–––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––––– « bad lightning
the juwon that meets him at the door is a ghost compared to every juwon he’s seen before; well, aside from the one he saw when insoo broke the news of juwon’s true affiliation. somehow, he looks worse now, with further time to sink into himself and reflect on the reality of his situation. or maybe that’s just seb’s imagination.
either way, he’s glad he opens the door and lets him in, and he offers him a soft smile and nod as he enters. for now, in his apartment, there’s no evidence that anything has changed. he’s sure in the coming days, once the head agents learn the truth, they will search his room from top to bottom, and seb can’t help but wonder what really is in this room. he almost wants to ask: are we being recorded right now? but he doesn’t want to scare juwon further. first, he suspects juwon would’ve removed any recording devices when he confessed to being a spy, and then, he’s afraid doing so would reveal his turning on them to the sra. regardless, he’s sure they’ll learn the truth eventually. it’ll be on meia to protect him, and seb will be one of the people that does. that much isn’t a question for him.
he isn’t sure what to say first, truthfully, so he just turns to him and hands him the apple slices while he considers his next words. “i wanted to make sure you ate something,” he explains. “i know you’ve been under a lot of stress. it’s easy to forget, but even if you aren’t hungry, it’s important to try. not eating will just make you feel worse.” he knows that from experience too, as does he know that following those words are easier said than done. “i know you’re probably just trying to survive right now, and that’s fine, but it won’t stop me from nagging you.” he smile softly once more. seb considers it part of his job.
he’s sure that right now, juwon can’t understand why seb is being so kind to him. seb imagines the guilt he feels now must be similar to the guilt he felt after killing his brother in a slightly different way. juwon betrayed them more literally, but seb felt like a traitor too for a while. he knew he had to kill him, and yet he felt like he turned his back on his family. it must be even worse for juwon, knowing the depth of the damage he helped cause. when seb thinks about that…about the destruction of meia months ago, and the pain lerissa went through, he grows a little more resentful. seb hates that. he doubts juwon knew exactly what his actions would cause, and regardless, he regrets them now. that’s what matters. they can’t change the past.
“i know you’ll probably spend a long time trying to make up for all of this,” seb says at last, and he means all of it: sieon’s death, his work for the sra. “and maybe that’s for the best. it’ll make sure you still have purpose. that’s the way i looked at it, and the…way i still do, i suppose.”
he figures he owes juwon more of an explanation. he doesn’t want to make this about himself, but he isn’t sure how much juwon wants to talk. he figures he should gauge that for sure first, though, so he shakes his head lightly, with another soft smile. “i should ask you how you’re doing first. i figure it’s not very well, but…we haven’t had the chance to talk for a while.” what’s the main thing he wants juwon to know, if nothing else? that he forgives him. but does he really? does he really already? how honest does he want to be with juwon? what does he think will save him the most pain? “that might sound really intimidating, i’m sorry,” and he laughs a little. “i’m not mad at you. honestly, i think i’m still processing the truth too, but…i know what kaiser does. i know you had your reasons for listening to him, and you telling us the truth speaks to your good heart. i forgive you for that.”
there are other aspects that he thinks will take longer to forgive, as much as he wishes he could let it go immediately. there are new matters to forgive himself for now too, like raising him on team raven and not realizing anything was amiss; for being his friend growing up and not noticing anything different when he returned. maybe he was too relieved to have him back, or maybe he is simply too trusting. maybe that’s something he needs to reconsider.
maybe that’s what hurts the most, though: not senior agent sebastian’s honor or loyalty to meia, but the remnants of yoomin still deep within his heart that says i thought we were friends?
his head feels like it weighs a hundred pounds, and his shoulders are slumped, as though he carries the weight of the world on his shoulders. the guilt that weighs him down threatens to choke him, and he can't help the feeling that everyone would be better off if he had never come to meia to begin with. he should have just stayed at sra. maybe then he would never have been put in this position where he had had to choose between two incredibly difficult things.
he's not sure why seb is here in the end, and he peeks up at the other with eyes that are exhausted and dull, his hands automatically coming up to receive the apple slices that seb places in his hands. the weight of the apple slices in his hand only makes the guilt that he feels inside even heavier, a soft little inhale leaving him as he bites down on his lower lip. the last time seb had given him apple slices, it had been before the river block mission. before he had promised to come back safely and deliberately injured himself, breaking his promise.
the words that leave seb's lips are the last thing that juwon had ever expected to hear. seb, still caring for him, still making sure he eats because the situation is stressful, still looking out for him even when juwon had just betrayed him — he doesn't understand.
"i don't understand," he voices faintly, his eyes full of bewilderment, his expression twisting slightly in non-comprehension. "why are you... i don't understand... you should be angry..." his voice tightens as the emotion chokes him up, and he swallows painfully, his eyes locked onto seb's in confusion.
"i... i lied to you," he whispers, the words ripping themselves from a painfully tight throat, his eyes glossy even as he fights not to squeeze or drop the apple slices. looking down at them is easier than looking at seb, and he shakes his head slowly. "you... you should hate me."
he just can't understand why seb is talking to him like he still cares. like he still matters. it had been baffling enough for insoo, who had been the first person to hear the truth, to still try and find excuses for him and defend him. but daesu had hugged him, and haneul had always known. he had thought for certain that seb would at least be angry. if he was in any of their places, he doesn't know if he could have forgiven himself.
there are so many things weighing on his heart. he doesn't spend a night where he doesn't wake up dreaming about sieon, and the blood warm on his hands. some nights it's daesu. some nights, it's gaeul. seb. insoo. suhwan. always, the knife in his hands is the one stained with blood, and the sickening thing? he might have done it, if kaiser had ordered it earlier.
there's no excuse. "how can you still care?" he chokes out, filled with self-loathing.