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Anyway, one of the friends came over last night and mentioned how the other friend has a lake house and wants to invite everyone over to get drunk and go crazy for a weekend. And actually its more of a lake mansion than lake house.

My eye is twitching with how much I want to be invited to this. I want to be part of the "everybody" but I literally do not know these people

AAUGHHHH but I really wanna go i really wanna go that would be so fun and cool

Last week my roommate's friends that I went out with that one time, they called her and asked to come over and drink and hang at our place. I realllly wanted to drink and hang out, but it wasnt the best time cause our other roommate was going through smth so she told them maybe not tonight.

Her friends called her back and asked if she wanted to come to someone's house and hang, so she went. I kinda really wanted to go, i was hoping she would ask if i wanted to come lol. But it fully makes 100% sense why I wouldnt be invited, these are *her* friends, I dont know these people, ive only met them once. But they were all really fun and cool and i had alot of fun with them last time, I was still kinda disappointed that I didnt get to hangout though lol

After she got the first call, I agreed that tonight wasnt the best time to have ppl over, but maybe i should have acted more enthusiastic about the prospect of hanging out so she would invite me.

I mean I think if I had simply asked "can I come", I dont think she would have said no??? But maybe it would have been weird? I hate inviting myself to stuff. Isn't that something youre not supposed to do?

Not as low mood or low energy this week tho. I had alot of calls pile up last week, and it was causing me anxiety and stress going into work. I got them under controll now and im not so stressed about work this week.

Also not so low energy, mood is better because of the less anxiety I think. I havent been super hungry though, which is really strange for me. Food noise is slightly reduced out of no where

Ok but unrelated to the last post situation- I was feeling really low energy, low mood last week. I was binging a little, and didnt want tk go outside or exercise or shower.

Idk what that was, I think im good now

Ok so 2 ish weeks ago on Saturday I went out to the club with my roommate and some of her friends. My first time going to a club. We pregamed hard, and then for some reason I got 2 more drinks there. I drank too much and when we all got home i threw up everywhere in front of everyone and I dont even remember any of it lmao. And my puke was gross and black for some reason.

I woke up sat upright on the couch, kitchen trash can in front of me, no pants on (I initially wore a romper and had jeans over it to make it a shirt, so i was still covered with the romper shorts), no idea where my phone or wallet was, no idea what had even happened. I had a vague memory of throwing up but not the full story.

Apparently after we got back, they ordered Wendy's and hung out for a bit, then I started puking gross black puke everywhere. And I was throwing up like, alot, to the point that one of them said if I hadn't stopped soon they were gonna take me to the ER. But they were trying to get me to change out of my pukey clothes and into some pjs, but discovered i was wearing a romper and they, also drunk, couldnt deal with all of that.

They tried to put me to bed, but I was throwing up too much to lay down, so they got the chair back pillow and sat me up on my bed, but I wasnt sitting up enough so they gave up and brought me back downstairs to sit on the couch, and thats how i woke up.

Initially I wasnt embarrassed at all when i learned about what happened the day after. I of course apologized to those who had to drunkenly deal with me throwing up everywhere, but i was kinda like "hell yeah i was lit asf", but as time goes on in find myself thinking about it more and more and getting more embarrassed. I literally threw up on myself in front of everyone and needed people to help me go change like wtf eeww

But at the same time im kinda glad I experienced it. I really wanted to experience heavy drinking in my fleeting youth. My hangover was bad but not as bad as I thought. I was just really nauseous and couldnt keep any food or water down for about a day, but no headache or anything. I kinda wanted the type of hangover you see on tv with the headache and then they eat a big breakfast sandwich or something and theyre mostly ok.

I need to stop thinking about this, but I think theres a stain in the rug where I puked. I think, i really dont know cause i dont remember. and I keep looking at it. I should buy a new rug. Or at least turn the rug so the stain is under the couch. What are we gonna do when my roommates and move all the furniture to do a workout or something and the stain is in plain view. Thats so gross and its gonna be so awkward.

