I watch a lot of terrible movies...
Since Halloween of 2017, I started a movie marathon of mostly terrible Z-grade movies. I started with horror, obviously, but I have crossed genres since. I try to find mostly bad films that are made between 1980 and 2000 that I have not seen before. I’m not sure why I’m doing it, only that they comfort me in a way. Also, I watch these while I draw, so I’ve seen a LOT of them.
Since starting, a few friends have bugged me to rate them and make some notes so that they can see if they’d like to burn their retinas with some of the awful awful punishment I have subjected myself to. So, here you go!
I’ve rated them with stars (*) five for “I really enjoyed it” and one for “Don’t say I didn’t warn you!” Keep in mind, the baseline is VERY low.
So without further ado...
Hell High **
Weirder than I expected, but it’s kinda gross and mean in a non-horror movie way.
Spookies **
Sort of boring. Sort of confusing. Mostly confusing.
Neon Maniacs ***
Worth seeing for the distinctly different and weird monsters, but it was kind of a let down at the end. Favorite character is the 30 yr old woman playing a 13 yr old girl.
The Supernaturals *
Boring like a TV movie.
The Willies ***
An okay watch. Geared for kids. A truly weird segment in it that is both fascinating yet boring.
Blood Beat *
Terrible/boring movie saved by the last 10 minutes. Watch that on YouTube instead.
The Slayer *
Boring. And it was all a dream anyway.
Funeral Home **
Psycho rip-off.
Christmas Evil ****
Liked it. A really weird Christmas version of Taxi Driver.
Specters **
Italian. Donald Pleasance. Boring.
PIN *****
An actually good and creepy movie.
The Creeper ***
Long boring stretches, but not terrible. Deliverance ripoff
Mirror, Mirror **
Confusing. Dumb.
Mirror, Mirror 2: Raven Dance **
Confusing. Dumb and silly.
Evilspeak ****
Clint Howard possessed by the devil through a computer at a military school.
Witchtrap ****
Should’ve been boring, but the writing is actually entertaining. The dialogue sounds like a Kevin Smith movie in a haunted house.
Slumber Party Massacre *****
Good movie. Oddly feminist. Well made.
Splatter University *
The opposite of Slumber Party Massacre.
Hack-o-lantern ****
Weird. Feels like it was made by aliens that don’t understand how people look or act.
Robowar ***
Reb Brown in a sometimes shot for shot remake of Predator only with a rubber robot suit.
Hospital Massacre *
So boring and stupid.
Frightmare **
Almost interesting British cannibal granny story
Absurd *
So boring I cant even remember it.
Intruder *****
Grocery store slasher movie starring the Raimi Bros.
Robot Ninja *
One of the worst pieces of crap I’ve ever seen. Really bizarre.
Girls Nite Out *
Kind of a creepy movie about a guy in a bear suit terrorizing college girls, but I forgot I even saw it, so that tells you everything.
Killing Spree *****
Truly gonzo and bizarre.
Karate Rock ****
Italian Karate Kid rip-off.
Mutilator ***
Run of the mill slasher. Strange/funny beginning though.
Silent Night Deadly Night 2 ****
Mostly just a clip show of 1, but worth it for the last quarter.
Angel Town **
Dumb 90s karate vs LA gangs crap.
Beserker *
Boring. Confusing. Hard to watch.
Street Trash *****
Disgusting and awful and I couldn’t stop looking at it.
Evolver ***
Dull but watchable movie about a Wall-E robot played by William H. Macey trying to kill Ethan Embry.
Prison ***
Boring Viggo Mortenson prison ghost slasher.
Video Dead **
Neat idea, boring execution.
The Lamp **
Genie slasher in a museum. Not as cool as it sounds.
Prime Evil **
Boring and dumb devil cult movie.
Bells **
Richard Chamberlain tries to stop a killer using phones to blow people’s heads off. Felt like a TV movie.
Blood Hands ***
Insane Filipino karate revenge movie. Really dumb, but the acting is fun to watch. So bad it’s funny.
Eternal Evil *
Boring movie about an astrally projected killer.
Prom Night 3: the Last Kiss ***
Silly Canadian comedy horror.
Deadly Game **
Another “feels like a TV movie” ripoff of The Most Dangerous Game.
Space Rage ***
Richard Farnsworth as a space sheriff vs. Michael Pare as a space convict.
