Facts about Greek Myths?
There are a great many figures in Greek myth and they can be hard to keep track of, so here is a quick guide to which is which:
Ajax- Warrior who invented detergent.
Antigone- Funeral enthusiast who invented civil disobedience.
Atlas- First winner of the Olympic strong titan competition.
Bellerophon- Plot point in Mission Impossible 2.
Cerberus- 7 headed dog tragically born with only 3 heads.
Charon- Lead rower for Styx.
Cratus- God of strength, but not THAT god of strength.
Cyclops- Inventor of the monocle.
Daedalus- Inventor of the Labyrinth, and thus of David Bowie.
Dionysus- Drank 24/7 but very responsibly never drove.
Eris- Goddess of fighting with each other.
Eros- God of doing something else with each other.
Euronymous- God of Mayhem.
Fates- Least creatively named destiny gods ever.
Hera- Goddess of marriage yet only Zeus's third wife.
Hylia- Goddess of triangles and disjointed timelines.
Icarus- God of disappointing ones father.
Io- Space captain and epic 3D short film, still not on blu-ray.
Jocasta- Originator of Jo Mama jokes, mother of Oedipus.
Leda- Swan enthusiast and feathery-fandom originator.
Medea- Even worse mom than Jocasta.
Medusa- Inventor of reptile-safe shampoo.
Megaclite- LOL her name is "Megaclite." Pronounced like "Clitty."
Narcissus- Basically Trump.
Odysseus- Sailor who refused to ask for directions.
Orpheus- Inventor of impatiently checking the download bar.
Ouranos- Spelling that could've avoided a lot of planet butt jokes.
Pallas- Inventor of weird looking cats.
Persephone- Pomegranate fan, looked like Monica Bellucci.
Prometheus- Stupid fucking movie, especially for using some of H.R. Giger's original designs then putting them up next to a fucking plain white squid. Also let's make the space jockey a tall guy in a suit. How did Scott think that was a good idea? Fuck that shit and double fuck Covenant for somehow doing even fucking worse.
Rhode- Sea nymph yet not technically an island.
Siren- Inverse groupie.
Sisyphus- Limp Biscuit fan who never stopped rolling.
Tantalus- I'll tell you in a minute...
Thanatos- God of dying as easily as snapping your fingers.
Zeus- When the earth was still flat and the clouds made of fire, and mountains stretched up to the sky, sometimes higher- Folks roamed the earth like big rolling kegs. They had two sets of arms, they had two sets of legs. They had two faces peering out of one giant head so they could watch all around them as they talked and they read. And they never knew nothing of love. It was before the origin of love. There were three sexes then: One that looked like two men glued up back to back, called the children of the sun. Similar in shape and girth were the children of the earth. They looked like two girls rolled up in one. The children of the moon were like a fork shoved on a spoon, they were part sun, part earth- Part daughter, part son. Now the gods grew quite scared of our strength and defiance and Thor said, "I'm gonna kill them all with my hammer, like I killed the giants." And Zeus said, "No, you better let me use my lightening like scissors, like I cut the legs off the whales, and dinosaurs into lizards." Then he grabbed up some bolts and he let out a laugh, and said, "I'll split them right down the middle. Gonna cut them right up in half." And then storm clouds gathered above into great balls of fire, and fire shot down from the sky in bolts like shining blades of a knife and it ripped right through the flesh of the children of the sun and the moon and the earth. If you want the rest, see Hedwig and the Angry Inch cuz this is taking way longer to type than I expected.
