MID-DAY MUSINGS

Wife. Autism Mom. 45. ✨ INFJ. Pisces. Sunset chaser. Frequent passenger on the struggle bus. Welcome to my place for missives, and pretty pictures.

[leonardospoetry]

Feeling too much  can hurt sometimes,  but one day you grow  and realize that your heart  was never really  broken. It was just  wide open.

[feral-ballad]

I thought I had been surviving, and yet, what I was really doing was hanging by a string, loosely holding myself from collapsing. I was always on the verge, and I could feel that friction in my soul.

Fariha Róisín, from Who Is Wellness For?: An Examination of Wellness Culture and Who It Leaves Behind

[bignaz8]

Picacho Peak State Park, Arizona

[middaymusings]

My emotional well is absolutely barren.

[middaymusings]

Have you ever changed for the person you loved? I did, and he doesn't even know it. When my husband first met me, he met someone who was insecure with men. I had been hit, cheated on, lied to, ghosted. So I didn't trust anyone. Honestly, when I met him at first, I didn't like him. It's a story I love to tell, but thats for another time.

But one day he said "You know what I like about you? You don't need validation."

If that wasn't the biggest crock of shit. I am a person who needs validation like air. But I knew with him, if I wanted to keep him, because he is an amazing man, that I would have to change. So I did. I learned not to wonder why he wasn't texting me back. I learned to trust that he wasn't with someone else when he wasn't with me, because I lived out of state at the time.

Now, seven years later, we're married, have a son, and while I don't need the validation, I'm starting to feel insignificant. A lot of times, and I know he feels it too, it's like a shitty routine, where he initiates sex (which I'm trying to change that, depression is taking it's toll on me), we work alot, and the time we do have, its with our son.

I don't need money, or things. I just need to feel like I'm worth something. As of late, I feel like I'm not worth losing.

I'm just tired.

[coolthingsguyslike]

[legendary-scholar-deactivated20]

Arizona. Painted by the hands of God.

[middaymusings]

I miss the feeling of being missed. I want to come home to long hugs. I want to feel like I'm worth something. I want to feel like I'm worth losing. I want to be told how much I'm loved. I just want to be happy again.

[perfectfeelings]

“One of the hardest lessons in life is letting go. Whether it’s guilt, anger, love, loss or betrayal. Change is never easy. We fight to hold on and we fight to let go.”

— Unknown

[thehopefulquotes]

“It’s never too late to change the direction that your life is going in.”

— Wayne Dyer

[fromdarzaitoleeza]

Franz Kafka, the metamorphosis / Jane Austen

[wonders-of-natur]

[thoughtkick]

“I’m not sure which is worse: intense feeling, or the absence of it.”

— Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin

[zarabella73]

[stay-close]

“You deserve someone who answers.”

— Unknown

[middaymusings]

And we deserve someone who understands our silence.

[remanence-of-love]

[middaymusings]

If someone knows how to make this happen sooner rather than later, it would be so helpful.

[middaymusings]

Autism parent.

This shit is hard. I love my son with everything that I am, but it's so hard to parent him.

I was never trained in what it was like to have a child who is autistic. He's now semi verbal, not potty trained, so destructive. He gets into everything. No lamps on the tables. Nothing can really be plugged in. Still eats with his hands. I suppose for him, life is grand. For me, it's hard.

I never know if he's not feeling good. He will lead me to things he wants now though. But he's always into things he shouldn't be. Climbing on things. Waits until I turn my back to get into stuff. I find myself having no patience, which I need tons of now, because he's so different that my daughter.

I refuse to do what my parents did to me and whip my ass to get me to do what they wanted. He doesn't understand things, and he wouldn't understand why he's hurt, and I won't have that. I love him so much, and he's a great kid. I just wish I understood him more. He's getting there, everyday I see little changes.

I just wish I could be the one to change. That way he had a better Mom at his side. I guess I just do what I can do. I'll protect him from everything.