I am an optimistic nihilist
melted moonlight

bliss lane

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we're not kids anymore.

Origami Around

oozey mess

blake kathryn
Xuebing Du
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taylor price

#extradirty
Today's Document
EXPECTATIONS
Misplaced Lens Cap
Not today Justin
let's talk about Bridgerton tea, my ask is open
2025 on Tumblr: Trends That Defined the Year
Show & Tell
he wasn't even looking at me and he found me
Jules of Nature
The Stonewall Inn

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@melted-moonlight
I am an optimistic nihilist
melted moonlight
#13
I was on the brown line heading home.
The train rumbled at the stain of being the veins of my crooked city,
A little girl was sitting on her mom's lap, the mom was fast asleep, no doubt tired of being a parent all day.
She saw me writing in a as journal wrinkled as a burlap sack.
She saw the ink that slid down my arms, the ink that tainted the page.
What is that? She asked, pointing a single feeble toddler finger at my note book.
It's a graveyard, I told her.
A place you bury all your have beens and all your have never beens.
A place where you can hang your nightmares and raise wilted roses of ideas into strong sunflowers.
A place where you can fall for anything and anyone.
A place where I plant dandelions just so that I can have spare wishes.
A place where rules don't apply. Where every mistake has a tombstone made of ink, and every achievement has a monument erected from the lines of pages.
Because the paper we write on is sacred in itself.
The page is born sacred of oak trees and was raised to hold emotions within its borders.
The very paper you write on holds history itself in its hands,
The paper you write on is married to every year,
It in itself is sacred.
And when you use this page to bury your sunlight, when every night you find melted moonlight seeping out of the page, when the page shakes at the burden of keeping your ideas confined to the page,
That,
is sacred,
I finished and looked over at her,
The girl's eyes were glazed over with awe,
And as the train stopped at my stop I got up to leave,
And the girls mom woke up, and in a toddler like way the little girl tugged the moms sleeve, pointed a single feeble toddler finger at me, and said:
Look ma, he’s the boy with the graveyard in his journal,
#12
This is an ode to those that almost made it,
This is for the “better luck next time” and the almost
second place,
This is for all the participation awards and third place kahoot winners,
This is for the ones that almost made it,
Because we grow up so damn sure we will be rock stars and that even the sky will bend down to get our autographs,
Because the “almost second place” try to catch their dreams with a butterfly net they crafted themselves at night dreaming of stages and fame. They made this net to catch their dreams and now it goes unused rotting in a corner. Crafted for a butterfly that was never there.
Because we are all told to grow up catching fireflies that have long ago burnt out,
Because half dead dandelions and burnt out birthday candles don't do their jobs, because they sit there idle while our dreams burn out. Because eye lashes are lazy and wishing wells aren't in use anymore.
And we wish upon aged starlight,
But my brother used to tell me,
He used to tell me that the stars we see are already dead, and that the things we see are only their light that is just getting to us, that stars are so far away that by the time their light is in our sky they have long since died,
That what we see is the legacy of Red Giants and White Dwarfs, that we see everything they ever thought in the infinite folds of time and space, but never do we see their light while they are alive.
And hell, maybe our names won't be echoed by fans at a rock concert or by history books, but, if you look at the stars just right,
You will find your name.
#11
Know that the universe will be there to tuck you in with a blanket made of know that the fireflies will be your nightlight and you will fall asleep under time and space. Now that the dandelions will make your wishes become dreams and that sun flowers will be your dream catchers. Let monarch butterflies be alarm clocks, let the morning dew miss you, let the melted moonlight condensation. Don't wake up till the grass grows dew, don't wake up until the birds wake up and then let them get the early worm. Because in sleep know that you can and will fulfill all your dreams. Because at the end of the day you know that sleeping outside the moon will look after you, Know that she is looking after you and that nothing you do will make her turn her back on you. You will fall asleep in moonlight and wake up sunlight.
