MilayaHime

Original poems By Jess M Kincaid... I am just trying to get this shit out before it kills me. 🩶🔪🩶

[milayahime]

It's like a drug

I mean what a rush

From the racing of your thoughts

To your face gone flush

And it won't matter if it's good or bad

Because you'll assume

Hey, it's love

And love is good in all we consume

Even when it's rough

Even when it's dirty

It can still be kind

It can still be flirty

What a rush it is to scream

Till your heart breaks

What a joy it is

To find out how much love takes

Oh wait

Wrong station

I'm sorry

No need for the agitation

Here we are

That line again

Shall we walk it

Or snort it my friend?

[milayahime]

A soul contract

A soul tie

Invisible connections

Words one should live by

She is the sun

I am the moon

She was born at midnight

I was born at noon

I am broken

And so is she

I love her

She does me

We are bound

We are connected

Forged in flame

Yet somehow dejected

Joy and sadness

Then and now

Love isn't giving up

We'll hold on some how

[milayahime]

It's too loud

But there's no sound

I'm overwhelmed

But there's no one around

I'm getting angry again

All I want to do it cry

There's all this pain again

I'm fighting this want to die

My mind is mayhem

My brain is over run

My heart won't stop racing

What's there to be done

So I grab the ice pack

I start to count to three

I don't want to be here

But I'm not doing this for me

[milayahime]

I remember phone numbers

That were never mine

I think of people on their birthdays

Even though we haven't talked in a long long time

Days come that are heavy

And I can never place why

A certain scent finds me

And suddenly I want to cry

What is a person

Besides memories

Who am I

Besides all these stories

[milayahime]

Nothing really matters

It all matters too much

Please just touch me

Don't you dare touch

I can't stop laughing

Fuck, it's turned into a cry

Yeah I'm fine

No, I don't want to die

I'm just on this ride you see

This rollercoaster that never ends

There are ups and downs

And places where it slows as it bends

And then there's these points

Even on lookers hate to see

Where the cart jumps the track

And it's just the air and me

I want to say it doesn't last long

But time is relative

I wish I could get off

But I'll settle for a sedative

[milayahime]

Slurred speech

Sight blurry

Functions lost

In a hurry

Oh no

Not again

I thought they'd stop once

But I've learned since then

Lay down

It will pass

Close your eyes

Pretend you're lying in grass

So much trauma

Suppressed so deep

Memories locked so tight

Like they are not mine to keep

Process, process, process.

One day at a time

Will this last forever?

Is this punishment for some crime?

Cursed by blood

Bound by family

Finding the will to live

Is a fight constantly

For my mind and body

Fight this war deep inside

Dealing with trauma

My brain worked so hard to hide

I want to function

I want to thrive

I'm just so tired

So tired of being alive

[milayahime]

I learned early on

that certain people aren't meant to last

They come into your life

And leave just as fast

They teach you lessons

Show you things you don't understand

Family or friend, lover or foe

In the end things never go as planned

Relationships fade

It doesn't matter what kind

Always and forever

This isn't what we had in mind

I'm starting to see

I'm just a lesson too

After all

That's what I am to you

[milayahime]

I miss you

There I said it...

Or do I just miss how you made me feel

And now I regret it...

I feel so selfish

I hate my heart

I let you go with purpose

And now I have to restart

They say let them go

And if they come back it's true

But that's not this

I can't love you

I hear the cracks

And feel the ache

My peace of mind

Was not yours to take

But I suppose it's fair

I did it first

And it's not your fault

I felt like I was dying of thirst

I should cut the line

Make you disappear

But each time I try

I pull back in fear

I did it once

I'll have to do it again

But for now you're in limbo

And I'm right back where it began

[milayahime]

I think I'm addicted to sadness

To the pain that fills my chest

I didn't think I know how to be happy

I don't think I know how to rest

Things get easy

Things get rough

Calming moments

Just aren't good enough

I want the passion

I want the ache

Pain is my muse

And I know how much I can take

Don't I?

