I've been really in my feels lately about stupid bullshit, and I don't really want to share it with people in real life, especially when it sounds sort of shallow and self-deprecating and attention-seeking, so I guess I might as well put it out here. Read if you want, ignore if you want.
No one has ever offered to buy me a drink.
No one has ever asked to dance with me at a club or an event.
I can recall only one time I've ever been "cat called," and it was a drunk guy in the parking lot of a tiny restaurant yelling a greeting at my friend and I, but mostly my friend. I don't even know if that counts.
I can count on one hand the times I've been asked out on a date. Most of my "dating" history is friendship that eventually devolves into physicality that I may or may not consent to. Even when people proclaim to have a crush on me, that's apparently not enough to convince them to ask me out or express real interest.
I have been cheated on and broken up with in nearly all of my relationships.
I have always been the person chasing after someone I'm interested in, and it almost always ends in rejection.
On dating apps, I only get matches clearly looking for sex or a third, or cis men who obviously just send the same message to every afab or femme appearing person they come across.
The only reason I found my current partner is that I was tired of being treated like garbage whenever I tried to date women and queer folks and decided to give one guy a chance, and he just happened to be perfect.
I don't know how to feel about all of this.
I mostly just feel incredibly lucky to have the partner I have. At this point in my life, I feel like a very demisexual/demiromantic person. I don't necessarily WANT sexual or romantic attention from people, especially strangers, but it's weird to see it happen to other people?
This is what I'm talking about when I say I'm average-looking or unattractive. It's not really meant to be a negative comment about myself or my appearance because I think I'm awesome and I know what I look like naked. I could probably find a person who would have sex with me fairly easily if that was something I needed in life.
My body dysmorphia doesn't really make things easier, but I'm used to it. I'm able bodied, straight sized, and have a shape that is apparently desirable when it comes to what's portrayed in popular culture.
But people are generally not attracted to me. They definitely do not approach me or flirt with me.
(Although I acknowledge that maybe I wouldn't know if someone was flirting? I can only go off of clear actions and words.)
It's not necessarily a bad thing. In fact, some would probably say it's a very good thing to never get harassed! But it's strange. I feel like I've missed out on some kind of universal human experience. Especially as I get older, I feel like the window for that experience has closed, so I'll never really know what it's like to be a desirable person.
I have plenty of theories as to why this is, but it ultimately doesn't really matter. I'm just sort of left feeling like an outsider again, forced to pretend I know what people are talking about when they mention these things.
Anyway, as mentioned before, I don't think any of this is necessarily good or bad. It just... is.
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