pas de deux

mikhail . 23 . dancer Я вас любил: любовь еще, быть может

[yourlookbookmen]

[hotdudesloverextrem]

[starrywrite]

i tell you “come home” even though you are hundreds of miles away in the place you call home, and i am in the four walls that make up mine. but i’ve come to realize that home is not a place; it’s not a city, or a state, or a house. it’s a feeling. it’s you.  when we are together, i am home.

“home” (cc, 2015)

@wrendaily

[absentions]

I hope that if alternate universes exist, it will still be you and me in the end. I hope that there will always be an us. In every world, in every story.

Tina Tran, Let us always find each other (via tropeswriting)

@simplyvcnus

[mcavoy]

Perfect Sense dir. David Mackenzie 

[mikhailstep]

@simplyvcnus

[wordsnquotes]

I know where you are with my eyes closed, we are bound to each other, we are bound to each other with huge invisible threads …

Sharon Olds, Stag’s Leap: Poems  (via wordsnquotes)

[mikhailstep]

how much do you miss wren?

As much as it’s possible to miss someone without exploding.

I try not to think of it. I try to imagine her happy, and it makes me happy.

...I hope she is happy.

@wrendaily

[mikhailstep]

i love you - not your girlfriend

If you’re not my girlfriend, I am not interest.

If you are - I know you are - I love you too.

@simplyvcnus

[mikhailstep]

hi mik,

  i know it’s probably weird for me to be sending you something for the holiday, but, i figured why the hell not, right? i’m sending you this as an apology, i guess. for not trying harder for us, but sometimes i just put my thoughts that some things come to an end and that’s for the best. i’m sending you this cartier love bracelet just as a reminder that you’ll always have a special place in my heart. even if you don’t ever wear it, i hope you still enjoy it. merry christmas.

beckley  

[mikhailstep]

( there are so many presents at your doorstep, along with a note in venus’s handwriting for each present, she dot’s her i’s with hearts, and at the very top is a neatly folded envelope, that reads, to mik, open this one last. )

hey love!

actually i don’t know if i should be calling you that, because you’re so much more than my love. you’re such an amazing person, and if it weren’t for you i don’t know how i’d be able to live. you make me feel complete, like for once something that was missing is finally coming home. you mik, you’re my home. i hope you enjoy your presents, and i can’t wait to spend the holidays curled in your arms, surrounded by the scent of your cologne, as you remind me home is so much closer than i think.

x, this first gift is really special to me. it’s the bear i’ve had since i was a little girl, i named her vera, after my mother, since she’s the one who gave it to me. i was so upset about not having a valentine, thought this meant somehow this made me lesser, and then my mom came home with vera. i’ve loved vera more than i’ve loved anything, until you came along. you showed me what it was like to love, and be loved back. i don’t care how long we’ve been dating, i can say with dull confidence that i love you more than i’ve ever loved anyone. and that’s actually terrifying, to know i can love one person so much. so that’s why i’m giving her to you, a reminder of me for you whenever you need it, and a reminder that the only thing i’ve loved more than you at this point is a stuffed bear.

x, here’s a plane ticket to paris. you can choose when, but i thought you might want it to visit wren, i know how close you two were, and i know how much you’re going to miss her.

x, surprise! two plane tickets this time, and they’re to italy. i don’t know if you’ve been before, but i’d like a chance to show you were i came from, where home was before i met you. we can go whenever you want, just say the words, and i’m there. i’ll always be there.

x, i’ve never really seen you wear jewelry, but i saw this watch, and i had to give it to you. it’s by fendi, it’s custom made just for you, it came all the way here from switzerland just for you. 

x, here’s a necklace. i don’t if you’ll wear it or not, but it’s essentially ‘the key’ to my heart. i felt very cheesy buying this from the store, i think you’re starting to rub off on me, but if you want to know the truth, i don’t really mind. you’re cheesiness is what constantly bring smiles to my face.

( all the gifts have been open except one, what could possibly be inside? there’s another note )

surprise again my love! i don’t know what you were expecting but i really do hope you like your presents. i’ve never really been a fan of christmas, since when i was younger, i never had anyone to spend it with, but now i have you. and i can’t wait for our cheesy little forever. i’ve lived with stas for a while now, and after some thinking it over, i’ve decided it’s time that i get a place of my own. here’s the actual key, but it’s not to my heart, it’s to my new place. our new place whenever you’re ready for it to be. i love you mik, more than i’ve ever thought it was possible to love someone. thank you for seeing the worth in me, for making me see the worth in myself. ti amo da qui alla luna e ritorno. ( i love you from here to the moon and back ). merry christmas my love! i can’t wait to spend tons of holidays with you afterwards. i’m looking forward to epiphany!

xx, your girlfriend,

venus.

