[infinitelaken]

“Don’t worry, I’m not in love with you; I’m in love with the world”

[infinitelaken]

Moments of Elegance. – Visuals abstracted

Photos belong to Taylor Laken Cain

[oukime]

[airframeextender]

[misplacedkitten]

3.8.2016 I quit my job today. That was fast. I had one 4 hour shift and i couldn't do it. Blue cried for me the whole time, Frankie couldn't get him to stop, he wouldn't take a bottle..it was too hard on us. Frankie Said I could quit, he didn't want me working anyway. Blue cried harder than he ever has on the way home in his carseat, thought mommy was leaving again. Broke my heart. I know you can't spoil a baby. So I will hold my baby always, I will nurse him whenever he wants, I will not let him be alone and he will sleep in bed with me until he's old enough That he decides hes doesn't wanna sleep with mommy anymore. My boy is a mama's boy and I'm more than okay with that. I have never Loved anyone like I love him, and that is okay and healthy and normal. Frankie and i are getting married soon, we decided were gonna do it really soon, within a few months. Just at the courthouse. I am so excited. I love him so much.

[misplacedkitten]

3.7.16 I go back to work today. I'm not ready. We've agreed to give it 2 weeks and then we will discuss it and see if I should stay or quit and stay at home still. I've been out of work for almost 3 months, and i have loved it. I want to stay home but I need to try..we can live on Frankies income but he is so stressed about money..he doesn't have to be but he is, without that 2nd income things are different. He doesn't talk to me about the bills the same and it's like I don't contribute. I am codependent. I always have been so i wont sit here and say I don't need to depend on him, that is part of our relationship, we depend on each other. I want to be able to support him, too. He doesn't want me to go back, either, but I need to try. I'm scared. I want to cry. I want to enjoy it when I'm there but I don't think I'll be able to. What if my baby cries for me? What if Frankie can't get him to stop crying? What if he thinks I'm leaving him? What if my milk dries up? I am so scared..I am so scared..I am so scared I had to get new pants in a size FOURTEEN! I will never look like I did before having a baby, sure, big am I really a size 14?? They say our pants run small but I don't think that's true. What if I cry? I don't even remember how to do my job, when I think about it it seems like a dream like I'm not sure I really know how to do any of it. I don't want to interact with customers holy shit, Maybe I can work in grill forever. How am I supposed to be manager when i don't think I can even talk to anyone? Someone give me advice I need help I am so scared

[misplacedkitten]

[misplacedkitten]

I have never loved anything the way I love my son. I have never felt anything like the day I gave birth to him, nothing has felt so..relieving, scary, quiet, and loud, so happy and nerve-wracking, all at the same time. I have never cared about anything the way I care about being a mom. This is all I've ever loved in life compiled into one big scary life event that has brought 2 new people into this world- my brand new baby boy, and the version of me that is now a mother. Things are different now. And I will not lie that I am terrified. It's not caring for a baby that has me scared, seriously I have that part down- breastfeeding, changing diapers, getting a baby to sleep, nap time, swaddling, baby wearing,it has all come easily and naturally to me. But I feel really alone REALLY often. I feel really clueless some times, too, I feel really empty and i feel so incredibly judged. I have never been so reclusive as I have been these past 10 weeks, scared to leave my house, scared to see anybody, scared to get sick or for him to get sick or to see someone that is sick because of course then I'm worrying more about sickness and.. I think growing into who I am now will be a life long process. As I said, I was born that day too, into a completely be person, the mother in me was awoken at 1246 in the morning on December 27th, 2015. And she is scared. And she is nervous. And she still hidea in the bathroom some times crying as quietly as possible so no one is questioning what's going on with her again. And she still has to take an antidepressant and she still needs coffee every single morning or she doesn't feel like herself. And she usually can't even get herself to get out of bed to make the coffee. And she holds her baby like she's done it forever, and she still gets scared that maybe she will break him if she holds him the wrong way. But she also laughs louder than she ever has before. And she holds her head up better than she ever has before. And when people give her looks because maybe to them, she is too young to have a 2 month old, or maybe the way she holds her baby isnt how they think she should, or maybe even she holds him too much- she ignores it better than she ever could before. And she trusts herself. And she loves herself. And she sees the stretchmarks in the mirror and the way her body doesn't fit into clothes daintily and flawlessly like before, and she is okay with that. Yes, I have changed. Yes, I am scared and I cry..a lot. And I'm taking Prozac now because I started hating myself again once my hormones changed drastically, again, and all of this is okay. I am okay and i am happy and i am actually kind of freaking out because I don't think I ever thought I would be this good at this. I guess I never thought I'd be happy, once upon a time, and now I'm here, and I'm alive, and i smile a lot, and even when I dont..I'm okay.

