in the shadows

hwang juwon. xxiv. junior agent.

[miajuwon]

& my life held in your hands

GAEUL !

     she frowns when he starts speaking—not that she had expected him to come in and not say a word to her or anything, but she had been busy before he had come in and she was technically busy now and he’s asking for her attention. she had, obviously, known he wanted to tell her something, possibly something important but she’s also not really in the mood for him to beat around the bush.

     “can you talk quickly?” gaeul asks, though it’s not unkindly. she activates the soundproofing system she had upgraded recently, if only because she had felt kind of bad for anyone who was around her when she was loudly hammering or something. or sawing. things in the tech lab definitely got loud sometimes, and she didn’t want to disturb anyone else’s peace when she was tinkering.

     good thing too, apparently. 

     finally putting her things down, she turns to him and crosses her arms over her chest, feeling suspicious of why juwon was suddenly seeking her out. they’ve all been busy because of the move, and she raises an eyebrow at him. waiting.

his cousin’s impatience, though not unkind, only makes juwon more nervous. it’s much harder to fathom telling gaeul that he’s a traitor compared to daesu. gaeul has always been more straight-forward, less forgiving, and more suspicious. unlike daesu, who had accepted him back with no hesitation and warm embraces, gaeul had always held him a little bit at arm’s distance. 

she had still treated him well, still the cousin he had remembered, but there had been a distance between them he hadn’t felt with daesu. he didn’t doubt that she still loved him, there was enough in her actions that he knows there’s still that affection between them.

he opens his mouth a few times helplessly after she soundproofs the room, trying and failing to get the words out of his mouth in a nice way. there’s no way he can find to sugarcoat this, no way that he can cushion the blow or beat around the bush in the face of her growing irritation. 

his fear grows, and with it, the urge to just blurt it out increases, the pressure inside him of needing to tell gaeul in person pushing him. he inhales shakily to try and ground himself but it doesn’t work, and sensing that his cousin is about to lose her patience, he blurts out, the words almost ripped out of him, “i... i’m a spy for sra.”

[miajuwon]

& to hell and back

DAESU !

he’s wondering, internally, how he wants to go about this. half wishing that haneul had stuck behind to help him through this. he wondered how long she has known–because of course she has. and a part of him is warm over the fact she also kept it to herself. though it makes him wonder for a brief second if she had actually turned to the other side. not that he would care. call him whipped but if haneul went dark he would follow. 

not that he thinks she will. anyway, back to the matter at hand. his eyes watching juwon who seems to be self destructing every second that passes. the boy who has gone through so much. but haven’t they all? haven’t they all loss someone? made hard choices that leave us with regret? it’s part of this world no matter how unfair it is. and daesu would be the first to say this is unfair. this is a cruel existence. but does he want to say any of this to juwon. does he want to downplay the others trauma and struggle? daesu isn’t sure what he wants to do. 

well thats not totally true. 

he leans back against the table, hands braced on the top as he relaxes slightly. giving off the air of someone who isn’t bothered in the slightest. and he isn’t–not really. this life has made it so there is little that truly bothers him and honestly so long as juwon is alive in front of him. “what are you sorry for, juwonnie?” he questions, head tilting. probably being infuriating by playing as if he hadn’t paid attention to the meeting just now. 

a full-bodied shiver runs through him as he hunches in more on himself, fearful of the reaction from his cousin. there’s something different about a negative reaction from seb, who he looks up to, and haneul, who he knows, and insoo, who he respects, but daesu is family. juwon doesn’t know if he would be able to bear another member of his family hating him. 

but maybe it’s what he deserves. he just can’t seem to make anyone happy. maybe he’s still getting something wrong... or maybe he’s just not worthy of it. juwon really can’t think of many other explanations. but in pursuing this, trying to make his parents happy, he thinks that daesu and gaeul will hate him for simply working for sra. there’s a strong us/them mentality in both agencies, and juwon has found himself increasingly torn.

even though he’d told suhwan not to doubt the mission just before the river block mission, he’d barely been able to look at the younger spy since they’d found themselves both in the hospital, after meia had suffered such heavy losses. he hadn’t been able to look at suhwan, because... what if he had been wrong? for kaiser to ask him to kill daesu... whether kaiser’s mission is right or wrong, juwon doesn’t think that his cousin would ever be against protecting the human race. 

daesu asks him what he’s sorry for, and juwon swallows, not looking up at the older agent, taking a deep breath to try and fortify himself. “... i didn’t... there’s more, daesu...” he whispers in response. can he really tell daesu that he was ordered to kill his own cousin?

[miajuwon]

& it all comes around

The bus you sit on with fellow agents, and civilians bumps along the road. It has been two days since you were let out of isolation ( the move began this morning ) and Maylin has gifted you a chance to prove that you have changed loyalties. Your coms device was given back to you, as well as your weapons and supplies. You are assigned back to your former team for the duration of the move. 

Just before evening you notice a flag with a familiar symbol appear on the top of a crumbling parking garage. It vanishes as the caravan of MEIA agents and civilians pass, almost as if you merely imagined it.

Your coms device lights up. A message from [ UNKNOWN ] appears. 

Traitors do not get happy endings.  This is your fault. 

The SRA symbol flashes on the screen briefly before the message fades away. There’s a cry from many of the civilians on the bus. Looking out the window again you see something bright shooting quickly through the sky. It’s target, the cargobob. Inside is Sol, Khiana, Seoyun, Daesu, and Hyunwoo. 

The SRA missile has never missed a target before. 

juwon can’t help but fidget with his watch, newly returned to him as of two days ago. his electric batons are tucked into their holsters and he almost feels out of place now that he’s not locked in his room with almost no visitors allowed, the only people he’d interacted with for about ten days being the head agents, daesu, and insoo. it makes him feel a little awkward now to be around people, to have other agents looking at him with almost pitying looks, and juwon can’t help but wonder what they’re thinking. instead, he hunches up a little more, holding onto his pack and scooting just a little bit closer to insoo.

he’s relieved that of all people he’d wound up with for the move, it was insoo. ever since admitting the truth, he’s felt the most comfortable around his team leader. why, he’s not really sure, but part of it surely has to do with the fact that insoo had pretty firmly refuted any possibility of rejecting juwon. juwon can’t help but wonder why, but the thoughts are distant through the distinct feeling of being unsettled. 

glancing out the window, he watches the terrain pass by, watching the buildings he’d come to know fade away, and he bites down on his lower lip quietly as day turns to afternoon, and then afternoon begins to fade away too. 

it’s then that he notices a flag, out of place among the crumbling buildings, and his heart jolts at the familiar symbol. but it’s gone so quickly that he can’t help but wonder wildly if he’d imagined it. but then his comms device buzzes and it’s then that he chokes, a shaking hand reaching out for insoo’s, his eyes wide and fearful. “insoo, this—” he starts before he sees the streak out the window, the surprised cries of the civilians frightening him. 

“no!!” he almost screams, involuntarily scrambling for the window as though he could do anything at all from where he is, panic flaring up hard in his chest and leaving him breathless and dizzy with fear. not them, not more people he loves, he can’t lose them too — 

this is his fault. sra missiles never miss. 