[mikhailstep]

merry christmas, dude!

hope this doesn’t freak out your dog.

gledelig jul!

- elvie 👻

[mikhailstep]

The doctors had finally asked Mikhail to leave the hospital. He’d been there, in her room or just outside of it, for the entirety of her stay. He didn’t care about Christmas, or about sleeping or eating or anything else in the world, he just wanted Venus to get better. And he wanted to be there when she woke up. In case she was scared... and because he was scared.

But they’d insisted he was driving himself insane, and maybe they were right. His understudy had taken his place in the last Nutcracker performance, and it hurt his heart to know someone else was already dancing with Wren. He was so torn, and so broken and so tired.

But instead of going home to sleep or eat, he went straight to a bar and ordered whatever was strongest. Three times in a row.

“Merry Christmas...” he muttered to whoever was beside him.

[mikhailstep]

wrendaily‌:

Wren: I checked into my flight

Wren: it’s happening

Mikhail: I am already missing you. That’s what.

Mikhail: You will be wonderful, little bird. I am proud.

[thequotejournals]

I want to talk about what happened without mentioning how much it hurt. There has to be a way. To care for the wounds without reopening them. To name the pain without inviting it back into me.

Lora Mathis, If There’s A Way Out I’ll Take It (via thequotejournals)

[brittany-murphy]

Beginners (2010) dir. Mike Mills

[mental-ch-illness]

shoutout to my favorite coping mechanism, isolation

[mikhailstep]

simplyvcnus‌:

it had been more than a few hours, or had it? the raven-haired girl was in far off places, her body was there, but her mind she wasn’t. she’s been laying connected to a cardiac monitor a breathing tube and a few other devices that are barely managing to keep her alive. she needed to stay alive. venus had been pronounced dead at the scene for roughly about fifteen minutes. she wasn’t awake, at least she didn’t think she was, but she could still hear. she heard people crying, and passerby’s turning their heads at the sight of her body, and several emts surrounding her, trying their best to keep her alive, to bring her back, and yet never succeeding. ( we’re losing her again! ) was all she kept hearing. please, she thought, please, i have so many people i need to live for.

( everyone please stand back! it looks like we got something! ) she heard a paramedic yell, a ghost of a smile curls onto her face. ( finally! it’s a pulse! she’s back! she’s back! ) and with these few simple words the emts to rush her into the hospital.

( venus lays there in the hospital bed, she’s lost in her thoughts, and yet for once she felt at peace. someone, she isn’t sure who, enters her room, she can hear whatever they’re trying to say, she’s there, but she can’t move — not yet, her mind is ready, but she isn’t. please, she thought, give me a reason to come back, i need to come back. )

It was three years ago this month. He wanted his family to come to see him in his first performance of The Nutcracker in New York. He bought the tickets with what little money he had at the time, even one for his little brother Filip. It turned out Filip couldn’t come - boarding school rules - but Mik was fine, he just wanted his parents to be proud of him, and to meet Wren. He’d been so excited.

But their plane never made it to New York. He pictures it in his nightmares, somewhere deep in the Atlantic ocean. He’s forever grateful to the boarding school that kept his brother home safe, although his brother hasn’t talked to him since. Filip blames Mikhail for their parents’ deaths, and Mikhail has never argued it. He blames himself too. All they have left of their parents now is a few trinkets and belongings, and a few million dollars each.

He’d thought he was getting over it now. This year, he finally felt like things were going to be okay. That maybe he wouldn’t wake up every day and reach to call them and then remember all over again. That maybe December wouldn’t be so hard this time. But this year had taken his only chance at a real family member, and this December was taking Wren from him the closest thing to family he had, and now he’d gotten news from Chance that Venus... his Venera... was hanging on for dear life at the hospital.

Swallowing hard, he walked into her room, and the nurses could tell by his expression to leave the two alone. She would almost look like she was sleeping if it wasn’t for the tubes and machines keeping her alive. His heart was absolutely unmendably broken as he sat next to her and took her small unmoving hand in both of his.

“Oh, Venera...” he said, whispering in Russian so only she could understand if anyone were to be listening. “You’re resting. Your body is healing itself. You are incredible in every possible way, and I know you’ll get through this. I also know... that I should be okay with your body taking its time. Making sure you’re fixed correctly before you come back to me. But I’m selfish, Venera. I can’t do this without you, I can’t do... anything.”

His voice cracked. He was strong, he’d always been strong. He was just as known for being cool in a crisis as he was for his broken English and funny accent. But this... he decided there was no point in holding back his tears now. “I only just got you, Venera. I’ve never felt like this, I’ve never loved anyone so much. You have my heart, you are my heart, I...” he smiled a bit, knowing she’d call him cheesy if she were awake. “I love you. Please come back to me.”