Elf on the Effing Shelf

the self-loathing elf

[minimalistelf]

A curt poem for kids that tells your kid to behave or the Elf goes kaput! Scare tactics are cute when you add a smiley snow man to the note.

[minimalistelf]

42 Days Til Christmas

Soak that in for a sec. 42 days til Christmas feels SO close.. unless you’re the dummy that allowed a Scout Elf to make an appearance in your home this early in November. It is just day 3 and we’ve already peaked. 

Alas, I am a genius at asshole parenting & came up with a hiatus letter. *insert evil laugh* Rather than killing my kid’s dreams, I just wrote her a very sweet note (in an Elf-y font courtesy of dafont.com) explaining that Scout Elves must go to training and can’t visit this early in November. The ending includes a warning that the Elf is watching from afar, so behavior should still be good!

Speaking of behavior.. there’s a note for that, too! See next. ;)

[minimalistelf]

Find a board game, dump contents on floor, place Elf & a friend in the vicinity. BOOM! Bonus points if you can actually get that damn elf to sit up. Time invested = 18 very stressful seconds as I heard child’s footsteps approaching down the hall.

[minimalistelf]

Barbie + Leftover Halloween candy = hilarious to an 8 year old. Bonus points if you put them in a dollhouse. Total time invested = 47 seconds

[minimalistelf]

Throw a couple cotton balls on it. Cotton balls = snow. Bonus points if you can disguise your handwriting to add a festive message in lipstick on the mirror. Total time invested= 1.5 minutes

[minimalistelf]

The Minimalist Elf

This is for the parents who held out as long as humanly possible before succumbing to the impassioned pleas of children just DYING to get an Elf on the Shelf. This is for those of you who found it absurd to drop $30 on a mess making sack of stuffing with a creepy ass head. I am the Elf for parents who barely have time to choke down a cup of coffee while picking sleep from their eyes.. the one who totally gets that Pinterest-worthy efforts are just not going to happen. I am the Elf that rolls her eyes at my crafty friends who created miraculous, immaculate scenes from a toothpick and 4 Skittles. I'm the elf who will push out just enough effort to keep joy alive for another day. I am the Minimalist Elf and I feel your pain. We can share our quiet shame... Hello, my name is Joelle Joy Joyce and I, too, hate the Elf on the Shelf.