[miaxsujin]

… ⇢ ˗ˏˋ grip of grief ࿐ྂ

@miajuwon

change has never been a favorite of sujin’s. too much drastic change has taken hold of her life in the past, and now, its clammy hands are gripping at everything it could once again. with the agency moving, she was losing the only home she has ever known. a dark feeling was creeping into her heart again, one she hasn’t truly felt since her world was turned completely upside down eleven years ago, when the feeling seeped into her skin and every thought she had.

normally, she would turn to training for a distraction. a bow in her grip and the calming slow breaths of concentration that came with it. maybe even with a partner. but even that was different now. at first, she understood, accepted the change when she was suddenly transferred teams. until she was told why she was transferred.

filling a gap is necessary. plugging a hole could prevent a leak or a larger break that could result in a gaping chasm of emptiness. but in this instance, she was beginning to question why she was chosen to be that plug. an agent, loved and trusted by his team, killed in action by a demon. a demon like her. how could they trust her? they’ve never even been in the field with her. how could they want her to have their back? after what happened? 

her thoughts paused with her wandering feet as she spotted a familiar form on a nearby bench. sujin hadn’t had many conversations with juwon since she joined the team. they were close as children of agents running amok around the civilian grounds of seaside, but the grip of change had molded them both into infinitely new beings by the time he made his miraculous return to the agency. she did know however, that he was close with the agent on team finch before her. 

after a long moment of debating with herself, she cautiously took a seat next to him on the bench. “how have you been, juwon?” she begins, voice a bit timid. starting conversations with others wasn’t exactly her forte. she knew he had been much quieter recently. paler. how would you be after the death of a friend?

[miajuwon]

( content warning // mention of character death )

he's been wandering around the agency rather aimlessly for the past week or two, barely able to focus on anything but the crushing weight of guilt that seems to be trying to strangle the life out of him. sieon is gone, and it's all his fault.

(never mind the fact that juwon hadn't summoned the demon with the express purpose of challenging himself or something stupid — they had simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time and the demon had been lucky to get so close to meia's borders.)

he'd heard that they were already replacing sieon on the team, and something in juwon had broken at that. he'd physically recoiled from the news, avoiding any contact with people in fear of having to face a new teammate, a changed team — a team without his best friend. a world where sieon would never smile at him again.

he walks and he walks until he's too tired to walk anymore. and then he sits down with a thump on a bench, unable to move anymore. his eyes are blank as he simply stares at the ground in front of his feet, wondering blankly to himself if there's a heaven. if there was, sieon would certainly go there. but would juwon? juwon is pretty sure that if there was a heaven and a hell, if there was some kind of second life, he would never go to the same place as sieon.

there's a quiet shuffling near him, muted in his daze, and he blinks three times when he hears a snatch of a sentence, seeming like it's from a little bit further away. he doesn't look up, doesn't respond, just keeps staring at the spot in front of his feet, eyes glazed over.

[miajuwon]

HYUNWOO !

( trigger warnings // mention of character death )

juwon is struggling and hyunwoo barely knows how to help. he’s growing more and more concerned as he fails to regulate his breathing. hyunwoo doesn’t want to have to call a medic for his friend passing out, worried he’ll spiral into an inconsolable state again. he feels guilty thinking himself as so important but he knows juwon, he’s close and he knows what he’s going through, sharing the same loss.

there’s a petal of relief on the wilting flower in hyunwoo’s chest. his friend’s breathing is finally leveling out and yet he can’t consider it a win because juwon’s eyes are glossy and unseeing and his other friend is *dead.

all he wants to do at the moment is cry and burrow under his softest blanket and the only urge stronger than that is to get juwon away from the public hallways, washed, and into bed so they can cry together. hyunwoo has his family and jina to be his steady lighthouses in the dark path he sees ahead for himself; he will have to be the same for juwon in sieon’s absence.

“come on,” he coaxes after he feels the tightening in his shirt. it’s a hard feat but hyunwoo maneuvers him despite the grip behind him. he manages it without juwon letting go and tucks his arms under the other agents legs as he stands up with him on the back. it would be too much trouble for both of them to walk back so hyunwoo made an executive decision, he wasn’t the strongest agent at meia but he could handle a piggyback ride for 10 minutes.

it’s a quick process to get to hyunwoo’s room, most people avoiding them once they see juwon’s condition, and for that he’s thankful. “not too much longer, okay?” a quick entry of his passcode and swipe of his credentials has his door opening. the bathroom is closest to his bedroom and for that he thanks whatever’s out there for small mercies, not wanting to leave his friend alone for long. “just give me one moment okay?” he sits him down on the closed toilet and coaxes his hands to let go from his shirt. once he succeeds, he runs into his bedroom for a quick minute to grab them sleepwear. he doesn’t allow himself to stay too long, despite the fact that he wants to cry for a whole week and never leave again.

when he walks back in to juwon he takes a moment to assess the man. he doesn’t think he’ll make it standing in the shower for long and hyunwoo doesn’t want to risk an accident with the tiles so leaves juwon to remain sitting to grab a washcloth and wet it with warm water and soap.

“wonnie, i’m going to take your shirt off okay?” the shirt is soaked and full of gore, there’s probably no saving it and trying to clean his friend with it still on seems like a lost cause. once the shirt is gone, he takes the washcloth to juwon’s face to start. he puts enough force into it to lift the dried blood but gentle enough that it doesn’t pull the skin to hard. the last thing he wants to do is to hurt him. “you with me yet?”

his eyes are glossy with tears that well up and trickle down slowly, a trail of tears down his face, sweeping through the blood stains that cover his clothes, his face, everything about him. maneuvering him up into a movable position must take a lot of effort for hyunwoo, because juwon can hardly muster the strength to hold his own head up now that sieon has been taken away from him. he'd put all his effort into holding onto his friend, not letting him go, and now that sieon is gone, juwon feels lost.

he whimpers softly as he's moved around, and before he understands what's happening, his cheek is resting against hyunwoo's shoulder, his eyes half open, arms loosely slung around the other's neck, a hand still weakly fisting at his friend's shirt. they're moving, and he lets his eyes drift shut, everything muted.

the world moves around him again and he blinks blearily up at hyunwoo's face, a little blurry from the unshed tears, and he sits there silently, unable to convince himself to move. he can tell that hyunwoo is talking to him, but the words aren't really comprehending, and he's just so tired he can hardly tell up from down. there's a gentle tug, and juwon doesn't fight it as hyunwoo takes off his shirt, the skin underneath sticky with remnants of sieon's blood.

the first touch of the warm washcloth to his face has him shivering, the gentle movement rousing him slightly, and unexpectedly, the feeling of resurfacing even just a little bit has his shoulders hitching and a soft whimper escaping his lips. "hyun..." he manages, his friend blurring in his eyes once more as the tears begin flowing anew from exhausted, burning eyes.

the sobs are weaker, juwon's body too exhausted to produce the same kind of heartwrenching, painful sobs that had wracked him earlier in the front hall. these sobs are quiet, barely there, characterized by the hitching of his shoulders and the tears leaking slowly down his face, eyes glossy and misty.