#10
For when I buy a house
Remember that it should creak at every other step. Let it be a small house that has some problems but not too many. Remember that if it is old it at least has the benefit of experience. Make sure to see how many fireflies live in the area before you buy it. Be sure that dandelions grow in the backyard and be sure that the neighbors won't mind for you blasting music. Make sure that the roof is accessible for midnight picnics with the moon. Make sure the front yard has a big oak tree for shade and a tire swing. The stairs should creak as you walk into the room. Exposed brick and repurposed wood should cover the house, not because it's being hipster or anything, just because it's old and cool. The basement should be creepy and the house itself has to be a character. Not a neat cookie cutter apartment, something with a real soul. The outside should be painted a faded sky blue and the garage should have cool relics the previous owner left behind.
#9
Apricity: The warmth of sunlight during the wintertime.
Mellifluous: A sound that is sweet or pleasing to hear.
Ineffable: Too great to be expressed in words.
Hiraeth: Being homesick for a place you can't return or a place that never was.
Somnambulist: A person who sleepwalks.
Epoch: A period of time in someone's life.
Sonorous: An imposingly deep and full sound.
Serendipity: The chance occurrence of events in a beneficial way.
Illicit: Not legally permitted.
Limerence: To be infatuated with a person.
Bombinate: To make humming noises.
Petrichor: the smell of earth after a rain.
Iridescent: To display a set of rainbow like colors.
Supine: Lying on your back/face upwards.
Luminescence: Light produced by chemical, electrical, or physiological means.
Aurora: Dawn.
Syzygy: An alignment of celestial bodies.
Phophes: Light produced by rubbing your eyes, those circle things.
Ephemeral: Lasting a short time.
Incandescence: Light produced by high temperatures.
Denouement: The resolution of a narrative.
Vellichor: The strange wistfulness of used book stores.
Eloquence: The art of using language in an apt fluid way.
Defenestration: The act of throwing someone out a window.
Sonder: The realization that all stanger passersby have a life as complicated as you and are not just 2 dimensional extras in the film of your life.
Quire: 24 sheets of paper.
Opia: The ambiguous intensity of looking someone in the eye. It can feel invasive and vulnerable.
Monachopsis: The subtle but persistent feeling of being out of place.
Rubatosis: The unsettling awareness of your own heart beat.
Kenopsia: The forlorn atmosphere of a place that is usually busy but is now empty.
Anecdoche: A conversation where everyone is talking but nobody's listening.
Adronitis: The frustration of how long it takes to get to know someone.
Liberosis: The desire to care about less things
# 8
For when it rains/ a brief word on romanticizing trees and paper
Go out there and play in the rain. Let the moonlight soak through your skin, let the moonlight soak through your clothe, let it baptize you with time. Let the water soak through your hair and penetrate deep into your scalp. Let it curl around your lip and get stuck in the crevice between the top and bottom lip. Remember the train is sacred.
Remember that rain is a cloud that came down to say hi. Remember that clouds are made of dandelion fluff, the dreams of young kids and angel remnants. Remember that you are touching the past as far back as the dinosaurs when it rains on you. That that water has seen more than all of humanity combined. That the angel remnants and dandelion fluff, that the half fragment dreams that are soaking your clothes will clean it better than anything. Remember that there is nothing more holy than a rain in a city with a corrected skyline. Remember that there are days where it does not rain, and on those days the dryness of evil seeps into our lives, cracking out lips and scorching our hands.
But when it rains we will find dreams half forgotten in heaven, we will find our ancestors diluted into the rain, we can find the dead and lost balloons that lost their way halfway to heaven, that came back down for one final goodbye. That as the ground soaks the trees will be fed. And the angel dust and dreams of little kids will feed the trees, feed to another eternal year of marriage and rings. And this tree has seen shit too. Married to every year this tree was born of sin and salvation, it has seen shit you could not imagine happening. It has seen the world molded and changed, it has been through cold winters and hot summer and it holds in it fossilized sunlight and that sunlight has seen the star up close and it is trapped in the tree. Because trees drink starlight for breakfast, because they drink moonlight for dinner. Because the paper we write on has been made from trees.
