pity party

2ndary Tumblr. my depression and anxiety gave me a "questionable ed" according to my dr

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It's getting bad again.

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My sister has a really old house and I found some ants the other day so I killed them, did the dishes cleaned whatever. Forgot about it and didn't see them for a bit. I saw some more today and pointed them out and she had the audacity to say they probably came from the fresh fruit I bought 🙃

That was a favor? Because we haven't had fruits and veggies in a while. Plus earlier in the convo she had said she's seen them before but my brother in law put the fruit idea in her head.

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Love it when my sister judges me for eating the amount she did last time we had this meal. 😑 (actually im pretty sure it was still less than what she had)

Anyway, its put me in a mood for multiple days now.

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*TW: ED

Y'all. I've told my roommate so many times not to talk about her weight or eating habits and she's been going on for like a full month about how she's losing weight and barely eating and how her clothes are so loose and she loves how she can see her bones and ive told her to shut up so many times (going from nice to bad) and she won't. Like thankfully I've been fighting like hell not to slip down that hole but seriously. Maybe she'd take me seriously if I did.

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Love when I decide to spend quality time with my roommate and she just rants about her job and just rants for half an hour. I JUST WANTED TO CHILL.

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Love how earlier this week I was debating between moving back home and getting a new place with my current roommate after my lease is up and now both of them are basically saying I'm unwelcome. Yep.... that's fun.

For context: I've been between the two for months now and was hoping I'd have a new job by now cause I've been furloughed this whole time so I'm essentially paying rent and living off unemployment and savings trying to get a new job.

Basically my life is a mess and idk what to do with my life after my lease is done because apparently I'm unwanted and one bedrooms are expensive.

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Why does my roommate follow me to my room to dump all her problems on me when I say I'm going to bed.

Also I actually was going because I'm having a panic attack so I literally can't focus on what she's saying.

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Told my normally understanding roommate I was slipping again and I was trying to make dinner tonight because food is a necessity and I don't wanna slip too far. She starts throwing out lbs and body checks while I'm trying to cook.

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I've since secretly binged on ice cream and am trying so hard not to look up her bmi

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Told my normally understanding roommate I was slipping again and I was trying to make dinner tonight because food is a necessity and I don't wanna slip too far. She starts throwing out lbs and body checks while I'm trying to cook.

[fitblrbyellie]

Idk who needs to hear this but it’s ok to eat the candy

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If anyone is wondering how my anxiety is: I woke up in the middle of the night JUST to have a panic attack.

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Ngl I've been falling back into my ED tendencies. And I'm trying so hard not to step on the scale because I know if it's over X it's going to cause me to spiral more.

Also I'm pretty sure the trigger was my new therapist basically saying all my problems would be solved if I eat healthier. I've told her before sometimes all I can eat is stuff that's not necessarily healthy because it's better than nothing.

Like being told to just eat healthy makes me think healthy or nothing and I just go toward nothing because I start thinking of the unhealthy parts of healthy (if that makes sense).

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I just wanted to watch Gilmore Girls and instead my body was like here. Have a panic attack because you're lesser than everyone in the show.

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My therapist told me to go to sleep at a normal time and to stop using my phone before bed. And I tried. My phone is across my room but now I'm just laying in the opposite direction and having actual conversations instead of scrolling on tiktok.

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I had my first therapy appointment last week and then proceeded to have a really really good mental health week. Now I feel if I say that in today's session she'll think I was faking or it's not that serious or that I don't actually have anxiety and depression

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What does it say about me that my therapist said my feelings are valid and I have a lot of strong qualities and that was all it took to make me wanna bawl my eyes out.

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Let's play am I a lightweight or have I just been under calories for too long?

Spoiler: I thought it was the former then I had pizza.