Blood Hook *****
Loved it. Cheap looking and terrible, but loved the idea and execution.
Cheerleader camp ****
A decent B movie. Cheesy, funny, sort of clever. Lucinda Dickey from Ninja 3: The Domination.
Slaughterhouse Rock ***
Neat concept. Pretty run-of-the-mill execution. Toni Basil plays a ghost and music by Devo.
Return to Horror High ***
Interesting idea. Drags quite a bit.
Lone Wolf **
Dumb, boring Canadian werewolf movie. Looked very “TV”.
Creepazoids **
Crappy aliens ripoff.
Blood Tracks **
Weirdly-dubbed movie about a metal band filming a video in an avalanche and then are attacked by a mutant family. Again, as with most of these movies, not as cool as it sounds.
Night Shadow **
A news reporter goes to her home town and is attacked by a werewolf. Her brother does karate on it.
Hellgate ***
Horshach from Welcome Back Kotter drives through a town full of angry ghosts. Weird enough to hold my interest.
Demon Wind *****
One of the weirdest horror movies I’ve seen. Features two of the greatest supporting characters ever. You’ll know as soon as you see them.
Curtains **
Weirdly dull slasher at a director’s casting session.
The House on Sorority Row ***
Not good, but liked it okay. Slasher at a sorority party.
Incubus *
Gross movie about demon rape.
Mankillers *
Stupid. Boring. All-girl prisoner team of soldiers try to kill a drug lord. Mostly they just jog.
Invasion Force *
Almost the same as Mankillers, except foreign and confusing.
Q The Winged Serpent ***
Dumb claymation dinosaur threatens New York and David Carradine. Saved by Michael Moriarty’s “Nic Cage”-like performance.
Blood Link *
Michael Moriarty again as twins, but it’s way too rapey.
Wild Beasts **
Italian movie set in Germany about crazed zoo animals. Actual creepy ending.
Night of the Demons ***
Dumb demon slasher only known because of a weird Linnea Quigley boob scene.
Murder Rock **
Lucio Fulci slasher movie about a jealous dance audition.
Bad Taste *****
That Peter Jackson guy may go places.
Snowbeast *
Bo Svenson fights a Wampa at a ski resort. Dull.
Psycho Cop *
Boring slasher and the cop laughs a lot. Like really. A lot.
Tales of an Ancient Realm *
The sequel to The Sword and The Sorcerer. One of the worst movies I have ever seen. I’d say watch to see how bad that actually may be, but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Necropolis **
80s demon lady tries to kill a virgin. She dances a lot and has 6 boobs.
Raw Force *****
Insane action/horror movie about a karate club that takes a cruise to a haunted island. Watch it.
Thunder *
Shitty Italian Rambo knock-off about Native Americans. The lead is Italian though.
THunder 2 *
Even shittier Italian Rambo knock-off about Native Americans.
Mr. No Legs ***
Legless mob enforcer crime story. The ver definition of exploitation movie.
Ghetto Blaster ***
Richard Hatch cleans out the gangs of LA by playing pranks on them. Kind of dull.
Bloody New Year *
Dull and weird British movie. Like a giallo Dr. Who episode.
Master Blaster **
Slasher at a paintball competition. Not as cool as it sounds.
Scorpion Thunderbolt *
Incomprehensible Chinese horror movie spliced with a Richard Harrison action film. Actually steals the theme music to Star Wars and Raiders of the Lost Ark.
Unmasking The Idol *****
Loved this crappy action movie about a ninja and his baboon butler.
The Devil’s Express AKA Gang War *
Had high hopes for this “Black Belt Jones vs. a demon in the subway” concept, but is boring as hell.
The Time Guardian ***
Watchable sci-fi starring Carrie Fisher. It’s really dumb though and most of the movie is about stealing tractors.
Forbidden World *
TERRIBLE Alien ripoff.
One Dark Night **
Meg Tilly in what started out as an interesting horror movie about a mentalist coming back from the dead but just became a boring haunted house movie.
Humanoids from the Deep **
Doug McClure vs… humanoids from the deep. Sort of like Jaws, except if Jaws came on shore and raped humans
Rocktober Blood *
A dead metal singer comes back to harass the girl that replaced him in the band. Sounds cool, but it’s not.
Dark Breed *
90’s horror movie about astronauts possessed by aliens. Starring Mike from Breaking Bad.