[miajuwon]

& believe me, i’m lost

INSOO !

insoo swallows down the sick feeling that grows at juwon’s explanation. he’d been there when the other agent had been brought in. it was a sickening comparison he’d quickly had to go through seeing the newly found juwon versus the kid he’d known in childhood. they’d found him at perimeter or something like that and brought him in for the medic team to handle. juwon had just looked sick. he was an unhealthy weight, bruised and bleeding and left to succumb to hypothermia. insoo knew intimately how rough it was out there and for juwon to have been alone? it had broken his heart then and it broke his heart now. his mind warred with his heart and the information that that was part of a lie. the injuries were real, definitely real– insoo had treated them himself and that was no work of any sort of makeup or deceit.

“so they abused you there.” as much as it hurt, he forced himself to think logically. this was in line with one of his explanations he’d assumed– that juwon was forced to be a ’traitor’.

he feels his friend pull away before the words hit. lying. don’t deserve. insoo closes his eyes and for a moment wishes to be dreaming, wishes that he could open his eyes back up and in another world they’d be speaking of something else, and not something so heartbreaking.

“juwonnie,” and maybe anyone else in insoo’s position would immediately put a wall between them, ice out a self-proclaimed traitor but it’s not in his nature, not when he knows juwon the way he does. “we were friends before, eating dirt whenever we tripped over our stubby little legs. i don’t think our friendship was a lie or mission- was it?” insoo doesn’t even know what sort of information juwon could’ve reported on from him, insoo only just became a senior recently and wasn’t of much importance before then aside from treating injuries and healing. he was never a star player in the agency. he couldn’t add the math of the image juwon was painting and the reality he knew and lived.

“i will be kind to you because you are my friend.” he shuts that idea down immediately. until he gets to the end of things and makes a final decision, he wouldn’t rob juwon of the comfort he obviously needed while confessing, despite him thinking he didn’t deserve it.

“did you report back on everything you found out?” the question slips out and insoo immediately shakes his head in the aftermath, this was something that could’ve waited. “juwon, you don’t sound like someone who was willingly working against us– do they have something on you, are they blackmailing you?”

insoo's flat statement sends a pulse of shock and surprise through him. physically, he flinches, though the outward expression doesn't reflect how much the words catch him off guard. abuse? he hadn't been abused. the word makes him want to recoil and he doesn't think that whatever sra had trained them to endure should count as abuse.

(but in this case, juwon is an entirely unreliable narrator. there's no doubt about what he'd gone through at the hands of not only sra, but his parents, and the sheer fact of the matter is that juwon is already past the point of understanding abuse from a logical perspective.)

"no, they... it wasn't abuse. it was training." he defends with a surprising amount of vigour in his tone, his eyebrows furrowing together slightly. "it's not... it wasn't like that... i chose... i was proud when they picked me," he confesses in a rush of words that makes it sound like he's barely convinced himself.

but he is proud — had been proud, hadn't he?

insoo questions if their friendship had been a lie, a mission, and juwon can't help the twist of pain as he tries to think. maybe at the beginning, getting close to insoo had been a way to rekindle old friendships and work his way into the trust of those already trusted by meia, but a bigger part of juwon is telling him to tell the truth. the fondness he'd developed for insoo? that had all been real. that's why he's here, after all, telling insoo the truth that he's hidden for almost a year now. because deep down, maybe he does believe that their friendship is strong enough for this.

"no, n-no," he stammers out, his expression pained as he swallows, his adam's apple bobbing in his throat. "at first... at first, yes... when i came back... but not after. not recently..." the words seem like they're physically being ripped out of him with the pained expression on his face, even if he means every word.

insoo shuts down his attempt at trying to push the other away so quickly that it almost makes his head spin, and his lips part wordlessly in a protest that he never gets the chance to vocalize. "but," he starts before his voice fades, not knowing what else to say in the face of insoo's firm denial.

shaking his head slightly, he mumbles, "i barely... it's not easy..." he mumbles and his lips press together as he lifts his head slightly. "i was doing the right thing," he says with conviction, although his expression falters afterwards. "... or i thought i was. i just..." here, his voice goes very quiet, his shoulders slumping once more. "i wanted to make my parents happy again."

[geonmia]

seeing ghosts.

@miajuwon

he feels like he’s living up to his namesake these days. a shadow. nothing more than a dark spot floating through life, not quite fully sentient though just short of lifeless. geon thought he was lost when he was wandering in the wilderness for nearly two years. that’s nothing compared to this type of lost. he knows how to navigate meia by now, how to tell which path goes to what part of the complex, but… there’s no direction. no aim. sometimes his head feels like it’s spinning so much that he doesn’t even know what way is up, where’s down, or his left from his right. his entire world is gone, as far as he’s concerned. blown up, destroyed, and he’s not even allowed to go to it to mourn the loss of the only family he had ever known.

ari, he hasn’t tried to send his thoughts so far since he thought he was dying. he doesn’t know if his old friend heard him then, let alone if he can hear him now. if he’s even still alive. are you still out there? if i go looking, will i find you?

as always, there’s no response. there never is, no matter how much he practiced with a person. just silence. his own voice. and, well, haneul’s too sometimes. but she’s quiet right now. he hopes she can’t hear him, his misery. he hopes that she can’t feel the black hole that’s eating away at his chest. when geon looks in the mirror, past the greasy, unwashed hair and sunken, tired face, he’s scared at what will look back at him. sometimes he thinks that the red in his eyes has taken over the white, that the black marks on his upper body have spread further. he runs his tongue across his teeth and swears that they’re sharper than they used to be. he’s so afraid he’s losing his humanity. his dreams are full of blood and flesh, of destruction, and sometimes when he wakes up he can’t remember himself for a few terrifying seconds.

but if there’s anyone who looks worse than geon, it’s juwon.

if geon is living up to ‘shadow’, then juwon is also living up to ‘phantom’. he too walks through the halls like a ghost, pale and lifeless. there’s no light here, no spark of life. the parts of geon that aren’t already shattered crack and break a little more when he sees him, one of his first friends when he came to meia, drifting through life like a dead man. he still has it in him to pity him. geon keeps a wide berth, at first, not knowing if juwon would appreciate the company of a demon so soon after what happened to the other agent. but… geon can’t help it. he’s always been a little too soft, maybe even more so now that he can hardly focus on anything other than his own fear and misery.

juwon’s sitting down, so geon sits next to him. he doesn’t move away, so geon takes that as acceptance that he can be here, that juwon doesn’t hate all of demonkind after what he was witness to. words don’t come to geon’s lips. they haven’t since he first heard of what happened to grand heights, his tongue feeling too heavy to lift. but it’s alright, he can still communicate important things. he leans down, trying to catch juwon’s eye; he can’t send him anything without that. geon takes advantage of the briefest glance.

you look worse than i do… i’m so sorry.

he hopes juwon looked at him long enough to get the message.