The paper we write on has hundreds of years of history woven into the fibers of the pulp. We write on space and time and sunlight and moonlight.
#7
You are the one that falls in love with dandelions not roses.
You are the one that stays up till 12, trying to catch tomorrow, trying in vain to catch your future.
The one who spends hours catching fireflies with baby cousins, the one who makes wishes on eyelashes and birthday candles and shooting stars and wishbones and everything else.
You are the one that gets lost in books written in dark ink.
The one who laughs at tragedy, the one who drowns in dandelion fluff.
The one who lives in a different world.
The one who lives in magical realism, the one that lets magic seep into his life.
The one that knows the way the sky bends in the moments before its collapse, the one that has been through shit but still has air in his lungs.
Because you have a heart in your chest, you have a pulse and air in your lungs. DOnt fuck it up now, you've come too damn far for that.
Remember that you are a fighter, remember that you were bred from hard work and lucha libre, that you were molded by hardworking underrecognized heros, remember that you came from eloteros and policemen circling your block, remember that paleteros knew you by name and that you went broke for your girlfriends and baby cousins.
Know that you came from a city with train tracks for veins, where every damn minute someone did something that mattered, you were bred in a city of innovation, in a city of love and pride and a place of change.
#6
Remember that you are left with choices outside of your domain, remember that you never really know what's going to happen, that there are times where you are not in control of your fate. Where maybe you're swept off your feet by a rose. But know that roses don't always help you. They look nice but they have thorns. Remember that roses are not your type of flower. Remember that roses are not so pretty when they wilt, remember that the thorns catch on your skin.
No, fall for dandelions.
You are a dandelion not a rose. If she doesn't want to get breakfast at midnight, or watch the sunrise or take a nap in a hammock then she isn't for you. If she doesn't want to read poetry on the CTA or won't go climb buildings and go to the silos and spray paint and leave marks on our city then she isn't for you. If she isn't fine with you showing up at her house at three in the morning with 2 bowls and one spoon, a half gallon of chocolate milk and cocoa puffs, then she isn't the one for you. If she isn't ready to have arguments on the best ice cream and best stores, favorite kisses and best flowers she isn't the one for you. If when you ask her for her favorite shape of animal cracker and she can't answer immediately she isn't the one for you. If she doesn't want to catch fireflies with you or go look at the sand by the lake then she isn't the one for you.
# 5
The tribe of cereal eaters
The tribe of Starcraft players
The tribe of late nights filled with video games and deep thought
The tribe of catching fireflies with baby cousins.
The tribe of lying in the grass on nice days
The tribe of milk enthusiasts
The tribe of tired eyes
The tribe of ink stains hanging under pockets
The tribe of High Jump
The tribe of non party goers
The tribe of “I would rather just stay home”
The tribe of nerdy families
The tribe of dog owners
The tribe of losing my keys all the time
The tribe of day dreaming
The tribe of night thinkers
The tribe of hammock snoozers
The tribe of sunlight loving
The tribe of math despisers
The tribe of spinning in circles until you almost throw up but definitely regret spinning
#4
I wake up. 6:00 AM. My alarm wakes me up every morning with static, with god awful static. I wake up tired from a sleepless night. Around me are pens and notebooks and scraps of paper on my bed. Ink is pooling onto one of my pillows, oozing into the very place my dreams come from. I get changed quickly. Another pair of jeans with ink stains under its pockets like the bags under my eyes. In the brisk coolness of Fall I walk to the brown line. The trees have cast aside their leaves, but only with different shades of brown. No leaves are a fiery orange or a dark red. Only brown.
It is here where all of my sins pour like steaming water onto page. The dark ink slathers the page. The page is weighed down with the burden of containing everything within its confines. The ink bleeds through. The dense darkness of the ink is stained on my hands, to remain there.
I wake up. 6:15, my alarms static finally pushing me into consciousness. I get up and there is no sun. This time of the year is depressing. The sun no longer yawns across the skyline, no longer lounges in clouds the size of mountains. No longer do the skyscrapers scrape the sun, no longer do they graze his back.