The Final Terror ***
All star cast in a not so terrible Deliverance ripoff. By all-star, I mean Adrian Zmed and Darryl Hannah.
Night Train to Terror ****
Pretty weird anthology about the Devil betting souls against god. Features the most 80’s intro you will ever witness.
The Crawlers ***
Nuclear waste makes trees kill people. Also known as TROLL 3 or Contamination .7.
The Dungeonmaster AKA Ragewar ***
I don’t know if I actually liked it, but it’s something to behold. A computer nerd uses AI to fight demon Richard Moll through a series of contests. X-Calibr8!
Cobra Force *
African movie about… hell I don’t even remember. They sure do walk through the savanna a lot, though.
Bloody Birthday ****
Pretty funny horror about 3 dickhead kids that love killing adults on their birthday.
Night Trap ***
Not as cool as the video game. Robert Davi vs. Michael Ironside as a possessed asshole. Features an awesome car stunt scene.
Terror in Beverly Hills ***
Kind of a funny action movie, but mostly boring. Cameron Mitchell as a cranky police captain.
Real Bullets *
I thought this movie about a group of stuntmen vs. a drug cartel would be fun, but it wasn’t. It was boring.
Shootfighter 2 **
Boring 90’s karate tournament movie. Billy Zabka sex scene - nuff said.
Scared to Death *
A writer who used to be a detective fights a fishman in the sewer. Boring.
Lost Platoon *
David Prior directs his brother again in a boring movie about a group of vampire soldiers vs. Nicaraguan rebels. BORING.
Inglorious Bastards 2 *
EXTREMELY boring Vietnam action movie starring Miles O’Keefe doing a crappy Clint Eastwood impression.
Terror Night aka Bloody Movie **
A 40s movie actor kills a bunch of teenagers who sneak into his house just because. Cameron Mitchell shows up at the end and is almost instantly killed.
Action USA *****
Amazingly bad, but lives up to it’s name. Lethal Weapon style buddy action. recommended.
Monolith ****
Fun and stupid Bill Paxton Lethal Weapon vs. The X-Files.
Ghost Dance *
Pretty unwatchable Native American slasher movie. Unwatchable in that it is so dark it is hard to see.
Panic *
Doctor turns himself into a blood drinking monster via virus. It’s Italian and its BORING.
Curse of The Wolf **
Incompetently made shot-on-video werewolf/karate/action movie by Len Kabasinski. Stars The Genius: Leaping Lanny Poffo. Still charming, but very very bad.
Twister’s Revenge *
Imagine if KITT from Knight Rider was a monster truck driven by a redneck. Now imagine that NOT being cool.
Killing American Style **
More in the style of Hollywood Cop and Samurai Cop. Mostly boring and a gross rape scene. Pass.
Young Rebels **
Same writer/director of Killing American Style. Almost exactly the same. Less rape.
Mission of Justice **
Lame 90s karate movie. Cop vs. Brigitte Nielson.
Fraternity Demon **
Silly sex demon invades a frat party. Very Troma-esque.
Evil Clutch *
Bizarre, boring, dumb. Italian movie about two people on vacation attacked by zombies and a vampire(?)ghost with a claw in her vagina.
The Dangerous *
Two ninja siblings take revenge on drug dealers in New Orleans. For some reason Robert Davi and Michael Pare are there. Bleah.
Dead End City *
Mac’s dad returns to protect his factory from Robert Z’dar and his gang of rats. They’re a gang and they’re called The Rats. Just kinda generic.
Ninja: Prophecy of Death ***
More Len Kabasinski goodness. I honestly have no idea why I liked it, other than respect for DIY. Confusing ninja crime action.
Beyond the Seventh Door ***1/2
Pretty decent movie about the dumbest thief in the world trying to get out of an escape room. Starring the strangest man I have ever seen, Lazar Rockwood.
Demon Dolls **
Shot on video weirdest. It’s charming in it’s incompetence, but still an awful watch. If the director isn’t a Juggalo, he’s at least Juggalo adjacent.
Karate Cop ** Not a terrible movie, but the lead is such a vacuum of personality that the movie is just boring by association.
Kill Them and Eat Them **
I am charmed by these crappy “shot-on-video” sorry of movies, but this was still a slog. I hope the director got an A in his class, though.
Coldfire **
Wings Hauser directed and starred. The most 90s thing I’ve seen in a while.
