. No one tells you when you become an adult free time isn't always a thing.
Next female friendship to note, let us call her E. E isn't someone I call my friend directly but she is someone to note. I again have my gut opinions that I try to listen to. From the moment I met E something did not seem right. She had been a friend of a friend who sometimes joined in adventures. E, every time I saw her always had a "crazy story to tell."
E told us that she had a boyfriend and then she didn't. E would always talk about how she can never trust anyone and ironically I don't think E had ever said anything 100% truthful. E lied about her age to make herself a legal age to go places. E always had someone else ID because " she lost hers".
E constantly would say things that never sounded right. One day I decided to check my school yearbook. I saw E a few classes behind us. Meaning either E had flunked two years or got held back or my assumption that she was lying about her age was correct. I told the other girls in the group that I did not know how to feel about E. They made excuses for her and said that she was a nice girl and hadn't technically done anything wrong.
I believe basing friendships, relationships, and any kind of group should not be started in a lie. Someone who lies, especially frequently and with ease should not be trusted.
I am not going to get on a high horse and state I have never lied. Sometimes lying is needed to not hurt someone's feelings, sometimes it is needed to do a surprise properly, and sometimes it is for your own protection. But I do have an issue when I am being lied especially if it is over dumb ass things.
Why are you lying about your age? Why are you lying about how relationships ended and how you are never to blame? Why do you tell stories about other people and frame them as your own lived experience? Why? Pathological liars do not make sense to me.
Eventually, the truth will always come out.
Again back to my issue with being lied to. I have been lied to often. I have been gaslit by people often and it is something I feel passionate about.
DO NOT believe I am 100% gullible.
Because I have been hurt by many whom I have trusted in the past I became super observant. Family members have hurt me. Friends. School officials. Men I have dated. So on and so forth.
I like to keep mental notes of things said and done. Do not try to test how much I am or not paying attention.
I do not like that I am so guarded but many times I became vulnerable to someone I thought I could trust, and they hurt me.
Last failed relationship, let's say her name is Betty. I have been advised to put myself out there more. I got on the friendship apps trying to branch out.
Something told me there was something odd about Betty but I continued. Betty is also on the app to meet people. I figured we were both adult woman and that the high school years should be way behind us but as I went on these apps I realized many ppl just want their friendship counts online higher. They want more likes. They want Instagram-able moments and I became saddened. I have met a few people through this avenue.
One, who I get along with very well. We seem to understand sometimes we can be abrasive and that is from our terrible childhoods. These recent friendships are only months long at this point but I do see the differences in these women.
Betty at first seemed normal. She seemed like she could be someone I could count on to do things with. As we began to tell each other more personal things my radar began to rise. Things she has told me, I have a hard time believing but I had no reason to say anything. Give her the benefit of the doubt. But as time went on her stories began to be more and more sus. I remember E. E lied most likely cuz she wanted to be part of the group. She wanted to tell similar stories and feel heard. But this was a late teens or early twenties type of thing.
When you are over the age of 25 I don't see myself making excuses for inexcusable things.
As an adult, I have a full-time job. I am not able to have much time to give. And as I got older and more and more of my peers began to have families and other priorities my friend list became smaller and smaller.
If I plan to meet someone I want to be cognizant of their time given. Don't waste my time. Be on time. Be present. Be mindful.
What is the purpose of planning a hangout and pretending to be on your phone? What is the point of the planning if you are always late and not mindful of the time? What is the point of lying about who and when people call you or text you?
If you are going to lie, keep your lies in check. When you stumble, I notice and check in my head.
Does it make you feel important? Special? Sinister? Think you have one over me cuz I am so silly and not aware?
Building relationships are built on trust. Relationships are built on liability. Can I trust that you will be there if I can even trust that what you said to me is even the truth?
Again, here I am just reflecting. I do not like to be hurt. No one does. Friendships failing hurts. Feeling like an idiot trusting someone hurts. Being brutal and honest hurts.
I can not be around someone who I don't feel I can trust. I don't intend to make enemies with anyone but when I am hurt, I cut you off. If I have any indication that something does not seem right, I'll give a courtesy mention.
Which I feel I did, lies still continue and I leave.
Where are the people who think similar to me? I feel like I am one of the few who truly cannot stand liars and deceitful people and choose to avoid them at all costs.
Again a lie here or there that doesn't hurt anyone okay…But when it is clusters of lies when you can't even get your stories straight I have issues.
Be real with yourself.
Be honest.
Be mindful of others and their experiences.
Be loyal.
Be dependable.
Be you.
Anyone else want to provide insight, opinions, thoughts feel free to
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