I am at the back of the train. Last cart. Last seat. The one that leads into have beens and never will bes. The one where you can see where you were standing in the station minutes prior. It is here where my wisps of dreams were interrupted by the howl of nightmares, where they would force themselves into wedges left my empty thought. Where they demanded refuge, where they tucked themselves behind my eyes and above my neck, and settled like dusty sunlight. It was then and there where I realized that I would be nothing, that we are all unique snowflakes that melt before the day is over. Yes, we are all snowflakes, but we are that crappy first snow of the year, the ones that melt when they hit the ground.
I wake up. It's 7:30. The static has wheezed on for a little over an hour. I woke up amidst loose sheets of paper, where ink stains blued the sheets and blackened the pillow case. I don't get the seat.
I wake up early, or maybe I never went to sleep the night before. Maybe I finally caught tommorow but was too tired to remember, pinning bags under my eyes like a well earned war medal. I get up, and the sun is shining. The duty sunlight sifts to the bottom of the last seat on the last cart. People say it's just dust, but I know it's metastasized sunlight that clung together. Jesus its early. I lay back down, my legs across both seats.
The sunlight oozed through the blinds of my room, and crept underneath my eyelids. They opened and I got to the train. The sunlight poured by the gallon into the station, until I was neck deep, almost drowning in the fuzzy warmth. The sunlight condensed on my pages, mixed with the melted moonlight I used for ink at almost tomorrow. Together they swirled burdened the page, weighed it with the thoughts of dreams and nightmares existing on the same two dimensional plane.
6:30
6:30
6:30
3:00 and I havent slept. I have to get up in a couple of hours, as the centuries tick by, seconds into minutes into hours into days. I'm a toddler's ankle deep in loose sheets and pages.
6:30
6:30
6:30
#3
My favorite place is on the brown line. The last cart. The last seat. You know, the one that is facing backwards, the one that lets you peer out as the tracks unravel beneath your very feet. The seat that most people don't think about, the one you can have to yourself unless it's rush hour. This seat is the best seat on any train. It peers into the outside world as you are rushed away in a fragile tin cart. You get passing glimpses of the city you were raised in.
This seat is always there, whether after sinful nights where you go home to a cloudless sky, for even heaven has closed its doors on you; or when you have come back from a celeration and the thick sunlight pours through the window and into the cart. The seat is there in the morning, where you get up before the sun has yawned over the skyscrapers, and the tracks unravel as sun rises steadily. That seat is mine. The last seat on the last cart facing my crooked home as the veins of this city flow beneath my very feet. I get on at kimball, the first stop and last stop of the brown line. That means the train is empty like the night sky. I get on that seat everyday I take the brown line, everyday I get to have some time alone, where only the howling of the outside wind shakes the tin cart I reside in.
The rumbling of the train inspires a nothingness, a state of total emptiness. My thoughts drift out the back window, left blinking in and out of existence, they are fireflies.
The tracks twist and the train shudders more slowly, the tin serpent curving to match the tracks.
It is here, in the shuddering tin boxes, riding the veins of this crooked city, where thoughtless thought and writing become my prayer. Where I speak to creation itself with a cheap ballpoint pen and a notebook. Where back pocket journals become a sacred place to live a second life. Where it's just me and my petty teenage rebellion burning inside of me like a flashing firework on the fourth of July. A single moment, a single fraction of eternity, where everything is right and unholy. Where even the stench of desperation in the train cart is masked by something greater.
Its about the mystery and the wishes and about midnight
Fireflies
It was a warm summer night. The cicadas hummed their gentle language, the grass twitched, slick with melted moonlight. The leaves were sent skipping in place by the wind.
The stars curved into my homemade constellations. My grandmother used to say that they are just holes in heavens floor, allowing the dead to look down.
In the thick summer air, fireflies, masking themselves as stars, hovered just out of existence. They blinked into summer for a second, claiming their heritage to the stars, before vanishing.