[bowerybhoy]

I live to overshare on the internet

[gingerbronson]

[dialecticalbehavioraltits]

Borderline Personality Disorder: A Guide to Helping People w BPD Feel Less Like Shit

by Nolan D, certified real life Person With Borderline™ (srsly, why would you trust sources written by neurotypicals????)

if you have bpd or you’re interested in learning how to be helpful to ppl with bpd, this is for you!!

i wrote this guide because my family and friends were having some trouble understanding bpd/helping me feel better. i tried to make it customizable, so feel free to add to it, remove things, or change things to suit your unique Borderline Experience™ (but pls don’t alter this actual post it will hurt my feelings. copy/paste friends).

like/reblog if you decide to use it or find it helpful pls, so that i know if i’m being useful!

What is BPD?

BPD is a cluster B personality disorder, along with antisocial, narcissistic, and histrionic personality disorders. Cluster B disorders are distinguished by dramatic, highly emotional, and/or erratic behavior. Borderlines are characterized by rocky interpersonal relationships, extreme emotions, issues with self-image, and trouble with impulse control. We may also experience symptoms associated with mania and/or psychosis.

What am I going through as a person with BPD?

Intense emotions and mood swings

Inappropriate and/or unreasonable anger and irritability

Impulsive and risky behavior, can include: spending excessive amounts of money, taking too many drugs, drinking too much, promiscuity, and self-harm

Predisposition to addiction

Difficult and intense relationships, often full of arguments, conflict, and breakups

Higher probability of being abused and/or raped

Sudden intense episodes of anxiety, depression, and mania-like behavior

Feelings of self-hatred, often resulting in suicidal thoughts and behavior

Hallucinations, including auditory, sensory, olfactory, and visual

Delusions, particularly an obsessive fear and belief that people are going to abandon me

Extreme need for attention in order to feel that I am worthy of living

Unstable self-image and lack of consistent personality/identity, often resulting in mimicking the behavior and personalities of fictional characters and real-life loved ones

Excessive self-criticism

Feelings of emptiness

Awareness of/guilt because of destructive behaviors, but feeling unable to stop

Dissociative states under stress, in which I feel a disconnection from my body and from reality

Unstable goals/aspirations

Tendency to interpret the emotions of others as overwhelmingly negative

Paranoia that people hate me or are annoyed by everything I do

Idolizing people I’ve just met

Fear that I am faking my symptoms, no matter how severe they are

Fear that I am being manipulative or abusive

Possessiveness of loved ones

Constant need for reassurance

So how can you help me?

Offer frequent unprompted reassurance that you love me, are not annoyed by me, and are not going to leave me/stop supporting me. If I have to ask for this reassurance, I will feel that I have manipulated you into giving it and will be unable to believe what you say.

Respect that I need to be given space sometimes, and comforted at other times. I need space if I seem to be pushing you away or shutting down. Tell me that you will be available if I need you so that I won’t feel abandoned, then leave the situation. I need comfort if I am clinging to you or refuse to leave you alone.

Never tell me that I’m overreacting. It is not my fault that I experience extreme emotions.

Do not threaten punishment for impulsive behavior. This includes saying that you will take me to the hospital if I continue. Offer to talk me through it instead.

If you don’t have BPD, don’t tell me that you know how I’m feeling. You don’t. Empathy is much appreciated, but if you say you can sympathize with me, I will begin to feel distrustful of what you say.

Never say or imply that I don’t actually have BPD. I get enough of that shit from myself.

Hear. Me. Out. No matter what I have to say. You don’t have to agree, just listen.

Tell me why I’m not a bad person. Have examples to back it up because I will likely accuse you of empty compliments.

If I become unreasonably angry at you, be aware that I will feel incredibly guilty and remorseful later. When that happens, accept my apology and move on if you are able to.

Never tell me to “just stop” doing something destructive. I guarantee that if I could stop, I would have already. Instead, gently ask me things like “Why do you think you’re doing this?” + “Do you think it is helpful for you?” + “How is it helpful? How is it not helpful?” If I am in a panic state/dissociative state and answer with “I don’t know!”/refuse or am unable to provide an answer, please determine if I need to be given space or comforted, and act accordingly.

When I dissociate, I often appear zoned-out, distracted, or dead-eyed. I may be unable to see you, hear you, or speak to you. A gentle touch on the shoulder may or may not snap me out of it. Stay with me and make sure I don’t do anything dangerous until I come back to reality.

Do not judge me for my actions, and especially do not imply that I am being a bad person. Do not try to make me feel guilty for anything, no matter what. Instead, gently ask questions about my behavior, and try to understand the underlying cause.

Use lots of words with positive connotations when speaking to me.