[miajuwon]

( content warnings // mention of character death )

if there had ever been a comparison of how juwon felt in that moment, it would have to be rather like the abandoned shell of a hermit crab. there's a longing emptiness that lingers inside him, gaping wide and painful, his heart cracked open and squeezed clean of any happiness that once existed inside him. he's existing but he's not sure why, anymore. there's so much happening around him but juwon can barely bring himself to leave his room. it's so much easier to curl up in bed and wonder if sieon would have been fine if he hadn't selfishly taken the promotion to junior agent.

then, maybe, he and sieon wouldn't have been put on the same team. they wouldn't have taken that accursed patrol mission that juwon had insisted on stepping out of the gates for. they wouldn't have even been in that situation where sieon had died.

he should never have come to meia. maybe then sieon would still be alive.

he doesn't know if it's better or worse that sieon had remembered

he's sitting blankly at a table in the dining hall, a plate of barely touched food in front of him, gazing emptily at the food there. a presence seats itself next to him, but juwon barely even notices. he doesn't really understand who is there, too lost in his own mind to process exactly what is going on around him, but when a thought filters into his head, his eyes having flickered towards the figure without him meaning to, he dimly registers that it's geon.

it doesn't occur to him immediately that geon is a demon. sieon had turned into a demon. juwon had killed sieon. rather, geon's natural timidity and the reliance the demon agent had always shown to him triggers something else, and juwon lifts his head slightly, his eyes bleak and expression exhausted.

"geon..." he breathes, his voice rough from not speaking.

[miajuwon]

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– « bad lightning

SEB !

the juwon that meets him at the door is a ghost compared to every juwon he’s seen before; well, aside from the one he saw when insoo broke the news of juwon’s true affiliation. somehow, he looks worse now, with further time to sink into himself and reflect on the reality of his situation. or maybe that’s just seb’s imagination.

either way, he’s glad he opens the door and lets him in, and he offers him a soft smile and nod as he enters. for now, in his apartment, there’s no evidence that anything has changed. he’s sure in the coming days, once the head agents learn the truth, they will search his room from top to bottom, and seb can’t help but wonder what really is in this room. he almost wants to ask: are we being recorded right now? but he doesn’t want to scare juwon further. first, he suspects juwon would’ve removed any recording devices when he confessed to being a spy, and then, he’s afraid doing so would reveal his turning on them to the sra. regardless, he’s sure they’ll learn the truth eventually. it’ll be on meia to protect him, and seb will be one of the people that does. that much isn’t a question for him.

he isn’t sure what to say first, truthfully, so he just turns to him and hands him the apple slices while he considers his next words. “i wanted to make sure you ate something,” he explains. “i know you’ve been under a lot of stress. it’s easy to forget, but even if you aren’t hungry, it’s important to try. not eating will just make you feel worse.” he knows that from experience too, as does he know that following those words are easier said than done. “i know you’re probably just trying to survive right now, and that’s fine, but it won’t stop me from nagging you.” he smile softly once more. seb considers it part of his job.

he’s sure that right now, juwon can’t understand why seb is being so kind to him. seb imagines the guilt he feels now must be similar to the guilt he felt after killing his brother in a slightly different way. juwon betrayed them more literally, but seb felt like a traitor too for a while. he knew he had to kill him, and yet he felt like he turned his back on his family. it must be even worse for juwon, knowing the depth of the damage he helped cause. when seb thinks about that…about the destruction of meia months ago, and the pain lerissa went through, he grows a little more resentful. seb hates that. he doubts juwon knew exactly what his actions would cause, and regardless, he regrets them now. that’s what matters. they can’t change the past.

“i know you’ll probably spend a long time trying to make up for all of this,” seb says at last, and he means all of it: sieon’s death, his work for the sra. “and maybe that’s for the best. it’ll make sure you still have purpose. that’s the way i looked at it, and the…way i still do, i suppose.”

he figures he owes juwon more of an explanation. he doesn’t want to make this about himself, but he isn’t sure how much juwon wants to talk. he figures he should gauge that for sure first, though, so he shakes his head lightly, with another soft smile. “i should ask you how you’re doing first. i figure it’s not very well, but…we haven’t had the chance to talk for a while.” what’s the main thing he wants juwon to know, if nothing else? that he forgives him. but does he really? does he really already? how honest does he want to be with juwon? what does he think will save him the most pain? “that might sound really intimidating, i’m sorry,” and he laughs a little. “i’m not mad at you. honestly, i think i’m still processing the truth too, but…i know what kaiser does. i know you had your reasons for listening to him, and you telling us the truth speaks to your good heart. i forgive you for that.”

there are other aspects that he thinks will take longer to forgive, as much as he wishes he could let it go immediately. there are new matters to forgive himself for now too, like raising him on team raven and not realizing anything was amiss; for being his friend growing up and not noticing anything different when he returned. maybe he was too relieved to have him back, or maybe he is simply too trusting. maybe that’s something he needs to reconsider.

maybe that’s what hurts the most, though: not senior agent sebastian’s honor or loyalty to meia, but the remnants of yoomin still deep within his heart that says i thought we were friends?

his head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds, and his shoulders are slumped, as though he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. the guilt that weighs him down threatens to choke him, and he can't help the feeling that everyone would be better off if he had never come to meia to begin with. he should have just stayed at sra. maybe then he would never have been put in this position where he had had to choose between two incredibly difficult things.

two loyalties.

he's not sure why seb is here in the end, and he peeks up at the other with eyes that are exhausted and dull, his hands automatically coming up to receive the apple slices that seb places in his hands. the weight of the apple slices in his hand only makes the guilt that he feels inside even heavier, a soft little inhale leaving him as he bites down on his lower lip. the last time seb had given him apple slices, it had been before the river block mission. before he had promised to come back safely and deliberately injured himself, breaking his promise.

the words that leave seb's lips are the last thing that juwon had ever expected to hear. seb, still caring for him, still making sure he eats because the situation is stressful, still looking out for him even when juwon had just betrayed him — he doesn't understand.

"i don't understand," he voices faintly, his eyes full of bewilderment, his expression twisting slightly in non-comprehension. "why are you... i don't understand... you should be angry..." his voice tightens as the emotion chokes him up, and he swallows painfully, his eyes locked onto seb's in confusion.

"i... i lied to you," he whispers, the words ripping themselves from a painfully tight throat, his eyes glossy even as he fights not to squeeze or drop the apple slices. looking down at them is easier than looking at seb, and he shakes his head slowly. "you... you should hate me."

he just can't understand why seb is talking to him like he still cares. like he still matters. it had been baffling enough for insoo, who had been the first person to hear the truth, to still try and find excuses for him and defend him. but daesu had hugged him, and haneul had always known. he had thought for certain that seb would at least be angry. if he was in any of their places, he doesn't know if he could have forgiven himself.

there are so many things weighing on his heart. he doesn't spend a night where he doesn't wake up dreaming about sieon, and the blood warm on his hands. some nights it's daesu. some nights, it's gaeul. seb. insoo. suhwan. always, the knife in his hands is the one stained with blood, and the sickening thing? he might have done it, if kaiser had ordered it earlier.

there's no excuse. "how can you still care?" he chokes out, filled with self-loathing.

