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I post entries here of what I think, fear, question and spill my emotions. Mood of the day: Suicidal.

[mental-entries]

10/18/2021...

Broke off a 5 month relatioship last night....I feel empty inside... genuine numbness...last night i couldn't sleep, and even if i did i was awoken by panic attacks triggered by my abandoment trauma...I threw up so much....I couldn't even eat well today...I slept through my class.. i'm unprepared for my test tomorrow...I just want to disappear...

He was the only one who respected me as a trans man...called me hubby...we shared a lot of interestest...yet his way of managing issues was to argue everything...and not solve the issue itself...like he stood his ground, even when he was completely wrong...like everything i said was a statement up for debate...and now that the rose tinted glasses are gone, i see all that bothered me about him...the way he ate..the way he spoke to his mother...his lazyness towards helping his sister do any chore she asked for a bit of help...How when i straight up told him to not ignore me or that if he could spare a moment of attention and straight up deny me by doign the opposite....the fact he "told me off" before he hung up on me...

I do fault myself as well...though i did warn him that I come with a lot of issues of my own...I did warn him that i didn't want to be in a relationship in the first place...I'm a miserable man...depressed..self loathing...and no amount of love or patience would cure this...and after this i feel as though i lost a large amount of friends.. all i have left is her and her group...even then I just want to disappear...

my plan is back on track...end it all at age 50 or less...depending on important variables..only reason i'm alive now is for my bird...and even then...i feel as lonely as ever...

did I love him or the relationship? I'm not sure...I will miss the good mornings and goodnights...the I love yous and praises...the excitement of me coming over...the sadness of till next time...His warmth....his large embrace...his tender voice...we had a few good times..but this was for the best...we were arguing almost everyday...and even if he came back with sorries and i love yous..."telling me off" was the last straw...His last moments with me was to genuinely hurt me out of anger...

Thank you for reminding me how impossible I am.

-Elliot Lance

[mental-entries]

Ever just realize you're just a shitty person? Honestly i've been aware of this and always question why people are around me anyways...They just tolerate me. No genuine want to be my friend... and they only do so because I'm dating one of their friends... I might just...not try anymore.

I'm don't see the point of being around if i'm not wanted around..I'm just miserable...

[mental-entries]

Last entry was in January, so I thought why not make another one since life has been in knots still...

I broke up with the ex I was dating...I actually tried to talk to him, tell him how I felt. I knew it would end. He never gave any effort in trying to be better, and here I was, pulling and dragging this whole relationship through... Whatever, I finally told him to disappear from my life. He enjoys solitude, so that's what I gave him from me.

Made a new best friend, she's very cute and energetic, she's gonna be married soon and I was invited to her wedding. She's younger that I am... incredible to see my generation still finding love. I can appreciate it from afar, but romance for me? Impossible... I'm a little jealous that someone younger found eternal love.... I'm happy for her, and I only wish her the best.

Another best friend started their stupid bullshit on me again... They've done this before where they tug at my heartstrings...last time they rejected me, and I was okay with that, I thought I moved on...but then they start again saying that they like me...and I had a total breakdown... I just want someone to be confident and confidently tell me they love me. Like I am that they'll reach and never let go.... But no...they started with the "oH I dOn't KnOw" bullshit...fuck you... literally fuck you, my self esteem was already low and this just made me feel incredible insecure of myself... Debating if I want to...stop being their friend...for like... Either permanently or a long time... I do care about them, but...I am tempted to disappear from their life... I'll do it slowly...they have other friends so hopefully they stop seeking me... I'll miss them...but they've hurt me deeply this time...

I just want to disappear overall...

-Elliot

3/31/21

[mental-entries]

Life hasn't been as great still...got into a shitty relationship with my ex, and I knew it... He's so distant and cold, and I feel like it's not gonna work out. I've been debating if I should break up but then I'll be alone...Tolerate him ignoring me or be alone again? I'll tolerate it... I kinda deserve a shitty relationship anyways..

My relationship with my Aunt/Mom has been the same still...shitty... Anytime I suggest or ask of something she gets pissy. Don't leave the blankets on the dirty floor, don't eat with your mouth open, etc. I know I'm not her mom or anyone of authority, but if I notice it, others will. I ask politely too. But all I get is her pent up anger...

None of my current friends ever reach out to me so I'm... I'm debating if I should disappear... Delete all my socials and restart with a new name... Everyone knows my preferred name or my new nickname... I'll have to think of something..I might not delete my socials but just...stop posting in them and maybe then I can actually live a happier life alone...

Debated if I want to take my life again... I have Opioids from a surgery I had and some hidden alcohol in my room... I could overdose, but I'm still afraid so I'll..just cry it out for now, but I am ready whenever I have the balls to do it.

I hope to God nobody cries for me if I ever decide to, you're all at fault for this and pure hypocrites if you do. You cared nothing for me, you maybe have cared for me being fed and clean but never for my mental stability or my mental well being. Fuck you.

-Elliot

10:56AM

1/18/2021

[mental-entries]

Solid advice: Don’t try to make everyone your friend. Don’t kiss their ass or beg for anyone’s attention. Have one or two close friends because that’s all you’ll ever truly need. Everyone else keep at a distance, if they’re really worth your time, they’ll prove it.

[mental-entries]

Ir’s been a month of two since my best friend chose to block me over a friend she’s know for a month instead of our friendship of five years......five fucking years down the drain...money down the drain....I bought her so many things, I spoiled her and cared for her...but the moment I mentioned her friend (also an ex friend of mine) did something that bothered me, she made me feel like I’m crazy...

I bet that cunt told her to block me just because I found her fake and annoying...at least I’m not manipulative and tell people to block their friends or pick their friends...