At least I know my limits now. Would have been better to learn at like 19, rather than 24. But better 24 than 30.

kosmogrl

#so true

Im stressing about something but i don't know what, like im having anxiety but for no reason :/ So im just gonna go to bed and deal with it tomorrow lol

Also need to update from the events of last weekend

Ive been feeling off the past few days. Low mood, low energy, low appetite, im bored but at the same time I dont wanna do anything. I wanna work out but i dont feel like it. I want to be outside and just sit for a while. I think im dissociating

Probably my period next week

And despite all of that. For no reason at all, I realllllly want to right now. I need it like a smoker needs a cigarette. None of the replacement things work, not the rubber band, not the red pen.

Its a release, like screaming. It's relaxing and calming, almost meditative. I like the color of my blood and i like touching it.

I sound like a fucking freak oh my god

Ive been feeling increasingly worse and worse about the scars I made on my thighs. I think because its summer now. The first summer with them. So now Im trying to wear all my regular summer shorts, and too often they reveal the scars.

Its been making me sick that I ruined my legs. When i think about it, it puts a pit in my stomach that it's permanent and I can never go back. It almost feels unreal. I'll always have to see that i ruined my legs and ill never get my old skin back.

Shorts, dresses, bikinis, i'll always have to deal with the scars

I bought an $80 palette of alcohol soluble skin paints, after researching a bunch on the best ways to cover tattoos. Ive tried it twice now, and the most recent attempt is much better, but not perfect. Its definitely visible, I cant get a perfect match to skin, and it has kind of a powdery looking finish. Both times it took me 40 minutes to an hour of mixing colors and applying the paint over my scars, just for them to still be mostly visible.

I guess this is my life now

My broken and infected tooth in the back of my mouth just started hurting really bad today even though its been like this for a year, and i can feel where the infection is eating through my jaw and my head feels funny im scared I'm gonna get toxic shock and die in my sleep but I dont wanna go to an emergency dentist cause it'll probably be like $700 or smth stupid 😑

I had the best weekend

On Friday my roommate and I checked out this show at a local bar and it was actually so fucking cool and fun and sick. I got in a mosh pit for the first time and it was surprisingly fun to be pushed and knocked around. Its like human bumper cars. The one I joined in was tamer though, the later ones were too rough for me so I stood on the side, but even from the side I still got slammed into the wall and now have a nasty bruise on my arm. Its my badge of honor and im showing it to everyone lol. I really wanna go back.

Then on Saturday Xi and I went to see The Drama with zendaya. Before that we went to the beauty supply store and I got a few things. I got an eyelash curler finally, some wig glue, some cute star hair clips, black stockings, and acne patches. Then we went and got ramen. I got garlic tonkatsu. It was so fucking good Lois. I got some jasmine tea that smelled like a bouquet of flowers. And we split a shrimp tempura roll ooomfg so good

Then today my roommate, his friend, and I went on a hike. It was beautiful out, it was a really nice hike. I need to get out into nature more and that was just what I needed. Then i came home, ate, took a nap, cleaned my room, and then we watched some attack on titan. My legs are tired but it feels even better going to bed now.

I dont think ive ever had this much fun in my life. This is a life that previously only existed in my imagination

No no its ok I can romanticize this

IM GONNA MISS MY STREAMERS

Oh my GOD ohhh my fucking god they just told us at work that after we're done with training, our actual work hours are gonna be 11:30 - 8 O'CLOCK AT NIGHT. For at least 60 days, then we can ask to put our name on the list to get earlier hours and that list can take 3-6 months or more.

Im going to miss the entire fucking day. Everything starts before 8pm. And so many aren't even open until like 11. OHHHH MY GOD. my life is OVER

Everything i was talking about my prev posts, this whole life i was imagining for myself of working, and then having the rest of the afternoon and evening to hang with my friends and roommates.. its destroyed.