[miajuwon]

& believe me, i’m lost

INSOO !

things shift slightly at juwon’s confession. it confirms his fears and deepens his concern and confusion. he’s not sure where to begin and he doesn’t think asking things that will overwhelm juwon when he’d seem to put a lot of effort into just telling insoo about it at all is a good idea. insoo will let him speak on his own terms about any of the specifics but he does want to know what the situation is and how deep it goes.

“sit, come here.” he says quietly, using the gentle grip he has on juwon’s closed fist to bring him toward the bed. he doesn’t think the other agent’s legs will be able to hold him up much longer with how emotional he looks. insoo can’t imagine the inner turmoil he’s currently going through.

“sra…” his own breath hitches at that. there’s not many other organizations working again meia, but it still surprises him and notches a little sliver of hurt in his chest. he doesn’t allow it to grow, not until he allows juwon to explain himself, to explain why. “sra sent you here.. juwon, what does that mean?”

he can imagine, he can picture a million scenarios in his mind of why and how sra sent juwon and none of them are comforting and all of them make him feel like crying. “you’re still juwonnie, what do you mean by that? can you tell me?” he lets the hand on top of the joined ones move back and forth, hoping to offer something to the other man, hoping it will show that he is open to listening and always will be. he has a bad feeling about it all, anything concerning kaiser and sra unsettles his stomach.

insoo tugs him towards the bed by his closed fist, and juwon stumbles along on numb legs that are about to give out, sinking onto the bed as per insoo’s direction. he feels like he might throw up soon, if the queasiness in his stomach is any indicator, and he presses his forearms against his stomach in an effort to quell that feeling. 

“sra sent me,” he repeats faintly and his eyes are fixed on the ground in front of his feet. “they made sure i would look... appropriate... before they left me near meia.” his voice is barely audible, purposely not thinking about the way that he had lost weight continuously for a month before, the way that they had kicked him and beaten him into the ground, the way that the cold had seeped into his bones and left him feverish up until sol had found him. 

insoo’s hand smooths over his, and he shivers at the warm touch, the kindness something he bitterly feels like he doesn’t deserve anymore with this betrayal that he’s finally revealed. “i lied to you...” he breathes out faintly and his hands twitch under insoo’s again. “i... i was supposed to be... everyone’s friend... to get information...” 

“i don’t deserve...” he pulls his hands away slowly, feeling horribly guilty for accepting insoo’s kindness when insoo doesn’t understand the gravity of his sins. “stop... don’t be kind to me...” 

[miajuwon]

HYUNWOO !

( trigger warnings // mention of character death )

hyunwoo’s body moves with the force of juwon’s rocking. he barely has the heart to pull him away, can feel the pull to hang onto sieon for the rest of time tearing into him as well but he knows this isn’t how today can go. he can’t let juwon succumb to his grief in this way. sieon’s body needs checked out and juwon needs to let go and be cleaned and hugged and whispered to– anything to comfort him, anything to comfort hyunwoo.

tears finally break through the invisible barrier hyunwoo had been holding them back at when sieon’s taken away. he’s quick to wipe them away so he can see, they can come later when he’s alone in his room or in his mother’s embrace or with jina, he couldn’t afford them now.

his heart breaks at what he hears from his friend. “no!” he shakes his head and holds juwon tighter. “don’t you say that…” he breathes in to calm himself- he can’t let anger get its grip on him now, knows juwon is only speaking from grief.

hyunwoo takes one of juwon’s hands and places it on his chest, breathing in deeply and exhaling in a rhythm. “follow me, okay?” he keeps going even though it’s taking a while for his friend to match him. “i know… i know.” his other hand moves to the other man’s hair, running through to try and calm him. “you gotta match it okay, you gotta breathe for me.”

they’ll need to move soon, free the main area so it can be cleaned from the mess that’s been tracked through in the process of bringing juwon and sieon home. hyunwoo thinks he’ll never forget the image of his friend that has been burned into his eyes at this point. he doesn’t want nightmares to visit him but it’s too late now, this will be what comes to him every night going forward and he’s not sure if it will ever fade.

sieon hadn’t even gotten to the point of remembering him, hyunwoo has no idea when or if that would’ve happened but he still held hope for his friend. to have him pulled away at a time like this, when everything else in the agency is being uprooted and not being able to even say goodbye regardless of whether the man knew who he was or not– it hurts so badly he can feel it in every part of his body. how is he supposed to live with the what-ifs, how is he supposed to live just a bit more empty, one more friend gone from them.

“wonnie, can i take you home?”

( trigger warnings // mention of character death )

he doesn’t really understand what hyunwoo is saying when the younger male’s voice rises and he just sobs breathlessly as hyunwoo clutches him closer. his hands flutter uselessly, unable to ground himself, and it takes a moment before his hands come up to hold onto hyunwoo’s arm weakly. “hyun...” he whimpers as hyunwoo’s warm hand encompasses his, sticky and tacky with drying blood, and juwon can feel how hyunwoo’s chest moves. 

he can feel how hyunwoo’s chest moves, when sieon’s doesn’t anymore. 

a sob shakes his body and it’s so hard to follow hyunwoo’s breathing, deep and steady, trying to follow the movement of his body. his chest heaves as he tries to follow hyunwoo’s breathing, hand spasming against hyunwoo’s chest as he clenches it involuntarily, body shaking and exhausted. 

breathe. he has to breathe. 

hyunwoo’s hand in his hair is so gentle, and it makes juwon’s chest hurt more than it already does. with the movement of hyunwoo’s hand in his hair and the rise and fall of hyunwoo’s chest so steady, it still takes long moments before juwon’s breathing finally settles back into something resembling a normal pattern of breathing, interspersed with soft gasps. his eyes slowly lose the frantic, panicked, wild grief that had filled them, but in that wildness’s place is just — blankness. his shoulders still hiccup with little jolts as his breath hitches, but the look in his eyes is just empty, too exhausted to process anything anymore. 

home. the word echoes in his ear, hyunwoo’s voice, and he can only make a faint little noise in response, his hand tightening in hyunwoo’s shirt, the only thing on his mind that he doesn’t want hyunwoo to go. there’s no fight left in him now, just a broken boy covered in blood, boneless in his remaining friend’s arms. 

[miajuwon]

& believe me, i’m lost

INSOO !

juwon pulling away from him feels wrong in ways insoo isn’t sure how to interpret. it feels like the other is pulling away in more ways that just physically and it unsettles him. the resulting look on juwon’s face that comes once he’s far enough away that insoo can see causes the feeling of unrest, confusion, and sadness fight together within. he hates the changes the other’s face is making– anything that isn’t a smile or the fierceness of fighting doesn’t belong on his friend’s features.