A pause, a studder

That voice is back

The one that whispers

all you lack

My art

I scream

My heart

It bleeds

Ahhh, there you are

I've missed you so

Depression is in the kitchen

And inspiration is in the study just so you know

[milayahime]

Hello there

We meet again

This flow of words

My oldest friend

You come and go

But never leave

For when I ache

These words do bleed

From my eyes

fall these tears

But with you

the words come to express these fears

The loss so deep

The feelings so raw

But with each word I write

I stop my fall

You save me

again and again

Easing my pain

Being my friend

I know you're me

But it's different somehow

You make my words kind

When I thought I didn't know how

So I write it out

Express things in kind

I write it out

So I didn't lose my mind

[milayahime]

I used to think she followed me

But now I follow her

My eyes instinctively look up to find the glow

To find the consistency of her presence

On the night's of the new moon

I miss the sight

But I know she's still there

And somehow that's enough

It's funny how she eases my mind

Like just being under her

makes all my worries seem small

I wonder if the goddess

Knows the effect she has

on such a small being as me

I doubt it

But still I look up

Gaze at her glow

And smile to myself

Because she'll remain constant long after I'm gone

[milayahime]

I look for her every evening

I search for her when I wake

For the moon that shines down on me

For that light that does not take

Whether she be full

or just a sliver

Her beauty

Always delivers

To gaze at her brings me peace

For she is a part of me no one sees

Like the water of the ocean

I move with her like the tide

With her my shifting mood

I never have to hide

She smiles down on me

Like the goddess above

With her it's endless

A selfless kind of love

Nothing asked

Nothing gained

Just the light of the Moon

Easing my pain

[milayahime]

To love and be loved

Are two very different things

I can say I love you

Tell you how my heart sings

You can say you love me

But forget to make it feel real

You can say you love me

Like it's no big deal

But that's the difference

When it comes to our hearts

It may be the same feeling

But it comes from different parts

I speak from my soul

You speak from your chest

It's not a contest

But who really loves best...

Is it I who acts from her bones

Or you

Who cares for what he owns

I fear I've done it again

Given a piece of me I'll never get back

I'll have to let you go

And somehow it'll be all about what I lack

I scream for you to love me

But I should not have to plead

For you I would have given it all

For you I would bleed

But, c'est la vie

What will be will be

And if this is the end

Maybe next time I'll fall in love with me

[milayahime]

I skirt the edge

Dangle my feet over the side

I look out at the abyss

And wonder what it hides

The darkness

It looks all consuming

The silence

It feels so welcoming

I close my eyes

And think of what it would be like in there

Is it truly nothing

Or would it be like a breath of fresh air

I look behind

The lights so dim

The will is there

But it's hard to begin

To walk to that light

The one that's so far

But to just step off

To give in to that want to mar...

I look back

And let out a sigh

I want to live

But I long to die

So I walk the edge

One foot in front of the other

I may not want to live

But I'll find the will from another

My sisters who don't deseve

That loss so deep

For my mother

who's blame she would keep

Up or down

Left or right

I don't have the strength

To walk towards the light

So I skirt the edge

And take a break now and then

But then I get up

And do it all again

[milayahime]

Like a dandelion

I grow in the most unlikely places

Like the weed's seed

I've traveled only by others graces

I have no purpose

But some find me lovely

While overs

Want to destroy me

Yet I continue on

Plant my roots in unlikely ground

I may be a weed

But beauty is always found

From the yellow of my petals

To the white of my seed

I'm plucked again and again

But I'm always what others need

Whether it be a crown

Or a wish to be blown

I may be a weed

But I've lived to be known

So hold me tight

For each new growth is short lived

I may only be a weed

But I live for what I can give

[milayahime]

Sleep claws at me

But it never holds

It drags me down

But it always folds

We used to be lovers

But now it only teases

I close my eyes

But it never pleases

There is no rest

within it's embrace

It laughs as it give me nightmares

I don't want to face

I long for tenderness

Within it's arms

But it only leaves unseeable marks

Only I get to feel it's harm

Maybe that's why I hate to sleep

Why I would rather be awake

But there it is again clawing

Here it is again to take

My eyes drift shut

The images begin to play

My brain screams for me to stay up

But it's embrace forces me to stay

[milayahime]

I think it's funny how

I still find songs that make me think of you

I think it's ironic now

How you take up this space in mind the way you do

I let you go

So very long ago

Yet here I am still

trying to heal

From that piece of my heart

You did steal

I've tried to fill that space

But every time I do I just see your face

So I close my eyes and turn away

but then a song starts to play

Do you think of me?

Does a piece of you still bleed?

Or is it just me,

myself and I?

Listing to a song

and wanting to cry?

I guess I'll never know

But that's okay

Because for you

I'll let the song play