My grandmother used to say that a long time ago the fireflies drank from a puddle of starlight, and that's where they get their glow from.
Baby cousins trod the slick grass.
My baby cousins were chasing the fireflies, they were running, trying to catch their tiny dreams, reaching in vain into the dark summer sky.
My grandmother motioned me over. When I walked to her. She took a deep breath. The world knew she was going to say something important, so it quieted. The cicadas hushed themselves, the leaves and the grass stood still, and they all leaned in to listen. The fireflies stopped pulsing, and one landed on her shoulder for a good seat to listen to the drops of wisdom she would spill.
“Teach them to catch their stars, mijo” she said. “Teach them to cast their fishing poles into the infinite folds of time and space, to bait their hooks with ideas and inspiration. Teach them to grow gardens of ideas in their homes, to tend to roses of dreams. Teach them to chase the stars, and they will follow.”
So I did. I taught them to cast fishing poles into the sky. I taught them to daydream and take midday naps to follow their dreams. I taught them to catch fireflies together, to boost each other up. I taught them not to smear and kill the fireflies, to not leave star remnants slathered on their hands. I taught them to tend to roses of ideas, to harvest thoughts and aspirations in time for winter. Among that, I taught them about the summer. I taught them about the leaves and the cicadas, how the dandelions nod to their beat of the wind. I taught them to wish on half dead dandelions, to wish on the fireflies as they blink into existence. I taught them to smoke birthday candles, not cigarettes, told them they would get an extra wish, not cancer.
Summer wore on, and the days got hotter. I taught them to judge how good day had been by seeing how discolored their tongues were from popsicles. I taught them to find joy in the smell of hot dog water, to lift their backs off the leather couch every once in awhile so that their bare backs could unstick.
Now, many summers have passed. The fireflies have since faded, and the stars have since dimmed. The kids have grown, and my grandmother has since passed. My baby cousins are older, old enough to have branded chasing after their fireflies as foolish and childish. One of them still does, though.
One of them finds every spare minute to run barefoot, through the grass wet from melted moonlight. and He chases after his dim constellations, the constellations he pieced together himself. He napped daily, mapping his dreams in a dream journal. One of them finds the time to cast fishing nets into the sky, to catch clouds made of cotton candy and spare wisps of angel dust. One of them still makes his own dream catchers, one of them still spends nights talking to the moon.
Space,
Endless folds of time and space,
Velvet curtains strewn across the galaxies shoulders like a warm dark blanket,
Endless rips in the curtain of time that peer into heaven,
spilling holy light into our unholy solar system,
Tears in space which our simple minded selves have wrongly pronounced giants made of gas and fire,
Are in fact the rips in heaven’s floor that allow for the dead to look down into the mortal realm,
To look deeply into the baked earth and the waves crashing over cold, weathered boulders,
Look down into the deep expanses of the sea and know that the skyline mirrors that same depth in space,
A broken Horizon
A Broken Horizon
It was a dark cool night. I was laying in my hammock. It swayed in tempo with the head nodding of wilting dandelions, their wishful seed was sent drifting midair. The grass twitched in the light breeze and the leaves on the trees were sent happily skipping in place. The hammock’s gentle creak was comforting. It was a night like out of a painting, a night untouched by the sins of mankind, a night molded by the hands of god himself. Not even the mosquitoes were blood thirsty tonight. Only fireflies blinked in and out of existence, looking more like bits of stars that flaked off and drifted into my backyard.
I heard the door yawn open and I tensed. Whoever opened the door came closer. It was my grandma. It was Wita. She was the one I barely remember, the one who holds maybe a few minutes worth of memories in my head.
She leaned on the hammock, tipping it so that we were both sitting across it width wise.
What keeps us up tonight, mijo? She asked, looking at the moon.
Where do people go when they die wita? I asked, more to rupture the silence than anything. The droning of the cicadas quieted down a bit, I guess they wanted to know where their dead went too.
They go to heaven mijo, they go into the infinite folds of time and space. Wita replied.
