I had a girlfriend a while back named Jessica. Her and I spent nearly two years together. I’ve never really written about this or talked much about it with others, but she killed herself a few years ago. It has always sort of been a really difficult thing for me to quite grasp. I find myself thinking about her from time to time. Its really strange. When she pops into my mind, whether it be randomly or because a Lady Gaga song begins to play, I find myself wishing there was a way I could have talked to her one last time. Whether I was relevant in her life at the time of her final choice in this realm or not, I wish I could have had one more conversation with her. I wish there was a way I could have possibly helped her. I wish she didn’t think she was out of options. I wish, with all of my heart that she thought maybe I could have been someone she could speak to to help her release herself of numbness and feel something more than what she felt or didn’t feel that day. But she didn’t.. and I wasn’t..
I have been in situations where people I care for and love have lost people close to them or related to them, but never have I ever been struck by suicide personally until you, Jess... I wish you were still here. I wish every time I heard Lady Gaga sing, I didn’t think of how you’re no longer around.. doing who knows what.. Seeing you in that casket didn’t make any sense to me.
I don’t know.. that’s all for now.
