Untitled

[impalementation]

can you believe how hard of an acting job it must be to have to portray dissociative non-emotiveness in a way that actually feels intentional and subtle and not boring. or to capture that edge of “i don’t want to be alive” behind every seemingly normal expression. i’ve seen lots of sad or emotionally tortured characters on tv, but rarely any with that real depressive blankness. it’s impressive as hell.

[likeabidetofevil]

SARAH 👏 MICHELLE 👏 GELLAR 👏 SHOULD 👏 HAVE 👏 WON 👏 AN 👏 EMMY 👏 FOR 👏 BUFFY

[messeduptosteppingup]

Facts

[messeduptosteppingup]

City Lights

Do the stars know you’re not one of them?

[messeduptosteppingup]

Flying

It was hard to take flight with you on my wings

You see

Planes carry passengers and I carry things too

Self doubt, past regrets, lost loves, love ones.

But I couldn’t carry you.

You sit on my wings like the creature from the twilight zone.

And I didn’t know you stopped me from taking off

Until I could finally fly.

[messeduptosteppingup]

Untitled

You were a love story without ink

Her kiss made your soul sigh

You counted your heartbeats with each kiss to make sure you wouldn’t die of pure desire

You want to say you unintentionally fell in love, but you remember you sought her out

You proceed to be the biggest asshole because that’s the legacy your father left you.

It’s funny how you’ll risk her heart to please your body.

[messeduptosteppingup]

Selfish thoughts 2019

Dear me,

Every year on New Year’s Eve I ask to be okay. My wish never changes;

I want to be okay.

But this year, I want more.

I want to be happy. I want to be content. I want to be great. I want to be better. I want to be consistent. I want to be hurt and tell people when shit hurts. I want to be open. I want to be brave. I want to be open. I want to be every emotion I’ve always invalidated myself from being. I want to love softly. I want to want things and for that to be okay. I want the passion I have for my life to not evaporate the moment I hit post.

Damn it, me. Tell somebody anything you feel even if you think it makes you look week. Even if it scares you. Fuck, even if they might leave.

I want to be okay with people leaving because I can’t stop what needs to happen.

I want to stay, in this moment, I want to live.

Sincerely,

Your drunk side

[messeduptosteppingup]

BPD Night Owl

I wonder how many other people with BPD stay up all night thinking about a seemingly insignificant comment that happened two days ago?

[andyandtheirthoughts]

Tfw you don’t say anything about being bpd anywhere except tumblr because you constantly having those ‘I made it all up’ moments

[messeduptosteppingup]

On coming back (sports metaphors)

You can’t LaBron James someone’s life and get mad when they don’t keep your jersey.

[messeduptosteppingup]

Sadness comes in waves.

The thing no one tells you about grief is that it’s ten times harder to grieve someone that is still alive. Sadness comes in waves and the waves become a swell whenever I see you.

I’m hurt at the source of it.

I’m hurt and I’m broken and I’m desperate and I’m saying things I don’t really mean because that’s ten times easier.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry and no copy paste because sorry should be felt with every stroke of the keyboard. Sorry should be eaten repeatedly until apologies spill out of you like drinks from last night.

I’m sorry. Why can’t sorry fix anything? Have previous people used it so much that it’s just become irrelevant? Like hearing a song so many times that when someone asks you what it’s about you can’t even remember.

I wish my sorry was a cell that could flow through you and repair any fragments I left behind. I wish my sorry could erase all of the tears that you’ve cried.

I wish my sorry could make you look at me like you loved me.

[messeduptosteppingup]

I remember having when me and my ex were breaking up she was saying “I do everything right and I’m still not guaranteed a good day” and in my mind I remember thinking “shit, me too.”

[fisprettyinpunkyo]

BPD through my eyes

constantly questioning if my friends hate me

ignoring my friends and family because I don’t deserve any

staying silent around people in fear I’ll say the wrong thing or no one will care

not being able to keep a job more than 6 months because they become boring

feeling like I’m not myself and I know nothing about myself

changing what I want to do with my life before I even start anything

abandoning anyone that gets too close

scared that everyone will abandon me and they hated me all along

using drugs because fuck it

thinking that I hate the people I care about when I’m angry

hurting myself and carving negative words into my arms

losing my appetite for days and wanting to be thinner when I know I’m thin

obsessing over people and thinking of them every damned day

ruining all my friendships by pretending to not exist

hiding in my house until I feel as if the walls are closing in and driving my self crazy

not showing up for interviews

sleeping in my car and disappearing from anyone I know for awhile

being scared to be alone but canceling on all my plans

blocking and unblocking people

thinking you’re the biggest piece of shit in the world and loving you unconditionally a few moments later

scared that everytime you leave you might die while you’re gone

trying to get close with my siblings but only sometimes

having sex and then discarding people afterwards (not anymore I’m trying to make my relationship work this time)

starting to talk to people and thinking I may actually like them and then leaving without explanation

