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[melissaizzo-blog1]

Going places.

I’ll be finished with my BSN degree in one week. I recently started my career as a registered nurse in the ICU at my local hospital. I share a home with my incredible husband and our two dogs/children, Daisy and Sierra. So as I’m sitting here thinking about the fact that in one week I will be completely done with my nursing degree, I’m wondering... what’s next? Morgan and I are getting ready to leave for England in a few days; we’re only going for a week, but it’ll be a nice getaway none the less. I’m excited to go, but when we get back I feel like I’m starting a new chapter in my life. A chapter where my life involves working three twelve-hour shifts a week, and... And what else? I’ve never had more than a few weeks off of school, and now I’m completely finished. No longer will I constantly have the feeling that there’s something I should be working on for school. No more guilt for doing something fun when I should be writing a paper or figuring out how to APA cite an article. While I’m overjoyed to have a break from the stress, I’m also terrified about what to do with all of my time. I’m so scared that I’m going to waste my life away by not utilizing my days off. But what exactly does that mean for me? What is it going to take for me to feel like I’m living my life to the fullest? I haven’t been able to travel much, and I know that there is so much out there that I want to see and experience. So what am I going to do now? I’m going to get out there and see as much of the world as I can. 

As I get older, I feel like I’m having these “ah-ha” moments more and more frequently. I’m realizing how short life is, and how the things I do and choices I make directly impact how I feel. I don’t particularly like working out, but I love the way I feel after a workout and hate the way I feel if I don’t do the workout. I’ve learned that life isn’t as simple as black and white, good and bad, right and wrong. We live largely in a gray area where we dictate what is right and wrong for us personally; what we can live with and what we can’t. The anxiety that I had about having to finish my school assignments has been replaced with a new anxiety about what I’m going to do now that my schooling is complete. I’ve reached this new period in my life where I have the freedom to choose how I spend my time. Albeit I’m limited by a budget, considering I do have bills and student loans to pay. I can’t just book a private jet and set off to Australia because that’s how I want to spend my Thursday off (that would be really awesome though). So now the task at hand is finding the balance between how much money I can spend on traveling and how much I need to properly “adult,” aka keep my power on and car from getting repossessed. 

I’ve learned over the years that I’m not the type of person to just “chill” on my days off. Or to just “chill” in general, really. I don’t get a sense of satisfaction after a relaxing afternoon on the couch catching up on TV shows. I usually end up feeling worse after. Feeling like I wasted an afternoon. I get a stirring sensation in my chest and a nagging thought that there was a better way I could have spent my time. I wish I could enjoy spending time doing nothing, but there’s a strong part of me that insists our time is better spent doing something else. It doesn’t know what that “something else” is, but it makes the notion very clear that there is “something else” better to do. The more that I realize the things that I can do to make myself feel good, and the things that I do which foster negative feelings, the more I think I should just accept that this is the way I am. Instead of fighting it, I’m going to embrace this self-realization and seek out new ways to make myself feel better. If I know I’m going to feel accomplished after doing something, I’m going to find the motivation to do it. Whether that be meal prepping for the week, taking the girls for a long walk, or cleaning the house when I’ve been putting it off. I’m going to do it, because I know that I’ll feel great if I do and bad if I don’t. I’m going to spend some time planning out trips and budgeting how to make them happen. I’m going to utilize my free time and do what it takes to live my life and feel good about how I’m living it. I’m going to harness my anxiety and turn it into motivation. This new chapter will be unlike anything I’ve experienced before, and I’m so excited to make it mine.