“juwon?” he asks after the cryptic question sent his way, after the long pause of silence before more is said.

the question shocks him. insoo knew the possibility of there being traitors in meia was very real, very likely, considering all that had happened recently with kaiser and the lot. he never would have expected anyone close to him being one though. he’s not sure he even believes what juwon is implying. the juwon he knows is sweet and fierce and a great friend. the juwon he knows is going through so much after losing his best friend. the juwon he knows–

“so… are you a traitor then?” he gives him the benefit of the doubt, like he always had in the past. if juwon thinks he’s a traitor, well, insoo isn’t sure he has the same qualifications. there must be an explanation, must be some reason behind it all otherwise he wouldn’t be confessing like this.

insoo reaches out to clenching hands, pulling one between both of his own to hold. he tilts his head, not a hard feat considering their height difference, to attempt eye contact. “why would you think you are one?”

breathing in and out in a concerted effort to remain calm, his heart racing as he tries to convince himself that telling insoo what his mission is, what he really is, is the correct step, he can feel himself shaking but it feels distant, like he can’t stop himself. the pain on his face is something he’s utterly incapable of masking in his emotionally battered state. he still feels like he’s swimming through molasses, trying to get past the loss of sieon, and so quickly, they’d replaced his best friend with someone else, a demon like the one that had killed sieon — 

he inhales shakily and his expression twists as insoo asks him if he is a traitor. juwon feels like he’s been shot in the stomach with how much guilt he feels, his arms wrapped around himself, hands gripping his arms so forcefully that he’s white-knuckled and probably leaving bruises on his skin. 

“i am,” he whispers in response, so soft it’s barely even audible, and his legs feel weak, like his legs won’t hold him up anymore. he’s trying to focus on his breathing, trying desperately hard not to panic as he unfolds the biggest secret he’s kept since coming to meia, and even then he cannot look up to meet insoo’s eyes. 

but then warmth envelops his hand as insoo pulls one of his hands forward, and juwon really does think his legs are going to give up on him in that moment, already wanting to cry from how kind insoo is being to him in that moment. he meets insoo’s eyes accidentally as he glances at the other, and looks away quickly, thinking that he won’t be able to get the words out if insoo is looking at him with those compassionate, kind eyes. 

“i... i was sent here by sra,” he confesses in a pained whisper. “i’m not... i’m not who i said i am.”

[miajuwon]

& my life held in your hands

GAEUL !

     it’s been busy lately. for her, at least.

     with the whole leaving the agency thing, she’s been extra busy helping alistair with packing up all their tech equipment and making sure that it’s all stored properly so that they can eventually re-set it all back up once they’ve arrived at wherever their new living quarters were. she’s been holed up here, working mostly on her own unless there was something that she wasn’t sure about and needed to harass alistair for. 

     all in all, she’s been very productive but not socially active. she’s actually probably quite out of the loop as to what’s going on because the tech team has been so busy with trying to make sure they’ll be able to operate the same way as soon as humanely possible. 

     despite not being enhanced in anyway, while also seeming to have some mental enhancements, gaeul’s always trusted her gut with everything. it’s one of the reasons she gets good results when she tinkers with weapons, only going with what she knows and not every time just following the instructions or what should be done. and while she ponders this, pulling apart a cord to safely stow it away she glances at the door, feeling like someone’s there and she frowns, pressing the button to have the door slide open to reveal who’s on the other side.

     “juwon,” she greets, turning her attention back to what she’s doing when she sees who it is, knowing he probably wasn’t asking her for a weapon upgrade considering she had just given him one. “do you need something?”

he’s startled when the door opens suddenly before he’s even had a chance to knock, and he inhales in surprise when his cousin greets him blandly, turning away from him again. he steps into her workshop, quietly closing the door behind him, and he’s quiet for a moment as he tries to figure out the best way to say what he wants to say. 

“gaeul,” he starts and his expression twists slightly, unsure of how exactly to alert her of the severity of the situation, the gravity of the words he wants to say to her. it’s not exactly a confession he thinks anyone would expect at this point, so critical with a move about to happen. 

“gaeul, can i talk to you about something...?” he sounds hesitant, a little nervous, and while this might tip off his cousin to the fact that there’s nothing good incoming, he doesn’t care. he needs to tell her before she finds out from someone else, especially since she’s some of the only family he really has left. 

“can you make sure no one else can hear us?” he asks quietly, fingers twitching nervously against his thighs, expecting her to be on high guard.

[miajuwon]

& believe me, i’m lost

INSOO !

as soon as his name is out of juwon’s mouth, the other agent doesn’t even need to answer him– he knows something is wrong. insoo feels something settle untethered in the pit of his stomach.

“…end you?” insoo is terribly confused. what could juwon be hiding as a secret that would bring insoo to violence, let alone fatal violence. he doesn’t afford juwon the ability to move away this time, no room to misunderstand. he pulls him into a hug, wrapping his arms around juwon’s shoulders to attempt to ground him. eventually, he drops from the tips of his toes and lets his arms drop a little, not lessening their pressure on the other agent.

“juwonnie, what are you talking about?” the feeling in his gut worsens but he tries not to let anything but concern leak into his voice. the silence of his room now feels like a weight on him and he tries not to let the worry consume him. juwon’s question on top of how he looks and everything else make insoo feel like he’s not going to like the answer he receives.

“there’s nothing you could tell me that would make me abandon you, i hope you know that.”

insoo pulls him forward, into an embrace that he hadn’t expected, and he shudders slightly before he lets himself sink into the warm embrace of his team leader, his arms coming up uncertainly to hug insoo back, even if the action is weak. insoo’s voice is worried and confused, and yet despite insoo being right in his line of sight as he glances downwards, he refuses to meet the other’s eyes, pulling away from the other’s freely given embrace. 

he doesn’t deserve insoo’s kind understanding, not when he’s been actively betraying the other’s trust. 

his lips quirk up at the corners into a smile without any actual amusement, wry and pained, his eyes flickering to insoo’s face and then away again. “nothing?” his voice is soft, “you can’t think of any kind of secret that would make you turn away from me, insoo?” his voice is tight with emotion, his humourless smile falling, despondency creeping onto his face instead. 

he’s silent for a long moment after that before he finally says, not meeting insoo’s eyes, his hands clenching and unclenching at his side, seemingly involuntarily, “... wouldn’t you hate me if i was a traitor?”

[miajuwon]

& reap what you sow

You are summoned to head agent Maylin’s office. The other head agents are waiting outside the door when you approach, each looking grim and avoiding looking at you. Jinx is the first to move, opening the door and gesturing for you to walk in. Once you cross the thresholds, the other head agents file in after you. 

“Take a seat, Agent Phantom.” Maylin says from behind her desk, pointing to the foldable chair in front of it. The head agents stay to the back of the room with only Celest crossing over to stand beside the desk.

“You know why you are here today.” It’s not a question and Maylin does not wait for you to say anything. “In light of recent information we have received there are some steps we must take. All actions have consequences and this is a time of war.”

Maylin seems almost sad as she leans forward. 

“You’re a good person, and you have the heart to be an even greater agent. But we can not over look the work you have done for Kaiser.” She throws a look at Celest.

The Ghost agent nods, and soon a hologram is hovering behind Maylin. It shows a video from the mission that took place in RIVER BLOCK. 

“Ghost is always watching.” Celest says as the video loops once more. 

Maylin leans back and waves her hand. Alistair approaches with a case in their hands. The case is set on the desk and snaps open revealing a watch. 

“Hwang Juwon, Agent Phantom, you are here by stripped of your title as a junior agent and removed from your team until further notice.” Maylin starts. “Your current coms devices are to be confiscated and replaced with this one. You and your room are going to be searched and anything remotely suspicious will be confiscated as well.“ 

As she speaks, Alistair goes about collecting the coms device and getting you hooked up with the new watch. 