I cant do anything anymore. Or at least it will become much more difficult.

Ive been wanting to start climbing for years and suddenly, experienced climbing buddies just fall into my lap. And now I can't do that anymore cause the gym is open 1-9 and I work 11:30-8.

Our calisthenics night we do around 7 pm. Maybe they'd be okay pushing that back to 8? Thats kinda late though.

The skate park that does free beginners nights, but they close at 8. Im gonna miss that completely.

Even the bigger climbing gym closer to my job, they're open until 10, and it'll take abt 30 to get there after work, so that only gives me an hour and a half IF I want to be the person staying to the very end all the time. For that one i guess i could go in the mornings at least. But who wants to go get all hyped up and sweaty and tire themselves out before work? Plus the acro classes at this gym, which was honestly a HUGE reason why I was even considering the $90/mo membership, are at 4:45 pm. I'd miss them completely.

This place where local bands play, they usually start at 6 or 8. At least I wouldnt miss those completely but id be late :/

My friends' parties start at like 6 usually.

Im going to miss parties and dinners and movies and going out with friends. Last week a friend and I went out and got ice cream at like 5pm. Cant do that now.

I was so upset I was crying all morning. ON CAMERA. I had to turn the camera off briefly to ugly sob a bit and then went back when i thought i could just cry inconspicuously lmaooo

This really feels like. I dont know. A hard stop to the life i was just enjoying. An end to the great relationships i was building with my roommates. We'll be ships passing in the night.

It feels like an end to the progress I was making in rock climbing. Even after just a couple visits, I feel like was actually improving.

Closing my laptop at the end of the day and finally getting out into the sun, taking a walk, kicking a ball around with friends, getting ice cream. Or if i go into the office: leaving work, waking around the city, getting a coffee, maybe going to the library.

My entire life is gone. Who's doing any of that at 8, 9, 10 pm? Or I could just wake up early to compensate, but whos doing any of that with me, playing volleyball, getting ice cream at 5, 6, 7 in the morning? No one would do that nor would I ask them to because that FUCKING BLOWS ASS.

Wow i think im having a good time now im glad I didn't kill myself 4 months ago lol

Hello

Ive been meaning to update for a while but I keep forgetting or just dont have any time cause im having too much fun!

Its mid April now and things are good. I am the most social ive ever been in my life EVER. Hanging out not only with friends but with my roommates, who are now also my friends.

I went for sushi with xi and then we split a joint and went to the movies

I joined my roommates in their weekly calisthenics night and then we talked all night and watched our favorite music videos.

I went rock climbing with them a few times now and its so much fun.

Im watching through aot with one roommate, and the other roommate and I are watching abnormal.

When they make food we kinda all eat some and then they'll put it away and have the leftovers, so ive had j's chili, and some chicken riggies from e, both really good. Now i feel like i have to cook dinner at some point. I also baked cookies, and then ruined them by putting them back in the oven the next day cause I thought they were too soft, but that turned them into rocks, so then i put the cookies into brownies and those came out really good.

Yesterday I went to a 420 fest with xi and q, and then to the FINAL beerio kart 😢 i brought my roommates along and it was a blast, it was SO much fun.

Today we went rock climbing, then E made the aforementioned chicken riggies and we watched a funny movie

Work has been fine as well. Its nice to have some money, even if alot of it will be eaten by rent, credit card, and paying back my rent from the last place. Its nice to get groceries without having to puzzle together how to eat for 2 weeks with $15. Its nice having fruits and vegetables again. And SALAD omggg. And going out to eat with a friend once in a while.

I feel like im having the most internally calm, stable, social, time of my life and Im afraid it's too good to be true. Im surprised at how social and talkative ive been lately, I guess that speaks to how mentally unwell school makes me. But im very afraid I'm going to hit a social battery wall, and hole myself up in my room for 3 days and then my roommates will think im so weird.

I don't think that'll happen though, at least not until my next period

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