But how wita, how do they get there? I asked the moon this time, I didn't expect Wita to have an answer. But she looked right up at the moon and answered for her.
They get to heaven at the place where the sky meets the earth. She replied quietly. The cicadas were dead quiet now, intent on listening.
They go to the horizon Wita? I asked, trying to make out a horizon between the protruding skyline.
Yes, that is why the horizon is always far from the living mijo. We will never touch the horizon, it is only for the dead. She whispered, following my gaze, looking for a shattered horizon. We couldn't find one.
So Wita, is there no way then to see the dead? If they go to heaven through the horizon, will I never see them? Will I never see you Wita? A lump formed in the back of my throat, it became uncomfortably warm and my eyes stung with tears. The blinking the stars in my backyard smudged into bright dashes across my vision.
How can I see you Wita, if I can never reach the horizon? I asked again, getting more worried that I would never again see my grandma.
In the stars mijo, in the stars; remember that heaven is hidden in the infinite folds of space. The sky is just a velvet curtain that god threw over the Earth's shoulders so that she could be warm. Every star is a small rip in the floor of heaven where the remembered can look down, and where the living will look up. And if you look hard enough, you might see me smiling down. That is why mankind is always intrigued with the stars mijo. Because we can never fully forget what once was, that is why we fight so hard to explore the places beyond the curtain of earth, so that we may find where heaven really lies. So remember me mijo, remember me in the constant droning of the cicadas. Remember me when the fireflies pulse in the hot summer night, remember me when wishes are thrown into the air by a strong gust of wind. Remember me mijo, remember me in the leaves you see floating downwards, remember me in the sunlight infused air that you bathe in every morning. Remember me mijo, and know that whenever you look up at the stars, I am looking right back down at you.
dandelion garden
There was a boy who grew up with the stars for cousins,
cumulus nimbi for grandparents,
back pocket journals for fathers, their pages wilted like roses,
The boy wrote with melted moonlight,
gathered every morning in the form of morning dew,
outside on the street littered with pot holes there were lamp posts that grew like arthritic fingers from the ground up,
it was these lamp posts where synthetic sunlight dripped from the sky downwards,
collecting in shallow puddles,
it was this light that bled through the blinds every night, prodded tired eyes open and kept the boy company while he wrote,
swirling the melted moonlight onto the page,
the synthetic sunlight dripping like thick honey onto the page,
merging with the silver strands of moonlight,
the boy who wrote and thought by night, and dreamt by day,
the boy who soon tired of fake smiles,
who could not sew a fake plastic smile in place with stitches neat like cursive,
instead he learned to wear a tired smirk that clung to his face loosely,
He wore that smirk like a flannel,
He learned to talk to oak trees, their roots dense with wisdom,
he learned to fall in love with the sway of dandelions, not the stiffness of roses,
The boy who spent his recess minutes conversing with the wind,
he wrote down everything she told him,
the boy grew up like the crooked lamp posts,
but, he learned and reread what the constellations had told him,
he learned to breath life into pages like the gentle blow that feeds the flame,
he learned to cultivate dreams like grey dandelions,
letting them flow freely in the moonlit air,
he learned to play and jump in puddles of star light,
he fell in love with apricity and watered every idea,
for,
the boys thoughts used to be roses, that died like wilted dreams down the shower drain,
and he knew,
that on his crooked block dreams fell into pockest half empty with asparations that they stay thre forgotten,
and he refused to let that happen,
and every idea was a delicate rose and he found himself outnumbered day after day,
they told him that his dreams were silly,
that those roses would wilt like his soul after a year,
that there would be nothing left but a brown stem and a dead rose,
and he refused to believe that,
he grew gardens in his notebooks,
burried his past mistakes under the roses,
and grew dandellions so that eh could have a wish for every drop of water on the earth,
he learned not to trust on the shooting stars or eyelashes,
but he knew that his garden of danadellions he kept hidden away in a journal that was wilted like roses,
he knew that in his garden, where dandellions were watered with moonlight and they blew in the wind,
he knew,
that in that place,
his dreams could flourish.