Blood City *
Neat “WestWorld”-like concept. The most boring execution of that concept known to man.
Graduation Day ***
Pretty standard slasher movie with the red herring twist. Not bad, but not great either.
Suburban Sasquatch **
Another awful shot on video beauty. Only this one has Native American stereotypes and crappy digital eagles. Better than Kill them and Eat them.
The Club ***
Pretty entertaining. A little confusing. The bad guy is doing a terrible impression of Christian Slater doing an impression of Jack Nicholson.
A Dangerous Place ***
Entertaining Karate Kid ripoff starring Cory Feldman and Martin Kove Light.
Blood Money ** Stupid cop movie. I mean that Wings Hauser plays a stupid cop.
Picasso Trigger ****
Andy Sidaris movies are like sexist G.I.Joe movies. But the women always come out on top. That is both is and isn’t an entendre.
Savage Beach ***
Not nearly as good as Picasso Trigger, but I’m sort of fascinated by this Sidaris expanded universe.
Decampitated ***
This would be hard to watch I think normally, but something about this Troma style slasher movie won me over. Too many dumb transvestite jokes.
Killing Machine *
Spanish movie billed as a Lee Van Cleef film that’s actually more about Willie Aames. Trucker terrorists.
Splitz **
Weird. Cheap. confusing. Sleazy Animal House rip-off. Pretty sure they didn’t pay for the music they use in it. Felt like I had a fever watching this.
Return to Savage Beach ***
The original amped up to 12. This is declining years Sidaris.
Do or Die ***
Same Sidaris weirdness. Plus Erik Estrada and a Pat Morita sex scene.
Killpoint**
Leo Fong and Cameron Mitchell in a sufficiently weird rogue cop movie. But it drags.
Swamp Zombies***
More Len Kabasinski badness. I think this may be his first one, so it’s especially lacking.
Microwave Massacre*****
This movie is awesome and awful. There is nothing good about it, but it was fascinating. Jackie Vernon Borscht belt jokes and offensive to everybody.
Alienator ***
Okay watch. It’s not super boring and it’s got enough “what the F??” moments. Robot lady bounty hunter chases down a space criminal.
Old Man *
A shot on video attempt to make a haunted house thriller. I called the ending exactly from the first 10 minutes.
The Inheritor *
Woman inherits a house from her dead sister. Turns out an ancient beast lives in the basement. She has sex with it.
Quietfire *
Really poorly made action movie about a vietnam vet turned gym owner who is marked for death by his old unit commander. He becomes a ninja in the last 15 minutes for some reason.
Fateful Findings *****
Anybody that thinks Tommy Wisseau’s The Room is the worst movie ever made has never seen anything like real estate agent turned filmmaker, Neil Breen. This stuff is like a video taped confession by a psychopath with delusions of grandeur.
Hard Hunted ***
Another in the Andy Sidaris cinematic universe. I love these movies, but this one was pretty average.
Fatal Skies ***
Bizarre action movie about skydivers. Timothy Leary plays a drug dealer.
Dance or Die **
Do not watch this movie.
The Amazing Bulk *****
I was not prepared to watch this movie. I knew it would be bad. I saw a review on RLM for it and knew it was bad. I had no idea how batshit insane it is.
Bloodlock **
In the style of Len Kabasinski. But that’s sort of an insult to Len. Vampire lives in a couple’s basement behind a secret door.
Escape from Galaxy 3 **
I thought this was an Italian ripoff of Star Wars. It’s not. It’s an Italian ripoff of STARCRASH. Worth watching for the “Night King” alone.
Dragon Fury*
To save his present, a warrior must go into the past to save it. Sound familiar? It sucks.
Alien Private Eye ***
He’s got pointy ears, knows karate, and dances. His movie still sucks.
Hypersapien: People from from another star **
I remember watching kids movies like this when I was a kid. Pretty unremarkable except for Kirbi, the alien. He is truly disturbing.
Galaxina **
Hard to understand. Shot like a serious Star Wars ripoff, but supposed to be funny? It’s like if Ice Pirates had a budget of 8 dollars.
The Basement*
Shot on video 80s horror anthology movie. The dialogue is completely adr after the movie was finished by another company so it feels…foreign?
The Sweeper ***
ALMOST decent mid 90’s action movie starring the most 90s version of C Thomas Howell imagined.