....Last night I dreamed of you...I was sort of rejected yesterday by someone I had been flirting with, they used the same words you did when I confessed...”I’m happy with what we have now”....friendship...that’s it...it made me think of you...and I guess you popped into my dream...

I’m sitting here crying instead of doing my homework, listening to music that just brings memories of you....I loved you...so much...I cared for you...so much...and now you’re gone, you threw our friendship out...

If you even dare to come back and say “sorry” or blaming me for this, I’m just gonna shut you down. See how it feels to just be bluntly shut down...I’m no longer protecting you, I’m no longer caring for you, I’m no longer showing you my soft side...You’re getting the treatment I give to people who creeped you out or who made you uncomfortable.. I hope you cry and I hope you see you lost my trust...you lost me entirely... 

...even though I know truthfully I do want you in my life...but you wounded me...you just...left... but life ain’t fair...I rather be alone than be stuck back in our so called friendship....your nose stuck on the phone when we hung out and I just...feeling and being ignored... 

You both “accepted” me...but also felt “ashamed” of being my friend..I know it...

At least in my dreams...You were my sweet wife...and I was your loving husband...we’re happy there...and maybe I’ll just....remember the good times and forget the bad and move on...I have to move on...

I feel so alone though...I miss..our convos...how I could be weird and we were just extra together in our own little world...where...we felt.....

-Elliot

11:55 PM

9/2/2020

[mental-entries]

Dear "ex",

Why come back into my life? Why ask me to be friends....why did I let you try and be my friend...I still love you...and nothing hurts so much how you exist in my life now...

I've become so obsessed in you again...wanting to message you and talk to you every day....but then I would be clingy ... And then my walls would be a lie

I have to be cold...I have to push you away... you're only here to keep breaking my heart.....

Yet I crave your attention...I wish you were mine....

I hate you so much...

[mental-entries]

Fuck this... I'm done having friends, I'm done having family, I'm done being social...it only sucks and it hurts...

I know my so called best friend is leaving me slowly. And fuck it, she can leave for all I care. I'm done talking to her.

Anybody I've met in college can go off too. You drain my social battery quickly, y'all barely even try to reach me. I've tried to reach but it ain't reciprocated and I fuckong hate that. I person you pretend to be happy I'm around but never call or text or hit me up on social media....

I'm sorry to my online bestie, but you should also leave me. I'm not a nice person, I'm not worth the trouble to spoil or send shit.... honestly you should just give up and leave...

To my so called family, I'm done calling you "mother and brother" or even "Aunt and Cousin." I'm calling you guys by your first names because im done with y'all. I hope o get to move out soon and delete all my social media and phone number and never have to talk to any of you again.

Fuck this life, fuck everything...

[mental-entries]

...To my Shitty Brother....

I fucking hate you...you feel embarrassed when I'm around you when you play video games??? Are you fucking serious??? We've been doing this whole hang out thing for months....that I sit and watch or listen to you game and enjoy it...but you hate it and don't have the balls to tell me? Like wow ok.... Fuck you....the only time I felt wanted around this cursed family was when we hung out and I felt like I belonged...take another thing that I enjoyed doing.... Fuck this man.... I'm just going straight up antisocial now.... I'm done.

[mental-entries]

Nothing makes more suicidal than being punished for something I didn't do...

[mental-entries]

How to be a shitty Brother (Feat. My mother):

My brother gave me a pair of wireless headphones to use...but today he decided to get them back. This in I wasn't home. I was out with our mom to see a show.... And thing is...these headphones were in a nightstand with personal shit.

To name a few: condoms, personal letters, adult toys, and much more.... He had to go through my shit to dig those fuckers out...he couldn't have waited to ask me for them...instead he had to dig through my shit to get them...

My room is my private place, my safe place. So I tell mom to just tell him not to do it again....she starts giving excuses for her shitty son's action of "oh but you went into his room" or " well he apologized through the texting me" or "You have enough headphones"...

Like no, I haven't been in his room in forever nor care for...and if I have I peek to see if he's home or working. He didn't apologized he just said "I shouldn't have done that right?" Not a straight up oh shit I'm sorry I won't do it again....also mom I don't care for the headphones at all, in fact I hated them. I just care he went through MY SHIT....

And here I am.. getting yelled at for wanting privacy in my safe place....

Someone get me out of here...

[mental-entries]

How to be a shitty mother:

Threatened/kick your Son/Daughter/kid out when they disagree on you on something.

_______

I disagreed with my mother on this whole controlling bathroom assigned shit. She thought it is okay to give me the shitty cold bathroom and give her biological son the better bathroom just because it's closer to his room. Sorry but that bathroom has all my shit in it, it's nicer, has a counter, and has the bath tub.

The other bathroom is cold(always), the floor is always wet because of the shower, has NO COUNTER, the toilet never flushes right (like even one piece of toilet paper and it plugs immediately). Like..wtf mom? Why do you have to do this to me. Sorry, but you're literally kissing my brother's ass because he's a man and your biological son....

Every time I disagree, you immediately want to kick me out, remind me I was a mistake, and how I'm not even wanted in this world...thanks...

[mental-entries]

How do I come to terms with unrequited feelings? How come I trust her, yet pretend to be happy around her. When in reality, it is midnight, and streaks of tears stain my skin.

It's ok

I'll do anything

to be close

to her...

even if it means destroying myself...feeling immense guilt for yearning her....hating the one she loves and kiss....hating myself for being so....selfish....and disgusting.

I hope she eventually hates me

and leaves me.

[mental-entries]

I hope....I hope I die soon... I'm sorry to my friends... I'm so tired...

[mental-entries]

Reminder to self:

I don't matter.

[andypain-deactivated20250604]

[valentina-poem]