cheating on past partners or getting involved with people in relationships

constantly questioning my sexuality and changing it

making decisions before I think about any of it

thinking about marriage but then being scared off because of my commitment issues

working my ass off for what I thought I wanted but still feeling empty

doing things I don’t even like because I want to be a certain way or feel good about myself

denying I’m depressed when people ask but wanting to talk to someone about it

thinking about getting professional help but not being able to go through with it

looking in the mirror and thinking I look cute but only moments later I’ll never look good enough

never living up to my own standards because I have to be perfect even though I’m nothing

constantly questioning my past decisons and if I’d be happier If I changed everything

feeling completely content for a couple hours or days and then hating my whole life and wanting to die

denying that anything is wrong with me and then accepting my mental illness sometimes

striving to do better just to completely self destruct when I make something for myself

calling the people I love horrible names in my head when I’m mad because it would be too cruel to say

telling myself I hate hate hate someone when most the time I love them

having people say I’m manipulative when I never had the intention

being clingy then distant then clingy

making plans and apologizing for not being around as much just to not show up without warning

I hate the things I do, I wish I would be consistent with people because I end up hurting them. I make impulsive decisions without even briefly thinking about the outcomes because I just want happiness. Nothing ever makes me necessarily happy or upset it’s back and forth and I’m not even sure if I’ve ever been truly happy before. Or what I like to do. I don’t feel like I’m a real person just a empty shell sometimes. Just floating around completely lost in my own life.

[messeduptosteppingup]

Comments about Pete Davidson

I really wish people wouldn’t just talk shit so openly about him without considering there might be someone in their lives who has BPD. The most annoying thing I hear is how much of a manipulative asshole he is and how he should just kill himself and I find myself wondering if this is what my friends/family think of me?

I am a fan of Pete. I think he’s funny and self aware, which I appreciate. He doesn’t shy away from mental health and he’s vocal about awareness. He’s vocal about something that I have always felt so alone in. I’ve done some research. There aren’t many books about how to love people with BPD, but there sure are a lot about how to leave them. So his work, voice, and his success matter to me.

I get that a lot of people get upset about his comments/ sense of humor. The jokes he made about Ariana and birth control, I know they weren’t okay. I’ve made a lot of not okay jokes, but I can assure you that the people who got me to see that weren’t the ones talking shit about me. I can only fix something if I’m told it’s broken.

I already hear constantly about how people with BPD are manipulative on the regular. Often times, it’s from someone who has dated/married someone with it. For those people, I’m sorry. I don’t know what it’s like to be with someone like me, but I know what it’s like to be me. I know that for every nice thing someone says, I need to tell myself ten bad things so I never feel too good about being me. I know that someone can cut me off on the freeway three hours ago and the rage I feel will still be just as present. I know that secondary emotions are hard for me. Hell... DBT and therapy FUCKING SUCK, but I know it’s my best chance at a decent future.

The main point is BPD sucks enough without assholes talking shit. So, unless you are:

1. Someone with BPD.

Or

2. A therapist with a background in DBT.

Then maybe you should just be one of those people who offer prayers and support. I promise you that any negativity has already been heard and doesn’t need to be repeated.

[messeduptosteppingup]

It’s in the moments that I forget that I remember you.

[messeduptosteppingup]

Thank you for attending my life. As a token of appreciation, I have left you my heart in a goody bag.

I won’t be needing it anymore.

-letters to my ex

[books-n-quotes]

“I have given away my whole soul to someone who treats it as if it were a flower to put in his coat.”

— Oscar Wilde, The Picture of Dorian Gray (via books-n-quotes)

[somebodysedatemee-blog]

Lies I tell myself

“I’m fine” I say as I fight back the tears forming in my eyes.

“I’m fine” I say as I fight back the urge to fill my stomach with pills.

“I’m fine” I say as I feel my arms throbbing with pain from all the cuts I left in them.

“I’m fine” I say as I feel all the pain running through my body like a river stream.

“I’m fine” I say as I’m reminded of all the people that hurt and left me.

“I’m fine” I say as I feel all the overwhelming emotions that make me want to end it all.

“I’m fine” I say as I remember all the people that say they’re there for me but are nowhere to be found.

“I’m fine” I say as I lie to myself.

“I’m fine” I say as I lie here with nothing but my thoughts and emotions, wanting to end it all.

[messeduptosteppingup]

He’s not better. You thought other guys were better and you always realized the truth about them. You realized that smooth words from desperate men couldn’t compare to what we had. Speaking of compare. We’re apples and oranges. We’re both fruit, but one takes a little more work to enjoy. He’s just an apple. Something that taste good and has less work so you think that’s what you want to eat. You think fuck an orange because an orange is so messy. But oranges leave your fingers sticky and the scent last forever. Oranges stay with you long after you’re done with them. Oranges are fucking delicious so if we compare them then you’re right there is no comparison.