Trigger Warning - Topics Relating to Eating Disorders
At times like now when itās late, Iām tired and my brain wonāt stop going over and over all of the negative thoughts spiralling in my mind, I often turn to food. Emotional eating has recently become an issue that I repeatedly try to ignore, knowing that it isnāt helping. It isnāt helping because although for a few minutes I feel like Iām filling that empty hole inside with high-fat, high-sugar, highly-delicious-but-full-of-shit food, it is in fact a behaviour of avoidance. It postpones the real emotions that I know I have to deal with, such as an argument with a loved one, my anxious thoughts of whatās happened during the day, or simply my usual daily struggles of battling away the depressive black hole that continues to take over my head so many evenings.
I have been, for the most part, on top of my binging tendencies for a little while. As far as others are aware, I have also been on top of my purging for a while. I think I had managed a good three months of no purging, until four days ago; back to square one.
But thatās just my own brain screaming at me āback to square oneā. Am Iā¦?
It is so important to question what your own head is telling you every day, because it is often not your own biggest fan, and it can be a fairly dark and humiliating place to live. Hearing those thoughts inside your own head telling you that youāre a failure - block it out. Easier said than doneā¦ but dear god block it out. I had managed three months of no purging, and all I had was a tiny slip up. The world hadnāt crashed around me, and Iām still here, upset and disappointed in myself, but Iām here, alive and breathing.
In the past, I have also used starving myself as a way of coping. This essentially for me was due to my mental wellbeing falling to pieces around me and I was at a complete loss of control; food, however, I could control. I began to lose weight rapidly, so rapidly in fact I began to lose muscle mass too. But hey, I was skinny right? Surely I was achieving weight loss āgoalsā, I was fitting in the tiniest of clothes which seems to be the main ambition nowadays, and the comments from others telling me how āillā I was looking went straight through one ear and out the other. Isnāt it all about the skinny love?
What I didnāt realise through this journey was this: at one point of me scrutinising my body in the mirror, of staring at the number on the scalesā¦ when is enough ever enough? Did I have an end goal? Did I have a point that I thought I could eventually stop and say, āI am beautifulā.
So why seek to attain these endless goals. Why not seek to find self acceptance in the skin we live in? Because it is not easy! That voice in your head screaming at you about the number on the scale rising, those eyes inspecting every inch on your body that for some reason you find āunacceptableā, that craving for some form of food to avoid the emotions weāre currently feeling, that need to purge any food consumed in the absolute horror and panic of the calories your body is taking in, how can anyone escape these such personal thoughts that are circling your fragile mind?
Stop trying to escape. Escaping is only leading on to the continuing avoidance. Accept those thoughts, but only briefly, Sit with those thoughts. Try and think, why are you feeling this way in the first place? What pain or grief are you avoiding by taking part in self-harming behaviours of starving, binging, purging, etc. Start taking part in self-healing behaviours; begin a journal of how your own mood may be affecting your self-esteem and how you view yourself. Start telling yourself five positive things about your appearance in the morning when looking in the mirror. Write these down and look back at them at times when youāre struggling. Try out new positive habits such as taking a short walk in the evenings to clear your head at the same time as remaining active, whatever works for you!
As Iāve previously posted, reaching out is vital. SPEAK UP. You are not alone in your struggles with your body image. Talk to someone you trust, consult your GP, anything so youāre not living with these corrupting thoughts in your head alone.
Finally, falling back to square one. There is no back to square one, because recovery from any mental illness is never going to be a straight and easy uphill climb up to mental wellness. You will fall. Itās frustrating and disheartening as hell, but you will learn from each and every fall. Most importantly, you will get back up again. Believe in yourself, you can trip and stumble along the way, but believe you will always get back up again.
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