"From now until the time we begin the move you will spend time with Jinx and Celest studying History and what it means to have loyalty. One the day of the move you will be tested and only then will we decide if you are allowed back within the ranks.” She nods to Celest who begins to step away. 

“You will have a curfew and your current room will have a guard placed outside of it and if you caught leaving after curfew then we will place you under house arrest. Do I make myself clear?" 

juwon’s heart is racing like a rabbit’s when he’s summoned to maylin’s office. there’s no question about why he’s there — he’s under no delusions whatsoever that this could be about something other than the big revelation he’d made to the four senior agents who lead teams. he can only hope that whatever punishment they see fit to lay on him, it’s not death. as he approaches the office, he doesn’t look up, his eyes fixed on his feet, and so he misses the fact that there are no eyes on him, that none of the head agents are looking at him. he only glances up slightly to note when the door opens, taking silent footsteps inside as though keeping quiet would somehow hide his presence from the weighty, oppressive feeling that settles on his shoulders. 

he steps inside, and the head agents follow him. “take a seat, agent phantom.” maylin’s voice is cool and professional, and juwon obediently settles himself into the folding chair, eyes fixed on his hands, folded neatly on his lap. they’re trembling, but he’s hiding that as best as he can by lacing his fingers together tightly, so tightly it’s almost painful. 

maylin speaks again, and all juwon can do is sit there, nodding silently in response to what she says. he knows why he’s there, and he hadn’t been so naive as to think that he would get by without consequences just because he had exposed himself. but maylin’s next words surprise him when she praises his heart, and he lifts his eyes slightly, the surprise evident in his eyes, uncertain and doubtful as they flit away, unable to look at maylin’s face for very long, ashamed. the video that plays via hologram catches his attention, and he winces, glancing away from the video, the shame evident on his face. he can see his thoughts on his own face so clearly. he’s not sure if everyone else can see it too, but he can. 

maylin hands down his punishment and it’s less than he had expected — stripped of his title as an agent, removed from his team, monitored and searched — it’s merely the standard, and juwon would have expected a much harsher punishment given the gravity of his sin. holding out his wrist obediently, he allows alistair to detach his watch, replacing it with the new one, accepting his punishment silently. there’s more to come, and juwon merely nods. confinement with jinx and celest. but the punishment is strangely light, he thinks, as reassessment will come in such a short time, and he wonders if they can really evaluate who he is in so short of a time. 

“i understand… i’m sorry,” he whispers, speaking his first words of the meeting in response to maylin’s final declaration of his curfew and the guard posted outside his room. “i… i’m not allowed visitors, am i?” he asks hesitantly before maylin shakes her head. bowing his head, he nods slightly. “… thank you.” his voice is very soft, his posture screaming resignation and acceptance. 

maybe it’s for the better that he won’t have to see the other agents. he’s disappointed them all enough, he thinks.

[miajuwon]

HYUNWOO !

( trigger warnings // mention of character death )

it hurts; it hurts on unspeakable levels to witness both sieon’s bloody body and juwon’s resulting breakdown. juwon’s reactions are entirely warranted, if hyunwoo was on his end he’d be the same– if hyunwoo hadn’t been called down to specifically help his remaining friend he would have been the same mess.

he can tell juwon isn’t breathing at a normal rate, closer to hyperventilating than what he was comfortable seeing. “it’s-” he cuts himself off quickly. there’s no space for empty promises like everything would be okay for them after this. sieon was gone, not that hyunwoo knew how at the moment. sieon was gone to the world and covered in the gore of it all, juwon matching him but still alive. something horrible must have happened.

“we need to let go, wonnie. i’ve got you, i’ve got you..” the hands on the juwon’s other side rub up and down his arm, hyunwoo’s body following as the other boy curls in towards the body clutched in his hands.

the look in the eyes that finally meet his are haunted. it makes hyunwoo sick to his stomach. juwon was such a good person, he didn’t deserve whatever he had witnessed out there. sieon was their third piece; hyunwoo couldn’t even describe the despair he felt looking down and seeing the boy’s face slack, no emotions and no movement. he feels guilty not being on whatever task they’d been assigned– maybe if he’d been there he could’ve…

there’s no use in thinking about what-ifs.

“i know it hurts, but we need to let them take him.” he tries to coax juwon up. if he can get him to let go maybe hyunwoo will be able to get him in a shower and wash him from the remaining gore.

( trigger warnings // mention of character death )

the sound of his gasps are almost painful to listen to, rattling and uneven, so quick little draws of breath, in and out, that are not deep enough to be giving him enough oxygen to calm down. juwon sobs in hyunwoo’s arms, the strength in his body giving out as he slumps against his friend, still cradling sieon’s body. sieon’s face is slack in death, and juwon can hardly bear to look down at his friend, but at the same time, he can’t take his eyes away, the tears dripping from his face and sliding down sieon’s pale cheeks to mix with the blood painting their skin. 

“no... please...” he sobs, rocking back and forth unconsciously, clutching sieon’s body to him with weakened arms. he’s exhausted, and hyunwoo’s arms around him feel safer than the people hovering. “don’t... don’t want to... syeon... hyun, please...” his voice is completely wrecked and he’s starting to lose the feeling in his limbs, a cold chill starting to settle in, and this time, when hyunwoo tries to coax him up, his arms loosen around sieon’s body, no longer able to hold on quite so tightly. 

“nooooo...” he moans softly, but he can’t fight anymore, his arms slackening as the other agents gently extract sieon from his arms. “syeon... syeonnie, no...” he tries to reach for sieon’s hand, only to run into hyunwoo’s arms around him and slump, unable to muster the strength to reach out again. he can only watch from the circle of hyunwoo’s arms as the agents carry sieon away, sobbing breathlessly, body trembling in helpless pain as the last image he’ll have of their friend disappears, out of their reach. 

“should... should’ve been me...” he cries weakly to hyunwoo, completely exhausted and dizzy from nearly hyperventilating, his head tipping back to lean into hyunwoo’s shoulder as all strength leaves his body now that sieon’s absence is beginning to sink in. “not him...”

[miajuwon]

& believe me, i’m lost

INSOO !

it’s one of the rare times insoo finds himself in the room. when he’s not in the labs or working on other stuff, he’s usually on the roof relaxing or helping someone with something. with the latest trouble he’s had with sleeping, on top of the usual difficulty he found, insoo had been in the room even less. even now, as he’s waking up from a small nap, he doesn’t feel very rested. he’s worried about the people around him– especially juwon. as much as they knew it came with the situation they were in, nothing could have prepared them prepared juwon for losing sieon.

insoo knew what happened in the end; juwon had had to make an impossible split decision and now was paying the mental and emotional toll of it all. this was on top of everything that was already happening with meia in general and their sister location. insoo’s heart was breaking for his friend, but there wasn’t much he could do except be there for him.

he’s not expecting a knock on his door but he can’t say he’s surprised, less so when the object of his current thoughts’ familiar voice floats in to him. there’s not a version of this lifetime that insoo would even hesitate opening the door for him. he’s quick to move from his bed and open the door, immediately pulling it wide and motioning for the other to come in. his room is clean and organized, a result of him being there so little, so he doesn’t worry about tidying up and keeps his eyes on juwon.

the other agent doesn’t look well, not that insoo thought he’d recover so soon after everything. it hurt to see him struggling like this.

