i go to seek a Great Perhaps

Forgiveness is the release of all hope for a better past.

[colorsofthecolorless]

[misschloe]

All the things I would wish for and all the things I would change if wishes on shooting stars would come true.

[misschloe]

Happy.

[misschloe]

I want to be pursued. To feel desired. Wanted. Needed. To be important. To not be an, "I'll get to it," or "when there is time." I don't want to keep feeling like I'm overstepping or uninvited. It's already all so limited. I want good mornings and goodnights. I miss yous, and I was thinking of yous. I want laughter. I want joy. I want to make you happy. To support you. To have your understanding. I want to be more patient. To be more than photographs. More than distance. I want this to feel real. Will this ever be real?

[misschloe]

[misschloe]

Patience.

This has never been a strength of mine. When it comes to anything. I'm trying to practice it in multiple areas of my life, but it's challenging. I want so much. I have hopes. I have fears. I'm one half of everything that goes on in my life. That's what makes patience so hard. All the unknowns and things I can't do anything about. But I have to try.

[misschloe]

"I don't know."

The words, "I don't know," are so powerful. I've been hearing them a lot the past few days. Sometimes they give me hope, sometimes they make me sad. I wasn't living in I don't knows. We had talked, laid out everything, My heart felt solid about making a choice to move forward. Then, "I don't know" was said. Followed by waiting. And we'll sees. And some other things. It felt okay. Then we talked more and it was more I don't knows. It's completely understandable, for you say and feel those things, but the doubts you haven't spoken, and uncertainty you feel that is relayed in the sound of your voice has made me shaky. It has made me unsteady. And I'm thinking about things I want to bury. It has me concerned about the direction of where this will (or won't go). I can't be the only one trying to move forward and motivating this. I'm feeling alone, and I have already decided I won't live a life alone.

[misschloe]

These arrived in the mail today. They are a birthday present for my Dad. It was supposed to be a surprise, but one of my Dad’s favorite things to do is figure out surprises. I was looking for a new job, unemployed, had just moved home and feeling completely lost, but knew this was something I wanted to do for him. I got the tickets, and I told him when he had to schedule his vacation for the year to make sure he would be off September 21. His birthday is September 27. He asked why, and I simply said, “It’s a surprise.” A few days later he said, “I think I figured it out. If I guess it, will you tell me?” I never thought he would, but he had. He had a big grin on his face when I told him yes. We’ve never really gotten to do anything like this. And a few years ago when he had his accident, for a second I thought I wasn’t going to have the chance to do stuff like this. I almost lost my Dad. Now I work two jobs, and I'm gone all of the time. Don’t wait for things like accidents and tragedies to stop and take the opportunity to make moments count. It’s all precious. I’m looking forward to this. I’ve always been a fan of birthdays and second chances. taylorswift

[misschloe]

One day you will forget me.

[misschloe]

I got lost in the days.

The past three days have been hard.

Hip surgery for Grandma. 50% chance of paralysis with Dad’s back surgery. “I think it’s potentially lymphatic skin cancer,” said the specialist.

Some things I can help. Some I have no control over. My heart is heavy. I feel lost and confused. I feel alone.

I’m remaining positive in everything, but I sat up crying with Dad Thursday night until four in the morning. I’m grateful for my family, but this is going to be a long journey for all of us.

I just need something good to happen.

[misschloe]

I wanted nothing more than to change the ending. To give us a new beginning. But for some reason you were no longer able to understand me and my feelings. This led to me being hurt over and over in ways that reminded me of the night I lost you and the awful four months that followed. It instilled that I didn't have value, worth, or a place in your life. Despite my attempts to warn you of these feelings, the hurt kept happening. And here we are at another ending. And damn does it hurt. Maybe even more than before. I really tried to be different. I tried to make it better. I wanted more for our story. But I couldn't do it alone. I miss you already.

[misschloe]

My heart was too big for my body so I let it go anis mojgani I feel a little bit better, and then that feeling gets dashed by something simple. Reminds me of my place, or lack there of. Pokes at what's missing, what's been lost. Fuels that emptiness brought about by the change in circumstances. So I let it go. I let it go.

[misschloe]

The first time we spoke your voice and laugh sounded different. Guarded and far away. It made me nervous. There were moments where familiar you peeked through. Last night I heard the laugh I've always known. It made me smile. I don't know if that means there's never a chance or maybe there will be. I'm only focusing on friendship and a foundation. But gosh it was good to hear you laugh like that. I had missed it.

[misschloe]

"The worst part is trying to close your heart when its doors have been blown to pieces."

This might be the truest thing I’ve read in days. It’s so hard to separate feelings of past and present. It’s hard to let go of true love, of the person you believe you’re meant to be with and only see them as a friend. It’s almost impossible to keep your feelings locked in when there isn’t even a door to close. It's sad and hard. I miss it. I miss him. But I'm trying because I have to.

[misschloe]

So I let it go.

[misschloe]

Lifetimes.

Most days it feels like I'm living in another life time. Most days it feels like things I've lived and the lives I've had never existed. Memories feel like things I dreamt of while fast asleep, not things I actually lived. I don't know how to change that. To feel like I'm actually touching things instead of just glossing over the covers. I refuse to be a ghost in my own present. Everyday I'm trying to make more than a memory. I'm trying to be alive in this story. I'm living. I'm being more than this.

[misschloe]

Butterfly effect. It would be completely different. And it wouldn't be my "defining moment." Now that I've learned that's how you define me, I know I will never be seen differently. It hurts. I had hope you would eventually be able to forgive, and let those words go. I had hope rebuilding would change us, make us better. That this starting over from the ground up could lead us somewhere. I had hope that even if it didn't at least I'd be defined by everything other than that night. But I learned otherwise. And I'm just sad now. I'm foolish. I've apologized. I've asked for forgiveness. I've forgiven. I'm trying to let go and live in the good. But half our life is defined in your eyes as one sentence. And that is heartbreaking. I love you. I wish you a lifetime of happiness. I hope you find what you seek.

[misschloe]

I felt sad yesterday driving home from work. I missed you. I wanted to tell you that. To talk to you. To say I hate how things are. That I wish you had stayed. That I had did things differently. That we were better.

But I didn’t. Because I’ve said those things, and they didn’t mean anything. And you have told me exactly where you stand and how you feel. And in caring about someone, you have to respect that. So I let it go yesterday. And I will continue to do that. It’s how it has to be.

But I really wanted it to be you.