I will try my best to provide more advice on how to help me as I learn more about my disorder myself! Thanks for taking the time to read this, and be aware that I’m not demanding that you do any of these things, but rather I am asking you to do so because it will help me be happier and healthier.

[shitborderlinesdo]

May 4

A few tips if you know and love someone with BPD:

1) People with BPD are incredibly perceptive and can read most emotions, but one emotion they consistently misinterpret is anger. They tend to interpret neutrality as anger, so often they may assume you are angry when you are simply content or bored or some other neutral expression. If your borderline loved one asks if you are angry, try to be patient and remember they are hypersensitive to tone, body language, everything. When an emotion of yours can’t be pinpointed, they tend to assume it’s anger. “Are you mad at me?” may be something you hear incredibly often. Just answer the question and be patient. They don’t mean to sound like a broken record; they really do believe you’re mad at them!

2) When providing reassurance for a borderline loved one, be sure to use concrete examples. When they’re having an episode, saying, “You’re a good person” will feel like empty words to them. They may even assume you’re following a script. Even more likely, they will default to being afraid they’ve somehow manipulated you into saying nice things to them, so be sure to have examples to back up what you’re saying. Instead of “You’re a good person,” add on why you feel that way about them. “You were having a bad day last week, and you still dropped everything to support your friend when they needed you.” Instead of stopping at, “I really care about you and think you’re great,” be sure to add, “You’re an incredibly passionate person, and I find that inspiring. Yesterday, when you were working, you become really involved in the task and cared a lot about the end results, and the way you poured your passion into the task was really incredible.”

3) Express yourself often, and in a constructive way. If you aren’t upfront with your feelings, your borderline loved one may assume you hate them. Open communication is incredibly important. If you are upset with something they’ve done or said, be sure to bring it up in a constructive manner which helps both parties and encourages communication on both ends. (Actually, you should be doing this with non-borderline people too.) Compassion > hostility. It’s okay to be upset, but it’s no reason to lash out. Bring up your concerns as soon as possible and help build an environment where you can both talk about these things openly. A relationship where you feel you can’t talk about concerns isn’t a healthy one. That goes for all relationships, mental illness or no.

4) Also applies to all relationships, if your loved one is clearly distressed, sometimes it’s best to walk away and wait until everyone has calmed down. However, with a borderline loved one, it’s important to express what you are doing and why. Don’t just leave the room. Make it clear, “We’re both too emotional right now to deal with this. I suggest we take a break and come back to this in half an hour when we’re feeling calmer. Is that okay with you?”

5) Do not try “tough love.” It is grossly unhelpful and can actually trigger more severe symptoms and make them worse. “Tough love” is a surefire way to keep your loved one from recovering. 

6) Because of how emotional they are, people with BPD can come across as self-centered. This usually isn’t true, and is in fact more often the opposite. People with BPD are constantly thinking of the needs of others, and often their emotional responses are because of anxiety they have about how they affect the people around them. 

7) Do not invalidate the feelings of your borderline loved one. Recognize that even if these feelings are not fact, they are still valid and are hurting your loved one and are incredibly real to them. Do not tell them they are “crazy” or “delusional.” This will make them feel like they can’t open up to you. Instead, assure them their feelings are valid, and then work through those feelings. Instead of, “There’s no need for you to feel guilty,” try “I understand why you feel guilty, but remember you are not at fault for what happened.” Or let’s say your borderline loved one has accused you of being angry even though you are not, and they are upset. Instead of “You’re upset for no reason” try “You are rightfully upset, however I’m really not angry with you, so let’s try to help you feel better.”

[babyanimalpic]

[dogpaws]

this is kassie @razkazz

[theinturnetexplorer]

A Real Hero

[pinkcheesegreenghost-deactivate]

Dashrath Manjhi!

[thehotgirlproject]

Salute

[sadhearts]

craigslist love stories pt 2

[nyctaeus]

Ad Reinhardt, from ‘How to Look at Art, Arts & Architecture’ (1946)

[misplacedkitten]

I had a dream last night about you, It was strange, there were all these pictures, and I didn't mean to. He said "all this time, I thought you just let him go.." I kept thinking of all these dates and times, February's and June's, And I guess i had forgotten how quickly 4 years could pass, oh my god. I wanted to say sorry today, and I wanted to let you know, I had this dream, but I'm not sure why, and I didn't choose to, and if I could go back, I'd forget you, or never even meet you. But I'm not really sorry anymore, and I normally never think about you, some times my subconscious gets crazy and regurgitates things that should have been better suppressed. And I wouldn't go back, and I wouldn't forget, and I wouldn't change a thing, there are permanent scars on and in me that cannot be changed, and I'd prefer that they weren't. He was right, and I did let go, and I can only hope that you did, too. The past was toxic, I was toxic, the air we breathed into each other was toxic, and I am just happy to be alive.