“juwon?” he opens his arms in invitation once the door is closed and juwon is safe in the privacy of his room. if he could heal juwon through a hug and not have him hurt over anything else he would- it’s what he would deserve after everything he’s been made to go through. insoo remembers the last major mission like it was yesterday, still feels the spark of fear that he could’ve lost any of the other agents at that time– could’ve lost juwon if he was any less experienced or panicked. he never wants to see another friend recovering in that state again but knows it’s fruitless to hope like that.

“is something wrong?”

he raises his eyes to meet insoo’s immediately worried gaze, the other agent ushering him inside, and juwon can’t help but shiver slightly. something about insoo’s gaze makes him feel naked, completely seen, like there’s nothing he could say that could surprise the other. he doesn’t know why he gets that feeling from insoo, considering he’s almost certain the other doesn’t suspect him at all, despite having been the victim of one of his “spy schemes.”

his mind flickers back to the river block mission so many months ago, when he had given insoo such a difficult time, first with the deliberate injury that had been meant to distract the medic, and then with the unexpected demon attack that had almost proved to be fatal. it might have been, had insoo not been as good of a healer as he is. 

he feels bad for that now. 

he knows what it’s like to lose a friend, one very dear to him, and he’s sorry that he put insoo through that possibility at all. 

it’s one thing to lose someone to the world out there, like he had sieon. in the few moments when he can think logically about the situation, he knows that there was nothing either of them really could have done to prevent sieon from being attacked by the demon. but that mission? juwon had deliberately hurt himself and endangered both of them. 

“insoo,” he says after a long moment of silence, the tenderness in his team leader’s voice almost painful. he’d been happy to be with insoo on a team, especially with the other as a leader, but sad at the same time to leave the young twins and seb. suhwan and sieon had been a more than pleasant addition, but lately... his relationship with suhwan has been strained, while sieon... is gone. 

“insoo... i...” he swallows, his heart pounding and rushing in his ears. “if i told you... i was keeping a big secret... would you end me yourself...?”

[miaxseb]

–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– « bad lightning

tragedy in meia isn’t new. what kaiser did to the agency on their last major mission was a tragedy, as was the fall of gha, which they’ll be leaving to investigate soon.

as is sieon’s death at juwon’s hand; a necessary action, but a painful one nonetheless. seb knows firsthand. every time he hears news of someone having to put down a fellow agent that turned, his heart aches with his own memories: his sister’s limp body, his brother’s blood on his hands, and the way he sat there afterwards, time bleeding by at a rate he couldn’t decipher, heavy with the knowledge that he was the last one left. his family was gone, his brother at his own hand and his sister due to his failure to act. 

it’s a responsibility he still carries with him today; a mistake he still tries to make up for with every mission and every moment of his life. 

he doesn’t want juwon to know that pain, but now he does. it could be worse: at least it’s only sieon’s life, not two lives lost, but seb knows that doesn’t make a difference to those in mourning. the pain is still insurmountable. the weight of it is still suffocating. 

he knows.

seb kept it together by training, and only broke down in the company of agents that insisted it was okay to be sad, that insisted he needed to be sad, and let himself process his own grief. sometimes he thinks he never really did, filling the holes in his heart with work and distractions instead of letting it heal naturally, and maybe he didn’t. he’s here regardless, though, and he thinks maybe, the fact that his own pain has never gone away might help those with fresh grief like juwon.

sieon’s death would be enough, but now seb knows juwon carried a different weight on his shoulders all this time, too: kaiser’s mission and expectations. seb doesn’t know how much he’s processed the news that juwon is a sra spy yet himself. he has too many questions he wants to know the answers to but doesn’t want to ask, because juwon is already fragile enough without needing to offer up explanations or justifications to seb. how long has he been a spy? what has he told kaiser? what did kaiser tell him? how much of their time since juwon returned to meia has been real?

maybe he’ll know the answers eventually. he doubts he’ll know now, but he has more than enough reason to check on juwon, between his friend’s death and his massive revelation. he imagines juwon’s very world flipped upside down, his life uprooted altogether. seb isn’t sure how to help him through this yet, but he knows he wants to. at the end of the day, he’s still juwon. there’s still more good in him than bad, otherwise he wouldn’t have put his very life on the line to confess the truth to insoo. seb wants to make sure they don’t lose that part of juwon, because it is too easy to lose hope and grow cold in situations like these. he wants to make sure juwon feels like he made the right decision in telling them.

it’s why he shows up at juwon’s door and knocks, baggie of apple slices in hand, because he doubts juwon has eaten lately and he wants to make sure he has something. 

he shoots off a quick message through his communicator, too: it’s me. open up. i’m not mad at you.

« @miajuwon

[miajuwon]

blank.

that’s what juwon feels. 

it’s like the inside of his body is an empty tomb, waiting to bury all the people he loves deep inside him so that they won’t hurt anymore — whether it’s hurt in general, or hurting him. or perhaps even so they won’t be hurt by him anymore. he had let the truth out like he was bleeding the poison from an infected wound, the venom that had been festering inside of him and suffocating him, and yet somehow he still feels like he’s drowning, crushed under the weight of his thoughts. 

daesu somehow, miraculously, truly had not left him. even though juwon had thought that daesu might simply accept his death if juwon had been the one ordered to deliver it, he hadn’t truly expected for the older male to actually do anything of the sort. but daesu, even after learning about the mission juwon had had and the fact that he’s a traitor, who had only come to meia to infiltrate it, had still embraced him. 

juwon doesn’t understand it. 

insoo, too, had been unbearably understanding and kind when he had agonized in the senior’s room, trying to get the words out. insoo had been the first person he had actively told, preparing to be killed on the spot, a liability, and yet insoo had treated him kindly and then brought him to daesu, seb, and haneul, and vouched for him, even. 

juwon really doesn’t understand. how can they be so kind? so trusting? 

seb hasn’t spoken to him since the reveal, and juwon honestly can’t blame the other. if their positions were reversed, he can’t say for certain that he would be able to treat seb with the same forgiveness and kindess that daesu and insoo have given him. 

if he were seb, he would hate hwang juwon too.

there’s a knock on his door that startles him out of his thoughts, and he unfolds himself from the little ball he’d curled up into on the couch, hesitating. who could be knocking at his door? he can’t think of anyone who would want to visit him right now — he hasn’t been very good company these past weeks, unresponsive and quiet and burdened. now that the secret is out? he wants to see people even less. 

but there’s a soft beep from his communicator, and he’s surprised to see that it’s a message from seb, pain aching deep in his heart, and he stumbles towards the door on somewhat numb feet. how long had he been sitting there? 

not mad? juwon can’t believe that. why wouldn’t seb be mad?

opening the door slowly, he bites his lip when he meets seb’s gaze, eyes flickering away just as quickly as he takes a step back to let seb inside.